For the past several years I've been putting in a lot of time into learning and sharing people skills (without the bullshit).<p>I'm interested in skills from dealing with your own emotions, through communication with close co-workers to high-stakes negotiating.<p>I'm curious: what are some people skills that you wish you had learned earlier in your career or that you wish your co-workers had easier access to?<p>Also: what are your favorite books and/or other resources that helped you?
“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did.<p>Some important ideas<p>- Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with someone, you are almost always choosing not to get along with them ... you know exactly what to do to get along with them and just don’t want to do it.<p>- Conversly, not everyone will like you and that’s ok. You aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. Being ok with that is an important mental tool.<p>- To crib from 12 steps or The Four Agreements, nothing is personal. DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY. Even if someone hates you, it’s not YOU per se. It’s their experience of you. It’s not personal.<p>- It may be fair to say that it’s impossible to win an argument. Getting your way by “winning” an argument seems to come with an unacceptable cost attached most of the time. Try getting good at “yes and” style conversations where you run with the other persons point and build upon it creatively, it tends to make conversations more interesting than debating people. Truly, I find compulsive disagreement to be a boring conversational style.<p>- Take personal appearance seriously, and view it as an ongoing project too. So many people fall in to the trap of thinking they can avoid dealing with signaling, which is silly, you always are signaling so best take a look at what you are sending out there. I think it is very psychologically healthy to care for yourself, the act is good for you, and you can change how you present yourself gracefully as you age, which people screw up all the time and it makes them look older, somehow, instead of younger.
Admitting I'm wrong or that I screwed up, and likewise praising others when they're correct or have ideas I agree with.<p>You would not believe how much smoother everything at work is when you learn to recognize early the signs that you're holding on to a bad opinion, or that you're headed towards a fuckup, and just saying it out loud.<p>The praising / agreeing thing is a bit more complex. I've noticed more recently that people tend to be quick to disagree but remain silent even when they agree with someones opinion.<p>Specifically calling out when you agree with an idea has some marvellous effects. The silent ones who also agree join in, people who disagree join the fray, and a rough consensus can be reached quickly.
I hate to admit it but one of my bosses taught me that building consensus is a double edged sword and it can be used as weapon. Up until working with him I naively assumed we could all get in a room, hash out our technical differences and agree to a solution.<p>That only works when everyone is (from your perspective) not a bad actor. But how do you deal with an Executive Director who will bald-faced lie and say whatever he needs to say to ensure his deadlines are met and your needs are completely ignored?<p>My boss taught me how to pin that ED down and get what I need by documenting everything to exhaustion but also by building consensus <i>around</i> the bad actor so his peers were on board with forcing him to comply. I hope to never find myself in that situation again.
Not everyone responds the same. I <i>hated</i> when people would use fluffy language: "would it be okay if you could do X?" Dammit...just tell me to do X. I know you're not really asking me you're just trying to be nice for something that has to be done.<p>Well... turns out just because I like to hear feedback or orders directly, doesn't mean everyone else does. Part of why your manager treads carefully is because they have to try and create a shared language across your whole team (and <i>really</i> good managers know how to talk to each of their directs because they know exactly what kind of tone is effective for each of them).<p>Not everyone is the same. Understand that everyone likes to be treated well, but the way you do that is different. Empathy is an extremely underrated skill to have.
I learned the hard way to not underestimate how competitive and treacherous some people can be in the workplace. I was a long-term contractor in a large company and had an incident where I confided to another employee about some issues I was having negotiating my pay at contract renewal time. I never mentioned any numbers, just that a manager had previously promised me a pay-raise and was not honouring their word. Within two hours I was called into a senior manager's office to be reprimanded for discussing this matter publicly. In retrospect I can see the warning signs exhibited by this employee that I had ignored, and I now see that I should have kept this to myself, however I worked very closely with this employee and felt that this employee would keep what I had told them in confidence. After this incident I saw many other examples of how duplicitous this particularly employee could be when they felt threatened by the ability of others. Ultimately I was not disciplined, but I learned a valuable lesson in the process.
For anyone wondering why this was an issue in the first place: It's generally a policy to keep pay and pay negotiations confidential. Employers fear the friction that can result if an employee discovers that they're being underpaid.
