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The vital art of talking to strangers

249 pointsby abhiminatoralmost 4 years ago

19 comments

haspokenalmost 4 years ago
<a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;archive.is&#x2F;DFIdE" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;archive.is&#x2F;DFIdE</a>
beezischillinalmost 4 years ago
I grew up as a very lonely child so I struggle a lot with talking to strangers, usually the idea way more than the practice. Knowing that I’ll have to call a stranger on the phone or go to a social event full of unknown people stresses me out to the point of often thinking of many ways of how I’d like to get out of them. In social situations I struggle to let go and have to put enormous amounts of energy to act ‘normal’, yet most people don’t even pick up on it. I guess I’m good at pretending. Despite that I don’t hate people and I quite enjoy listening to them when a topic that even mildly interests me comes up, I’ve done a lot of work to broaden my horizons so thankfully that list of topics is quite long. I often wonder if other people are even remotely like me or if all this comes easily and naturally to them at all times.<p>It does have the advantage that there’s no real difficulty increase between a very difficult social event or conversation or just am average one. Or I can drink quite a lot and still seem normal. I grew up thinking that I’m defective and need to keep to myself and I had to self reflect a lot to overcome that.<p>Despite this, I quite understand and appreciate the need for socializing, crazy amounts more than I did as a child. I wish I could teach young me that because social situations resolve conflict and create opportunities and those create a healthier all around environment and often a better future for all those involved.
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munificentalmost 4 years ago
I have a hypothesis that almost all of the US&#x27;s current cultural problems would be solved if once a month we all cooked and shared a meal with another randomly chosen family.
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MarcScottalmost 4 years ago
I can talk to strangers for hours with confidence and honest interest in what they have to say, but only as long as the stranger and I have a pretext to be talking.<p>Sit me and a stranger down in a room and tell us we have to talk about our opinions on package management, the best BBQ recepies or the latest Marvel film and I&#x27;m happy.<p>It&#x27;s the small talk crap that I can&#x27;t deal with. When I&#x27;m in a line at a supermarket, I neither want to talk to my fellow shoppers or the checkout person. I don&#x27;t want friendly banter from the person selling me beer at the pub. I can&#x27;t be bothered with trying to turn a pleasantry, exchanged while holding a lift door, into a fleeting relationship.
Moodlesalmost 4 years ago
For awhile Sweden had Call a Random Swede <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.theswedishnumber.com&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.theswedishnumber.com&#x2F;</a> where if you called the number, you would literally be paired with a random Swede to talk about whatever you want.
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vuciv1almost 4 years ago
You can say you don&#x27;t enjoy interacting with strangers, but I realize you should realize that you&#x27;re taking the time to comment on an anonymous social platform.<p>Even if you&#x27;re just reading the comments, you&#x27;re listening to what strangers have to say
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renewiltordalmost 4 years ago
Perhaps the problem with social media is that it’s not social. It’s actually oratorical media. In a physically social setting, people do the thing the article quotes: they recognize that interaction with diametrically opposing viewpoints is possible if they exercise tact to eschew controversy until having built common ground.<p>That isn’t possible at scale because there is no common ground at scale. And online, everything is at scale. You are definitely talking to everyone.
