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My dead dad’s journal

472 pointsby pgcm1over 3 years ago

33 comments

prismatixover 3 years ago
Thank you for sharing. I read this a while back and it still hits me just as hard. My brother passed away nearly 6 years ago and left under similar circumstances to the author&#x27;s father. He also left a tattered, and similarly-chaotic journal.<p>I was really torn about reading it at first, but he was the type of person who wanted to go ahead of the pack and clear the path for others. His journal was the last way for him to do that.<p>He was older than me and, reading it years after his death, it&#x27;s shocking to see the differences between our lives at the same ages. He always seemed older and wiser, but now -- having just turned the age he was when he died -- I realize why he felt so lost and lonely. Being an adult in your mid-twenties is difficult. I have it easy, and I&#x27;m having a hard time. Throw in years of battling addiction and no college education, and you can&#x27;t help but feel the entire world is against you.<p>Losing an older sibling is a strange experience. The longer you go without them, the smaller the age gap between you becomes. Eventually, you&#x27;re older than they will ever be -- I haven&#x27;t reached that point yet but just thinking about it puts a lump in my throat.<p>I&#x27;ve considered publishing bits and pieces of his story on a blog, or in a book, someday. Anything that could help people in his (or my) situation feel less alone. Although, I don&#x27;t think it would be much help considering his story ended.<p>Not sure why I posted this comment. There&#x27;s not much substance here other than evidence of another touched soul.
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topherjaynesover 3 years ago
Thanks for this article and hit me really hard. My mom passed away unexpectedly a few weeks ago. She was just starting to enjoy retirement and time being a grandmom. Her journals were note books and mostly documents of what she had done in two year of retirement and things to do with the boys. It&#x27;s so hard to look at the plans of things to come and what she was thinking of... like the planning of my oldest son&#x27;s 9 3&#x2F;4 birthday in a year because he&#x27;s so in to Harry Potter. It&#x27;s a unique treasure to see the inner workings of her mind and something I wish everyone got to experience after a parents passing. We&#x27;ve left the stack of them out at her house so the rest of my siblings can go through them as the pass through.
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noduermeover 3 years ago
This really moved me. My dad went through brain surgery last year and his four sons converged from around the country. We all barely speak to each other. A holographic will was produced, ten loose leaf pages in impossible handwriting, the last few pages written by him right before he went into surgery while his fourth wife held the pad and guided his hand with a pen. I wish we had conducted ourselves with grace, but two of my brothers are lawyers, so we&#x27;re shouting at each other in his house while he&#x27;s having a full craniotomy. Luckily he survived and is back somewhat in his faculties for now, and seems cognizant that he doesn&#x27;t want to leave this strife behind between his wife and his kids. But this still made me choke up because there&#x27;s not much anyone can do. I think about my dad&#x27;s regrets and his father&#x27;s and see them repeated in myself and my brothers. None of us knows what we&#x27;re really doing, do we? We&#x27;re all trying our best to pretend we have some control.
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tbronchainover 3 years ago
I felt very strongly with this story - and thank you for sharing.<p>My mother passed away at 59. She was healthy, and thought she had decades to live. Then she got sick, and thought she had years. Few months later, we had a call on our way to the hospital, she was dead.<p>I didn&#x27;t have the greatest relationship with my mother and the disease didn&#x27;t allow us to do more than scratch the surface. She wasn&#x27;t an open person but I know her mind was rich. She left with it and nobody will ever be able to get the full picture. Maybe that&#x27;s what she wanted, but almost a year later I know something will still be missing inside me.<p>A lot of people here are entrepreneurs and I think a common goal is to leave our trace in this world, and make our temporary stay less temporary. We tend to forget that everything is temporary and always think we have time, but really, we don&#x27;t.<p>This feeling first created within me a constant feeling of rush and stress, still present, but is evolving in a urge to focus on what is truly essential to me.<p>I, for some strange&#x2F;personal reasons struggle to write what&#x27;s in my head. My thoughts are very disorganized and always feel what&#x27;s on the paper doesn&#x27;t reflect the original idea. If you have felt in a similar way, I am very interested in hearing stories on how you overcame this.<p>I believe we all have a treasure to share, maybe not to the world, but to a few people to who we matter.
