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How Inuit parents teach kids to control their anger

611 pointsby n_tabout 6 years ago

34 comments

kentosiabout 6 years ago
An excellent read, but my only doubt is whether this is effective because all your peers have been raised this way.<p>Ie - If someone raises his&#x2F;her child like this in our western society it might be conflicting for the child to learn how to behave like this at home, and then spend the majority of their time at school where other children behave completely differently.<p>I certainly recall being raised to never answer back to your adults. And then I saw other kids answering back to their parents (and getting away with it) and then all that upbringing went out the window.
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Flip-perabout 6 years ago
I&#x27;ve been to Sri Lanka recently where 70 % of the people are Buddhists. It&#x27;s a beautiful island, the people are very calm and nice to each other and to Tourists, it was a pleasure to travel around. It&#x27;s a very safe place, crime and stealing is almost nonexistent. Disagreements are solved in a quite calm way.<p>And then I got aware that it has one of the highest suicide rates worldwide. How comes? One issue might be that Sri Lankans do not talk about their feelings. The civil war ended 10 years ago, not talking about what happened very likely has bad effects on mental health. Another issue could be that hiding aggression might not be healthy either. Studies show that hiding aggression is one possible cause for depressions, which might depend on the society you are living in. (I didn&#x27;t read those studies but heard them from multiple reliable sources) Being aggressive doesn&#x27;t mean starting to hit somebody, it can be raising your voice and get your opinion across very clearly. I&#x27;m not sure whether a calm and self-controlled Inuit child would have an easy time in a western Kindergarten, school, or workplace.
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emmanuel_1234about 6 years ago
This kind of article is inspiring, but also makes me depressed at what a shit parent I must be and all the various ways I&#x27;m screwing up with my kids head, despite trying my best, out of my own imperfections and ignorance.<p>Scary.
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gpvosabout 6 years ago
Edit: please don&#x27;t upvote this, it detracts from the discussion of the article itself.<p>Side note: I don&#x27;t mind that my earlier submission[0] didn&#x27;t get traction, just happy that the article gets the attention it deserves.<p>However, I&#x27;m curious, because the URLs are completely identical, and I thought HN then treats a submission soon after as an upvote to the earlier submission. Has this changed, or was this new post just out of the time range?<p>Also, when I submitted it, I was surprised that the title got automatically edited, chopping off the &quot;How&quot;. (I submitted it as &quot;How Inuit parents teach kids to control their anger&quot;, exactly as this posting, and also the title of the article.) Yet this posting has the original title. Can anyone explain that?<p>[0] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;news.ycombinator.com&#x2F;item?id=19387122" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;news.ycombinator.com&#x2F;item?id=19387122</a>
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ph0rqueabout 6 years ago
I wonder if we can improve our own behavior by telling ourselves the right stories? And what would those stories be?<p>(One phrase that sometimes helps me avoid bad habits is telling myself: &quot;You&#x27;ve been down this road. The consequences won&#x27;t be good!&quot;)
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sinuhe69about 6 years ago
I believe telling small children scary stories so they would refrain from doing something particular damaging is quite common among many cultures. Vietnamese in the old days for example were doing exactly the same. The problem is however that people can easily abuse this <i>technique</i> to manipulate children to get whatever they want. And when children once grow older or are particularly smart, they would mistrust it <i>and everything adults had told them</i>, clearly more damaging than beneficial. Ghosts story in one’s childhood was very common in Vietnam and no doubt they have contributed much to the widespread superstition and belief in supernatural things in Vietnam. Which is supposedly no problem for the Inuits but undeniably very problematic for any modern economy.<p>Using story telling and personification to teach children empathy is another common technique. In general I find them quite effective and would recommend them unconditionally if there is no problem with the time constraint modern life must be facing. In a culture where a time span of days have not much meaning, I guest all people can sit down, wait for the child to calm itself and then talk and tell stories to teach them. However it is sometimes almost impossible or at least very very hard to wait for a naughty, tantrum throwing child to calm itself down in a modern society. I think of the situation in a supermarket where a mother has to obey certain rules and at the same time has to finish the shopping to make supper on time or in a packed classroom where teachers has only 45 minutes to achieve something or on an airport&#x2F;airplane.<p>Certainly, yelling at small children or even spanking them is not optimal and often not very helpful but anger is not the evil per se either. The key is to choose wisely how to act on this particular feeling. Suppressing or even disguising it under a friendly facade is not helpful, often even damaging for one’s mental health and relationships.