How to manage expectations.<p>That communication is incredibly important.<p>That the higher up the org chart someone is the busier they are. So what you spend 40 hours a week thinking about they might not spend 45 minutes thinking about. So over-communicate and remind them of important information about the project. Because they will forget lots of important details, and things that are glaringly obvious to you won't even show up on their radar.<p>How to sell.
The Four Agreements[0] is one of the best "user manuals" for how one should live life, both work and personal:<p>-Be impeccable with your word.<p>-Don't take anything personally.<p>-Don't make assumptions.<p>-Always do your best.<p>[0]<a href="https://www.miguelruiz.com/the-four-agreements" rel="nofollow">https://www.miguelruiz.com/the-four-agreements</a>
Not that far into my career, but this one really burned me. Understanding what people's unstated motivations are is really important IMO. I spent a job working tirelessly at something that I valued a lot, but others didn't seem to care too much about. After a bit of time, I realized that most people were looking at the work from how it hurt/benefited them based on a specific (but not widely publicized) bonus structure. People's actions started to make a lot more sense when I looked at them through this lens. I was still able to do the type of work that I valued, but fitting it into other people's frameworks of what is important made a huge difference.
This is going to sound absurdly simple: empathise more often.<p>Everyone can do it, but not everyone does it. If you make an effort to actually imagine yourself in others shoes, your boss and your colleagues, and then feel it... Do this especially whenever any negative emotions or uncertainty appear in response to a colleagues actions or words.<p>I think all of the so called "people skills" are just side effects by comparison. If you empathise, it's genuine, and so called people-skills will emerge naturally. This also goes beyond the mere appearance of people skills, because it will make you better understand the needs behind the demands of others, and make it more likely they take the effort to understand yours when they see you understand theirs (subconsciously).<p>Like I said, as a premise, it's absurdly simple, but in practice it's a big deal.
Don't be an asshole. I can't stress this one enough. I don't care how smart you are, if you are an asshole, your career is not gonna work out.<p>Try really hard not to be negative, even when there is reason to be. Try not to be openly negative about the company or a particular employee. It's poison for you and your teammates and makes you feel worse.<p>Don't get defensive when someone makes suggestions to your code (I still battle this).<p>Don't base your self worth by other people's compliments. They're nice, but the company complements you every time they cut you a check.<p>When someone does compliment you, the best reaction is a simple, "Thanks!"<p>The people you work with are called colleagues, not friends. Sometimes it can hop over, but don't divulge personal information to a colleague that should only be shared amongst friends.<p>Keep your behavior professional, even if the company's culture isn't so much. Also, never get drunk at company parties.
1. “Shooting from the hip” or saying exactly what’s on your mind isn’t always a virtue.<p>1b. Seize every opportunity to give an honest compliment<p>2. Look for a way for everyone to win.<p>3. Build people up and help them succeed.<p>4. Pick your battles, and only engage in conflict when it’s truly important.<p>5. You may get upset, but the character you play doesn’t.<p>6. It only takes a moment to make a good impression but it can take years to overcome a bad impression.<p>Books:<p>- Influence by Caldini<p>- growth mindset<p>- How to win friends and influence people<p>- the war of art<p>- 48 laws of power<p>- 50 rules for aging<p>- the like switch<p>- what every BODY is saying (book on reading body language)<p>- the prince (Machiavelli)<p>- art of war (if you only get one idea from this book, it’s that the great general wins without fighting a single battle)
People are 100X more sensitive to negativity than positivity. So if you feel the need to say something negative, either wait for someone else to say it so you can laugh and agree, or say nothing at all.<p>Likewise, offer your opinion as little as possible unless it's positive or you've been explicitly asked for criticism. And even then describe how the thing could be improved, not how it sucked or how much.
