I have been going on a similar journey. My childhood was trauma over and over again. I learned to cope but those skills no longer serve me at 45. It seems you have been much more literal about "connecting with your inner child". I suppose there are many ways to do this. Good luck with your journey. I appreciate the struggle.
Maybe there's something in this essay by LeGuin that helps.<p><a href="https://www.ursulakleguin.com/blog/91-the-inner-child-and-the-nude-politician" rel="nofollow">https://www.ursulakleguin.com/blog/91-the-inner-child-and-th...</a>
As someone who has recently started therapy, I really do feel what you are saying.
What I started wondering now is how different my life may have turned out would I have been smart enough to get therapy in my 20s.
It turns out, the amount of things we normalize during childhood with our 5 year old brain is astounding. You don’t even have to be a bad parent. Just lough at your toddler a few to many times when they fall down and they might just end up feeling worthless until they are 35.