This is the first popular publication article I've seen that has given the very important cognitive overload aspect of nagging--and especially multi-pronged nagging litany, which seems to be the most common kind--the treatment it deserves:<p><pre><code> But when it comes to nagging reminders about what your
spouse still has to do after a long day working for the
man—take out the recycling, walk the dog, write a
thank-you letter, defrost the chicken, fix the
stereo—keep a lid on it. Economists talk about
“information processing costs,” or the costs incurred
from processing, absorbing and filtering information.
When information processing costs get too high, we
tend to become paralyzed.</code></pre>
I would group it all into one tip:<p><i>Make an effort with your relationship.</i><p>Like everything good in life it takes work to have a good relationship. If you make an effort to have a good relationship, applying thought and energy day to day, you will grow a healthy satisfying relationship.
I think American women forget that marriage is a team sport not a struggle for feudal dominance of one partner over the other. It seems with American women there is always a very precise accounting of slights, perceived or otherwise, that are used to demand payment in humiliation or suffering of the other. It's like they're on the "Women team", always thinking to themselves what the "Women team leaders" will think of them in every situation in their struggle against the multiple centuries of male patriarchy-- instead of being on the family team. They destroy relationships to please the contrived abstract ideals they've been indoctrinated to worship and fight against their desires for a relationship based on team work and mutual shared goals.
Working link:<p><a href="http://blogs.wsj.com/ideas-market/2011/02/14/the-secret-to-a-happy-marriage-do-the-dishes-put-out-don%E2%80%99t-talk-so-much/" rel="nofollow">http://blogs.wsj.com/ideas-market/2011/02/14/the-secret-to-a...</a>
Comparative advantage is the name of the game. My parents have been doing that for years, even when my mom ends up with some manly work (tall house + lots of Christmas lights) and my dad ends up with some non-manly work. It works pretty well for them.<p>They even optimized which kid helps them, I worked better with my mom (I was all about getting a <i>list</i> of chores and powering through them when I had time, and so is she), so I ended up working with her for the weekly chores. Shutting up and getting stuff done really does make one happy.
The comments in that article are bizarre - there's a lot of frothing going on. Particularly from young, unmarried women who seem to have missed the point of the article. It's like they hate the idea of being a housewife so much they want to attack anything that even remotely suggests it.<p>The problem in all this venting is that the advice is given to both sexes - it just discusses using comparative advantage to split up tasks, don't nag each other and slip between the sheets as much as possible. If you realise that the advice could equally apply to a gay couple you can see there actually isn't any gender bias in the article at all.
(warning - ZOMG TEH POTENTIAL SEXISM alert!)<p>This sounds a lot like the advice to women from the Tom Leykis show:
"Stay slim, Long hair, sex anytime, shut up!"
A lot of you are getting caught up in stereotypes. When I read this article I didn't see it as being specifically written for men or women-- shouldn't both parties be doing these things?
Having fun together rather than parsing out your problems is the key to success. Sometimes you have to do the Talk, but if it becomes the norm you're doomed.
You can hardly call that a 'marriage'. Its just another adjustment you would do even with your roommate.<p>I've been married for last 8 years and also have a kid. I feel, the best of marriage is lived when you share everything - talk out every feeling - help each other achieve the small dreams - LIVE together! Every relationship, even a mother-child/friends/brother-sister - they all have conflicts - and most of it because of expectations. Without 'expectations' there cannot exist a relation. The key is to achieve the balance - try to give enough space/freedom to each other so that both gets to do the things they enjoy the most - try to find your happiness in the same, if you can, or at least support it in some way.<p>For household responsibilities, it should be equally and mutually shared. But 'don't talk so much' is definitely not the approach to avoid conflicts. We are not machines; the whole point of 'living' is to 'share'; and Humans Do Need to Share. What else do you need to marry for? Better stay bachelor, if you don't think you can shoulder the responsibility to 'share' and handle 'expectations'.
I posted a link to the book the WSJ article is based on earlier today: <a href="http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2218045" rel="nofollow">http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2218045</a>
I've been following the author's blog at <a href="http://www.spousonomics.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.spousonomics.com/</a> - some fluff, but in general it's pretty good.
Another perpetually useful perspective is the 2006 NY Times article on using animal training techniques to manage intramarital conflict:<p><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all" rel="nofollow">http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?_r=1&#...</a>
My wife's take:
<i>"huh! Didn't care much for the article coz though she makes some good points, I felt like it's putting it all on the woman!! Even if she says "spouse" several times, it's like she's saying spouse, but meaning wife... I have to agree with her sister about trying to put women back 50 years!! Not surprising you, meaning a guy, would like it though!! ;-D It has everything a husband would want his ideal wife to do!"</i>
"But the real reason [married people gain weight] is moral hazard, or the tendency to take more risks and behave more irresponsibly when there are no consequences."<p>I'd never equated being overweight as behaving irresponsibly. If everyone thought this way, would we all be thinner? If my spouse can't nag me to lose weight (see #1), is there anything she could do to encourage it, or is it all on me?
Comparative advantage does not work in marriages. All hands on is much better. It is the same with family cookouts, spring cleaning, etc. More hands, less work, and there is less cognitive load whether work is being doled out fairly.
Then party like it's 1950.<p>ETA: With the growing number of men who refuse to pick up every check, plan every date/event, act as sole provider for the family, purchase gifts regularly for their other half, etc. for fear of marrying a woman who is too focused on money... I'm really beginning to wonder what women are getting out of this marriage deal anymore.