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The toll of dating app burnout

140 pointsby irajdeepover 2 years ago

37 comments

antonymyover 2 years ago
Reading this article as a straight man is like listening to a rich friend complain about how they have too many rooms to decorate in their mansion whilst I struggle to make rent in a single bedroom apartment. Particularly this bit<p>&gt;She recommends that app users stop scrolling and talking to other matches once they have found nine people they feel some level of connection with, and dedicate their time to really trying to get to know those people first.<p>Oh, stop at nine? Well I&#x27;ll let you know when I eventually hit nine concurrent matches. Hasn&#x27;t happened yet, eight years and counting. I&#x27;m sure I&#x27;ll be able to stop scrolling any year now. It&#x27;s like reading about a different planet.
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gernbover 2 years ago
Honestly I don&#x27;t know where else to look. I don&#x27;t go to church. I have few friends and those I do have do not have any connections to introduce me to people. I choose a poor career for meeting people. No job I&#x27;ve ever had has had many people of the opposite sex in my division. Even now, in my team and a very large company, of the 45 people that I might interact with regularly, 43 are male and while there might be women at work I have no good excuse to talk to any of them.<p>I&#x27;m not saying I want to meet someone at work. But, work is the 2nd most common place to meet someone. Friends are #1 but as I mentioned my friends don&#x27;t come through here.<p>Bars don&#x27;t seem my thing. I am going to a dance event regularly but so far nothing there and even then, I can&#x27;t talk while I dance as I need to concentrate on getting the moves right (it&#x27;s a well known style of dance, not just club dancing)<p>Trying to go to meetups but COVID is still a thing so outdoors only. And it can be burn out on those two because rarely is there anyone I might be interested in. (single, age appropriate, and seem compatible). I know it&#x27;s a numbers game, I just am running out of ideas on how to increase the numbers.<p>The apps don&#x27;t work for me. I get at most 3~4 dates a year out of them. It&#x27;s better than zero but not by much.
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pizza234over 2 years ago
&gt; Dating apps just make it easy to connect with potential matches (relative to not having dating app burnouts)<p>I don&#x27;t know what&#x27;s the universal experience regarding this, but for me and other people I know, males are extreme disadvantage in the context of dating apps; this applies also to the app that supposedly reverses the roles.<p>I have the suspicion that the elephant is the room is that for men, online dating takes many, many hours (I can&#x27;t quantify, but an hour a day or so, seems the minimum to me) of effort, often for nothing (I definitely know at least one man who&#x27;s able to game the system, but he&#x27;s an exception).<p>This is definitely a recipe for burnout, and it&#x27;s very specific to online dating . If one wants to find potential mates, any organized activity (sports, etc. - Meetup is perfect) will do; the effort to talk to a potential partner, in that case, is virtually zero.
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Taylor_ODover 2 years ago
ITT people who never used dating apps and have been married for years giving their opinion.<p>Jokes aside... Dating apps suck. Generally so does going on first dates. So does interviewing for a job. So does making new&#x2F;any friends.<p>Lots of things are hard and are a numbers game. The nice part is that HOPEFULLY you only have to hit a home run once. You don&#x27;t have to become an expert at dating. You just have to try enough to meet someone who is as weird and fucked up as you and wants to spend a lot of time being weird and fucked up together.
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fleddrover 2 years ago
Women on dating apps have ample choice and thus try to select for the top 10-20% of men on offer. Exactly the type of men that have plenty of choice themselves. It&#x27;s a kind of a too good to be true deal. You should assume that the very top of men would normally already be taken. They may not have the right motives to be this available. And even if the motive is genuine, you yourself should be an exceptionally attractive woman yourself, in one way or another.<p>The other 80% of men are pretty much ignored. As a counter reaction, they deploy a dragnet approach. Spamming many low effort messages as any love is good love.<p>Painting with a broad brush here, obviously.