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newnewpdroabout 6 years ago
In my circles it&#x27;s common knowledge that what you observe in the behavior of children is an unfiltered reflection of their home environment. When kids are violent, loud, abusive, it&#x27;s <i>very</i> likely that&#x27;s what their home looks like.<p>It&#x27;s surprising to me that this is being portrayed as some kind of discovery&#x2F;revelation.<p>My father would get very frustrated and violently angry when things didn&#x27;t go according to plan, particularly in the garage when repairing something under time pressure. It took me over a decade living away from that environment to completely shed some of the same behaviors I had picked up just being around it.<p>Nowadays there&#x27;s an Isaac Asimov quote I tell myself whenever such situations emerge:<p>&quot;Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent&quot; - and I&#x27;ll add &quot;are you incompetent?&quot;
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resalisburyabout 6 years ago
What is the evidence that this works? Do inuit communities have lower rates of domestic violence, violent crime etc? Are their other ways of measuring or defining &quot;success&quot;?<p>I&#x27;m reminded of the research for &quot; Becoming a Man&quot; (BAM) small groups of adolescents males get together and share stories about times they were angry. There have been several randomized controlled trials that show this reduces juvenile crime rates. And it&#x27;s a cheap intervention to run. Seems like it shares characteristics around story telling, self reflection and acting like a grown up.<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;urbanlabs.uchicago.edu&#x2F;projects&#x2F;becoming-a-man" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;urbanlabs.uchicago.edu&#x2F;projects&#x2F;becoming-a-man</a>
Kirthabout 6 years ago
I saw this article pop up elsewhere on the web and am a bit surprised all the reactions here seem to take the article at face value because of its holistic content.<p>And as some other people on the Internet have pointed out [0]: spanking and physical punishments seem to be a big part of Inuit child rearing [1]. In fact, modern studies about child and adult abuse show concerning figures [2]<p>[0] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.reddit.com&#x2F;r&#x2F;slatestarcodex&#x2F;comments&#x2F;b0so4h&#x2F;how_inuit_parents_teach_kids_to_control_their&#x2F;eihcuf8&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.reddit.com&#x2F;r&#x2F;slatestarcodex&#x2F;comments&#x2F;b0so4h&#x2F;how_...</a><p>[1] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.cbc.ca&#x2F;news&#x2F;canada&#x2F;north&#x2F;inuit-traditional-knowledge-committee-discusses-spanking-1.3241238" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.cbc.ca&#x2F;news&#x2F;canada&#x2F;north&#x2F;inuit-traditional-knowl...</a><p>[2] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov&#x2F;pmc&#x2F;articles&#x2F;PMC3708004&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov&#x2F;pmc&#x2F;articles&#x2F;PMC3708004&#x2F;</a>
scandoxabout 6 years ago
With regard to the story-telling approach to discipline...My mother told me that if I didn&#x27;t brush my teeth that small birds and lizards would come in the night and eat the sugar off my teeth, but also accidentally eat some of the enamel and eventually I would be left with blackened triangular stumps.<p>That worked pretty well and retained surprising effectiveness even after I was absolutely clear that no such thing would happen.
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willvkabout 6 years ago
This is the best and simplest description I have seen of parenting. Do no get emotional. Describe, explain, reason, rationalise. Beautiful. Such timeless advice.
