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Ask HN: What do you wish you knew / did before having kids?

7 pointsby jascinationalmost 4 years ago
I know it&#x27;s not the most techy&#x2F;hackery question, but I&#x27;ve seen some great adjacent discussions about childrearing here and I&#x27;d really value the HN community&#x27;s opinion.<p>Some dot points:<p>* Partner (34F) and I (33M) have been together 3 years, own a house. Live in Australia so healthcare is sorted<p>* Both on an upward trajectory in our careers. I&#x27;m a programmer&#x2F;consulting CTO, she&#x27;s in the CX, business transformation &amp; org design space. Combined income AU$340k, which is decent for Melbourne<p>* I have some family support (dad is a doctor, mum loves kids) and am from the city we live in. She has no family support, isn&#x27;t from the city we live in &amp; her friendship group here have all bunkered down &amp; had kids.<p>* Have put off having kids because we wanted to make sure our relationship is in a good place, we have enough savings, have a house etc &amp; are ready. Both lived it up in our 20s + feel like very &quot;full&quot; humans. We&#x27;re nervous but excited about the next stage of our lives.<p>Main problems we&#x27;re anticipating:<p>* We&#x27;re both worried her career will suffer. She LOVES working, and she&#x27;s the most passionate and hard worker I&#x27;ve ever met. Gets a lot of value and self-worth from work.<p>* Both worried about her lacking support. Obviously we have my parents, but she won&#x27;t feel super comfortable leaning on them in times of need.<p>* Both feel like we want to have at least 2 kids, so kinda feeling like it&#x27;s not or never, but very well aware of employer discrimination (so many women get made redundant after going on maternity leave)<p>Questions:<p>* What sorts of discussions, negotiations, things-to-figure-out do you wish you did before you had kids?<p>* What are some arrangements you&#x27;ve made that have worked really well for you?<p>* How did you, as a team, manage your&#x2F;your partner&#x27;s career?<p>* What sort of hired help have you used and is it valuable?<p>* Is there anything that makes you think &quot;Hell, if I were doing it all over again I&#x27;d have done ___ while we were childless&quot;

4 comments

dvis003almost 4 years ago
Going through it right now (kid@9mths), my 2 cents: 1. You are sorted money wise, so I would advise you to get paid outside (for baby sitting, house chores) help for your wife<p>2. Be prepared to have whacked up sleep and day schedule, if you are working from home. Kiss goodbye to deep focused sessions, unless pt.1 and you have some sound proof room and a willing partner to split the time with the baby and work in rotations.<p>3. Invest in the sleeping coach to normalise baby sleeping patterns, pays off immensely down the road.<p>4. [Optional] Schedule regular visits to pediatrician or family physician (if it is acceptable practice) to monitor baby development. Not really for the baby, but more for your peace of mind. Each baby development is unique and having a voice of authority saying it&#x27;s ok to have, say baby roll not in 3, but 6 months is relieving.<p>5. Be mentally prepared to get fat (both partners).<p>6. Do not rely on your parents, even though they would want to help, they have their own life&#x2F; commitments and do get tired rather quickly. Also, they have their own ideas on how to raise a child, which is guaranteed to clash with yours, potential source of conflict. Be ready.<p>7. First 3 months, you probably would feel irritated constantly, so plan (if you are a planning guy) in advance the consumables - like diapers, cloths, crib, pram, bath things, lights, white noise and frontload on them in advance, to save the time later. Also, I wish I could tell you to have open and ongoing conversation with your partner in case of conflict. Reality is you would not have time nor right right attitude at that point. So both of you remember, that you have willingly signed up for this so time to sober up and pull through.<p>After ~6mo, things would get easier, it&#x27;s actually a joy to watch kids grow. So hope this helps&amp; good luck!
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rawgabbitalmost 4 years ago
I got married late in life and one of the rude awakenings I learned was the biological clock was very real. We struggled having kids and it was incredibly traumatic for my wife. Long story short. She gave up her career. Struggled financially. We finally got our miracle baby. Being an older parent has its pros and cons. Some say older fathers have a greater risk of passing damaged genes while the mothers’egg is formed at birth? I don’t know. I am not a doctor. Our miracle baby had a medical scare which resulted in us getting an emergency baptism for him before scheduled surgery. In the end we all survived. As an older parent I like to think I am more appreciative of my family.
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jascinationalmost 4 years ago
Ran out of room (and apologies if my formatting is hard to read!) but happy to elaborate on any of the points here as well.<p>One worth mentioning is the career stuff. I&#x27;m far less motivated by work than she is; for me, as a developer, I&#x27;m happy if I&#x27;m working in just about anything full-stack (React Native + some sorta backend), and I prefer working alone. So I could work on just about anything, so long as the pay is good. I also work best in afternoons and evenings (3pm -7pm are my deep work &#x27;sweet spot&#x27; hours), so I already do a lot of housework &#x2F; errands in the morning and during the day. I also enjoy this sorta thing; tidying, making coffees for both of us, doing the washing give me some weird spark of joy that we need to capitalise on! I do earn more money (I currently bill at $1k&#x2F;day) so I&#x27;m in a pretty lucky position.<p>For her, she works amazingly well in a collaborative environment, and a lot of her best work is done through co-design. She gets so much from working in a values-driven company with great people. Because of this she&#x27;s much more tied to 9 - 5 working hours.<p>She&#x27;s highly energetic and throws a lot of herself into her work. I think part of her concern is that motherhood will destroy her body + her mind, and will make it impossible for her to get back into work.<p>Other concerns that we both have is her losing a lot of her identity through having kids. As she puts it: &quot;I&#x27;m worried my body will never be truly mine ever again&quot;. She&#x27;s also concerned about something we both saw a lot of with our parents in the 90s - mothers whose whole identity comes from having kids, who then get divorced and become quite lost. Women over 45 are at fastest growing group at risk of homelessness in Australia [1], I want to ensure her superannuation (retirement savings) is equal to mine at the very least.<p>I know we can&#x27;t plan ahead for much of this, but we would like to find ways to make sure doesn&#x27;t lose everything to childbirth, as well as ways for me to give the best contributions that I can.<p>[1]: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;theconversation.com&#x2F;400-000-women-over-45-are-at-risk-of-homelessness-in-australia-142906" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;theconversation.com&#x2F;400-000-women-over-45-are-at-ris...</a>
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allearsalmost 4 years ago
Have a vasectomy. But seriously, unless you&#x27;re financially stable and willing and able to devote 20+ years of your life to parenthood, don&#x27;t go there. It can be incredibly rewarding, but it&#x27;s not a side project.
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