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steve_adams_86over 3 years ago
&gt; An addict who was self-aware, and still couldn’t pull himself out from the abyss.<p>My experience with addicts is that they are often self aware. Their appearance and circumstance might suggest otherwise. It&#x27;s very easy to relegate these people to some category of cognitive failure.<p>Unfortunately it seems to me that addiction tends to defeat good cognition, awareness, intention, all the rest of the apparent defences – it isn&#x27;t a disease of stupidity or inferiority.<p>&gt; It was Jekyll talking to Hyde. Bruce Banner talking to the Hulk. And, in honor of my dad I feel I must also include: It’s Data talking to Lore.<p>I love it.<p>That was a nice read. I like to be reminded of how messy life can be and at the same time how close death is. We&#x27;re all on borrowed time. Reading about dads struggling from the perspective of their children is also a uniquely motivating thing. I hope my kids don&#x27;t end up reading through my journals trying to get to know me after losing me unexpectedly.
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HeyZuessover 3 years ago
I do something similar to this for my kids, they each have an email address which I send some pictures and&#x2F;or message to every day. On my passing they will get the details to access the accounts.<p>I thought it was important to leave them something that they can reflect on, memories, thoughts, reasons, and an understanding of me in some ways and how they impacted on my life.
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birdyroosterover 3 years ago
&quot;One of us smoked a cigarette.&quot; I love the solidarity of this phrase. It&#x27;s careful and subtly loving.
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Ozzie_osmanover 3 years ago
Wow. My dad&#x27;s not an addict but.. I&#x27;m off to call him and let him know how much I love and appreciate what he&#x27;s done for me and my siblings.
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accidentalrebelover 3 years ago
I have been writing a journal on-and-off for more than 5 years already.<p>My purpose is similar, which is to only have it available to my loved ones after I die. I am hoping that whatever lessons I couldn&#x27;t impart to them while I was alive, they could get from my writings.<p>I&#x27;ve also revealed to them that my journal exists so that they would know what to do when the time comes.<p>My journal is digital and it&#x27;s spread across my computer, my phone, and on the cloud. I am planning to write a script to collect everything into one location to make it easier to go through it. I also plan to add a note to each family member, just in case they could not (or do not want to) read through the whole thing. I just hope I would still have the time to do all of this.
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johnwheelerover 3 years ago
Especially powerful for me was<p>&gt; My dad didn’t have a tidy ending. I won’t. And neither will you. Our lives will not be a slow positive upward slope before we die in our sleep surrounded by our loved ones.
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pgcm1over 3 years ago
This article by Sean Blanda made me tear up a little. It&#x27;s a beautiful and emotional read.
Sophistifunkover 3 years ago
I found something akin to this after dad died, while going through some old floppies looking for a demo my friends had made and released and then lost. I don&#x27;t really remember what it said, but I remember I wished I hadn&#x27;t read it.<p>I have those files somewhere, I protect them, back them up, and move them dutifully when I migrate to a new box, but I never ever read through them.<p>So, YMMV.
obynioover 3 years ago
That was a beautiful story that hit me harder than expected. I wished my dad had left behind a journal. He died as well when I was in my early twenties, but I still feel like I didn&#x27;t knew him as I should have.<p>I knew my dad had cancer but he was trying hard not to show it. Maybe he wanted to keep face in front of my brothers and I, to preserve the best image we had from him, a strong and strict paternal figure from outside but a loving father from inside. And still, I kept denying it, refusing to accept the evil that was eating away at him. I was that dumb introverted kid that had nothing but work to escape the reality.<p>I still remember his last look at me while I was heading back to college after visiting him. A look of pride and sorrow, as he knew what would happen in the next days. And for the first time in my life, I saw my dad shedding a tear as he was asking me to take care of my brother&#x27;s future. It was discrete, but I noticed it, and I still wish I could slap the past me and stay with him in his final moments. This will be forever among the biggest regrets I have.<p>Spend time with your loved ones and make sure that time is well spent. Sometime you never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.
