Hit 30, realised I had probably done as much in my chosen field as I was likely to.<p>Got sad, considered changing careers and slowly started getting more frantic about seizing my Big Chance. In the process I discovered I'm unspeakably awkward and horrible at networking. Developed a dislike for great networkers being Machiavellian shits.<p>Didn't get my Big Chance.<p>Turned 35, had long since stopped counting birthdays, and then one day realised that imperceptibly something had changed.<p>I wasn't sad anymore. At least not noticably sadder than anybody else if I took the time to look. I'd come to terms with my crippling imposter syndrome, and was free of the quixotic trappings of my equally crippling Dunning Kruger. Read Jon Robson's psychopath test and decided I probably wasn't a sociopath either - I was just a bloke in his mid 30s.<p>Realised I should stop self diagnosing psychological conditions via the internet.<p>I have a great family, a good job, I wake up every morning and genuinely look forwards to spending my day doing what I do. I still harbour secret dreams of world domination, but they exist withing a framework of reassuringly tedious goals, like making sure I have enough clean pants and socks for the week.<p>Learned to work the washing machine. Still don't like inviting people to go for a coffee.
Ah, the twenties.<p>How's the saying go?<p>"In your twenties you worry what people think of you, in your thirties you stop caring, in your forties you realize no one spends any time thinking about you anyway."
I know this is article is humor, but it's also pretty spot-on for me (maybe a lot of us here). Most of my friends don't seem to understand the extents to which I overthink everything.<p>"Just ask. The worst that can happen is they say 'No', and by not asking, you're already giving yourself a no."<p>I get this advice a lot and particularly hate it. Getting a "No" is not the worst that can happen. A meteor hitting the earth is the worst that can happen (or maybe snakes, or crossfit). Worst that's actually happened to me? You go up to say something to someone, stutter a few times, throw up in your mouth a little, and then run away.
Don't solve for people's feelings. If you have good intentions and are useful to others, they will be attracted to you.<p>Sometimes you will offend or annoy people. These negative experiences are growth opportunities. Apologize. Learn a social lesson. Next time you won't make the same mistake.
This made me want to reflect on my own list and realized that it's morphed somewhat over the years from:<p>- What if I invite them to coffee and I think they're super awesome and they think I'm an idiot<p>To:<p>- What if I invite them to coffee and that 15 minutes turns into 4 hours and I still want to hang out more because they're awesome (which they will be, because frankly I find everyone fascinating); except now I have this disquieting sense of guilt because none of the other projects I have scheduled to complete in this time are getting completed... or started, or thought about.<p>- What if I don't invite them to coffee and they are or have some information to share that (combined with my own experience) is the key to my entire existence... or perhaps the future of humanity.<p>Maybe I let my mind get away with me sometimes...<p>Sometimes coffee is just a way to blow off 15 minutes with some amusing banter because sometimes it's better to step away from the computer than it is to keep bashing your head against it.
Long time lurker on this site and think I finally have something worth conributing. As someone who has struggled with social anxiety, a big ommission from that list is "their reaction will provide emprical proof that <i>insert negative self perception</i> isn't just in my head*.<p>At which point the hypothetical doomsday scenario extends beyond just the immediate scenario. For whatever reason age does help though. Part of me wonders if modern marketing plays a minor role. The younger you are, the more advertising pushes the need to 'fit in' or impress peers as the primary appeal of a product.
This is really for my fellow single male programmers.<p>I think programmers tend to identify with being socially awkward as we spend our time focusing on analytical problems usually by ourselves or with similar individuals which emphasizes our brain's wiring to be that way even more so over time, then the less traveled wiring weakens over time (social wiring, your developer buddies don't count).<p>The crux is we are all social creatures and need to feel accepted by the opposite sex. If we fall short, we will spin ad infinitum worrying about it. Its a deep rooted need within us and cannot be rationalized away, similar to rationalizing you are full when you haven't eaten for a long time. You must take action. Blame Darwin if you must but do something about it.<p>Because a lot of programmers like me are social pansies when it comes to taking risks, you can try this approach first. Do real weights and wind sprints and eat right to promote testosterone as looking like a dude attracts women. Running long distances way too often will make you a look like a unic twig, lower your testosterone levels, and rob you of muscle. I can't stress enough how the right eating habits and exercise will change everything, most likely within 90 days you'll see a huge difference like night and day, looking lean and mean. Your personality will also have changed, being more confident and bold with the added bonus of girls looking your way. You will become more attractive to females in other words, prepping you for the next step.<p>Now you are ready to take the issue head on and expose yourself to as many social situations as possible, forcing your social wiring to strengthen, but with the caveat of not giving a shit of individual outcomes, thinking of it more like the sheer act of doing this long enough will cause things to move in the right direction. To truly not give a shit is freeing and what's odd about that is people (especially women) seem to like you much more when you are worry free and have a natural comfort about yourself. Women truly are like buses where the next one will come along simply because there are so many fucking people in the world. Break some eggs and get out there.