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sgjohnsonover 2 years ago
I can’t relate. I found a long-term relationship on Tinder. I found my wife on Tinder. Not to mention the countless flings. The key is to be honest about what you’re looking for (though I found my wife when I “wasn’t looking for anything in particular”)<p>&gt; Abby, 28, has been on dating apps for eight years […]. A committed user, she can easily spend two or more hours a day piling up matches, […]. Not a single long-term relationship has blossomed from her efforts.<p>Perhaps if you can’t find what you’re looking for in 8 years and 6000+ man-hours, the problem is you?
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quacksilverover 2 years ago
Is it the dating app that is responsible, or that people&#x2F;prospective dates have became much more disposable in general, and no-one really cares?<p>You probably want to date people in the top 5 or 10% of your target sex&#x2F;gender&#x2F;age range. As does everyone else in the expanded pool that people can now access with the internet or the apps. Everyone has probably been told by the apps that they can get someone in the top 5 or 10% of what is available to them, so will feel unhappy with anyone else.<p>Most women will probably notice this as guys will only want to have sex with them if they are not what guys have been told they &#x27;deserve&#x27; by the apps &#x2F; society, or guys may settle for them if they are content with getting sex. A few will be able to optimally choose a guy or get all of the casual sex that they desire.<p>Most guys will probably find that no-one wants to connect with them at all without payment, or getting something out of the deal or will be treated as if they don&#x27;t exist. Things are probably really bad if they are in the bottom 10 to 30% in desirability. A few will be able to optimally choose a woman or get all of of casual sex that they desire.<p>I am not sure about subcultures &#x2F; non-cis &#x2F; non-het groups or situations outside my country as I don&#x27;t have experience of dating them and don&#x27;t know how things work.
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captainmuonover 2 years ago
I am glad to have been in a relationship for all the Tinder years, so I don&#x27;t have firsthand experience. But I know quite a few people who have become miserable from dating apps. For some, using the apps become a compulsion and they stay up for hours, swiping endlessly, obsessing over their profiles or their potential matches.<p>Then it changes dating a lot. Before, you often people from your extended social circle. You met people at your hobbies, at uni or even work, or when going out. You could ask common acquaintances to check someone out. And you had at least some kind of social connection.<p>And dating apps remove all ambiguity. You are not in an innocent everyday situation where you happen to like somebody, you start flirting and you move closer and see what happens. It is clear from the beginning that you are both there looking for something. I would find that immensely stressful, everything becomes a performance. I can&#x27;t flirt &quot;on cue&quot; and I&#x27;ve heard the same from other people.<p>I wonder how modern dating would look like if the financial incentives of the app company was not the main driver. Maybe you&#x27;d have some &quot;neutral&quot; social network that people use IRL where dating was just an emergent side function? But maybe I&#x27;m biased because that&#x27;s how online dating looked like in my early 20s?
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c7DJTLrnover 2 years ago
I tried Tinder and Bumble for about a month and they made me feel like shit. I&#x27;m a living breathing person and I have to reduce myself into a short text description and some perfect pictures. I don&#x27;t even take selfies so I&#x27;m already faking it! The whole concept is just vain and feels disgusting.<p>I&#x27;ve simply accepted that I&#x27;m going to be single unless something dramatic happens in my life.
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bradlysover 2 years ago
As usual with all these trite dating app articles - not a single heterosexual man is represented. It’s always the plight of gay men, straight women, and so forth. Often for these groups - they have abundant choice and are just unable to settle down with the idea they won’t get to date an Instagram model.<p>For most straight men - dating apps are a form of purgatory and Sisyphusian efforts. The difference is so starkly different compared to all of the other people I know who aren’t straight men. Only straight men I know who don’t have these issues tend to be incredibly physically attractive to the point where they’d have women come up to ask them out on dates everyday. (Unheard of for an average man)<p>My advice is to pickup activities where women are and that have a natural social element. There are almost none of these btw. Social dancing is about the only one that exists still. The rest of activities out there that are social and involve meeting new people are completely dominated by men. Just brutally so. Most women I know don’t go out to meet new people via social activities like dancing. They go to insular parties, hang out with core group of friends, or stay home and watch Netflix. Very few are truly outgoing and willing to take the leap and meet new people by themselves. I can count on maybe one hand all the women I’ve met who are like that - and I’ve met thousands.
