i'm giving up on pursuing my career, i put in thousands of hours into releasing free software and in my life i have only grown to hate interacting with people, i have never been able to find a proper job and i'm now permanently giving up and doing whatever i want until i'm dead, too bad i have so many great skills
I feel you.<p>I was often told I wouldn't live to see 20, and at some point began internalizing it, and thus living as such. It's unbreakable now. Every hour I work I think of friends who are no longer here, and the last thing I want to think of as I die is 'I should have taken more time for myself'. It seems like absolute madness that we give away so much of our lives when tomorrow is not a given. And if we take the dollar earned per hour worked of life, we learn that those with money and who earn more have lives with more 'value'.<p>Fuck that.<p>Do you, the rat race isn't for all of us, and maybe you will find a path to happiness somewhere out there. Success is not objective, you don't have to hold yourself to a broken society's standards.
A cursory review of your profile suggests you have been having a hard go of things for a while and you genuinely seem to be in a bad spot, and I'm sorry for that.<p>I know that it is kind of taboo to question mental health here but never the less, I'm going to recommend that you see if you can find a professional to talk to. Someone who is trained and can actually help rather than some random person (like me) on the internet.<p>Talking with a professional helped my daughter when she was in a dark place and I hope maybe it could help you as well.
Sorry to hear. Yeah it's crazy out here, for those accomplished and those also still learning the pace of relevance related to appreciation and job entry is chaotic as accelerating factors brings us closer to the singularity. No cultural and structural support for folks is being established really.
Frank Zappa once said: "The crux of the biscuit is: If it entertains you, fine. Enjoy it. If it doesn't, then blow it out your ass. I do it to amuse myself. If I like it, I release it. If somebody else likes it, that's a bonus."<p>If you are good at getting inanimate objects ("computers") to do something useful, and you still enjoy it, then do that. Turn off the comments. Turn off the bug reports. Torvards said, "Real men don't back up. They upload on ftp and let the world mirror it."<p>Dealing with people can be a pain in the ass. So don't.<p>Find other things to do to provide some balance. Cooking. Sailing. Gardening. Nand2tetris. Whatever!<p>My bottom line: the universe is fascinating and awesome. What's it all about? So, I do physics.
I heart your Grassman gradient vector field representations: <a href="https://github.com/chakravala/Grassmann.jl" rel="nofollow">https://github.com/chakravala/Grassmann.jl</a>. They, heh heh, point the way toward representing aspects of physics and math that should be used far more frequently than they are now. They display the quirks that you could never apprehend looking at an equation. Your representations could eviscerate the representations of data base on paper-like metaphors.<p>Sadly our leaders, the John Baez and Scott Aronson and people like that, prefer to think in Euler notation and WordPress posts. As Kurt Vonnegut said: So it goes.<p>The world of representation of difficult concepts using interactive 3D and elegant code is still in its infancy. You are not yet at the ground floor of the construction of a future elegant structure. You - and a few others - are in at the second basement.<p>Fortunately, the only way out is to look up!