My insecurities all run in the opposite direction. What if someone invites me to coffee? Do I tell them I really don't like coffee? Do I tell them that I really don't want to spend $4+ for a sugar-laden caramel frappe machia-whatever and that I'd rather just get a diet coke from the vending machine? Should I be "that guy" and get a hot chocolate that turns out to be a squirt of chocolate sauce in milk, and feel let down? Should i get a donut and nothing to drink?<p>Once we're sitting down and talking, I'm fine. I just don't know how to deal with my little "non-conforming weirdnesses" with others.
For people with social anxiety, this is true to the point of being not funny. This is almost exactly the kind of stuff I always worry about, although I'm usually a bit more negative about it.<p>(If I slip up and they accidentally see through me, see what a socially inept and boring person I am, they'll hate me forever and also they'll tell everyone in the world about their boring experiences with me, and no one will ever like me anymore.)
Just ask about the damn coffee and quit stressing thinking your decision will set in motion events that will change society.<p>Save the stress for the relatives and in-laws, those will kill you.
"The coffee will be bitter/weak/mediocre/disappointing."<p>Closely followed by:<p>"I'll be branded a coffee snob for criticising the coffee."<p>Who am I trying to kid, I clearly am a coffee snob.
> They’ll think I invited them to coffee because I have a crush on them.<p>This is so true. I'm an aromantic lesbian, so even though I'm attracted to women, I have no desire to date anyone. But I'm worried people won't know that I'm aromantic and will think I'm hitting on them when I just want to hang out and maybe become friends.<p>A few years ago, I pretty much botched any chance I had to be friends with one of my female coworkers, who was a really cool person I'd have liked to hang out with more. Unfortunately, I was afraid to talk to her, ask her to hang out after work, etc., because I was <i>terrified</i> she'd think I have a crush on her and was hitting on her. It doesn't help that I'm transgender and I knew her before my transition, so I was always afraid she'd think of me as just being another guy trying to get into her pants. Oh, and it didn't help that I was jealous of her, because she looks pretty much exactly how I want to look but will never be able to (dysphoria is a powerful thing).<p>As such, I was terribly awkward around her, and every time I wanted to hang out with her or anything, I either decided against it or was so nervous and awkward that anyone around me could tell.<p>I'm a little better at it now, thankfully.<p>And, yes, I'm the kind of awkward person who over-analyzes every conversation I've ever had with anyone.
Get married, have kids, have them move off. Now you're just not going to have any of these hangups or concerns. I'm fine asking anyone to coffee.
Amusing article.<p>Isn't this anxiety? Couldn't this apply to any situation that is anxiety inducing?<p>I suspect it's all originating from the same irrational feelings.
I don't understand why this article is so long.<p>It can be boiled down to "I am afraid of rejection, and I don't want to put myself out there."<p>Rejections suck. We've all been there, and nobody else out there is responsible for your mental well being.<p>Why are you afraid of a simple "no" or a response out of an obligation? Maybe the person you're asking out to coffee is a Mormon or has high blood pressure and can't drink caffeine, or he/she doesn't like the taste.<p>You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. I know that I personally regret everytime I wanted to ask somebody out or even ask for a raise at work, but didn't, cause "that would be weird".
Wow, the article reads like a Seinfeld episode, full of neurotic self-absorption. Almost every sentence includes either "me" or "I". If you over-dramatize going to get coffee with someone, making it all about you and your feelings, I'd hate to see how you handle signing a mortgage or picking a career to commit to.
Must be a US English <-> British English thing, but I thought this was about asking a new acquaintance to buy some coffee for me.<p>"Everything I am afraid might happen if I asked a new acquaintance to meet for coffee."
Creating fictional outcomes is pretty common (it is for me), but this game has definitely helped overcome that: <a href="https://is.gd/GAbuN6" rel="nofollow">https://is.gd/GAbuN6</a>
The main source of this anxiety comes from the flaw in the phrasing, "There are plenty of fish in the sea."<p>That simply is not true. People are so unique and diverse that while there are other members of the opposite sex out there, to find someone truly compatible is rare, hence why divorce rates are so high. For me, the anxiety comes when I have found someone who I know is extremely compatible but am afraid I won't attract them.<p>Not every member of the opposite sex makes me feel the same way certain ones do. Saying there are plenty of fish in the sea is like saying there are plenty of baseballs to hit in batting practice. While true, it elides the fact that it's only real at bats that matter. Once you strike out, you're stuck waiting for your next at bat which may never come.