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jononomoover 2 years ago
In my area (Lancaster, PA) the quality of women on Tinder is ridiculously low -- basically 100% of them are overweight single mothers without a college education who put cat ears and sparkles on their profile pictures. I have basically no choice but to move.
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10g1kover 2 years ago
I was single for a ridiculously long time. Now I&#x27;m not.<p>1) &quot;Looks shouldn&#x27;t matter!&quot; But they do. You don&#x27;t need to be a model, but you probably need to be more healthy. I went to the gym almost every morning (missed about 3 days) for a year, got in better shape, etc. Now use a home gym.<p>2) Be less judgemental. Log, splinter, eye, etc. You&#x27;re not perfect, so don&#x27;t expect her to be.<p>3) Don&#x27;t be argumentative. The Internet trains western internerds to be argumentative little snots. It&#x27;s pathetic. Just don&#x27;t be like that.<p>4) Ignore the crazy twitter feminists. Actual women like to feel appreciated and respected. Ask about her field of expertise, her hobbies, etc, and appreciate her expertise in those areas.<p>5) Stay away from chicks with high bodycount. They are a health risk at the very least. If she doesn&#x27;t respect her body and yours, you&#x27;re not safe.<p>6) Have goals and work at advancing your life.
andreykover 2 years ago
&quot;“People just get fatigued. They get overwhelmed with the whole dating process,” said Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who is a senior research fellow with the Kinsey Institute and chief science adviser to Match.com.&quot;<p>I don&#x27;t think this is dating app burnout, this is just dating burnout. Dating apps just make it easy to connect with potential matches (relative to not having dating app burnouts). And if you have dating burnout, take a break from dating! It&#x27;s nice to just be ok with being single sometimes and enjoy other aspects of life.<p>&quot;Before she deleted the apps, she spent any moments of downtime swiping; after, she found she had time throughout the day to rest. ... But Dr. Turban believes that for some, simply deleting the apps is not enough. “It’s important to understand why the apps are causing problems for you,” he said, adding that therapists can be helpful for sorting these answers out. “Are you using the apps to self-soothe anxiety and inadvertently making your anxiety worse? Are you afraid you can’t attain love, so you’re settling for hookups, and that’s making you unhappy?” ... “People binge, and that is what exhausts them,” &quot;<p>Now this does represent burnout of dating apps, and is a result of just not using them with patience and reflection as to the emotions you associate with them.<p>I generally view dating apps very positively (they, and in particular OkCupid, have led to numerous good relationships and friends) but as with anything it&#x27;s possible to use them in an unhealthy way.
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nightlyhawkover 2 years ago
It&#x27;s crazy how detrimental dating apps like Hinge has been for my mental health these last 6-8 months. I&#x27;m relatively pretty good-looking as an early 20s male and I&#x27;ve been on multiple dates but women always have the opportunity to &quot;find someone better&quot;. I haven&#x27;t been able to find a serious partner at all and I might be due to how long I have been out of the dating game but all this liking and swiping makes me so self-conscious and insecure.<p>I&#x27;ve also started balding since I was 20 and it puts that much more pressure on me to find someone through these apps. It&#x27;s so unhealthy but I don&#x27;t know what to do anymore. Male pattern baldness is a horrible disease especially since it is genetic and not something that can necessarily be stopped, just slowed down by medications that aren&#x27;t even effective for me, lol. I hate to think like this but it makes me mad that there are unhealthy and overweight individuals out there with great genetics and I&#x27;m just sitting here losing my hair at an unfair age even though I&#x27;m very health-conscious and fit.<p>I know for a fact I will have no luck with dating apps if I shave my head and go bald in my early 20s and I might as well give up now. At least when I know that when I go bald by 25 or 26, I can at least delete the apps and maybe I will feel relieved?(probably not)
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claytongulickover 2 years ago
I don&#x27;t know whether to laugh or cry when I hear women bemoaning the lack of &quot;good guys&quot; on dating apps.<p>Inevitably when I ask them about their height filters they look at me like I&#x27;m dumb and say &quot;oh, only 5&#x27; 11&quot; or above, duh&quot;.<p>My wife, who is 5&#x27; 2&quot; told me she did the same thing and would have never met me online (I&#x27;m 5&#x27; 9&quot; in tall boots).