magpi3over 3 years ago
I have been a writing teacher, and sometimes the question comes out: why write?<p>This is why you write. Not to be famous, not to be published. But so that you can leave something for the ones who loved you. So that you do not just become a fading memory. So that people knew you where here.<p>None of my ancestors (including my Dad) kept a journal, at least one that I can get my hands on. So I know absolutely nothing about them. And that feels like a huge, huge loss.
mrpf1sterover 3 years ago
What a beautiful memoir, I&#x27;m glad the journal could provide the author such closure.
dzinkover 3 years ago
I run a family wishlist site called DreamList (<a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.dreamlist.com" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.dreamlist.com</a>) and it is frequented by grandparents. Since 2020 we started working on a family journal to build into the site to make sure families are reminded to jot down and preserve their stories and potentially to give them to loved ones on special occasions. Some insights and lessons are more valuable than any material gift and you don’t have to wait till a terminal event to share them.
m0zgover 3 years ago
I feel like I could only really understand my parents when I became a parent myself. All the fucked up stuff they did to themselves and each other (and sometimes to me), all the life lessons they tried (mostly unsuccessfully) to teach me - I&#x27;m doing some version of it, and it now makes more sense since I&#x27;m now where they were back then. I suspect it&#x27;ll only fully make sense once I become a grandparent.
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mberningover 3 years ago
I never knew what dying meant until I saw my old man go
crypticaover 3 years ago
I never understood how parents could disown their children. It&#x27;s some kind of social brainwashing. It makes no sense from an evolutionary perspective.<p>By disowning your own children, you&#x27;re giving an advantage to other people&#x27;s children (whose parents haven&#x27;t disowned them)... Some of these kids are downright rotten.
jl6over 3 years ago
To all those who keep a long-term journal: what’s your end-game? Trash it? Publish it? Actively gift it to your family? Passively let the family read it if they find it? If it’s an electronic journal, what steps are you taking to ensure or prevent access after you’re gone?
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pelasacoover 3 years ago
I had a similar experience with my mom who I didn&#x27;t had too much contact last years. I moved to another country and we talked less frequently that we should. She was an active writer, mostly on facebook and blog (she was blogging consistently since 2001). Now those are the media that I&#x27;m using to keep my mom image alive to my kids. She passed on January. I sent her a package for Christmas with some pictures and texts produced by me and my kids. The package came back, probably because it arrived after she was already dead. Now the package is seating near my computer untouched since weeks.
matthewhartmansover 3 years ago
It was a really beautiful read and some real teary moments.<p>Thank you for sharing man.
sharadovover 3 years ago
Beautifully written, and this line really struck deep &quot;Your children are nothing more than the memories they spend with you.&quot;
MrDresdenover 3 years ago
My father was also an addict, and passed away some 11 years ago.<p>I have fond memories with him, but never felt I knew him well.<p>It is because of this I have kept a journal for the last decade, for my loved ones in case I would pass unexpectedly.
sylensover 3 years ago
I&#x27;ve tried starting to journal a few times using an app like Day One, but reading this makes me feel a physical, handwritten journal that could be left behind for family may ultimately be a better option
pepoluanover 3 years ago
That was a beautiful story. I&#x27;m teary eyed reading that.<p>I wish my mom &amp; dad kept a journal, but they hadn&#x27;t, and now they live only in me &amp; my brother&#x27;s memories...<p>I should start my own journal.
willemojnrover 3 years ago
This broke my heart into so many pieces.
bjarnehover 3 years ago
What an incredible piece of writing. If I could write like that; I&#x27;d be an author...
bsergeover 3 years ago
If anyone needs an organ donation in Europe, I can provide it if it&#x27;s a match.
blastroover 3 years ago
Thanks so much for this. I&#x27;m crying. Hits me very hard.
1MachineElfover 3 years ago
I wish my dad had left behind a journal.
nceqs3over 3 years ago
This is an incredible post.
