Fear of disappointing others is just about the only thing that actually motivates me to focus, as an ADD person. I did well in school almost solely because I didn't want to let down my teachers. I work now so I don't let down my team.<p>If I only cared about what I thought, I'd never have the motivation to finish anything
The immoderate version of this kind of setting boundaries can be percieved as rejecting normal reciprocity. There's also probably a cliché that the lack of boundaries is for meek personalities, but charismatic personalities also lack them. Russell Brand is a great example of a charismatic personality who seems to lack personal boundaries, and being creative is all about testing them, so it's not always bad or an anti-pattern, but being unable to manage it means you aren't getting value from it - literally, unmanaged. It can manifest either as being overly submissive and accomodating while accumulating resentment in the meek case, or being unable to handle silence and being overly diplomatic or entertaining in the charismatic case.<p>Not having consistent personal boundaries can create the expectation for others to reciprocate the lack of boundaries we present with. It becomes very bad news when you resent others for not reciprocating all the "nice" things you did for them to avoid their perceived disappointment.<p>Anyway, when you promote someone out of an IC role to a management role, the initial struggle is often due to this FODO habit that they were rewarded for and it was the thing that helped them succeed as an IC, but hampers them as a leader. What got you here isn't what you need for the next stage, etc.<p>The concept is so important, I wish it were part of a common curriculum. This named FODO anxiety is the underlying factor in a number of anti-patterns, like what bullies exploit, how large groups of people become cowed, how some personalities can derail teams. This writer is telling us why we should manage this, whereas I think everyone should be responsible for developing the ability to manage FODO as a life skill.
I’ve got this sorted out with work, because I feel fully confident that losing my job is more likely to be net good than net bad. To some extent the job is disposable, they lack the leverage to abuse me.<p>It’s different with family (parents and siblings) who have been absolutely unsupportive to me personally yet continually insist that I do X/Y/Z for them every week. By pushing back and trying to reduce this stressor, they gaslight and victim blame instead of using empathy. But what am I to do? Cut them off and be a pariah from the extended family for the rest of life?
In Sweden I have seen that people just understand that others are human. If you stay at home because you have a sick kid, I support that. If I leave half an hour early because I have a doctor appointment my manager understands. My manager may take extra vacation days and that is ok. One employee does not sabotage the needs of the others, work is done anyway and everything works better when people is relaxed and can focus when needed instead of overworked.<p>I understand that in countries like the USA employees complain about other employees just for being sick and call them lazy, and management forces people to do extra hours to impress upper management. Or at least I get that from many comments here in HN were I have seen people been called lazy for having human needs or caring for their families.
I don't know what it is about life coaches and their writing style, but a few sentences in, I just <i>knew</i> this guy had a course to sell.<p>Is there anything that makes Nick qualified to provide that advice?
There’s just a certain point in your career where you have way too much to do and you realize you’ll never get it all done. I have a zillion things in my personal backlog, and I just accept that some of them won’t get done. I’m always going to be disappointing someone.<p>Besides, a person’s disappointment stems from their own expectations going unmet, not your competency. Frequently those expectations weren’t reasonable in the first place.