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dendritiover 2 years ago
One major issue driving the dissatisfaction with dating apps may be that a truly satisfied customer stops being a customer.
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yamrzouover 2 years ago
<a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;archive.ph&#x2F;b2aky" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;archive.ph&#x2F;b2aky</a>
stayfrosty420over 2 years ago
&gt;She recommends that app users stop scrolling and talking to other matches once they have found nine people they feel some level of connection with, and dedicate their time to really trying to get to know those people first.<p>That really seems like quite a lot to me...
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gaddersover 2 years ago
I&#x27;ve been married coming up on 20 years, so I&#x27;m well out of the game. I do however see a lot memes, tiktok videos from women about &quot;creepy men&quot; daring to ask them out in real life.<p>I&#x27;m sure some men are creeps, but if you don&#x27;t want people to speak to you in real life, then apps are your only option.
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alistairSHover 2 years ago
Maybe I&#x27;m just yelling at clouds here, but my reaction was &quot;no shit.&quot;<p>I met my wife at a running club. Of my friend group, most met while active in sports or other activities. A few were introduced by common friends on a &quot;you might like so-and-so&quot; basis. And a few met in college. I&#x27;m only aware of two couples in my extended friend group who met using dating apps - and both of those were premium subscription models, not freebie Tinder-like apps.<p>Dating apps strike me as a very low-quality (low fidelity?) way to match couples.
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benknight87over 2 years ago
Leaving the US five years ago and moving to Southeast Asia provided a swift solution to all of my dating problems.
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martin_aover 2 years ago
&gt; “I just feel burned out,”<p>Same, same.<p>Been on and off dating apps for about 6-7 years now. Trying a new one like every quarter or so, quitting it after 6 months, frustrated by the whole experience. Giving it a new try at the beginning of each year, because &quot;new year, new chances&quot; or something like that.<p>I know that as an obese person I do not work well with what most people are looking for, but the &quot;no answer at all&quot;-cases are still hurting. Rejections are &quot;fine&quot; (kind of), but no answer at all really fucks my brain up, even after all those years.<p>Online dating is strange. There are fast-paced online dynamics, combined with our hormones, deeply-rooted human wishes, gamification elements and &quot;pay2win&quot;-stuff. Things that should not be thrown together are totally thrown together and we never learned how to handle that. At least I didn&#x27;t.
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info781over 2 years ago
Learn to play tennis. Take some lessons, don&#x27;t worry if you are not very good. I guarantee you will meet someone, guy or girl. It is a great social activity that you can&#x27;t do alone.
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cjbgkaghover 2 years ago
I see people making obvious mistakes on these apps. Probably the worst is narrowly defining what you want and telling everyone else to ‘swipe left’. These apps give you an elo rating (maybe not exactly elo but same idea). So if someone with a low rating swipes left on your profile it really tanks your own elo score. So profiles need to have broad appeal in order to obtain and maintain a high elo score.
anotherevanover 2 years ago
“As a coffee lover I downloaded the Grindr app. Needless to say it did not go well.”
meristemover 2 years ago
Maybe the problem starts with talking about grown women using &quot;girls&quot;.
