Write a note to your spouse every day

Wow, so much negativity.<p>I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don&#x27;t know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have.<p>Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird.<p>Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with.<p>If there&#x27;s a lot of love, they amplify it.<p>If there&#x27;s a lot of lack of commitment, they amplify it.<p>They do not change lack of commitment into love magically.<p>Sorry for being the party pooper. I understand where the OP is coming from and I truly respect that. Just wanted to add a bit of more context.

My wife and I write an annual letter to one another. They are truly magical and they are great to read back, often bringing us to tears and capturing the struggles of raising children, moving continents etc. They unleash memories when read. We have ten years of them and they are truly amazing and I recommend it as a slightly less involved shared (two way) ritual .

For anyone skimming the comments first, I found the author&#x27;s outline to be the most interesting segment (though I recommend reading the essay in full):<p>&quot;Here’s a general outline of what I write:<p>&quot;Gratitude (for her, her hard work, her amazing looks, etc.)<p>&quot;What I’m working on today.<p>&quot;What I’m working towards (goals, deadlines, etc.)<p>&quot;Anything I’m excited about.<p>&quot;Anything that’s bothering me (stress, anxiety, pessimism, etc.)<p>&quot;Ideas that I have (parenting, fixing the home, work related, etc.)<p>&quot;Transactional stuff (finances, things I need to take care of, stuff I need to remember, etc.)<p>&quot;Questions (are there any events coming up, are we doing a date night this week, etc.)<p>&quot;Gratitude (for the life we have, the things we have, the time we have, the kids we have, etc.)<p>&quot;I don’t write every section every day, but those are the general categories I usually fall into. The note usually takes me just shy of a half-hour if I’m not distracted.&quot;<p>The notes are quite thoughtful: many of these points sound sweet, and several of the prompts could still work for people who aren&#x27;t in a relationship. The appreciation shown, and the self-reflection, likely both strengthen the relationship.

I am going to get a lot of flak for this. But the more I read things like these, the more I feel marriage is not for everyone and society has a whole should stop gushing down this concept to next generation. Personally I feel, If you have to write a note to your spouse everyday to &quot;save your marriage&quot;, then you probably didnt have one to begin with.

I&#x27;m in a very similar demographic as the author so I empathise with how hard things can be, but this:<p>&gt;there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day.<p>Oh boy. That sounds <i>awful</i>.<p>Rather than trying to work around that busyness, personally I would go out of my way to just not have that. Maybe I&#x27;m naive, but I want to be continuously moving towards being less busy and having more time for my family. Actual time, disposable time. Not time-compressed, high-information-density notes.<p>Of course, to each their own.

Great post! Thanks for sharing something so personal. Being married and having kids is very rewarding, but also very challenging.<p>Being a good husband or father is not something that is a given. This is especially true in the asymmetric situation where one parent stays at home. Good for you for finding meaningful ways to be there for your partner and sharing it.<p>Sharing our experiences for what works helps us all be better! If this post even helps one other dad be a better father and husband, the world is immeasurably improved.

Is it just me or does anybody else think having to “do” something to want to talk to each other is weird? I feel like the trust between these two was very broken at this point. Usually when both parties have a healthy emotional well being and they like each other (and have kids also, so they have a lot in common I guess?) it would only be normal to want to talk with each other.<p>Looks more like a symptom of fatigue or emotional discomfort to me if you don’t want to talk to your spouse. I would start looking Into that before I would fire off random text book romantic gestures to “save my marriage”.

The type of job and how you are wired makes a big difference in how you communicate. Like the OP, I&#x27;m someone who has always worked in startups (until the last couple months at a non-profit). I&#x27;ve always been on the product &#x2F; leadership side and most recently cofounded a company where I had to wear all the hats for 7+ years. Most waking moments were focused on making the company successful and ensuring a stable income for my family (I have 4 kids under 17). My older kids are travel soccer players, life is busy and my communication with my wife has suffered for a long while. With limited time together a marriage still needs to move along... I appreciate the OP using all means of communication to improve the relationship. I too am a better writer than speaker so I will add some of his advice to my toolchest.

&gt; I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or so would go by and I hadn’t even so much as checked in on my wife.<p>Sounds like hell; is this the American Dream?

Eh, everyone does what they want for themselves and a lot of weird dynamics work out for people.<p>However here, not knowing any party, from absolutely fly-over perspective feels like (marital) tragedy waiting to happen.<p>Young (30), working asses off either at work or with 4 young kids, only one person providing, lack of intimacy and something that could be called weekly report instead of partner communicating.<p>Even this piece feels forced. Maybe it’s me but exposing personal relationship strategy feels like boasting about win, and when relationships becomes a field for wins it doesn’t bode well.<p>I still don’t know them and know nada, that might work perfectly well, but that’s definitely not something I’d go with for general life advice.

