I started paying attention to people and discovered a lot of this on my own over the course of three years. At some point i realized that whenever i talked to someone their eyes would glaze over and their face would go stony. Then theyd talk to someone else and their eyes would become focused and their face alive and animated. Laughter. I figured out this was because they didnt care about what i was saying or about my opinions. So i tried various things and looked at their eyes. Sometimes their eyes would become alive again and i could tell they cared. Slowly you learn what people want to hear. And its so true about smiling and body language, people feel uncomfortable if you dont project wellbeing. What you need to understand is that there is no logic in any of it. Humans are machines and the algorithms that they employ for attention and emotion are surprisngly uniform and very unintuitive for autists like me and you. Dont worry about the logic of whats hapenning, just think of what their algorithm is doing. Its verry dificult because you cant verify what people are thinking, you cant debug it and you cant start over -- you have to guess a lot. Overall people want to see big smiles and confident body posture. If you are slouched over people dont like it. If you stand up straight you will be amazed at how differently you are percieved. But it all has to be genuine. If youre trying to manipulate and understand people in a clinical way you will fail. All you need is a genuine desire to bond with people and the patience to pay attention to what seems to work and what doesnt.<p>I should also add that for me, and probably for most people like me, the process of figurimg out what people like and dont like is also partly a process of self discovery. Im not the kind of person thats in touch with himself. Discovering how your words impact other people will also teach you about how your mind, conciously or otherwise, reacts emotionally to the words of others. Overall ive been genuinely excited to learn about myself amd others and use that wisdom to help enjoy the presence of other people. For me its been a very productive process of growth and discovery. I think framing the problem of interpersonal relations within that context instead of the cringey, manipulative context of internet social tips really helped.
I think the article severely downplays the importance of attractiveness. If the other party finds you attractive, the bar is lowered to the point of you simply being normal/average in terms of intelligence, wit, and whatever else you want to include in your definition of what makes a person "interesting". You basically need to be a vapid idiot to give anyone a bad impression as an attractive person.<p>It's a huge factor. I've started putting some of my big programmer bucks into improving my appearance before I hit 30, starting with braces (family couldn't afford them as a kid), eyelid surgery to fix some mild ptosis, and a nose job. I've also started using sunscreen and moisturizer on my face on a regular basis.<p>The past few years have made me realize that your appearance only becomes more important as you age and progress in a white-collar career -- not less, as I was led to believe as a child. This is especially disheartening to realize while working in CA/NYC tech, which have always been billed as one of the most meritocratic and progressive sectors. Getting into shape only takes you so far. I consider myself average now, but I want to be hot.
The best bit of advice in the article:<p><i>The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“</i><p>I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion, and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect.<p>They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even though you never did anything but ask questions.
I always try to play the game of "don't say a thing about yourself until someone asks" and it always works wonders. Everyone loves me since all I do is ask questions, giving them an opportunity to speak about themselves. It seriously makes me hate people though since so few actually asks anything back.
I learned a while ago that just asking questions isn't enough - sometimes people don't want to talk, or are really boring, there's too big a group to focus on one person, or just constantly interrogating a person gets weird, etc. So you should have some good stories in your back pocket as well. If you think about the most popular people you know, they aren't well received in social settings because they pepper everyone with questions - they're usually funny, chatty, quick witted, and can either carry or let someone else carry a conversation. Be like that guy/gal, not the one that can only ask questions.
Oh internet and self-help gurus. Why do you have to be the "best" at everything and get the most of out stuff.<p>It's like those things they teach you that before giving a bad review first start with the good points then add a "but". Sound great in theory but just absurd when you realize someone is doing it to you on purpose.<p>You know you can do all this and create great rapport and win the title for best conversationalist but if this is not your nature you still won't have fun nor create that connection which you can have by just being you, with all your flaws, moles and warts. If you're not a total asshole, people like you anyway.<p>Just imagine if your friends were like this. Trying to be the best conversationalist they can be with you instead of being the usual silly dickheads they generally are..
Skimming through the article, I observed that they missed the most important step one must do to get better at talking to people:<p>Practice!<p>One doesn't learn how to write code without writing code. One also doesn't learn how to tie their shoes without actually tying shoes. So it follows that one doesn't learn how to become good at people without talking to people.<p>You've gotta go out! And I'm not talking about grabbing a drink and staying on the sidelines or going to that conference and being glued to your Mac the entire time. You've gotta approach people, and you have to get rejected.<p>People will walk away. People will ask to be excused. This stuff hurts, but just like a startup, you treat the mistakes as learnings and try again next time. It helps <i>a lot</i> to have a buddy that will help you through the process and give you feedback, since learning on your own (like I did) generally sucks.<p>How did I learn how to talk to people? I approached <i>hundreds</i> of women to start conversations with them during the morning rush and on the street. nothing deep; usually stuff about food. My dating skills improved slightly, but my conversation skills went through the roof.<p>There are other things to keep in mind, too. People care way more appearance than they let on, so dressing well and staying healthy go a long way to help you be more. Body language is also something that people look out for without knowing that they're looking out for it. Fixing posture goes a long way towards fixing this too.
