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The 'Over-Parenting Crisis' in School and at Home (2015)

111 pointsby Ibethewalrusalmost 7 years ago

17 comments

christofoshoalmost 7 years ago
As a teacher of ages 4 up until 14, I think parents and people in general need to be concious toward what constitutes &quot;over&quot; parenting. Too often we as teachers see students that are behaving poorly, or having more trouble in school, because they do not have enough help or consistency at home. Parents reading articles like this might take them too literally and step too far from their child&#x27;s life. Parenting should be a balance. You should know, as a parent, what is happening with your child&#x27;s schooling, and be there to help. But you should not micromanage the child. Parent involvement leads to more academic confidence and success[1], and more behavioural[2] success.<p>[1] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov&#x2F;pmc&#x2F;articles&#x2F;PMC3020099&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov&#x2F;pmc&#x2F;articles&#x2F;PMC3020099&#x2F;</a> [2] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;steinhardt.nyu.edu&#x2F;scmsAdmin&#x2F;media&#x2F;users&#x2F;sm6&#x2F;McCormick_2013_parent_involvement.pdf" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;steinhardt.nyu.edu&#x2F;scmsAdmin&#x2F;media&#x2F;users&#x2F;sm6&#x2F;McCormi...</a>
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lauriegalmost 7 years ago
As someone considering starting a family, I have literally no idea what parenting is anymore. When I was younger I was pretty much left to my own devices, sent off to play with my brother and then packed off to school when old enough. My parents were too busy working, cooking and cleaning to do much fancy extra curricular stuff.<p>I do wonder now what I should be doing to prepare for parenthood. I feel that perhaps it&#x27;s not the sort of thing that can be distilled down into an easy to read 200 page paperback.
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jknoepfleralmost 7 years ago
I&#x27;d expect NPR to not use the word &quot;crisis&quot; in this context. There no obvious juncture, no imminent, looming problem that demands decisive action. There&#x27;s just yet another op-ed pop-psyche piece about kids failing to learn &quot;how to adult.&quot;<p>I&#x27;m not surprised by the existence of the article, it&#x27;s as inevitable as my curmudgeonly response. I&#x27;m surprised NPR stooped to publishing it.
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tehabealmost 7 years ago
Recently I watched a report by the US correspondent of the German public television. She spoke with parents who got into trouble because they let their children play near the house. A mom who put surveillance software on their children&#x27;s phone. Parents who look on video feeds from the day care centres.<p>I found this shocking and also dangerous in the long run, people are getting used to surveillance might also accept it by the state.
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thorellalmost 7 years ago
I think a lot of parents don&#x27;t know how to effectively parent and make up for that with enthusiasm. Too much involvement, not enough parenting. I am guilty of this.
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jimhefferonalmost 7 years ago
I teach in a college. Many&#x27;s the time I&#x27;ve been waiting to get into a classroom because the folks in there are wrapping up an exam, and students come out, instantly produce the phone, and I hear, &quot;Hi mom, I did OK on the quiz, I think ...&quot; That&#x27;s too much.
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squozzeralmost 7 years ago
I offer the following hypothesis - competition for entry into &quot;the best&quot; colleges, competition for &quot;free money&quot; through scholarships, and competition for &quot;good jobs&quot; after college has <i>driven</i> parents to micromanage their children&#x27;s school &quot;career.&quot;<p>The margins for &quot;error&quot; - i.e. achieving suboptimal grades and cultivating interests outside of &quot;school stuff&quot; - have shrunk since I was a kid.<p>This is, of course, in addition to the need for parents to acquire bragging rights about their children.
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smelendezalmost 7 years ago
&gt; Some schools have an explicit policy against parents doing kids&#x27; homework and in favor of kids raising issues and concerns themselves rather than relying on their parents to do so. These schools are part of the solution.<p>I&#x27;d love to see these policies tested, e.g., have five high school kids with class scheduling issues attempt to resolve them themselves, and another five have their parents call, and compare how the process goes.
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stcredzeroalmost 7 years ago
Jonathan Haidt thinks an earlier child abduction scare sparked the overly fragile undergrads that started to appear in 2014.<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.youtube.com&#x2F;watch?v=snqXOvnHzcQ" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.youtube.com&#x2F;watch?v=snqXOvnHzcQ</a><p>We are raising kids lacking conflict resolution skills who can&#x27;t discuss and would rather coerce someone who doesn&#x27;t conform to their ideas.
tarr11almost 7 years ago
I&#x27;m not convinced this is a real problem. The term helicopter parenting was first used in 1990 [0] New Yorker article on same topic from 2008 [1]<p>Articles and posts like this are chock-full of anecdotes and head-nodding, but short on studies or other data to even correlate against. Seems like this &quot;crisis&quot; has been happening for a long time.<p>Is there a longitudinal study on children who have been &quot;helicopter parented?&quot; vs those who were raised &quot;free-range&quot;?<p>[0] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Helicopter_parent" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Helicopter_parent</a><p>[1] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.newyorker.com&#x2F;magazine&#x2F;2008&#x2F;11&#x2F;17&#x2F;the-child-trap" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.newyorker.com&#x2F;magazine&#x2F;2008&#x2F;11&#x2F;17&#x2F;the-child-trap</a>
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finaliterationalmost 7 years ago