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mehrdadnabout 6 years ago
&gt; Across the board, all the moms mention one golden rule: Don&#x27;t shout or yell at small children.<p>Interesting to note, this is the exact same conclusion Louis Rossman had come to: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.youtube.com&#x2F;watch?v=HRwuu0u3UFA" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.youtube.com&#x2F;watch?v=HRwuu0u3UFA</a>
cabaalisabout 6 years ago
&gt; The mom picked up a pebble and said, &quot;&#x27;Hit me! Go on. Hit me harder,&#x27;&quot; Briggs remembered. The boy threw the rock at his mother, and she exclaimed, &quot;Ooooww. That hurts!&quot;<p>My son had a tremendously difficult time in preschool with his behavior. One of the ways we were taught by the teachers to mitigate this is that we use a method similar to this. When he would bite, kick, or hit, we would greatly overreact in pain or sadness to discourage him from doing it--to teach him that those things hurt people.<p>That helped. But his behavior continued to be a significant problem despite various professionals&#x27; best methods until the pediatrician began treating him for ADHD. Then we had a complete and total 180.<p>I wonder how these people would deal with a situation like that? Would we have gotten a better outcome and not had to go a medical route?
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n_tabout 6 years ago
It&#x27;s a long article but I found it to be very enlightening. It not just teaches how to control anger and parenting but also the importance of story telling.
lilbobbytablesabout 6 years ago
Read this as &quot;Intuit&quot; parents... and was very confused.
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HNLurker2about 6 years ago
How can I not be angry as a teen? (depending on circumstances and truama as a child and childhood).<p>&quot;What doesn&#x27;t kill you makes you stronger&quot;<p>I am mad jealous of children whose parents made them do outdoor activies. Heck I wish I wasn&#x27;t even born (can&#x27;t suffer again neck fracture, unless a gun does the job I live on). I am mad jealous at other rich spoiled kids. Heck I am mad at useless bullshit jobs. Heck I am mad at meaningless cosmological nihilism that we all try to avoid. Heck I am mad for being a nobody without any social life, hobbies and even failing at exams.<p>I do not know if anger helps you fight your circhmstanced or is just detrimental?
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aerophilicabout 6 years ago
One thing that I know many parents realize is that our kids are incredible “sponges”, they really do look to you as to handle situations.<p>It follows then teaching&#x2F;modeling how to calm is so important.<p>This also however reminds me how it is also the reason why it isn’t bad to “disagree” in front of the kids (Assuming you and your significant other can do so constructively) [1]. It is the idea of showing them how you work through conflict, and resolve it in a meaningful way.<p>If you don’t show them how the conflicts get resolved, how will they ever learn? More importantly how will they handle their own conflicts in productive way?<p>[1] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.psychologytoday.com&#x2F;us&#x2F;blog&#x2F;peaceful-parents-happy-kids&#x2F;201902&#x2F;how-do-damage-control-when-you-fight-in-front-your-kid" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.psychologytoday.com&#x2F;us&#x2F;blog&#x2F;peaceful-parents-hap...</a>
hjk05about 6 years ago
So the moral is, instead of acting out at children in the moment, instead just stay calm and instil them with a mortal fear of the mundane.<p>I’m not sure how much I like that last part, and whether I feel little kids should be fearing they’ll get decapitated if they forget to wear their hats. That might make them less prone to emotional outbursts as adults, but then again so does a lobotomy and electrotheorepy, that doesn’t mean it’s a great idea.<p>I do however love the way this article frames parenting and culture and ties inputs to outputs in parenting. I wonder how well it holds up in practice, if you can say measssure the emotional responses of a hundred adults and use that to accurately estimate if they where scolded as children?
dcustodioabout 6 years ago
It&#x27;s a nice story but I&#x27;ve seen this parenting technique applied in our western society:<p>- &quot;Don&#x27;t do this or the police will arrest you&quot;.<p>- &quot;eat you yogurt or that kid over there is going to eat it&quot;.<p>Isn&#x27;t this fearmongering?