There was that one time I observed a peculiar quality about a certain CEO. No matter what he was talking about it somehow would always circle back to talking about whatever company he was currently at and the conversation would always end with a joke and hearty laugh for all involved. This happened consistently enough that I thought it was a pre-determined act on his part.<p>Once I realized he was always practicing I kinda stopped talking to the guy because there was never any genuine interaction. He was always on the job and he was always practicing selling. Every conversation was just another opportunity for him to practice his messaging. I dubbed this mode of interacting and talking ceoesque.
I started relationships at the age of 24, I was really impressed how easy it was for me. I always thought I was some kind of nerd loser, which I still feel I am.<p>During all my life my method was always to slowly ask personal questions and "open up" people, let them talk about themselves, their job and skills.<p>What people love is to let them talk about their problems, without criticizing them about it. I think I learned that from therapy. Once you do that, people are hooked and it's a pretty good way to learn about them. It's not manipulative as long as you don't exploit it against them or for your interest, which is really evil (and they will notice it very quickly).<p>Then of course, you should always open up yourself if the person opened up to you, and that can be difficult, generally you should talk about yourself without necessarily waiting for the other person to ask.<p>I always felt those things were kind of manipulative, but I asked and it seems they're not.
Everything about this is highly contextual and varies across cultures. Smiling in some situations makes you look powerful, in many others it makes you look weak. Being very animated can make you look carefree in some situations and just wild in others.<p>The more time I spend in cultures that I didn't grow up in, the more convinced I become that there just aren't any universalities in this direction. Any attempt to do so is to try to generalize over all human behavior and the effort will either be wrong, being that there will be some cultures or situations where the rule doesn't hold, or it'll be useless, essentially telling you what you already know.
À lot of the discussions here remind me of the book How to Win Friends and Influence People. I recommend it. It's a short and easy read, since there are no technical terms. It's a lot of good examples that show what works and what does not in communicating with others.<p>Also, check out the list of advice from this book that is probably online somewhere. I think it's important to read the examples in the book to understand the list.
> How can you strategically make a good impression? From the outset, frame the conversation with a few well-rehearsed sentences regarding how you want to be perceived.<p>Klosterman comes to the same realization in Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa-Puffs, though from an unlikely angle--the dawn of reality television.<p>On The Real World, producers had no time to explain anyone's personality in depth, so they boiled each housemate down to a simple stereotype and selectively edited to play up that caricature. On the one hand, it was a trick of production that was massively distorting and harmful to several (most?) of the housemates.<p>On the other hand, we're all just like the producers when recalling our own interactions.<p>Like a 20-minute episode, there's just too much ground to cover to get a perfect reproduction of any person's life in a first meeting. A short working draft is the best anyone can hope for. If you help people form that, you can nudge it in a positive direction while also making yourself more memorable.
In some ways being a person people love to talk to is a burden. It takes time. Sometimes it's worth it. Quite often (and this sounds cold but it's true) it isn't.<p>Other people do make life good though and it's certainly a valuable skill. Just, it comes at a price.
I've been the recipient of active listening on more than one occasion and it's made me want to tear that persons lungs out through their mouth. It feels like you're the victim of a corrupt bureaucrat's evil stalling tactic.
I know a small number of very charismatic people. It seems to just be a natural function of who they are.<p>I have always wondered if there was a way to "become charismatic".
Somewhat related...<p>Dale Carnegie, this article, et. al describe various methods to be liked, listened to, etc. that all basically revolve around the idea that you should make the conversation about them and their needs. Even smiling is a small step away from outright saying you like them and are willing to listen.<p>One thing I've found though is that this can be mentally exhausting. It starts to feel like the people around you are starving for attention and suddenly they've found an oasis of it.<p>But over even a short time the entropy of being on the giving end of nearly every interaction with someone creates a sort of mental energy vacuum.<p>Certainly I can't be the only one who has experienced this -- how do you maintain your energy or sense of self when you are consistently trying to meet other people's needs?
Is it just me or is this just a hidden advertisement for the book "It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone" by Robin Dreke [1]?<p>The book is mentioned (and linked) several times in the article and in articles the article itself cites as sources (and links to).<p>[1]<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0060YIBLK" rel="nofollow">https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0060YIBLK</a>
"Ask people questions since people love talking about themselves" is common conversational advice I hear.<p>In general I agree, but it's a bit disheartening when you realize that many people are so happy to talk about themselves that they never bother to ask you about yourself.
I feel like this article is outlining how to fake a lot of things... It emphasizes rote lines. It feels shallow. However, I think it hints at what it takes to be a good conversationalist: a deep and genuine interest in people. That coupled with a broad knowledge allows you to find what someone is interested in and learn from their perspective while adding some to theirs. This is the core of solid communication and conversation.
>Suspend your ego. Avoid correcting people<p>This is actually an important thing to do and difficult for many of us "hacker" types that think more analytically.
This one is the best from my recent readings. Communication is one of the important aspect of every soul prevailing on earth and we / humans are special one. Now from the business standpoint, it is always better to have good communicator who can negotiate with properly. I just want to add my words at the 'Silence' section; my viewpoints say, silence can be better than words sometimes.
As an introvert and someone who cares about my privacy and doesn't like to reveal personal details, I find it easier to simply keep the conversational ball in the other person's court.<p>This seems to equal being a good listener.<p>The trick is to learn to close the conversation when you are done with it, and avoid useless prattle from the other person.