It’s a difficult balance to strike and it’s easy to judge parents either way. I’m plenty guilty of being on both sides as a parent. My particular challenge, however, stems from PTSD from childhood abuse and neglect, so I feel even -more- pressure to give my child everything she needs and wants because I don’t want her to feel as alone and unwanted as I did. But I do worry that comes at the price of her independence, which is something else I definitely don’t want to take away from her.<p>The paradoxical thing for me is that much of what I’ve achieved has come about because I was forced to do things on my own and fend for myself. It built a lot of “character” but at the same time I’m not anywhere near happy or content.
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projektiralmost 7 years ago
If you find a behavior you don&#x27;t like, figure out what&#x27;s causing it. It&#x27;s probably not random, parents are probably not just being dumb.<p>Test scores, or minor misbehaviors, or other things, can disproportionately influence someone&#x27;s future, to extents that are not realistic or human. Children, left to their own devices, will have trouble surviving in a world that runs on rules that don&#x27;t actually make sense. Parents can sense this, so they try to protect their children, and they play by the rules that they see. There&#x27;s no advantage to being fair, to doing things the &quot;right&quot; way, because the message has already gotten out that the rules are arbitrary. It&#x27;s not important what you know, it&#x27;s important that you pass the test.<p>Or, as they say, &quot;best predictor of future behavior is past behavior&quot; (very horrible sentiment).<p>If you don&#x27;t want parents being overzealous and a bit crazy about their children, stop making society so damn competitive and inflexible. There are so many pitfalls someone can fall down just by accident, just by being human.
JTbanealmost 7 years ago
The eternal debate continues between the &quot;overbearing fascist helicopter parents&quot; and the &quot;free-parenting grossly negligent degenerates&quot;. (I have no horse in this race and find these pieces interesting nonetheless)
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notadocalmost 7 years ago
Related:<p>&gt; The research found, on average, children were playing outside for just over four hours a week<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.theguardian.com&#x2F;environment&#x2F;2016&#x2F;jul&#x2F;27&#x2F;children-spend-only-half-the-time-playing-outside-as-their-parents-did" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.theguardian.com&#x2F;environment&#x2F;2016&#x2F;jul&#x2F;27&#x2F;children...</a>
throwaway0255almost 7 years ago
This topic is always a great opportunity to share stories about what childhood was like just a few decades ago, so I&#x27;ll share mine.<p>When I was 5-10, a typical day for me was spent alone or with friends outside, from sun up to down, with zero adult supervision. There wouldn&#x27;t even be an adult who knew where I was going or where I was. They simply gave me the responsibility of returning home before the sun went down, and over those years I always did, mostly because I was hungry. The only exception was one day when I traveled too far, realized too late that the sun was going down, and collapsed from exhaustion trying to get home. My family searched for and found me during twilight. I learned valuable lessons that day.<p>I recently looked up my childhood home on Google Maps to see how far I would go, and I would regularly travel within about a 3-mile radius. The surrounding area was heavily wooded and mostly vacant.<p>I would see a black bear probably once a month. My parents just told me to make noise as I traveled, to keep them scared off of my position. I knew never to play with their cubs. I knew never to run from them. I knew to stand ground and be loud and aggressive if I was ever approached or charged by one.<p>I fell off my bike and skinned my knees probably 40 or 50 times. I have many memories of limping my bike home on foot for a mile while sobbing in pain, and then squeezing my dad&#x27;s hand as hard as I could while he poured hydrogen peroxide or rubbing alcohol over my bleeding knee. Every time this happened, he would just tell me I was going to heal up fast and get right back on the bike.<p>A common route for me was to ride my bike along the side of the highway a few miles to a corner store so I could buy chips or candy, or visit a waitress my family knew at a local breakfast spot for some free eggs. Nobody ever stopped their car and tried to &quot;rescue&quot; me. The people at the shops knew how I got there, they were not concerned.<p>When I was about 10, my family moved to a rich white suburb outside a major city. Their policy of letting me be independent and go wherever I wanted unsupervised continued, but in this new town I was regularly approached by adults asking if I was lost, strangers asking where my parents were, and adults on golf carts with walkie-talkies reprimanding me and sending me home for no particular reason.<p>I found their concern for my well-being incredibly insulting. I was insulted that they thought I couldn&#x27;t handle myself, and later I was insulted by the way I realized they were judging my family and my parents. As a result, I was downright rude to a lot of them, and kind of earned a negative reputation. Ended up getting blamed for a lot of vandalism despite never vandalizing anything, and causing problems between my family and other local families, simply by locals assigning blame to me for all kinds of things based purely on my reputation of being out unsupervised a lot and being rude to certain adults.<p>So I got a taste of both worlds just by moving. I don&#x27;t think the problem of over-parenting is restricted to time and trend. I think it has a strong geographical and cultural component, too. I suspect that if I went back to my hometown, I might still find kids unsupervised, riding their bikes and skinning their knees in the summer. I&#x27;ve also heard from people outside the country that this helicopter parenting thing seems to be largely restricted to the US.
guard0galmost 7 years ago
What kind of parent does their kid&#x27;s homework?!<p>Here&#x27;s an idea. Why not have &quot;how to be a parent&quot; classes taught in high school or college?
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geoffreyhalealmost 7 years ago
&quot;parents are more focused on keeping their children safe, content and happy in the moment than on parenting for competence&quot;