<p><pre><code> Dear Publisher,
</code></pre>
<i>Despite having vast datacenters full of machines that combine and recombine data in wondrous ways, we can't be bothered to send you an email with your actual name on it.</i><p><pre><code> Yahoo! continuously evaluates and prioritizes our products and
services, in alignment with business goals and our continued
commitment to deliver the best consumer and advertiser experiences.
</code></pre>
<i>This email was too short, so we spun the buzzword roulette wheel and out popped this sentence. It says nothing, every business "evaluates" and "prioritizes" stuff, it's called management.</i><p><pre><code> After conducting an extensive review of the Yahoo! Publisher Network
beta program, we have decided to close the program effective April 30,
2010.
</code></pre>
<i>We had to tell you about the extensive review, we don't want you thinking that we're shutting down a business unit as a knee-jerk reaction to some unpleasant business numbers and pressure from the board to do something, anything rather than sit around with our thumbs up our asses.</i><p><i>We forgot to consider the possibility that if we really had done an extensive review, we'd have found someone to buy the business outright. Shutting it down without a buyer might make you think that we're losing so much money nobody will touch it, which reflects rather poorly on our "Continuous evaluation and prioritization of our products and services," but hopefully you're too damn stupid to figure that out for yourself. After all, if our board isn't smart enough to know we've reached rock bottom and begun to dig, why would you figure it out?</i><p><pre><code> We expect to deliver final publisher payments for the month ending
April 30, 2010 to publishers no later than May 31, 2010. All
publishers eligible for 1099s for the 2010 tax year will have those
mailed by January 31, 2011.
Because our content will no longer be delivered to your ad unit
spaces after April 30, 2010, we recommend removing all YPN ad code
from your pages by that date.
</code></pre>
<i>Or else you're going to look pretty silly when your pages break!</i><p><pre><code> For the opportunity to continue earning revenue, we suggest using
Chitika, a leading advertising network that syndicates Yahoo! Content
Match and Sponsored Search ads. Chitika has set up a special process
for YPNO beta publishers to participate in its platform. Click here
for more information.
</code></pre>
<i>We are, of course, getting kickbacks. But we won't mention that, we'll make it sound like we're giving you friendly advice. Which you will take from a management team that can't keep their own ship afloat, much less figure out who else has a decent product.</i><p><pre><code> We thank you for your participation in the Yahoo! Publisher Network
beta. If you have any questions regarding this announcement, please
contact our Support Team at (866) 785-2636, Monday through Friday from
7:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. PDT.
</code></pre>
<i>Don't call, ever. Or we'll be forced to put you through voice mail hell before connecting you to a call centre in Laos.</i><p>(Apologies to Job Gruber)