After my PhD in physics, I learned starting a company that I needed such skills and devoted myself to learning them.<p>Now I teach the social and emotional skills underlying leadership, entrepreneurship, and initiative at NYU (student reviews: <a href="http://joshuaspodek.com/this-is-one-of-the-greatest-classes-i-have-ever-taken-it-was-engaging-thought-provoking-challenging-and-fun" rel="nofollow">http://joshuaspodek.com/this-is-one-of-the-greatest-classes-...</a> and videos of them describing the courses: <a href="http://joshuaspodek.com/nyu-students-speak-joshua-spodeks" rel="nofollow">http://joshuaspodek.com/nyu-students-speak-joshua-spodeks</a>).<p>I made book versions of the courses. Amazon makes the first chapters of each available free, which goes into more detail on what I learned and its value:<p>Leadership Step by Step: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Step-Become-Person-Others/dp/0814437931" rel="nofollow">https://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Step-Become-Person-Others/...</a><p>Initiative: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Initiative-Proven-Method-Bring-Passions/dp/1733039902" rel="nofollow">https://www.amazon.com/Initiative-Proven-Method-Bring-Passio...</a>
For everyone here recommending "How to win friends and influence people" (HWIP), I'd like to offer a counter point and recommend "The Art of Loving", by Erich Fromm.<p>The basic idea is that love and affection are not just feelings, but actual skills that need to be learned and cultivated.<p>It also introduces the distinction between being lovable and being loving.<p>HWIP largely teaches how to make yourself lovable, whereas the Art of Loving teaches the theory behind actively loving and embracing other people. I think it's a vital skill to have in any area of life, including business.
1. Remember the person you are talking to does not have the same things in their head, and they are not looking at (or seeing) the same things you are....<p>So no matter how much you disagree with them, from their perspective it makes sense and is ethically correct.<p>2. Most people are in perfect agreement on most things eg. Motherhood and Apple Pie are Good Things.<p>Most conflict arises from differing priorities being assigned to various "Good" things.<p>3. There are precisely two things and ONLY two things you can change in this world.<p>What you do and how you react.<p>No matter how important it is, those are the only two things you can change.
Being nicer to people. Earlier in my career I was too competitive with other people in team's I worked in. Trying to do all the work, exclude others. It was a function of insecurity maybe.<p>I've learned, you need to uphold your teammates, make friends and allies.<p>Lonewolf teams are only ever as productive as one person. Large companies, Intel, Google, want you to act as a multiplier, not an asshole. After all they are paying everybody, not just you. If you are perceived as individually great but rotten in a team, you are simply perceived as rotten in a team.<p>Learn to make your team and everybody in it look good and you will see your greatest successes.
We were born with 2 ears and 1 mouth - listen more than you speak... I found that this drives all other areas of interpersonal interaction: you need to understand where someone else is coming from / what their motivations are before trying to "fix" things or "pitch" them... sometimes people just want to be heard above all else<p>Honestly and simplicity are the best policy. Don't bs, don't overpromise, own up to your failure, and follow-through on the things you say you'll do (and it will be easy to do this if you are honest about what you can / can't do)<p>Favorite book: 7 Habits of Highly Successful People; the title sounds like a business book but it's really about how to be a better person / friend / parent / colleague / etc
An old saying among musicians: "Be careful how you treat people on your way up, because you'll meet them again on your way down."<p>Compliment other people and good ideas.<p>I've become conscious about things like mansplaining and talking over people.<p>Don't let technology get in the way of human interaction.<p>When you do something offensive (it happens, even if rarely), apologize.
For the life of me, one thing I struggle with is pointing out issues that a non-technical person is causing. I think for the most part, engineers and the like are used to having their work critiqued and it's not a big deal to receive that sort of feedback; so being direct is the most efficient and frictionless path.<p>I continuously struggle with how to present that to a non-technical person. Being direct almost always invokes a self-defense response, usually redirecting towards a [legit] inadequacy of the speaker (which is fine, that needs to be received). But for the problem at hand, it is neither helpful nor my intention: I was trying to solve a problem in the best interest of everyone. It seems the response of most technical people in this situation is to just avoid it all together.
Intertemporal decision making is really challenging. Future outcomes are undervalued relative to immediate ones. Further, we look to the future with rose-colored glasses that let us see a possible, yet unlikely future that we half-heartedly commit to today, without considering the reality that circumstances and motivations evolve over time and will influence future events from ever happening.<p>See the book,"The Economics of Self-Destructive Choices":
<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Economics-Self-Destructive-Advances-Japanese-Business/dp/443155792X" rel="nofollow">https://www.amazon.com/Economics-Self-Destructive-Advances-J...</a><p>Research keywords: "intertemporal discounting"
Accepting people as they are. I haven’t found anything more powerful when it comes to interacting with people. I worked my way through personality types, influence, negotiations and a bunch of other so called soft skills.<p>Wholehearted acceptance of people; their motivations and fears; their habits and aspirations. When I am able to exercise this superpower (which does not happen often), I am able to open them up and change their trajectory. And in process, I myself learn and grow.