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JSavageOnealmost 4 years ago
One&#x27;s life completely opens up when one realizes that it&#x27;s possible to talk to strangers and meet friends &#x2F; romantic partners anywhere, anytime, in any situation. Sure most interactions may not amount to much other than sharing a moment, but every now and then you make a friend or even romantic partner that makes it all worth it and then some. Walking outside goes from being what may have been a mere mundane chore, to endless opportunity.<p>I&#x27;m not a naturally social person - actually growing up I was extremely shy and lacking in confidence. But unlike many on here who seem to be content living like hermits, I was never content being shy and always had that curiosity and desire for human connection and social freedom.<p>So even though it was terrifying at first, I forced myself to open up and talk to people when I felt the inner urge to. It was very difficult at first - my head would be racing with thoughts like &quot;What if I&#x27;m bothering them? What if they don&#x27;t like me? What will that random person who overhears the conversation think?&quot; and sometimes my heart would literally be pounding. But on the other hand I knew that that if I didn&#x27;t do it I&#x27;d regret it for the rest of the day, and that no matter what the outcome, I&#x27;d come out a stronger, more confident, less inhibited person. Funny enough, the last two people I ended up approaching despite my heart pounding, they ended up talking my ear off, to the point where it almost seemed they wanted to talk to me more than I&#x27;d wanted to talk to them! Not everyone is this open of course, but I&#x27;m learning it&#x27;s a lot more than I used to think.<p>I can genuinely say it&#x27;s dramatically improved my quality of life. As a remote &quot;digital nomad&quot; solo traveler who&#x27;s generally going to countries alone, it&#x27;s an absolutely vital skill to have to meet people and live a more enriching life. Without this, your social circle is basically just limited to mutual friends and any in-person activities you participate in, which for me in any new city where I don&#x27;t already know anyone is basically nobody.<p>For anyone who&#x27;s wanted to be more social but hesitated due to fear of rejection or other peoples&#x27; judgement, I highly encourage you to stop living in fear of others&#x27; judgement and just live life on your own terms and go for it. It&#x27;ll make you a stronger, more confident, less needy person (eg. I think too many people cling on to bad relationships because they don&#x27;t think they can find better, which if they have no friends, initiative, and social skills might be true). My only regret is not doing this sooner. By not taking initiative, your social life is at the whim of other strangers who take initiative.
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Aboh33almost 4 years ago
As a related anecdote, I used to perform experiments by dressing in particular ways while going out in public. If I wore a nice blazer-type jacket and generally looked more preppy, I would definitely notice different behavior as when I might dress with with a t shirt and long sleeve over it with long sleeve shirt unbuttoned. I attribute this partly to conditioning via TV show characters etc.
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andreykalmost 4 years ago
Has literally anyone on this thread read the actual article? Seems pay walled to me...<p>I don&#x27;t view it as an issue, but maybe HN should start allowing &quot;Let&#x27;s Discuss&quot; type submissions without a link to an article? That seems like what happens in many cases anyway.<p>Anyways, on the topic of this article, yep it&#x27;s important!
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sgerenseralmost 4 years ago
A few years ago my daughter was 3 and was going through a phase where she’d go up to any random stranger she met and ask “hello, what’s your name?” Talked to a lot of random people this way. Nobody can resist talking to an inquisitive 3 year old. I remember I was in an airport waiting for a flight to Boston and happened to talk to a guy who’s son just started college at the same college I had gone to. Which was surprising since it isn&#x27;t very well known nor anywhere near Boston or where we were.<p>I was always torn whether the practice of a small child “talking to strangers” was dangerous but I couldn’t bring myself to discourage it.
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emptyfilealmost 4 years ago
Yeah, talking to strangers is not a thing in my country.<p>Can&#x27;t say I care for it.
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FridayoLearyalmost 4 years ago
I&#x27;m thinking about the Tube right now...
taxicabjesusalmost 4 years ago
