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Ask HN: How should I find a wife?

23 pointsby omosubiover 3 years ago
Hello HN, for those who are already married, I'm curious how you would go about finding a wife if you had to do it again - I'm an American man in my late 20s/early 30s in a large city but any advice or suggestions you have I'd be interested in regardless of context.

18 comments

800xlover 3 years ago
All of the women I dated I met in lower pressure situations like at work or school and the relationship just developed naturally. I never tried to force it. I met my wife at work while in college (so it wasn't a professional level job). Trying to meet women at a bar or club seems too high pressure and too much like a game so I never understood guys who did that. I'm a huge nerd and would never be able to make bars and clubs work anyway.
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aristofunover 3 years ago
Crucial lesson that I’ve learned the hard way: never make decisions regarding spiritual and irrational side of your life with your rational brain.<p>Unless you consider a wife as purely a business partner with concrete common goals in mind.<p>This sounds cheesy but its true nonetheless - don’t go from your mind (he is always looking for more and always unsatisfied), go from your heart.<p>On the technical side - i’d just expose myself more to various social contexts, would be more proactive in starting meaningful conversations, would take more responsibility for the interaction (not for control over other party’s reactions), would say no more often, would believe in myself more and trusted my intuition, would waste less time just trying to get laid.
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TimTheTinkerover 3 years ago
This book helped me think rationally about the problem space: <i>How To Get A Date Worth Keeping</i> by Henry Cloud.<p>He has a systematic approach that is very much like a sales funnel. The idea is to maximize the number of people you date once, and thus increase your probability of finding someone who will be mutually compatible with you.
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fl0tingh0stover 3 years ago
Indian here (from southern part): My physical attribute, 5&#x27;2 (short but not dwarf), Wheatish color. In India most of the marriage will be arranged, so I&#x27;m trying for arrange marriage, I&#x27;m searching from past 3 years, rejected by 200 odd potential bride because of my height and we don&#x27;t have a own place of in city (but we have in village, as of now staying at a rented place in city). Even my love proposal in past was rejected either by my financial condition or by my height. the girl is 5ft is also expecting 5&#x27;5 above. I don&#x27;t know why girls prefer height over everything. The only reason I&#x27;m being considered in few scenario is my education background and my salary. We as a family were from lower middle class, due to my and my brother earning we are kind of between upper middle and middle class. I tried bumble, nothing worked there too. Any suggestion please?
Bostonianover 3 years ago
Marginal Revolution recently had a good discussion:<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;marginalrevolution.com&#x2F;marginalrevolution&#x2F;2022&#x2F;01&#x2F;advice-on-finding-a-talented-spouse.html" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;marginalrevolution.com&#x2F;marginalrevolution&#x2F;2022&#x2F;01&#x2F;ad...</a>
avmichover 3 years ago
You have to see people. This could be hard, for introverts, but this is almost a requirements both for direct goal and for finding ways to the goal - in other words, you&#x27;ll learn what to do better the more people you&#x27;re contacting.
suifbwishover 3 years ago
Half the people I know and work with (Indian) had arranged marriages and all seem to be pretty happy. The idea of hoping everything works out randomly with no planning or reference is kind of terrifying to me.
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dustedover 3 years ago
I never searched for a wife, never aspired to &quot;find a wife&quot;, never particularly wanted a wife.<p>I just went about with my life and a wife suddenly appeared. (To be fair, first she was just a girl, then a friend, then a girlfriend and then a wife).<p>You can increase the probability that a wife appears in much the same way catch new pokemon, by moving around, even if you&#x27;re just moving between the same two tiles.<p>So, to repeat what everyone else said, don&#x27;t be hunting, and don&#x27;t worry about it, enjoy your life and be social in situations where you feel comfortable.
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thinkskiover 3 years ago
For me, online dating worked out, but it took a long time, was a bumpy road. I found that having a great group of friends also helped me. After college I moved to a new city and a corporate job with a skewed gender ratio, which made it tough to meet people, and probably made me a less desirable mate (having thin social connections). When I moved back closer to home, to people I knew, and found a job at a smaller company I enjoyed, things fell into place — even people you meet online will need to fit into your irl life eventually.
tcmart14over 3 years ago
I&#x27;m not too sure. Both my wife and I were in the navy when we met. We were drinking together at a party, she ended up punching me in the face (she still maintains it was an accident) and now we are married with two kids.<p>Edit: However we were friends for a long time after that and ended up just giving it a shot. We were not dating for long (3 months) when she became pregnant and we married.