Minimize the amount of comflict at work by not holding grudges. You won't get a long with every one but that does not mean you have to add to the conflict by constantly bickering with the co-workers you don't get along with. Call a truce and focus on work rather than conflict.<p>Also get to know your boss' boss. Make sure they understand your value to the company. Don't be afraid of them.<p>Lastly we all fall into groups and many times it's a battle between dept a and dept b which is useless. Get to know people outside the group you identify with.
No one is thinking about you as much as you are. At the end of the day, people are reacting to their own feelings, values, and ideas as much or more as they are to anything you said. Taking yourself out of the debate - no matter how personal it feels - is always a good first step.
The hardest lesson for me is that, especially at large companies, things don't happen for good reasons. Meaning if you are used to the world making sense, you're in trouble. One example that jumps to mind is the flak I took for deciding to change my team from subversion to git. It sounds crazy even typing that!
I wish I had learned to call out frauds early on. There are those occasional few developers in the corporate world that are hired but can not write any code. They spend most of the day being social and generally delightful but contribute nothing to the work. They are frustrating in meetings when they inject uninformed opinions in order to justify their existence, to themselves mostly, as thought leaders.<p>I also wished I had learned to be assertive to sensitive people. In the military world honesty is king. If you hold on to sensitivity in conflict to honesty you absolutely will not advance. In the corporate world kindness is far more important, even if that means lying to people. This is sometimes understandable in purely social contexts, but not in product or engineering discussions. Bad ideas are bad ideas. I wish I learned to take the kid gloves off and simply be more honest about really bad decisions in the corporate world instead of being tacit or accepting. It’s hard when you really want to be a team player but some people’s number one priority is face-saving behavior and find disagreements grotesquely disgusting.
Maybe not skills, but habits:<p>- Give glowing, public praise to the work and behavior I want to see more of, rather than complain about what I want to see less.<p>- Perform the necessary rituals with a smile, and not reveal any worry about their lack of purpose / fitness for purpose.<p>- Use videoconferencing only for presentations, never for substantial interactive discussion. (Travel, make the decision locally, or write documents).<p>- Be away from my desk when I cannot tolerate interruption, rather than risk a curt or dismissive response to a tap on the shoulder.<p>- Do not mention small problems to people who overreact (but do mention big problems when you need airstrikes).
- How to understand people and present ideas and opinions to them in a manner that they will respond to positively. Or judge how they will respond to an idea and make an informed decision about whether to present it based on your judgement of both the person and situation.<p>- Understanding that emotions drive people often much more than logic. And that many people already know this and temper their communication based on the emotions it will provoke. And that participants in a conversation can know this about others and infer more than what is said by them.<p>The first time I was able to read into a conversation between a few others and see that their (apparently irrational) discussion was really a different form of communication built on top of theory of mind was mindblowing for me.<p>- The corollary of the above is learning how to use a sense of people / theory of mind to more effectively disagree. Either focusing on not creating a barrier when disagreeing. Or focusing on effectively convincing the other party based on pathos in addition to logos.<p>I found the following most helpful while learning this:<p>1. Podcast: Career Tools / Manager Tools.<p>2. Book: "Secrets to Winning at Office Politics: How to Achieve Your Goals and Increase Your Influence at Work"
- Note, she quickly redefines 'winning' as 'benefiting both yourself and the organization'. I thought it sounded slimy at first before I read that.
I was homeschooled from grades K-12 (for those outside the U.S. essentially from age 5 to 18) which in and of itself leads to poorly developed social skills.<p>But I also have ADD. One of the symptoms of ADD is poor impulse control and rejection sensitivity which leads to issues with "emotional intelligence." So I would advise anyone, if you suspect you may have adult ADD, talk to a physciatrist and figure it out. Fixing underlying mental health problems will improve your professional and personal life!
Never never never ask someone at work when she's due unless she mentions it first, I don't care if she looks like she's about to deliver a basketball.
