Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

First of all: remember that you are lucky. I know it's hard to see it that way right now, but you were given an incredible gift in the time that the two of you had together. The fact that it was cut short so abruptly and meaninglessly doesn't take away from that; if anything, it highlights it.<p>In terms of "how", there is no magic answer; you just try to keep learning, and keep giving to others, to the best of your ability.<p>You say that you used to speak for an hour each day; I'd suggest that you spend a portion of that time writing down things you remember-- lessons, anecdotes, etc. The time may come, years from now, when you'll be glad you have some tangible reminders of his advice.<p>Good luck to you.

1) Talk to a shrink. I'm not a big medication guy, so simply having an impartial, 3rd party can help. Plus, they know grief so they can help you find some strategies.<p>2) Channel your Father. I don't mean in some Psycho (movie) sort of way. I mean that likely without knowing it, you know what your father would have said for a long time. You could likely say "what would he have said" and have him there with you. Sometimes, writing questions and then answering them as if you were him can reveal the answer... and help.<p>3) Tell other people who your father was. Go out of your way to talk to people and when some advice pops into your head that your dad would have conveyed, relay that. If possible, mentor someone yourself. Passing on experience really lets folks live on. Even if the people you're passing stuff on to aren't related (like a son or daughter), mentoring people is as valuable for the mentor as the person being mentored.

My father died very suddenly about a year ago. It came as a total shock - one day he was just gone. I walked around in a daze for a few months, and I'll admit that it was nearly six months before I started to get back on my feet.<p>This was one of the toughest things that has ever happened to me, and it definitely changed me. So here's what has helped me to recover<p>I think that the biggest thing that helps is time - losing a parent is a profound experience, and not one that you can easily cope with. There is really no way to prepare for it. I still think about my father nearly every day, and it's hard to believe that he's gone. But, as time has gone on, I've definitely managed to put it into some sort of perspective. I can't say that it is a positive experience, but I've learned to value the time I do have. My father was twice my age, so maybe I've used up half my time. I had better make that time count.<p>Another thing that helps is taking a break. It's fine to take a little bit of time for yourself to get things together. It's interesting to see how people respond to the death of a family member - a lot of people try to fill the hole by throwing themselves into a frenzy of activities. Eventually, though, you have to face yourself and make peace if you want to recover.<p>Finding stability in your life is also important. When my father died, I was working on a startup. The startup was on its last legs, but his death completely threw things off balance for me. I felt like I was floating for a long time, and decided that I needed to add some stability to my life. Just too many things were uncertain at the time, and I couldn't deal with that. About six months ago, I decided to take a job with a more established startup. I feel like adding some stability to my life has definitely helped to put things back to normal. This was kind of the last thing on my mind for several years before that, but in this particular case, I think that it helped me to recover.<p>Finally, I think it's important to talk about it with people. I'm sure that you have friends who have lost parents - talk to them about the experience. If you have siblings, talk to them. You will find out that a lot of what's going through your head is stuff that everyone experiences. I wish that I had done more of this - I feel like I kind of shut down and didn't really want to talk about it for a while. If you need to (and maybe if you don't think you need do), seek out professional help. They are trained to help people who have been through this sort of experience.

Three months is not much time at all to deal with a situation of this magnitude. Be patient with yourself, and give yourself a lot more time. In my own personal experience, it took 2 years to deal with losing somebody close to me. Even after that of course, things were never the same as before, but I eventually felt myself again, and could enjoy the memories I held. Again personally, but I found keeping a journal a great release. Good luck

My condolences.<p>I can think of two pieces of advice, from my experience, that stand a chance of being helpful.<p>(1) Don't expect yourself to respond differently from how you're responding. At various moments in a single day you may be miserable, numb, and surprisingly cheerful. None of these is the wrong response, especially when the loss is so fresh. If you're still feeling perpetually distraught in two years, talk to a shrink. (Talk to a shrink now if you think it might be helpful, but don't do it because you think your response is somehow disproportionate or invalid. It isn't.)<p>(2) Get used to the fact that this event will place a layer of friction between you and most other people. Hopefully you have one or two people in your life who you have talked to, at length, about what you're going through. Others, even good friends, will regularly say things that feel callous and unsympathetic. Try to be patient with them.