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Jemmabout 6 years ago
I was on board with the article until they mentioned checking for ear wax to see if a child is listening, and telling stories of special child eating monsters.<p>In a society that relies on the group for survival, one can imagine that a child learns pretty quickly that they have to get along or they will perish.<p>What the story does not tell us is what happens to children with behavioural or psychological issues.
cheschireabout 6 years ago
I wonder how much the success of a parenting style has to do with the genetic predisposition within the children to receive the intended messages. What works for one culture that may be more genetically isolated seems potentially unpredictable when introduced into a group of differing genetic heritage.
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dnprockabout 6 years ago
I teach my children boxing. Get a pair of gloves and pads from Amazon. I think it has many benefits: improving confidence, controlling anger. It does take patience. Not every kid is physically made to fight. Also, parents need to learn about safety.
gumbyabout 6 years ago
&gt; &quot;no timeouts&quot;<p>Interesting that the presumption of the author is that the timeout is a <i>punishment</i> rather than a way to get the child to &quot;reset&quot; whatever overstimulation is causing a problem.
mothsonaslothabout 6 years ago
The article goes into great detail about the social aspect and culture but I wonder if there is an environmental aspect too. In such a hostile environment anger and violence would be a threat to the Inuit tribes
rdmcgregorabout 6 years ago
That&#x27;s an interesting read. It&#x27;s nice to see broader perspectives on some of these topics.
tikuabout 6 years ago
It must be also nice to not exert much energy on yelling and being mad in such a cold environment.
barry-cotterabout 6 years ago
<a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.reddit.com&#x2F;r&#x2F;slatestarcodex&#x2F;comments&#x2F;b0so4h&#x2F;comment&#x2F;eihcuf8" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.reddit.com&#x2F;r&#x2F;slatestarcodex&#x2F;comments&#x2F;b0so4h&#x2F;comm...</a><p>The article praises the Inuit for a &quot;no scolding, no timeouts&quot; form of child-rearing, talks about how &quot;the culture views scolding — or even speaking to children in an angry voice — as inappropriate...even if the child hits you or bites you, there&#x27;s no raising your voice&quot; and quotes Inuit elders as saying that &quot;they&#x27;re upset about something, and you have to figure out what it is&quot;. It says that this is why adult Inuit have &quot;an extraordinary ability to control their anger&quot;.<p>I Googled some studies about Inuit to see if I could find anything that didn&#x27;t fit with this narrative, and came across this article on how Inuit leaders are protesting Canada&#x27;s anti-child-abuse policy, because they say it is too harsh on traditional Inuit child-rearing practices like spanking. They complain that child protective services are unfairly removing children from Inuit homes, because they don&#x27;t understand that Inuit tradition permits forms of physical discipline that might not be acceptable in broader Canadian society.<p>I also found this collection of interviews with Inuit elders where they describe how things were in the traditional old days. When asked about discipline, Elder Tipuula:<p>&quot;If it was a boy, it was his father’s responsibility to discipline him. If he only wanted to spank him once, then he would only spank him once. He would behave for a while, and if he started to misbehave again, the father could spank him a second time.We women took care of our daughters. Some children reached adulthood without ever needing a spanking. Some of them needed to be spanked, and would thank us when they were older for correcting them. Parents would spank children to make them aware of things they had not been paying attention to. Some children were spanked when they did not deserve it and this was bad for a child’s development. When they realized they did not deserve a spanking, they became angry. Children who deserved to be spanked grew up being thankful for the discipline they received. Children who did not deserve to be spanked grew up to become angry people.&quot;<p>Elder Ilisapi adds:<p>&quot;Some of us tended to take out our frustration on our children when it was our husband who we were angry at. Even if the child had done nothing wrong, if he made one small mistake, we took out our frustration on him. If children were treated like that,they could be damaged. It was their spouse they were angry at in the first place but they took their frustration out on their child. That is not the way to treat a child. It is not good.