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How to Tell a Mother Her Child Is Dead

694 pointsby niyazpkover 8 years ago

25 comments

alasdair_over 8 years ago
My twenty one year old daughter died two months ago. A young policeman came to my door. It was the first time he had to do the job mentioned in the article and he did it very well.<p>I have very little memory of those first few hours. I now know what it is to be insane. I was so disconnected from reality that people have told me that I had long conversations with them that I have zero recollection of. The only thing I clearly remember was telling the officer that I had a gun upstairs and that if he didn&#x27;t take it, I was going to murder the man responsible for her death within the hour. It was the most matter of fact confession of planning a murder imaginable.<p>After a couple of hours, I saw a Facebook post of hers and lost it, the insane calm left me and I bawled my eyes out.<p>It&#x27;s her birthday tomorrow. I miss her so, so much.<p>Anyway, the point of this post: my daughter died of an overdose. She was at a party, a man gave her powdered pure fentanyl claiming it was cocaine. I have no idea why. She snorted some and overdosed soon after.<p>All I want to happen is that someone somewhere reads about what happened to my daughter and reminds their kids that without proper testing kits, they have no idea what the fuck they are taking. Drugs may not be bad, but some people certainly are.
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jrapdx3over 8 years ago
A subject I understand more than I can put into words. It&#x27;s a duty I have had. A 17 year girl died of an overdose. It was my responsibility to tell the mother, father, pastor, brothers, sister. They were there all night in the tiny, chilly waiting room, after notified their comatose child was brought in.<p>Some kind of party had been going on when mom and dad were out for the evening. The young woman and assorted friends doing drugs. She passed out, it was hours before anyone thought to check out how she was.<p>I called in all the docs there were to call. We tried every trick there was known to try. Then heart rate fell to zero. All the effort came to nothing. Everyone was quiet, mumbled their sorrow, and slipped out the private staff access door. That is everyone but me.<p>That morning was about the hardest I ever faced, even in the decades since. Sure others have died on my watch, one cause or another. But that time was different. I knew I had to say it, give the worst possible news, the unnecessary death of a child, to grieving parents. I truly did not know how such a thing can be said, what phrasing is best, what stings the least?<p>I don&#x27;t know how, but summoning the courage I walked out to where they were sitting. I was nearly in a trance, not only from lack of sleep, but stunned by the magnitude of what I had to speak. And I said what happened, the child passed away, never awakened despite the heroic efforts of so many healers sweating all at once.<p>I sat there for a moment, no more to say, listened to the mournful sobs. Though I felt a failure, more than anything I had no comfort to provide. They didn&#x27;t find fault, they were not angry that we could not do more.<p>Seriously, a moment too stark, too profound to ever forget nor would I want to relinquish it. No repeat is necessary, the lesson deeply embedded, the value of life, the meaning of words, the merit of a healer&#x27;s human voice, these are all worth keeping.
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Jamesbeamover 8 years ago
I&#x27;ve been a private military contractor for more than thirty years. Some of the companies I was working for had very impersonal procedures to handle deaths. I offered a few times to personally inform the family &#x2F; next of kin for the guys that were working with me directly but that request was always denied because it was not &quot;cost efficient&quot;.<p>So I always did the trip on my own.<p>The loss hit them like a truck every time, I have a few memories that make me wake up in the middle of the night three days a week but the look on a mother&#x27;s face when you tell her that her son is dead is something you will never forget as long as you live.<p>Still, I am glad I went to see every family of everyone I lost in all those years. There was crying and screaming and tears and a lot of blaming, I even got slapped a few times but I always told them I&#x27;ll be in a hotel nearby for the next days and if they want to talk they can call me any time of the day.<p>Some never called but after a day or two most invited me back to their home or came by and we had a few long talks over the next days until I had to go.<p>I&#x27;ve been in touch with most of those families over the years and I heard a lot of times that it gave them peace to know that I was there when their son &#x2F; brother &#x2F; husband &#x2F; grandson died and that I came by personally to try to comfort them before they got &quot;the letter&quot;.<p>I wish everyone that you will never come into this situation because it&#x27;s almost as hard and unfair to be the messenger as it is to be the recipient of that message.
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bennettfeelyover 8 years ago
I just want to say the style of the article and it&#x27;s direct, terse language really captures the gravity of the situation and seriousness of the subject.<p>Very sad, but very well written.