My father died very suddenly when I was 13 years old and it really threw me in to a tailspin. I finally decided people die and we miss them. At first its such a huge thing that it blots out the sun. It always stays that huge, but as we move away from it in time, eventually we get to where we can see the sun peeping out around the edges.<p>When I grew up and got married, my first husband was kidnapped and we found his murdered remains four months later. It is an unsolved mystery that is 23 years old. I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. I stood out in my garden, dug my feet into the mud, and I cried. I cried for three weeks straight. No anti-depressants - just process. Grief is a process.<p>My advice is: 1) Your mind can take you to weird places around murder. Don't get too out there. People die and we miss them. Its that simple. 2) Don't talk about it all the time to everyone you know. Its pretty easy to say, "Hi, nice to meet you, my dad died," because its like a huge sunburn all over your body. But talking about it constantly keeps it at the surface of your conscious mind. It is better to wait and speak about your feelings with a trusted loved one or friend or in therapy. 3) Get a therapist - a cognitive therapist - and shop around for someone who is logical, intuitive and genuine.<p>I'm really sorry to hear you have lost your father. My father was the best father a person could ever have. He was brilliant, a scientist at NASA, a protege to Werner Von Braun, had an IQ higher than Albert Einstein's and was warm, loving - he was just the best. Its hard for other people to understand when you lose someone that is wonderful, because there are lots of people who lose a regular Joe, but how many of us have the experience of losing someone awesome? By this I mean that lots of people have dads that left them, didn't pay child support, or were abusive - its a different experience when you have a wonderful dad. I keep a photo of my father above my kitchen sink. Even though I lost him when I was so young, I'm grateful I had that man for a father and the love I received from him.<p>You get up in the morning, brush your teeth, floss, get a shower, eat your breakfast, and go about your day. Its going to be okay. Have faith things are going to be better over time.

I'm sorry for your loss. I found that time does heal most wounds. From experience, try not to make any big decisions right now, you'll tend to be emotive and reactional, rather than rational. Eat healthy and get lots of sleep (psychological effects of trauma cause real physical effects).

When I was twelve, my father died. On my birthday. Needless to say this fucked me up; I closed up pretty much entirely and drifted through life for something like ten or fifteen years.<p>In some ways, I think nobody's truly dead until their last echo fades from history - when I have that moment of drawing and feeling like I'm totally channeling Jack Kirby, he lives again through me. What of your father still lives in you?<p>Make social contact; start to look for new anchors for who you are. You'll never find a replacement for him but you'll find someone who's just as interesting. Maybe they'll be a lover, maybe they'll be a new mentor. Maybe some of both. Put yourself in new situations.<p>Three months? I think you're still quite right to be grieving.

it's your turn to be the mentor, find someone and do for them what your father did for you.<p>I'll bet that was his intention all along.

mattblalock: My business mentor / great friend died a little over a year ago and its been very hard to adjust. There really isn't anything to say that will help except for it will take time to adjust and move on. In my case I was "lucky" because my associate died of cancer so I was able to say final "goodbyes", etc. In fact, he final gift to me was being able to describe the process of dying and how he felt at each stage.<p>BTW, it turns out there ARE atheists in foxholes.

My condolences. My father plays a huge role in my life. He's got Parkinson's Disease and has had it for well over a decade now... it will eventually kill him. So I've had time to think about this. The truth is, when it comes time, I have no idea how I will deal with it. But my father, being the person he is, would want me to live my life to the best of my ability and live it without getting hung up on the little things. The reality is that we all die eventually, like it or not. To honor the memory of our loved ones we should do what they would want and I doubt they would want us to be so stricken with grief as to shut down our lives. I like what michael_dorfman had to say; you are very fortunate that you got to spend as much time as you did with your father. Cherish his memory, always.

