I quit my job around six months ago to start my own thing. Thought through a lot of possible distractions, technical/financial blocks, how much runway I had, etc. What wasn't anticipated was meeting someone and falling head over heels. Well, it's a few months later, and I feel a bit like waking up from a dream, but the project seems to be on the right track again, slowly building momentum. But I wonder if I could have done things differently, taken on a different attitude, basically done more in the past few months instead of behaving like a smitten puppy with all the time in the world.<p>The amount of focus and effort required in building a startup is incredible, but molecular chemistry is a tough adversary that doesn't fight fair. I'm curious how others have dealt with similar situations. Really love to read some war stories. Anyone?
I was at dinner with a young lady who is now my girlfriend a few months ago, and she asked me my plans for the next morning (Saturday). I told her that I was going to be programming (it was during the last week or two prior to AR's launch).<p>She said: Of course, after all you are a businessman. The job comes first.<p>I said: No. Not first. Not second, either, unless first is "all the things I love in life."<p>I had a really really awful no-good bad day today, buisnesswise. It was easily my worst ever on that score. But you know, in the greater scheme of things, if the code fails and the disk dies and my database goes to meet the great truncate in the sky, it will be very stressful for a few weeks, but I'll still have my family, my friends, my girlfriend, my faith, my health, etc.<p>We've got a lot of pressure and responsibility running companies, but at the end of thhe day, it is a job. You don't live to work, you work to live.
A good relationship will help you through the stress of a startup.<p>A bad one will make it much, much worse.<p>Either way, it's out of your control. If you're in love, you're in love. Make the most of it.
This is not so much a possibility as an inevitability. Chances are you will fall in love and it will disrupt your life whether you're starting up or doing something else entirely. If you're fortunate, you're new significant other will be a disruptive, yet motivating force. Moving you towards new heights that you had not imagined. But, it's more likely to be a struggle to balance your life's goals with your desire for this new person. Ultimately, you're startup hopes might be replaced by new goals: a family and all that entails.<p>These things are not mutually exclusive. If you take an all or nothing view, you're being naive. You can have some percentage of a solid relationship and career (whether a startup or something else).<p>Life is messy. You'll have to decide if your relationship allows you enough time to meet your personal goals and if that even matters. Only you can make this determination.<p>As for me, I've been with my wife for over 10 years (most of it dating), and... honestly? I think this relationship has had an adverse effect on my goals. I, kind of, think I'd be much more rich and successful had I never met my wife. On the other hand, when she's gone for a weekend, I always think, "I'll get so much done when she's gone"... but, I often end up mired in the "blahs" until she returns. And, honestly...<p>I think I've slowed down a lot as I've gotten older. I think back on things I accomplished in 3 week coding marathons when I was in college and, while I think I'm a better programmer now... well, I don't repeat those accomplishments. I get more done in less time, but I'm not able to sustain a marathon for multiple weeks. You may be different, or that might be part of getting older.<p>Ultimately, I've been moderately successful (my business represents the bulk of our income), but not wildly successful. I've come to think less is more... and, I'm happy with that. I doubt I'd be happier single with a larger business and more money.<p>But that's me...
As a woman who sees these young entrepreneurs in their twenties who routinely put work before relationships, I am sometimes dismayed. I've wondered more than once if their growth as men is being stunted. I suspect the stories of sacrificing love on the altar of your startup and the pain involved in doing so are just the stories you <i>don't</i> hear.<p>New love and startups have about the same failure rate. No?
I am fairly young - 27, been married about 5 years, have two kids (both under 3) and am madly in love with my wife.<p>She doesn't work, and building my startup full-time is VERY stressful - especially since I am bootstrapping, more or less.<p>As al3x pointed out though, a good mate can really make it MUCH better. I am blessed to have a wife that is understanding and doesn't NEED to go shopping and is high maintenance. Of course, every girl likes to be pampered - but she is very laid back and supportive of what I am doing.<p>That makes the tough days when everybody else is suggesting that maybe I should 'get a real job' much easier to handle and brush off.<p>I actually think it is easier to do a startup with an understanding wife, because it adds balance and sanity to your life.<p>But if you get a bad match...yikes...run!
A muse helps so much.<p>I know I am supposed to be naturally deeply passionate about every single thing in my life all the time -- that is apparently now standard for educated people, nobody ever feels blasé about anything; feeling blasé is for poor people and stupid people -- but (gasp, horror of horrors) passion is sometimes hard to come by for me. Loving someone gives everything a special glow. Loving someone makes my accomplishments meaningful. Loving someone gives me a reason to rewrite something that was good enough the first time. Loving someone gives me a reason to stay late doing something that will make an impact but won't translate into pay or advancement.<p>A muse brings everything into sharp relief and makes everything feel more vital and dramatic. It doesn't have anything to do with sex -- a muse can have this effect even if you can't have her, and sleeping with girls you aren't so excited about has the opposite effect, flattening everything out so that accomplishment and slacking off feel exactly the same.<p>It may even work better in the short run when your muse is inaccessible. In that case you have freedom to manage your side of the "relationship" without worrying about the consequences for her. A muse who loves you back has staying power, though.
Sorry; I can't tell if you're just back down to earth and you're in a steady relationship now or if it's over. In case it's the former, here's my two cents. This comes from a place a little further down the road, and therefore it is a little OT, but I'll mention it because I wish I would have heard the same.<p>You might find that your professional success--perhaps your emotional investment in your business--gives rise to turmoil in your relationship. Many of us strive to get big, go public, get acquired, acquire others, merge, etc. These events are typically wins, but the downsides are loss of control, loss of interest, and perhaps even a bit of depression as a result.<p>I hope you're successful. If you feel a little off in the course of things, don't let it poison your relationship. Recognize it, act on it, but don't <i>react</i>.