I was writing (almost) daily email when I and my wife were in long distance relationship during the time my wife studied for her master degree. It happened just in the early days of our marriage. It was the day before WhatsApp has video call feature and long time before zoom. The small daily email quite helping us to form the bonding. Couple o lf years ago I dumped the email into this blog <a href="http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.dearwifey.com&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.dearwifey.com&#x2F;</a>.

This is interesting read&#x2F;advice.<p>Yet, what I&#x27;ve really missed is the spouse feedback.<p>The writing focused on &quot;his&quot; expectations and &quot;his&quot; conclusions.<p>I&#x27;m not underestimating this.<p>Though it would be nice to write this as a duo or share a separate post by your spouse.

I don&#x27;t know about daily notes, anything that&#x27;s daily kind of loses its impact. But leaving surprise love notes for my wife, spontaneously, a few times a year is wonderful and something I highly recommend. Get some post-its and a sharpie, hide them someplace unexpected.

Great read, I am stealing this concept and implementing it in someway. People are lost here in details, obviously the central point of this article is how to stay on top of communication with your spouse with busy lifestyle. It doesn’t have to be notes, may be you can go for daily walks etc. Point is to not let relationship become stale and boring that after 20-40 years of marriage you may not know much of how life went. May be some people do not want to be very involved with wife and just marry to have kids. Either way points in this articles are great, thanks for sharing.

&gt; I recommend writing the note first thing in the morning (...) That’s usually when you’re most fresh<p>Combining &quot;morning&quot; and &quot;fresh&quot; in one sentence sounds like an oxymoron to me.

I would have appreciated some mention of the actual medium in which the notes are written.<p>Are we talking about a post-it note? Are the notes in a physical notebook? Is this done via some sort of mobile app? On a WhatsApp message, perhaps?<p>I know it will be different for everyone, probably, but I think it is important to know one that is already working for someone.

Reminds me of the habit we started in Marriage Encounter 20+ years ago. Same idea - communication. ME is Christian-based, and we have fallen away from that in recent years, but the concept was sound. The daily notes went a long way to improving communication and intimacy. This post prompts me to pick it up again.

We chat every day on Signal.

Everyday sounds a bit too aggressive, but I could see this working maybe on a weekly or monthly basis but in longer form.<p>A newsletter for one could sound exciting.

This would drive me up the wall but each to their own.

Author here - I recorded an interview with my wife to get her perspective on it all: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.youtube.com&#x2F;watch?v=OJP-4f7AnAk" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.youtube.com&#x2F;watch?v=OJP-4f7AnAk</a>

i am so obsessed with writing notes. like, i literally document everything. like everything. it&#x27;s not like writing diary at end of the day. it&#x27;s like taking notes you are going through. i am so obsessed, i try to reach out for my mobiles as fast as possible something happen. it&#x27;s like, i am writing what i am thinking... and it&#x27;s only for one reason for my future partner, that&#x27;s all. i want to share everything with her. no matter what... i know it&#x27;s so much she can&#x27;t even read everything. also, one i meet her, these notes will be redirected towards her, so kind of no notes, what better that direct convo with her even with messages.... :)<p>i am waiting so much........

I agree that this level of communication should be met in a relationship, but I feel like the form is possibly an area for improvement. Talking face to face being preferable, and texting or calling if not.<p>Physical notes are fine but it feels less natural.

Writing a note every day is just pedestalizing your partner unless it’s bidirectional.<p>Also, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is a real thing.<p>So very bad advice if it’s just one way. That’s actually si*p behavior.<p>Very good advice if it’s symmetrical.

Already on it: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;semiosis.github.io&#x2F;posts&#x2F;write-everyday&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;semiosis.github.io&#x2F;posts&#x2F;write-everyday&#x2F;</a>

3x5 card, one to two sentences. It works.

My issue with my wife is not having 45 mins a day with her. If I had that, the note would be supernumerary.

Thank you for sharing! great idea.

Does she write notes to him? It would feel a little weird to me if this was one-sided.

remember to take out the trash

Where does one find a wife?

Don’t waste your time reading comments. Each pontification is shittier than the other. People on HN can be extremely stupid sometimes.<p>Note to author: please for fuck sake, stop with the false click bait promises. “I wrote a note every day” … then … “Ok, that’s a lie; it’s on weekdays and not everyday”… what the hell? You do you you’re writing and not speaking right? ie. go back and edit your text if you’ve lied, otherwise it’s just clickbait.

“Husband discovers that communication with wife is helpful”

Imagine needing <i>daily</i> gratitude to function?