Venting is positive reinforcement of expression of anger. Renowned Buddhist monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh calls this 'Training in Aggression':<p><i>> People who use venting techniques like hitting a pillow or shouting are actually rehearsing anger. When someone is angry and vents their anger by hitting a pillow, they are learning a dangerous habit. They are training in aggression. Instead, our approach is to generate the energy of mindfulness and embrace anger every time it manifests.</i><p>- <a href="http://www.lionsroar.com/loosening-the-knots-of-anger/" rel="nofollow">http://www.lionsroar.com/loosening-the-knots-of-anger/</a>
I agree with the title of the article, but disagree with its thesis. Anger is an emotional sign from your brain that something is wrong. And actually sitting down to write the angry email makes me actually think everything through. Without identifying the source of my anger, the rage just builds.<p>But then, for the love of Linus, don't actually click send. This is like committing untested, breaking social code straight to production. It might work out for the best, but only if you're lucky. Like all writing, it needs to be refactored and edited; it needs to achieve a purpose other than making you feel temporarily justified. So wait an hour if you're a little angry. Wait six hours if you're a lot angry. (I wish Gmail could detect angry emails and replace "send" with a hamburger button, then I'd definitely have to calm down to figure out how to send it.)<p>But anger is not useless. I've launched websites because of a long, slow-burning ire at other sites, and it fueled my work for years. It's possible to channel rage into creative work. So, if your brain works that way, use it to show your own correctness and creativity, not another's problems.
Typical of newspaper columns about emotions, this article muddles along with a few anecdotes, a sprinkling of social science, and some facile conclusions. A book selected at random from the "self-help" section of your bookstore will give you much better advice.<p>We've all regretted sending angry emails before, which is what makes the article resonate, but it also makes it useless. Sending an email that you immediately come to realize was inappropriate is a powerful teacher, and there's no need for a panel to weigh in on that particular situation. When we subtract out this noninformative core, we're left with a corona of FUD about venting and acting out of anger, formed out of a pastiche of quotes from scientists informally summarizing their research papers.<p>Don't fear anger. Like all emotions, it's not under your direct control. What you <i>should</i> do is name it (say you're feeling angry, at least to yourself), accept that it is ok you are feeling that way, and ask yourself what in particular makes you so angry. Most people are pretty bad at one or more of these steps, and venting is a way to recruit someone else to help.<p>One person claims he is not angry, but goes on and on about a particular point in an angry tone. Another person knows she is angry, and immediately disparages herself for it. Yet another person has a persistent anger around their boss, but they do not know why and cannot seem to shake it, while the boss is indeed behaving badly in some way that would make anyone miserable. These people do not need any sort of admonitions against putting voice to their feelings.
This is so true--I learned this long ago back when Scribophile was new. Members would sometimes get in to fights with each other, then email me in anger about how such-and-such person is terrible and how I was terrible for allowing terrible things to happen on the site. When I was new to everything I would email back, pointing out the error of their ways--often sharply, because I had been put in a bad mood. This <i>never, ever</i> worked. Not once. It only made things worse.<p>I soon learned that often the best response is none at all. Sometimes a person needs to vent, and by whatever chance you end up being the punching bag. There's a 90% chance that if you don't hit 'reply' to that angry email with an angry email of your own, that the person will forget things in the morning and go about business as usual.<p>Next time you feel the overwhelming urge to write an angry email, or to put someone in their place, make yourself wait till tomorrow to do it. You'll find that most of the time the urge will have passed, life will go on just fine, and you won't have made an enemy in the end.
What's missing here is the most important factor of all, which isn't even directly tied to anger: the fight or flight response.<p>Humans have a biological reaction to certain kinds of stress which triggers this response and the impact on the ability to interact well with other humans is disastrous. We need to understand this, learn how to spot it, and learn how to deal with it. When a person is in this state they are literally less intelligent and less rational than normal, by an enormous margin. This is by design, because the response is geared toward enabling you to survive a life or death threat. It gives you an edge by preparing you for the worst case scenario and encouraging you to give everything you've got. When you're sprinting away or wrestling with a leopard or some such these things matter. You can't afford to doubt what you're doing or to have second thoughts even for a moment. You are much better off fighting like a feral animal or running like a scared rabbit than intentionally deliberating what to do next, and that affects your survival chances a lot.<p>But we don't live in those circumstances any more, yet getting in a heated argument at work, online, or with a significant other still triggers those same responses. But now they are harmful almost all of the time. This is precisely why there is so little rationality in a heated argument, because both sides "have their blood up", which means they are in the midst of experiencing the fight or flight response. Their body is forcing them to be irrational in the moment, and it just makes things worse.<p>Recognize when this is happening to you, recognize the ways that it's common to trigger other people into this sort of thing (e.g. being excessively negative, mean, and confrontational rather than professional and kind) and adjust your communication style accordingly. Also, avoid making the mistake of continuing a heated argument while you are under the influence of fight or flight. Take a break, take a walk, come back to the subject later when you have the opportunity to be rational.<p>Justified anger can actually have a positive effect if used well, but irrational, seething, mindless, feral anger will just spread irrationality and is generally unproductive or actively harmful.<p>I would highly recommend everyone read a book called "Crucial Conversation" about precisely this subject and how to ensure that you not only communicate well and rationally to others but they feel safe doing so with you.
I wholeheartedly agree. I've learned this lesson the hard way, several times over. Catharsis is frequently not a healthy way to deal with anger. In many cases, anger is just a temporary storm in your brain that you need to let pass. It's not sealing the spout of some Freudian kettle that will result in a future explosion (though sometimes long-held grudges can be just that). It is never a good idea to make any sort of decision while under the influence of emotion. The advice I give myself: "Sleep on it. If you still want to do it tomorrow morning, knock yourself out."
I don't even have to read the article to know I agree. Every time I've actually hit 'send' on an angry email, or 'post' in a thread, I get a temporary burst of self-righteousness, and... crushing regret the next morning. Every time. You'd think id've learned by now...
For those that haven't read How to Win Friends and Influence People, Lincoln used to write long letters telling his generals how incompetent they are, but never sent them. It was his way of getting it out of his system.<p>Some people recommend doing this with emails as well - type but don't send. If you do do this though, make sure you don't send the angry version of your email by mistake: <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2951973/Is-rudest-rejection-letter-Jobseeker-shocked-sent-email-calling-old-aesthetically-challenged-professional-pr-no-teeth.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2951973/Is-rudest-re...</a>
The main thesis is probably not true, but the advice about writing the email and not sending it is straight out of how to win friends and influence people.
The energy for anger comes from outside. Anger itself is an internal emotion that helps you 'get shit done', but it has to run on that energy to function. When I feel myself getting angry, I try focusing on being present and find an outlet for the energy. Games are a good way to vent. :)
Yeah, you can probably say the exact same thing about internet article comments. It's pretty hard to put the breaks on the internet hate machine specifically because there's no real connection between semi-anonymous internet rage and loss of social status. Facebook is a different case.<p>Emotions tend to reinforce each other the more they're learned and practiced.
reminds me of my languished (v1) project that is the bullet-proof shoe for people who shoot themselves in the foot: <a href="http://frustrometer.com/" rel="nofollow">http://frustrometer.com/</a><p>I just couldn't get a data model with results I was happy with. I should probably revisit it and tough it out.
I'd go even further and say that, especially in management scenarios, just don't try to resolve interpersonal conflicts or disagreements over email. It fails far too often.