There's lots of freedom and flexibility in things that are okay:<p>- Being trustworthy and getting along with workmates is sometimes more valuable than being a favorite / teacher's pet to a manager. You ideally want to be amicable with both.<p>- Say nice things about your colleagues when they accomplish things<p>- It's okay during interviews to ask for time to show and tell projects, talk about your experiences. There's no rule written in stone to follow their format to the point you can't showcase strengths directly related to the job description.<p>Things that you can do that don't help you always:<p>- Being proactive: Taking responsibility for preventative things when not asked to. I fixed / averted many headaches that have gone totally unacknowledged over the past decade+. Here's the thing: I'd feel dishonest / unprofessional to <i>not</i> be proactive if something is breaking CI loops, typings, etc. It's hard for colleagues / managers to see the value until you wait for it to be a blocker.<p>This is frustrating to me, because I haven't found the solution to reasoning about it. I don't like the idea of waiting for a problem to rear it's head and all developers are blocked by a problem.<p>Things to not do:<p>- Don't bring up <i>any</i> political discussion with colleagues, <i>including outside work</i>. No matter how moderate, harmless you think your viewpoint is. It can only do damage to you, never help.<p>- Even in unfair situations, e.g. it's untenable and you need to end the relationship, to take the route to ending it amicably as possible. Say you're moving to the next place.<p>Whenever in doubt / under stress: default to being professional as possible.
- get to know your bosses boss, and develop relationships. Your boss might eventually hit his limits, or might get in the way, but one way to resolve is having that connection.<p>- if your bosses boss doesnt understand/know of how to resolve a conflict that is making a fleet of people unhappy, and they are backing the person causing the conflict (in my case, a person that takes credit for everything everyone did by frontrunning their work to them), just leave. Dont wait too long, it doesnt get better.<p>- your career is important, and make it align with your boss'. If you do, he'll back you up. If he feels threatened, he will wear you down. If your boss is not a competent person, this is the only way to survival in such an org.<p>- you cant usually change people, the ones that are willing to admit their mistakes and want to improve wilk usually be very obvious. Lean on them, learn from them. Run away from the ones that wont ever change.<p>- things usually dont get better, be careful, learn to move on.
Being skilled or competent at something doesn't necessarily make you popular. One of the most important lessons I believe.<p>Aside from picking my battles, I am just myself. Never read a book about it and I am pretty skeptical about them in general. We have several psychologists, mostly training sales people, but I wouldn't say most of them are very proficient in being "people persons", only for people that fail to notice a lack of authenticity. That is a self reported assessment by themselves.<p>We connect some arbitrary skills for being in a leadership position. In an American culture a leader has to be confident and that fact is pretty much treated as a dogma. But how can you have respect for anyone that dances like a monkey may be a question that comes up in other cultures.<p>It seems to be often just about your character traits being fashionable. Many people can read a person after a while, so disguising your character won't always help you anyway.
1.) Assert yourself more against peers. A lot of advice around is a lot about how to be pleasant (listen, admit mistake, cooperate).<p>There is very little advice on what to do when you have not done mistake but someone is still trying to convince you or others so. Or when difference of opinion is casted as your mistake. How to recognize that situation.<p>2.) How to recognize when people bluff and pretend knowledge they don't have.<p>3.) How to promote yourself without becoming asshole. Again, I read all that be humble advice and it fired back.<p>4.) All in all, I would like to have more realistic advice about communication and not the overly naive "be humble, nice and admit mistakes and everything will be rosy".<p>5.) Right now, I would like to know how to deal with manipulative sociapath/narcissist.
Learning to effectively communicate with others is the single most important skill you can learn. It will help you improve your relationships with others, clearly communicate your own ideas, and address areas for improvement in ideas and others in a way that is constructive. There's been quite a few great books on this thread already. Here's some I haven't seen.<p>* The Ultimate Sales Machine - Chet Holmes - good even if you're not in sales<p>* The Effective Executive - Peter Drucker - Great book overall<p>* The Phoenix Project - good for understanding project flows and silos.<p>* Thinking in Systems - good for how to set up processes so that even if you step away the job still gets done. Essential for getting promoted, no one can promote you if you're impossible to replace.
That it is very important to communicate the strength of an opinion, and moreso the higher up in an organization you go.<p>If you say everything like a Gospel truth, even when you're just brainstorming, the two end-states I've found are constant argument or constant acquiescence, and neither one is healthy for collaboration.<p>Conversely, if you always hedge your opinions, even ones that are against your moral code, you may end up unhappy, doing some unsavory stuff, etc.<p>A book that goes through this in detail is "Opening Doors To Teamwork and Collaboration". They have a very jargon-heavy approach to it ("notion", "stake", "boulder", "tombstone"), which I don't agree with, but the concept is important.
I wish I learned to apologise earlier.
It is the right thing to do in most situations.
It effectively defuses disagreements and arguments, it shows that you are no longer an immature and obstinate teen.<p>You always come out ahead when you apologise.