&quot;<p>Modern-day studies are downright appalling. <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov&#x2F;pmc&#x2F;articles&#x2F;PMC3708004&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov&#x2F;pmc&#x2F;articles&#x2F;PMC3708004&#x2F;</a> is studying Inuit suicides, but finds that 27.5% of the non-suicidal placebo group stated they were abused as children. goo.gl&#x2F;gX4hFi says that 86% of Canadian Inuit women experience verbal abuse, and 48% experience physical abuse in the first postpartum year. <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.tandfonline.com&#x2F;doi&#x2F;pdf&#x2F;10.3402&#x2F;ijch.v61i2.17443" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.tandfonline.com&#x2F;doi&#x2F;pdf&#x2F;10.3402&#x2F;ijch.v61i2.17443</a> finds that 48% of Inuit in Greenland report having been abused, about three times the Western population they compare this with.<p>(some of these are adult abuse statistics rather than child abuse statistics, but if adult Inuit never get angry or act impulsively, why are they doing all this abusing?)<p>To be fair, the Inuit are a very diverse population, and maybe some bands are unusually lenient parents and others are unusually strict (but the anthropologist in the article studied in northern Canada, the same region as many of the studies I&#x27;m citing). Also, the Inuit have changed a lot recently as they get influenced by European culture (but NPR did their interview with Inuit this year, who talk as if they&#x27;re describing the present).<p>I don&#x27;t want to contradict an anthropologist, but I hope people keep their skepticism glasses on for articles like this one.
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astrostlabout 6 years ago
Totally with them up to the lying thing.
wtdataabout 6 years ago
I was actually very interested on the approach, until I realized that it consisted on fabricating awfully violent stories to scare little children as young as 3 years old into behaving properly through fear.<p>I am pretty sure this approach would be seen by our society as quite damaging to the children mental development.
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otabdeveloper1about 6 years ago
&gt; With little kids, you often think they&#x27;re pushing your buttons, but that&#x27;s not what&#x27;s going on.<p>Maybe it&#x27;s true for Inuit children, but my own kids are certainly not like that. They know all about my buttons and how to push them from early infancy.
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googlemikeabout 6 years ago
Read this as Intuit, the tax software company, scratched my head till I clicked the article. Good laugh!
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mynameishereabout 6 years ago
Okay.<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.theglobeandmail.com&#x2F;news&#x2F;national&#x2F;death-suicide-rates-among-inuit-kids-soar-over-rest-of-canada&#x2F;article4426600&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.theglobeandmail.com&#x2F;news&#x2F;national&#x2F;death-suicide-...</a>
tobiasbischoffabout 6 years ago
td:dr: These Inuits prefer to lie to their kids and tell them questionable fairy storys. I dont know if thats any better..
gabbygababout 6 years ago
It surprises me that so many here are praising or even envying inuit parents and their their child raising habits when suicide rates, depression and substance abuse amongs inuits and their children are so high?<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.cbc.ca&#x2F;news&#x2F;canada&#x2F;north&#x2F;inuit-suicidal-thoughts-statscan-1.3410915" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.cbc.ca&#x2F;news&#x2F;canada&#x2F;north&#x2F;inuit-suicidal-thoughts...</a><p>Maybe NPRs staff should have look at their own article.<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.npr.org&#x2F;sections&#x2F;goatsandsoda&#x2F;2016&#x2F;04&#x2F;21&#x2F;474847921&#x2F;the-arctic-suicides-its-not-the-dark-that-kills-you" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.npr.org&#x2F;sections&#x2F;goatsandsoda&#x2F;2016&#x2F;04&#x2F;21&#x2F;4748479...</a><p>I wish we&#x27;d stop fetishizing cultures and start giving people a more realistic and broad perspective of cultures, even if it doesn&#x27;t align with our agenda. The grass isn&#x27;t always greener on the side.<p>Also, we have been teaching kids to &quot;control their anger&quot; for decades now. I wonder if that has anything to do with the rising suicide rates in the US.
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