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helloworldover 8 years ago
<i>Security is already outside the room and when they hear the first loud noise they will know to come in. No, you will not have to tell them. They know about the family room in the emergency department in summer in North Philadelphia.</i><p>What a heartbreaking essay. And how tragic that death by gun violence is apparently routine in North Philadelphia.
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hopfogover 8 years ago
One of my best friends died of an overdose a few years ago. His mother was informed in a horrible way.<p>The police called her and told her that her son had overdosed and was on the way to the hospital. In the middle of the call they all of a sudden say &quot;actually, he&#x27;s dead!&quot; like it was nothing special. His mother of course screamed out loud, which made the police upset (they said &quot;hey, it&#x27;s not my fault&quot; or something like that, I don&#x27;t remember exactly).<p>I normally have great respect for the police but I think this was handled catastrophically. They showed very little sympathy.
mindfulgeekover 8 years ago
When I was a year out of cancer treatment, I ran into a fellow patient. She and I had a rare cancer and were treated with a handful of others.<p>Of the three of us who remained, only two of us remained cancer free and she wasn&#x27;t one of them.<p>A week earlier, there had been five of us.<p>I knew this. I didn&#x27;t know if she did.<p>I didn&#x27;t know what I would say if she mentioned them. It was possible she had the same problem in her head.<p>After we caught up, she asked if I had seen one of them.<p>Telling her the truth wasn&#x27;t nearly as hard as answering her next question -- what about the other girl?
toopersonalover 8 years ago
My father died younger than 50 years old when I was a child. My mother was left behind with several small children and financial struggles. On the day of his funeral there was a funeral of an 18 year old boy afterwards. She has told me she consoled his girlfriend and when she saw the young girl standing there crying, she thought that even though her own situation was as bad as it could possibly get, this was even worse. Must have been a strange moment for her. Maybe even a bit uplifting, as perverse as this sounds.
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emptybitsover 8 years ago
When I occasionally start to think my work in technology is overly important or that the woes of my startup projects are unbearably heavy, I&#x27;m glad I can be humbled by something like this. This doctor has responsibilities and gravity I will never know. Great article and great doctor. Wow.
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CapitalistCartrover 8 years ago
I had to tell that to my own mother. It was 5 years ago this week. There are no good ways. There are no good outcomes. This is a good article about how bad it is.
OliverJonesover 8 years ago
I&#x27;ve worked as a hospital chaplain in a big and well-respected urban teaching hospital.<p>From a teaching point of view, I&#x27;m really glad this article by Dr. Rosenberg is available. For two reasons...<p>1. I wish I had seen it during training. It&#x27;s spot on in every respect. Dr. Rosenberg&#x27;s advice to stay with the bereaved, and enter with them into their grief, is good advice. There&#x27;s no way to do it without simply doing it.<p>2. It&#x27;s good that Dr. Rosenberg is teaching doctors to do this work. Often enough in the past, the Saturday night emergency department staff just said &quot;page the chaplain&quot; when they needed to deliver bad news. We chaplains don&#x27;t mind doing our jobs, but that leaves the frightened family hanging while we scramble to get to the ED and figure out who &#x2F; what before sitting with the family. And, there&#x27;s always some practical decision-making that takes time. For example, a Roman Catholic patient needs a Roman Catholic clergy person. So, &quot;page the chaplain&quot; keeps people waiting.<p>If you ever have to do this, do everything you can to avoid physically looking down at the bereaved people. Don&#x27;t stand over them. Sit on the floor if you must. Some waiting rooms have low coffee tables or side tables. That&#x27;s a good place to sit.<p>In teaching hospitals, the new residents (fresh-out-of-school doctors) start July 1st every year. And, they staff the ED on weekend nights. So they are getting their first sustained taste of violence, right at the top of the summer heat. They went into medicine to heal people, not to pronounce them. So this is a big shock for them. The ED unit clerk should still page the chaplain, even if the doctor delivers the bad news.<p>This epidemic of violence is awful. For my part, I count strong narcotics with guns, knives, and cars as instruments of that violence. It&#x27;s horrible that doctors and other hospital folks have to learn how to do this. But they do. It&#x27;s horrible that families have to hear this bad news. But they do.<p>This article should be posted on the wall of every toilet stall in every high school in the country. Why there? Simply because everybody will see it and have a chance to read it in private.