To be myself in public. I still haven't learned.
I had an uncle who was like that.<p>He didn't give a shit what anyone thought, he was such fun to be around even if it embarrassed the hell out of you sometimes.
Spoken English, it's not my first language and communication is a struggle. This wasn't much of a hindrance on my career as I've mostly worked within my country and can read technical English just fine, but now that I'm working remotely for a foreign company I'm kicking myself for not having paid more attention to it earlier in my life. I'm a disaster at conference calls.<p>Lately I've been extracting audio from YouTube videos and shadowing, this helps. Spoken fluency is mostly muscle memory, I think.
Showing up on time.<p>I spent way too much of my early career being that prima donna asshole who would show up when they felt like it.<p>I'm a bit older/wiser now, I apologize to anybody who had to work with younger me.
Embrace being proven wrong. It's the foundation of the scientific method, but very difficult to do in reality.<p>I now genuinely love being proven wrong. Smarter everyday and all that :-)
Technical: I wish I learned Perl and Python earlier. Scripting is powerful.<p>Non-Technical: Learning to speak the Will-to-Power language of executives; coded Power-Talk and all that. Once you start getting to the Senior Manager / Director / VP level whole battles are won and lost based on being able to play their games. I got burned a couple of times before I caught on, and lament not picking it up sooner.
These are the books and resources that have been of the most use to me:<p># Assertiveness:<p>Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. (1995). Your Perfect Right. San Luis Obispo, California: Impact Publishers.<p>Paterson, R. J. (2000). The assertiveness workbook: How to express your ideas and stand up for yourself at work and in relationships. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.<p># Anger Management:<p>McKay, M. & Rogers, R. (2000). The Anger Control Workbook: Simple, innovative techniques for managing anger and developing healthier ways of relating. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.<p># Social & Emotional Intelligence:<p>Bilsker, D., Gilbert, M., & Samra, J. (2009). Antidepressant Skills at Work: Dealing with mood problems in the workplace. Retrieved from <a href="http://www.comh.ca/antidepressant-skills/work/workbook/pages/worksheets-01.cfm" rel="nofollow">http://www.comh.ca/antidepressant-skills/work/workbook/pages...</a>.<p>McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The Communication Skills Book. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.<p># Some High Level Take Home Messages<p>- negotiate your own behavior<p>- everyone is doing the best they can<p>- communication is goal oriented<p>- humans make more sense when we understand the hidden variables<p>- it's possible to use social skills and to be authentic<p>I built <a href="https://socialarts.club" rel="nofollow">https://socialarts.club</a> as a side-project for my own use; it might someday be useful to others once I have added privacy measures.
If there were any I would list - and I learned these early on (long before I even started my career) - it would be these (and they apply in general, not just the workplace):<p>1. Taking responsibility for one's mistakes.<p>2. Knowing how to actually apologize for a mistake, and when to do so.<p>3. Actually learning and improving from those mistakes.<p>The ability to say "That was my fault, I apologize for it, and I will correct it and make sure it doesn't happen again" is something that is seemingly lost on a lot of people.<p>Instead, most will tend to deny responsibility, deflect blame, put it on someone else, argue that other's do the same thing so why can't they, and more.<p>It's a child's strategy, and is very transparent to the adults in the room. It is also maddening to see people, especially those in positions of power who should set a better example, get away with it on a daily, if not hourly basis.
I would recommend watching GroundHog day with Bill Murray. The key takeaway from this film I think, was be the brightest light in the room, be your most attractive self, and everything/everyone else will sort itself out.
"The truth will set you free"
Despite the cliche, I found the quicker you admit you've made a mistake, the quicker someone with more knowledge can jump in and resolve the problem before it gets worse.
I’ve really enjoyed using <a href="https://www.createcapsule.com/" rel="nofollow">https://www.createcapsule.com/</a> for this. Has been helpful with everything from practicing better CBT, to relationship communication in both personal and professional settings.<p>They do an amazing job of condensing down a lot of material into very succinct and digestible lessons (aka missions). Everything is also referenced so if you want to deep dive into a specific topic you can.<p>The whole course is short enough to finish in an afternoon, or can also be broken down in 20 minute slots.