The most important thing about learning to talk to strangers is practice. Taxi driving gave me lots of new people to talk to every day. Sometimes they weren&#x27;t new. I didn&#x27;t remember them, but they remembered me on account of my previous efforts to get information out of them.<p>[edit: if I was starting this today I&#x27;d be a ride share driver. But I&#x27;ve learned enough, and don&#x27;t feel the need to drive people around again.]<p>&gt; Here are other ways Nightingall suggests breaking a script.<p>I figured out where my passengers were going, &quot;Are you going anywhere in particular, or do I get to choose?&quot; No one hires a taxi to take them to a random location.<p>One lady, who was with her family, said &quot;we can go anywhere you want.&quot; Two seconds later she said, &quot;too late, we&#x27;re going to the movies.&quot; &#x27;DRATS! That was my chance!&#x27; Thenceforth I resolved to be prepared for when people took me up on my proposal of picking their destination.<p>One woman said we could go anywhere I wanted, as long as she got to the bus station by 10pm. We had plenty of time, so we went to the 5 &amp; Diner for dessert. When I dropped her off at the station, my passenger said it was the best birthday she&#x27;d had in quite some time. (I never heard from her again.)<p>&gt; If you say something generic, they will say something generic. If you say something specific, they are likely to as well.<p>I assumed everyone was a native Arizonan. If someone was a transplant I&#x27;d ask &quot;Oh, did you move here from [specific city in the upper Midwest]?&quot;<p>Strictly speaking, there are more people in Arizona from California than [specific city]. But California is 800 miles from Mexico to Oregon, and if they were from California they&#x27;d say, &quot;Duh&quot;, whereas if they&#x27;re from [specific city], they&#x27;re usually either impressed, or they wonder how I knew.<p>One fellow did not have that upper-midwest vibe, but I&#x27;d had experiences where I switched it up but would&#x27;ve been right. He said &quot;no, bunch of damn communists from [upper midwest city], I&#x27;m from Oklahoma.&quot;<p>&quot;How&#x27;d you find your way to the desert?&quot; IIRC that passenger was in the Army (Green Berets), and they needed an airport with a thick enough runway to support their operation (he didn&#x27;t say &#x27;in Central America&#x27;, but I realized he was talking about the Iran&#x2F;Contra operation). Scottsdale was their airport. He said something about Lt. Col. North getting crucified by Congress, iirc. [0]<p>&quot;Do you have any food in your apartment, to go with your vodka?&quot; She did not, I stopped the meter and took a detour to McDonald&#x27;s. That passenger is doing quite well now, and no longer suffers from prison-induced PTSD.<p>Not all passengers got my usual script. I just got a call from a woman who I first picked up at her parents&#x27; house. The Phoenix Police officer said, &quot;have fun with this one.&quot; She was in fight-or-flight mode, getting kicked out by her parents (who had custody of her daughter). As soon as we pulled away she broke down. She was a very expensive passenger. I hadn&#x27;t heard from her for maybe 5 years (when she&#x27;d just been approved for SS disability). She found my number last week, it was nice to hear from her.<p>[0] &quot;North formulated the second part of the plan, which was to divert proceeds from the arms sales to support the Contra rebel groups in Nicaragua, sales which had been specifically prohibited under the Boland Amendment.&quot; - <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Oliver_North" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Oliver_North</a>
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EGregalmost 4 years ago
So pickup artists took this to heart
philip142aualmost 4 years ago
This is silly, no stranger wants to be inturrupted
Noosalmost 4 years ago
I dislike these kind of books, since they are designed to overcomplicate things by appealing to the mids and upper-mids needs to follow authority, defer to expertise, and use checklists and systems to try and remove any unpleasantness from interactions. &quot;This common thing is really important! Because of science! Here is a study! Here are the health benefits! Let&#x27;s also tie this into reducing climate change! I have used my big brain to give you a blueprint of how things should go! It&#x27;s all good, because someone on the book jacket is wearing a lab coat!&quot;<p>I honestly await titles like &quot;The Lost Art of Petting a Kitten,&quot; and &quot;Outdoors; the Secret Benefits of Putting Your Laundry Outside to Dry.&quot;<p>I&#x27;d also suggest the authors to follow the nifty trend of profanity in the titles of these self-help books. &quot;I Don&#x27;t Give a Fuck: The Vital Art of Talking to Strangers&quot; and &quot;Badass: The Power of Strangers&quot; might help sales among certain demographics.
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maverick-icemanalmost 4 years ago
I struggle with this a lot.<p>I keep thinking: &quot;Those who are really great and relevant, they don&#x27;t need to go talk to strangers, it is strangers who go and approach them&quot;<p>This fuels negative thoughts about not being relevant enough so it&#x27;s better to postpone any active social approach towards strangers up until I&#x27;ll be relevant enough that they&#x27;d be approaching me instead.<p>I somehow feel that this is a consequence of teenager me being in awe of Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Metallica, Guns n Roses and Aerosmith. Getting the aforementioned attitude: &quot;If you are good enough they&#x27;ll come to you and you&#x27;d not have to do anything socially...just showing your talents&quot;<p>Approaching strangers would be a defeat in a sense. Admitting that you are not good or rare or relevant enough to be approached by them instead.<p>Maybe that&#x27;s why my favorite country is Brazil and the Amazonas region to be specific
underseacablesalmost 4 years ago
Is there a non-paywall version? I can’t read the article but my gut reaction is this: talking to strangers is dangerous.<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;xkcd.com&#x2F;642&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;xkcd.com&#x2F;642&#x2F;</a>
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