drauhover 8 years ago
For some context, here is a map of poverty in Philly:<p><a href="http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.nytimes.com&#x2F;newsgraphics&#x2F;2014&#x2F;01&#x2F;05&#x2F;poverty-map&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.nytimes.com&#x2F;newsgraphics&#x2F;2014&#x2F;01&#x2F;05&#x2F;poverty-map&#x2F;</a><p>The hospital is in census tract 016300 with poverty level 58.5%
sndeanover 8 years ago
Somewhat related - One of the reasons my significant other decided to not go into emergency medicine was the high rates of PTSD in ER physicians and nurses: &quot;We don&#x27;t have good numbers, but the incidence of PTSD in emergency physicians is probably around 17%&quot; [1].<p>So while I can respect the stoicism and clear focus on the emotions of the mothers of victims, I hope the author and other ER doctors also take some time for themselves to deal with the trauma they experience.<p>[1] <a href="http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.medscape.com&#x2F;viewarticle&#x2F;840980" rel="nofollow">http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.medscape.com&#x2F;viewarticle&#x2F;840980</a>
ghufran_syedover 8 years ago
&quot;The depth of the stupidity of the things you will say sometimes is unimaginable.&quot; -I&#x27;m pretty sure everyone who has ever had to do this has felt the same way.
hoodoofover 8 years ago
I had to tell friends that one of our closest friends had passed away. The only thing I would add to this article is to invite the recipients of the news to sit down first because there&#x27;s a good chance they&#x27;ll fall down.
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FT_internover 8 years ago
Why is this &quot;how to tell a mother her child is dead&quot; instead of &quot;how to tell parents that their child is dead&quot;?
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cmmn_nighthawkover 8 years ago
this makes all debates about software seem trivial. i agree--it&#x27;s very well written.
rhyselsmoreover 8 years ago
As an ex-paramedic this really hits home.
fnjover 8 years ago
It doesn&#x27;t have to be a child in the sense of being young. No parent should have to outlive their offspring, especially when they are very close daily. I witnessed the effect on a 90+ year old mother of the sudden unexpected death during sleep (natural causes) of her daughter who was almost 60 but very vibrant.<p>It was crushing. The mother never recovered any of her joy in her own life and only lived another 2 years.
knownover 8 years ago
Really painful.
andrewvijayover 8 years ago
Absolutely terrifying! &quot;If he left his socks on the floor again today, it is all right.&quot; - the only sentence I could relate to. I hate my life.
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Kenjiover 8 years ago
Wow, that was surprisingly moving. For some reason, I expected one of those dry hacker essays.
milesfover 8 years ago
I know this will sound cold, but why is this story here? Does it really fit the guideline of &quot;anything that gratifies one&#x27;s intellectual curiosity&quot;?<p>I&#x27;ve shoehorned it into my rationalization for being here as advice on how to have an extremely difficult conversation, but it still feel a bit macabre to have this here.
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epicureanidealover 8 years ago
The article is basically saying not to flip out, but &quot;When you get home, do not yell at your husband. If he left his socks on the floor again today, it is all right.&quot; We all know that this doesn&#x27;t just happen after someone dies on the operating room table.<p>Seriously people, if your spouse is not cheating on you, beating you, or throwing the family money to the casino, lighten up about the little stuff.<p>End of public service announcement.
mastre_over 8 years ago
&gt; I just want to say the style of the article and it&#x27;s direct, terse language really captures the gravity of the situation and seriousness of the subject.<p>Quick comment about how your <i>it&#x27;s</i> instead of <i>its</i> caused an English parsing error in my brain:<p>I read until the comma and because I saw <i>it&#x27;s</i>, I assumed I missed a word in the first part of the sentence - I though it may have been something like &quot;I just want to say I <i>evaluated</i> the style of the article and <i>it&#x27;s</i> direct, it&#x27;s frank, it&#x27;s spot on!&quot;, but re-reading it didn&#x27;t reveal anything I missed. I then considered some less common writing styles&#x2F;expressions. None of that worked out, so I read past the comma and figured out what happened. All this happened in the span of a second or so. Not sure what it was about this particular sentence that caused me to stop at the comma, I don&#x27;t think it happens often.
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