I wish I had acknowledged the fact that I suffer from severe anxiety disorder instead of believing that everybody else was wrong.<p>For most of my work life (20+ years) I suffered from severe anxiety that led to fits of anger, resentment, self pity.<p>After facing enough consequences (being fired, quitting in anger) I finally looked at myself hard in the proverbial mirror and asked for help and went to therapy.<p>My favorite books are from Jocko Willink:
- Extreme Ownership
- The dichotomy of leadership
- Discipline Equals Freedom<p>Mainly leadership books that I use to be better at leading myself.
Three things...<p>1) The purpose of talking to people is not to figure out the right answer. The purpose is to figure out the next thing we can all agree is a decent idea.<p>2) Almost no one has bad motivations. When I think someone is trying to be a jerk, I now realize that I am probably misunderstanding a person who doesn't know how to be nice in a way that works for me. Probably, the person thinks he or she is doing the best they can.<p>3) Everyone is fighting battles, internal and external, that I cannot see. It is always right to be generous and sympathetic.
How to deal with a-holes. Even better, how to make higher ups realise who the a-holes are and deal accordingly (which might not happen for a couple of reasons)
Mindfulness / awareness meditation.<p>Seriously, if there's one thing I could tell my 18 year old self, it would be to learn to meditate and trust in the process. I tried very unsuccessfully to start a few times (guided meditation really isn't my jam), but quickly formed a habit once I found what works for me. It has been seriously life changing and has improved my relationship with myself and others at work and at home.
The two things I've been working on most, recently:<p>Giving credit where due, particular to more junior colleagues when they have made a good contribution to a team effort.<p>Speaking in a more straightforward way - I'm English, and it's common for us to speak indirectly and suggest stuff, rather than say it outright, but I'm working in a mostly non-native English environment, and it has lead to issues once or twice.
Everybody in life will have their own goals, own dreams, things that they want to do, the way they want to do. You cannot define it for someone else. What you can instead do is help them with their goals, the way they want to get help. The best kind of things are organic, you can push someone to do better, but only if you know that they need the push. Not if they are okay wherever they are.
Dang, what a mess this thread. Anyway, the first one is to never speak of what one does not know. I always get into trouble when I open my fat stupid mouth.<p>So always think twice before speaking, and if so, speak wisely.<p>The other one, tho related, is to never lose your temper. Never ever. This can get you in so much trouble that it is basically suicidal.<p>The satisfaction of a little rage is never worth the cost.
Repeated Prisoner's Dilemma problem and the Evolution of Trust - see Managing Your Manager by Ken Kousen. Essentially, Ken uses game theory to illustrate what behavior prevails in various situations and surveys various ways to deal with different personal. Also, the Game of Trust, as reviewed by Ken in his trainings.<p>Also, Robert Greene's The Laws of Human Nature.
Some people use anger as a way to manipulate others and get what they want. This means that if you're never annoying _anybody_ you're probably a chump.<p>(Now, if it's more than a rare occurrence that's a problem, but sometimes, some people will be angry at you. And that's OK).
How to listen to people: Realizing that there is something all people need, and that is to be heard. You can use the skill of listening to people to have an advantage in any situation.<p>I think I learned this best in workshops on effective communication, where we could role play.
Virtually everybody consider what they are familiar with to be normal or standard (often based on the country where they got their education). That was a big lesson to learn for me. Being in an international working environment makes you extra aware of that.
I wish I had internalized this truth:<p>"Each person you are talking to or walking by is as important to themselves as you are to yourself. Everyone is the hero of their own story."<p>It is easy to get intellectually, but to really internalize this leads to empathy and understanding.
understanding people group dinamics from a social psychology perspective has been eye-opener for me. Rekommended reading - social identity theory and then a book: Social Groups in action and interaction. 2nd ed. Charles Strangor.
I was always "overly social", wanted people to be happy, worried about what others think. As it turns out, knowing what you want, having a vision for yourself and sticking to it and being able to respectfully say "No." actually makes you an even more pleasant person to be around. More predictable, dependable and interesting. It will cost me some Karma but for me the first step in this change was reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I don't agree with everything but her vision on rational self interest stuck with me and made me feel like a more balanced person. I still have my struggles though. I recently experienced a lot of stress negotiating 2 job options. But a coach (provided by the company I worked for, very nice) helped me see the benefits of clearly and respectfully communicating my own interests in that situation. You are the only one in such situations who has his own interests as a top priority, don't think for others, especially not in a business setting.
Ability to listen when people talk and pick the best ones. Then apply the best ones slowly and permanently so that it becomes a habit. Make sure the tip is positive and constructive.