Let me add my own condolences, and reiterate that it will take longer than three months. I'm still affected by my dad's death a year ago (today) after a long and difficult illness. You've got it even tougher, given the brutal circumstances and the suddenness of the rip in your universe.<p>Mourning takes time, and there's not much you can do to speed up the process. I strongly suspect this folk wisdom underlies the traditional rule that a widow(er) shouldn't remarry before a year has elapsed.

When my dad died I felt as though I was at sea without a compass. I came to see that fundamentally we only know what we know and that we are responsible for the ship (our lives) regardless of what we know about navigation (if anything). Usually experience shows us that we only think we know, but there is a pretty long list of things that generally work that we can learn about. The loss I feel is that the trusted navigator I used to ask when I couldn't tell where my ship was going isn't there anymore, and he can't be replaced. He used to say "do the best you can, that's as much as any of us can do". Navigating as best I can honors him and pulls me together at the low points. Letting the vessel go adrift doesn't help anyone. He's been gone a few years now. I don't know that my life will ever be "back together again". It just goes on changing, and for now, I go on with it.

Sorry to hear about your loss. Like the other's have said, time will make things easier to deal with. Be alert though for signs of destructive behavior, as this can make your life even more complicated. Increases in drinking/drugging, isolating oneself, excessive risk taking, etc.

I am <i>SO</i> sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to understand or appreciate the gravity of what you have experienced.<p>In my humble opinion, the best thing you can do to put life back together, and honor your father's memory... is to mentor someone else.<p>Pay it forward, if you will.<p>This will cement the lessons he taught you, in your mind, and you will learn more through experience.<p>I would also venture to say that you will come up with wisdom of your own, as times goes on.<p>As much as it hurts, this experience of losing your father, and how you respond to it, in your life... will be part of makes you who you are.<p>If you ever need/want to talk, don't hesitate to drop me a line.

That's a terrible situation. I'm very sorry for your loss.<p>My father has conveyed to me some enormously valuable things over the years. When his time comes, I think a major part of dealing with it, for me, will be both preserving these things and passing them on. If you can put to paper some of the wisdom he's given to you, and then spread that to others, I'm sure you'd be doing him proud. And beyond that, I'm sure you'd be doing something beneficial for yourself and for us all. Good luck.

My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what that must feel like. As others here have said, it's perfectly understandable that you've been in shock and grief.<p>I think the best suggestion I could give is to be easy on yourself. It's good that you're starting to feel ready to begin moving forward, but don't rush anything. Be glad for what you can do, and don't worry about what you're not ready to do yet. Taking a long walk every day might help.

Whenever I feel bad because the world around me is falling, I always repeat myself that it's just a normal reaction. Take your time, it's ok be sad, you don't have to accomodate people around you.<p>You were also very lucky to have build such a warm relationship with your father, something many childs are never able to do and regret later. Only time will make you feel better, and he still be here with you as you'll remember his insights all your life.

Get some bereavement counselling - coming to terms in something that must seem so unjust, can't be easy.<p>It will be very useful to be able to process the hurt you're feeling, in the company of someone who has good experience helping people who've dealt with similar losses.

Build something he would be proud of.

Thank you all so much for the kind words and encouragement. I have no idea how to find a shrink... if you were looking for one, how would you go about finding a good one?

No one close to me has died, but I have had other big traumas in my life and big changes. I found that going out and finding something constructive to fill my time was a good move at some point, sometimes after having a period of mourning/wrapping my brain around the issue. I also spent some time in my twenties watching tear-jerk movies (alone and late at night) and crying my eyes out. After a while of that, I stopped feeling sad all the time. It helped me release those emotions.

He would have wanted you to move onward and succeed. In fact, that is the only way to do his memory justice.

Sorry to hear about your loss. Obviously no one can replace your mentor. However, I am sure your mentor would have wanted to pass down the things they did to someone.<p>As you go through that process you will find that sooner or later anew pursuit pops in mind that is connected to your mentor.

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