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testmasterflexover 2 years ago
If you are physically unattractive and introverted you will not have a good profile and end up not getting any matches and success.<p>For those people I recommend hitting the gym, getting a tan and optionally bleaching your teeth. This alone will bump up your attraction level a lot + you will feel healthier.
pcbro141over 2 years ago
Is it just me or are most of these mainstream media dating articles written from a woman&#x27;s perspective? I rarely see mainstream media discussing the struggles of modern dating from a straight man&#x27;s perspective.
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JamesAdirover 2 years ago
Many great comments but no one addressed major issue. As a single, straight male, these apps are useless for people over 40. I&#x27;ve used to had a good amount of matches and it stopped at 41. Women between 30-40 which I&#x27;ve been previously dated successful, just don&#x27;t go there. The only ones that are looking for this range are women over 50. That&#x27;s really made me sad and nervous for a while, but when I finally accepted this I&#x27;ve moved on and stopped using all the apps together.
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jonatronover 2 years ago
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LesZedCBover 2 years ago
people aren&#x27;t commodities and dating apps juxtapose humans with all other online shopping.<p>the medium is the message here. you scroll to find a new set of pans, and a new partner.<p>not sustainable or humane.
herbstover 2 years ago
I hate these apps and I&#x27;ve tried a lot of them. However without I wouldn&#x27;t have my wonderful partner.<p>We had been at the same party, we exchanged looks but nothing happened. Only a week or so later I checked a profile on some app with the most stupid intro ever &#x27;i think I know you, have we seen?&#x27; and bam nearly 6 years later we are still together.
scotuswroteusover 2 years ago
I&#x27;m really looking forward to know what hacker news thinks about dating. I definitely come here specifically to escape the rest of the internet, where no one talks about dating. &#x2F;s
blitzarover 2 years ago
&gt; The toll of dating app burnout<p>Friction burn from too much shagging is real?
blippageover 2 years ago
The article is behind a paywall, so I&#x27;m just going to just say the experiences I have heard from other people. I have never been on a dating app.<p>The problem seems to stem from an imbalance of the sexes. Men have found it a soul-crushing experience. Women get an abundance of matches, whilst men rarely get any. There are a few men that get an overwhelming majority of matches, the rest get nothing. It&#x27;s winner-takes-all as far as the men go. Even that seems to be narrowing. Attractive men who would have gotten dates easily in the past find it increasingly difficult.<p>This would seem great for the ladies, but they seem to face the paradox of choice. With so many good prospects to choose from they have difficulty deciding which one to go for. The result is that all choices seem mediocre. There is a YT vid out there where a US-based Asian male model went onto a dating app. He described the process as brutal. And this is from a good-looking man. His major crime was to be an ethnic.<p>This seems to feed a further decline. The men try to strike up conversations, only to receive one-word answers from the women. The women put in zero effort because, hey, why would they, there is a plethora of suitors to choose from. Except that that&#x27;s not how meaningful relationships work. There has to be effort from both parties.<p>This leads to men putting in less effort as they realise the futility of the exercise. The women complain that men aren&#x27;t making any effort, and demurring on things like taking women to dinner and paying for it. After all, why would a man do this when the payoff isn&#x27;t likely to be worth it?<p>And that&#x27;s why dating apps are such a sh*tshow.
reportgunnerover 2 years ago
What even is a dating app burnout.