I wish I had learned to disagree politely, convincingly, and respectfully. The trick is listening and really understanding the "opposite" view<p>How to Win Friends and Influence People
I wish I had learned better how to listen and observe without my own insecurity getting in the way. Also being able to ask for something without apologizing or justifying.
Don't be afraid to acknowledge what you don't know. Feel free to point it out and that anything you may be speaking to is an educated guess and estimation only.
The ideas in Getting More, by Stuart Diamond.<p>And many others...in particular books written in foreign languages, which I cannot share here due to linguistic barriers.
Just care less.<p>Don't worry too much about doing the perfect thing or building your product the right way. Whatever organization has hired you and your peers is by definition less knowledgeable, critical, and aesthetically sensitive than you are. Their goal isn't the "A-to-B" thing that you might think it is, because they don't really know what "B" is. Their goal is more like: hire some people, keep them happy, do some things that have a chance of bringing in money, and hopefully keep the lights on long enough to hire more people and take more chances at bringing in money.<p>However valuable "B" might seem, it's still finite. Comparatively speaking, culture and morale are infinitely valuable because they can get to so many other places than just "B." Whatever shortcomings you perceive in your implementation of "B" are at the end of the day are shortcomings of your team, and if there was a shortcut to get a perfect result out of imperfect people then capitalism as we know it would have already collapsed into something else. The only way to improve "B" (or "C" or "7" or "^" or whatever you do next) is to improve the team that's already there.<p>So relax. Have fun with the people you're stuck with. Try to do things better, sure, but don't blow out the engine trying to win the day's race.<p>Read Finite and Infinite Games by James P. Carse.
Some important things to remember when dealing with humans:<p>- If people under you on the org chart are being friendly with you, laughing at your jokes, etc., it is partly due to their desire to get ahead in their careers.<p>- Every person is the hero of his/her own personal struggle. This self perception explains a lot of human behavior.<p>- If you are managing people and you don't think you can fire someone because your own boss would not be supportive, then you will never succeed as a manager in that company. Find a new boss.<p>- The more a startup becomes successful, the more it will attract Slytherins and the more hostile it will be to Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs. This is not a value judgement about the different houses, just an important reality to keep in mind.<p>- When hiring, the "weekend test" works very well. Would you want to spend a weekend in the office working alongside this person?<p>- Be upfront with people about their own personal goals and time horizons. Collaboration can exist when everyone's incentives line up, but that doesn't entail that everyone's incentives will always line up. Being honest about this will make people feel respected.<p>Trust your gut feelings about people, they are usually right.<p>Figure out what kind of work culture you want to work in, and do your best to make your job match this culture, or find a new job that is a better match.<p>Invest in your friendships, and develop habits and hobbies that let you continue to make new friends even once you start to settle down a bit.<p>Read books like "How to negotiate anything" and "Impro" to better understand the way interpersonal dynamics influence negotiations and the perception of a person's behavior.<p>If you are a thinker, spend time cultivating the ability to listen to your own feelings and to use your emotions and hunches as valuable input into your more rational decision processes.<p>Realize that your mind and body are one and that you will be more complete if you treat your body well (food, exercise, sleep).<p>Leadership is a force, not a title. Regardless of the situation or who is officially in charge, bring leadership to the world wherever you go. This does not mean bossing people around, it can mean many things depending on the context.<p>edit: not sure why this got downvoted, maybe something I said struck a nerve. I'd be curious to find out what it was rather than just have this downvoted.
Admit mistakes, and acknowledge if someone is right(even if you hate that person, or he or she is below you in the ladder)<p>Don't yell and judge the fuckups, unless someone does the same mistake over and over again. The only one kind of person does no mistakes - the one who dosen't do anything.<p>Try to help people around you, sharing knowledge etc. It makes everything go smoother.<p>Tl;Dr
Be professional, keep calm, and leave your prejudices at home.<p>Work shouldn't affect(nor care) about your private time, and vice versa.
Protect yourself from<p><pre><code> Machiavellianism(manipulate/deceive others)
Psychopathy(lack of remorse/empathy)
Sadism(pleasure in suffering of others)
Narcissism(egotism/self-obsession)</code></pre>
Assertiveness. Seriously, you can be the best programmer in the world, humble, caring and even able to understand other people needs but if you're not assertive you gonna get screwed BIG time, especially if you are good