I'm reminded of the best personal advice ever given by a Physiscist:<p><i>"Dear Mrs. Chown, Ignore your son's attempts to teach you physics. Physics isn't the most important thing. Love is. Best wishes, Richard Feynman."</i>
As long as the feelings are mutual and are able to grow beyond the initial smitten stage then nothing wrong with falling head over heels in love.<p>I've done it, and come through the other side with the love of my life. ^_^
The time you've invested in building the relationship will come back as support in the form of a partner telling you to keep pushing even though everyone else thinks you're crazy. No matter how much discipline and confidence you have, it's always great to have the person you love tell you they believe in you.
You have your whole life for startups. Indulgence in love is mostly limited to your 20s. I would suggest enjoy the chemistry till it lasts - startups can wait. The chemistry will bring you more happiness then any amount of big company building would.<p>Destinations are always pointless, its always the journey. Think of this as a detour from your startup life. In the longer run, detours will give you valuable perspective and make your journeys more meaningful.
Happened to me too, girl wasn't worth the time though. Dev is now at full pace...my personal belief is that no love life is a better startup life. Others have pulled it off though!
My experience is a real relationship seems to constrict me. A girl I love and think about all the time, but never know her name... that will make me a deity in production and development.
I had to check to make sure I didn't sleepwalk and submit this because almost the exact same thing happens to me. I quitted my job 8 months ago to travel and work on my ideas. 2 months in, I fall in love with my current girlfriend. After a few months of long distance relationship as I traveled around the world, we now live together in the most romantic city in the world, Paris.<p>During the day when she goes to school, I work on my project. At times when I can't stand the loneliness, I get out and just hop on a random metro to read or observe people. At night, we cook, talk, and watch movies together. I'm having the best time of my life even though the future is a little scary to think about. I hope you enjoy yours as well, best of luck to your startup.
Personally falling in love motivates me to do stuff more than anything else. Even if it didn't, I would still want to fall in love more than work on a startup. Why work on a startup now, so that you can fall in love and be happy later?
Working hard and long hours is a part of my life–so if a partner doesn't mesh with that they don't mesh with me. I luckily tend to only be attracted to similarly driven people, so it usually works out for me. The few times I've strayed personality types there have been problems.<p>All and all, I do consider the force that makes me obsessed with a project to the point I can't get up for hours on end the same one as the one that makes me neglect the project a week later to experience a wonderful new and intense experience and I'm grateful for it. I'm lucky that I have the freedom to wander wherever my passion is at the moment.
I love startups and the thrill of success. But there is nothing that a successful startup can bring you that is anywhere near the feeling of having the love of your life tell you that she loves you back.
I think you have all the advice you need here. Life is messy, it's not always the dream you watched in movies growing up. There is a reason musicians and poets alike have written so much about it. People talk on HN about start-ups being life, as with anything in life that gives you great reward there is a great risk. Love is no different. For you to find happiness you need to enjoy the risk of both. How you do this and manage these different aspects of your life depends on how you tell your stories.
I can't speak from personal experience, but in this interview Max Levchin mentions how his girlfriend was key in pushing him forward and giving him the strength to not quit during the days before Paypal - <a href="http://gigaom.com/2010/11/08/in-his-own-words-the-story-of-max-levchin-video/" rel="nofollow">http://gigaom.com/2010/11/08/in-his-own-words-the-story-of-m...</a>
I think Shakespeare puts it best...<p>'poor and content is rich, and rich enough'<p>If we base our self esteem and judge our success by the work we do, then we'll always be found wanting. The ultimate goal of life is happiness in ourselves or others (which in turn often brings us happiness). While a successful start up may bring us satisfaction/money, it is ultimately only a cornerstone in our lives.
If you are, indeed, in mutual love, then you should be very thankful.<p>I personally can be more focused while I'm working when I am in a relationship, so I would see it as a benefit. When I'm not in a relationship, there often seems to be this extra "to-do" item that is never done :)<p>Some people, they fall in love, and that becomes the thing that guides their decisions in their life.<p>Other people don't - they love their work so much that they put it before anything else. Or, they just don't meet someone, and instead put their energy toward their work.<p>But it's still possible to use that support as fuel to motivate you. It's just a matter of prioritizing, and making sure you don't neglect either of these important elements in your life.
Support structure, focus and continued encouragement is all I get. In small, daily and consistent doses. I'm diving in full time in March, and can't see myself doing it without the other.
<i>>molecular chemistry is a tough adversary</i><p>I hope you're sure the other party doesn't see this. Can't imagine that would go down too well.<p><i>That's all I am to you? Amino acid chains?</i><p>If obsession with love can be reduced to chemistry, then obsession with business must necessarily be understood similarly, and with a similar inward scepticism.<p>But yeah. However much you enjoy your work, it's not going to benefit it long term to let it give you tunnel vision. However fulfilling it is, you cannot live a one dimensional life and still be happy forever.
> But I wonder if I could have done things differently,<p>Well, sure. Should you have? I doubt it.<p>You'll be able to hack and do startups the rest of your life. Most likely you'll only have a few chances to fall in love. I recommend making the most of them. (This goes double if you want to get married and have a family.)
Its all about getting the right balance and progressing in all areas of your life, not just one. Think about your ideal situation and work towards that. It's often helpful to think about your priorities using a four quadrant model - Self, Work/Money, Family, Community.
Wish i could find it, but there's an HN'er who bootstrapped a business and during the same timeframe met someone and got married, and wrote a nice blog post about it recently. He seemed to pull it off just fine.
In my experience, money is much easier to find than limerence. Also, limerence is generally relatively short-lived. For the sake of living life, I recommend to young people that they take a 'gap year' of sorts, and that they pursue limerence or 'love'.