vlodover 2 years ago
TLDR: stop trying to date and make yourself more interesting that potentials will want to date.<p>It might be worth thinking about this the opposite way.<p>Would you want to go out with someone who is so boring that all they do is sit around watching TV and swiping on dating apps?<p>A lot of comments here (it&#x27;s a numbers game, pay for premium, other &quot;tricks&quot;), is IMHO trying to shortcut&#x2F;hack the system and is unlikely to get anywhere (or extremely hard). You want to rethink what everyone thinks is the &quot;modern&quot; way to date and do what&#x27;s worked for 1000&#x27;s of years.<p>Interesting people with a wide range of interests and passions will not have problems. They will also have a network of like minding people and most likely don&#x27;t use dating apps. It&#x27;s worth trying to get into those circles.<p>Here&#x27;s some tips:<p>- Stop using apps, you&#x27;re being lazy&#x2F;boring and unattractive to a partner. Put in the work.<p>- Most importantly stop looking to date. People can tell you&#x27;re desperate and it&#x27;s extremely unattractive. Stop asking everyone you see with a pulse out for coffee or drinks. Be friendly and someone who&#x27;s approachable to have an interesting conversation with, without worrying about the risk of being hit upon. I think women really take notice when people do NOT hit on them and just &#x27;nice&#x27;.<p>- Work is off limits. If there are social events be friendly&#x2F;charming, but never hit on. If they have friends they will introduce you as a &#x27;nice guy&#x27;. If you&#x27;re creepy you&#x27;ll never get into their circle.<p>- Make yourself more interesting (as other have suggested). Join sport teams, tech meetups, volunteer to help FOOs. Go to art galleries, small music events etc. Do NOT go here to date. Go to be a a more interesting person. If you see a cute person nearby, say something witty or ask their opinion about a painting your both looking at, a sculpture, the bands latest album etc.. (briefly, then disengage, SUPER important). Do not go full throttle and ask them out for coffee&#x2F;drinks. The idea is to make yourself more comfortable talking to potentials and seem interesting w&#x2F;o being creepy. It&#x27;s a skill you have to develop. You can do this everywhere, at grocery stores, bars, museums. Interaction should not be more than 30 secs (no really). This prevents the creepy aspect. Again, you&#x27;re trying to come across as non creepy and just want their opinion on the best salsa for tacos and move along.<p>- Increase your network of friends in the circles you want. If you friends just smoke weed and play video games that&#x27;s not ideal. If you&#x27;re friends play tennis, go to museums, music... great. If not find how you can get into them.<p>Some base tips (that you should be doing that you might not think is important, but helps with the above). This is obvious stuff, but somehow people have forgotten the the basics.<p>- Shower and wear clean clothes when you go out for an event. Maybe I have a better sense of smell, but the amount of bad smells I get from people is ridiculous.<p>- Shave. Most beards and hair fluff just looks silly and scruffy. If you face doesn&#x27;t look kissable, it just makes everything else harder. If there&#x27;s a group of men, you&#x27;ll stand out with a clean face. Note: this is a great way to talk to people in bars. Go up to a group of the opposite sex. (becz they will feel comfortable and less intimidating) and say &quot;My male friends all tell me that women prefer beards. I&#x27;m looking to date again and since I&#x27;m not going to hit on any of you, it would be really valuable to get some honest feedback from some good looking women.&quot; Important &quot;DO NOT HIT ON THEM&quot;, be genuine and charming. After they provide feedback, thank them and walk away. Most likely they won&#x27;t approach you as they are in a group and just want to chat with each other, but if they do, they will be able to find you.<p>- Do NOT wear after-shave. Really it makes people gag and want to run away.<p>- Go to the gym, run, get some dumbbells, long walks, whatever. Everyone could lose 10 pounds and it WILL make you feel more confident.<p>- Don&#x27;t be a scruffy dresser. No need to go overboard, but you can go far with a nice shirt, clean jeans and SHOES (not fancy, but with black socks). Women seems to notice shoes. All this WILL make you stand out in a group in a &quot;care&#x27;s about their appearance but not a fop.<p>- Don&#x27;t have bad breath. Yeah, it&#x27;s ridiculous for it to be said.<p>- Don&#x27;t smoke&#x2F;vape. I know people will have strong opinions, but it REALLY makes your breath smell. I can&#x27;t even be around people of the same sex who do this. YMMV.
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