cm2012over 3 years ago
There&#x27;s three ways:<p>1) Meet people doing hobbies&#x2F;outside of work activities (You take art classes at the local community college, meet a nice girl, etc)<p>2) Meet people through dating sites (match.com, tinder, etc)<p>3) Meet people through friends (Your friend has game night at their house, invites a single girl, you two hit it off)
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cosmodiskover 3 years ago
I would just go to places where I can expect to meet people: some social clubs, meetups, various gatherings and etc. Those are much more pleasant places to talk to people. Online dating has its place too,but in my opinion it&#x27;s like a commodity market nowadays.
e15ctr0nover 3 years ago
Go for a professional match-making service in your city. They will understand your needs and set you up for several dates with different women who also desire to get married.
kwertyoowiyopover 3 years ago
“Modern Romance” by Aziz Ansari is an interesting and entertaining read.
Arete314159over 3 years ago
During an airborne plague? That&#x27;s tough. I probably wouldn&#x27;t date until something major shifted with being able to protect yourself....which is a terrible plan, I&#x27;m just telling you how I feel as of today.
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fault1over 3 years ago
online dating.
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post_from_workover 3 years ago
&gt;&gt;&gt;I&#x27;m an American man in my late 20s&#x2F;early 30s in a large city<p>1. What is your long-term objective for marriage? If the answer does NOT include &quot;successfully raise well-adjusted children in a 2-parent household&quot;, then don&#x27;t even waste your time with a marriage. It&#x27;s an unnecessary legal entanglement if you just want to bang someone and hang out with them for a few decades.<p>2. Before digging deeper into your wife search, maximize your own attractiveness. This requires a serious period of introspection and self-improvement to correct deficiencies both in character and in physical appearance. There&#x27;s plenty of solid &quot;manosphere&quot; content on the subject. Try to avoid most of the PUA psychology stuff, except for: tips on overcoming &quot;approach anxiety&quot;, &quot;maintaining frame&quot;, &quot;abundance mentality&quot;, and avoiding &quot;pedestalization&quot;.<p>3. If you are decently attractive, decently charismatic, and in an above-average economic bracket (let&#x27;s just say debt-free and ~$75k+ annual income), understand that in the GLOBAL dating pool, you are holding the cards. YOU are the commodity. You are the one screening an abundance of applicants for the job position of &quot;spouse&quot;, looking to disqualify the bulk of them. So get the fuck out of the United States and date internationally. Especially outside of &quot;the West&quot;. It&#x27;s really not THAT hard to find a woman who is moderately cute, not annoying, with sufficient domestic skills to maintain a household, and a consistently-loving demeanor to take the lead on childrearing. Which leads to my next point:<p>4. What kind of women are you physically attracted to? The US is a nation of immigrants. It&#x27;s best to &quot;go to the source&quot; to get the pure uncut product, so-to-speak. If you like blondes, move to Scandinavia to wife-hunt. You like Latin women? Move to Colombia or Chile. &quot;Lightskin&quot; Asians? I would say Japan, but this place is essentially locked down due to COVID...&quot;Darkskin&quot; Asians? Philippines, Thailand, Vietnam. Black women? Don&#x27;t date an African-American woman (binge watch some Kevin Samuels videos on YT to see why), go get a proper African from Kenya or Tanzania. Etc, etc....<p>5. Once you are in your target market, leverage benign social circle activities. English-language meetups, coffee shops, local guy friends (don&#x27;t have some? make some), religious institutions if you are into that. Do NOT wife-hunt on Tinder&#x2F;Bumble unless you are extremely adept at sniffing out women trying to take advantage of you. Swipe dating is fine if you just need to get some exercise in the bedroom but I generally discourage treating any of those connections as serious long-term prospects.<p>6. I suppose some of this is dependent on YOUR character and what you like, but I&#x27;d screen women based on their family background (are her parents still happily married? ), psychological issues, alcohol&#x2F;drug abuse, previous relationships (if any), etc... basically disqualify anyone who looks like they might be damaged goods, excessively emotional, unpredictable, etc... When things get serious, definitely get to know her parents if possible.<p>7. Never repatriate your new spouse back to the United States. Removing them from the family and culture that turned them into such a quality wife undermines all of your efforts. The culture AND the legal framework in the US are toxic and destructive. Keep in mind that ~50% of marriages end in divorce, ~70% of those divorces are initiated by the female, and divorce court will absolutely demolish you with alimony and&#x2F;or child support payments. NEVER give the US legal system, combined with a woman&#x27;s whims, the opportunity to fuck your life up.<p>Good luck&#x2F;happy hunting! Enjoy the process!<p><i>dons flamesuit</i> (IME no-BS dating advice for men on HN is rarely well-received)
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badrabbitover 3 years ago
Try the wife store or order one from wife.com. Since you are already married, I guess you are looking for a sister wife? Maybe a vacation in Utah is all you need.