LocalHover 3 years ago
I <i>believe</i> our minds secrete N,N-DMT when we are dying, to help take us through the transition into death itself, the separation of our consciousness from our physical body, and &quot;our&quot; return to the collection consciousness of the universe. I believe that sometimes can explain why certain end-of-life mental scenarios are difficult - for some people, I think that secretion starts happening early.<p>Before my mother passed away, I was struggling with caring for her quite fiercely. She would talk about how she just got done writing a movie, or that she would see various &quot;demons&quot; in the corners of the room, etc. At first I didn&#x27;t know any better other than to say &quot;you&#x27;ve been here the whole time&quot;. I was trying to do my best but it was difficult. I&#x27;d walk outside on the porch to smoke a cigarette and before I could finish I&#x27;d hear her yelling like I&#x27;d been gone for hours.<p>Then, about a month before she passed, I was fortunate enough to have a few experiences with DMT. The first four or five were smaller trips, pleasurable and short, and the biggest one gave me exactly what I needed. The first two or three objective minutes of the experience felt more like 20-30 minutes internally. I had the most beautiful visual color overlays, and I felt like at that moment I understood <i>everything about everything</i>. Almost like the universe was just dumping information and knowledge into me, on a more subconscious level. I then had a really intense, pleasurable, almost orgasmic yet completely non-sexual vibration sensation. After this, my egotistical ass decided to try to play <i>Guitar Hero</i> of all things. Immediately the experience went into what I would call a &quot;hyperslap&quot;. My time perception was suddenly yanked <i>backwards</i> and I felt <i>forced</i> through the <i>exact path my eyes had taken while looking around the room during the initial part of the trip</i>. It didn&#x27;t seem to go back any further than the moment I ingested the DMT. But then I was pulled <i>forwards</i> to &quot;now&quot;. This happened back and forth I have no idea how many times. My friend and tripsitter was preparing a bowl of cannabis for after I came down. I perceived hearing the weed breaking up several times, no idea how many. At one point I remember the loops slowed down to the point where I tried to stand up, and I knocked over a soda bottle sitting on the floor. I also perceived that bottle fall over multiple times throughout the experience. At one point the experience pulled me back to now and then things got <i>really slow</i>. I suddenly had a random thought about &quot;hey, I&#x27;ve seen movies about dying and getting stuck in a loop, is it actually possible that <i>happens</i>?&quot;. So I asked out loud &quot;am I dead?&quot; My friend told me &quot;you&#x27;re more alive than you&#x27;ve ever been&quot;. This proceeded to kick off further time looping, and it kept speeding up. Eventually it turned into the inverse vibration from the early part of the trip, instead of being pleasurable it was absolutely dreadful and caused me to exclaim &quot;I&#x27;m never doing this again&quot; (spoiler: I&#x27;ve since had a few smaller DMT experiences but not another one quite as big).<p>The entire trip took about 45 minutes or so, when most DMT trips take 15-20 minutes. I did smoke a cigarette directly before consuming the DMT, so it&#x27;s possible that had an MAOI-type effect, which will greatly prolong a DMT experience (and why ayahuasca is usually a 4-6 hour thing).<p>After my normal reality returned to me, I felt like I&#x27;d been <i>completely mentally reborn</i>. My ADHD seemed cured for the moment. I could direct my focus wherever I wanted, and didn&#x27;t nearly have the problem I did before with any random thing involuntarily grabbing my focus. I also then perceived my mother&#x27;s situation <i>completely differently</i>, and I truly believe she was experiencing a natural DMT experience of sorts.<p>One time she was telling me she was seeing demons in the corner of the room, and I told her to close her eyes and think about Jesus (she was quite religious, although I&#x27;m more naturalistic and spiritual especially since the above experience). I gave her a few seconds and I asked her what she saw. She told me beautiful colors and flowers. To me that is <i>textbook</i> DMT, thoughts directly influencing vision.<p>I was able to process her death without grief after my DMT experience. I was able to understand that it was ok that my mother&#x27;s identity would cease to exist, because her consciousness was returning home to the universe.<p>Some people may say &quot;oh, we have no proof that any of this is true, so therefore it&#x27;s not&quot;. I agree with the first part of that statement but not the second. To me, the difference between classical organized religion and the beliefs I have adopted, is that the former tend to make people authoritative, while the latter only cause me to <i>strongly desire</i> to treat others with true kindness and understanding, to help ease their experience through this world and and make it more positive. I&#x27;m not necessarily saying <i>everyone</i> should try DMT, but I <i>am</i> saying that it needs to be heavily researched and studied. I feel like understanding more about all psychedelics will help us greatly in understanding things related to consciousness and death.