The other day, I was thinking about how important a good handyman is for my mental health. I used to fix things myself, but spending all my free time doing home repair was withdrawing from the limited bank account of my personal sanity. Having the house broken open for months while I picked away at it after work and on weekends was bad for morale, too. And doing the work myself was sometimes dispiriting rather than empowering—If someone else makes a mistake, even if I'm paying them, I can for whatever reason tolerate that with less frustration than when I screw up myself. Accepting that I am lucky enough to have a surplus of money that I can exchange for time and serenity was a big step for me. My conclusion was that cultivating a relationship with a good handyman is of as much value for me as any other long term service relationship: doctor, therapist, waitress, barista, etc. So, even though I'm not married and not having relationship angst <i>per se</i>, this article makes sense to me through that reinterpretation.
Related: At the beginning of my career I jumped around from startup to startup doing hardware, firmware, mobile, web dev, blockchain, Alexa/Google Home, and then started consulting. Then my client pool dried up during the pandemic. When I started at my current job 3 years ago, I decided I will stay put for a while and resist the urge to look for something "better". I wanted to take on more responsibility and learn what it is like to build software and maintain it for years to come. There are some valuable lessons I learned from doing that. The world runs on the backbone of people who are willing to stay put.
Whoever shared this article, thanks! So much truth. 'New' feels good at the moment of buying, but more often than not, "struggling & repairing" feels so much better afterwards. Oh the toilet doesn't flush well anymore or it keeps taking water... no problem, I know how to fix it since I did it before. Oh the kid' s sword is broken, let's fix it together! My fiancee seems unsatisfied with how I acted at the table yesterday... honey tell me what's wrong, we can talk it through.
I think the key difference in this analogy that needs to be acknowleded is that in a house repair, the owner of the house needs to want the repairs, and agree to pay for them. You can decided to stay in a relationship and try and fix it but unless the other person is also willing to try and fix it too, you're not going to get anywhere.
For the most part, "repair and remain" is very good advice, but there's a small but significant percentage where it's the opposite of what you should do. Sometimes you live in a building that's ready for teardown and you should leave (metaphorically and literally).
100%. As I've gotten older, the things that have given me the most satisfaction are those that take place over a long time.<p>It's kind of like planting trees - it can take a while to see the fruit, but then it keeps on giving with some ongoing maintenance.<p>In my life, my significant other, my career, and financials are those areas I heavily invested early on, and a decade on they are quite strong. I still struggle, but when I take a step back, I can see these are very good and feel grateful.<p>There were many times I have been tempted to leave. But I kept an eye on the big picture, what would leaving really change for me? And the answer was not much, I am still me (as noted in the article).<p>On the other hand, I have under invested in myself (health, hobbies, spirituality) and friends. My main struggle is working to shift my focus away from maximizing the former, and begin balancing more of the latter.<p>It's an ongoing journey :)
I enjoyed this article. As a bit of a contrast, I also recommend this article I came across yesterday, which criticizes the American idea of building a home as an isolated utopia:<p>"The Suburban Lifestyle Dream" <a href="https://www.ryanpuzycki.com/p/the-suburban-lifestyle-dream" rel="nofollow">https://www.ryanpuzycki.com/p/the-suburban-lifestyle-dream</a><p>> Even as the West has built some of the world’s most extraordinary cities, this Puritanical, anti-urban throughline runs across our culture. The desire to return to an Edenic state is a central theme in the story of how the “Suburban Lifestyle Dream” first entered our collective conscience. That dream has powered the unique pattern of suburbanization that typifies much of modern America—one marked by “stratified and segregated social geography” and “relatively low density.”
Loved this article. My two "superpowers" as a dad - superglue and new batteries. Sometimes I get to bring out the soldering iron - my wife will bring things home from Buy Nothing so I can fix it, the kids play with it for a day, and then we let it go again, but this time in working condition :)
<i>now the drain was rusted and when I went to loosen the nut, the steel sink cracked and split, but it was an old sink so I couldn’t find a matching one to replace it with, so that meant the old vanity had to go too, but that left an odd footprint on the curled, old linoleum, so then the flooring had to go too, and, well, if you’re going that far, you might as well put in a new tub.</i><p>This is a lot like those cascades of technical debt that must be overcome to fix some otherwise minor thing.
I am a lot like this guy. I would say "repair and remain" is my preferred ethos as well. But the house/marriage comparison is an oversimplification that elides a lot of <i>very common</i> situations where leaving a marriage is justified.<p>If anything about your house is broken, you can (in principle) just fix it. You don't need the house to agree or cooperate. Even if the house is burned out or full of black mold, remediation is always an option, subject only to the resources you can bring to bear.<p>I dunno. It's tiresome to put qualifiers and disclaimers on everything. MAYBE in an article by a white Anglican Canadian small-business owner (such as myself except for the Anglican part), it just goes without saying that if your partner is a threat to you or your children's safety, or if there is a huge power imbalance at play, or if your partner simply refuses to join you in the work of repair, leaving is often justified.<p>But then again, as someone who grew up sheltered in a similar community and naively assuming that divorce was stupid and selfish 100% of the time, I tend to think those qualifiers would do more good than harm.
Several people here are saying something like "Life is too short to be miserable. Get out and be happy."<p>I tried that. In the span of a month we had a newborn, I lost my job, the market went into the worst recession since the Great Depression. Later I lost another job and we had to short-sell our house.<p>We got a divorce and it wasn't because of any of those things (though, they did influence it). It was because my default was to run away from my problems.<p>Funny thing; the divorce didn't eliminate the stress. It just moved it around in my body and mind and led to near constant anger, anxiety, and panic spasms. I went to see a therapist who taught me to be present with what I'm feeling. (He practiced Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, for anyone interested) I did that in earnest and one day about six months after starting therapy I realized what a mistake I had made in giving up on my marriage.<p>I reached out and we were able to repair the relationship and we've been back together for over ten years now, thankfully. We're closer than ever. I don't recommend that particular method of repairing a relationship, by the way. ;)<p>It hasn't always been easy since we got back together but, it has been worth it. We were talking the other day--we talk a lot, important!--and we both agreed that at the start of our relationship, our feelings for each other were very intense. Now that we've been together for over twenty years (with a short "We were on a break!" in the middle) we find that the intensity of our love for each other isn't the same but it is so much deeper than it was at the start and only grows more so the more we're together. We realized that you can only get that if you stay and work on the relationship.
I cannot overrecommend marriage counseling. (And if you have kids, make sure the counselor has their own kids. It matters a lot.) We tend to devise all manner of distortions about how our spouse really feels, and fear saying things that need to be said. It literally saved my marriage.<p>The reason it has a poor track record IMHO is what this guy is saying about the nail clipper: don't let the problems fester. Oncologists can only save people who are diligent about doing their cancer screenings to catch problems early.
Beautiful view. When you have faith, really, you have everything. all that's left are liabilities when you don't. It's the heavy lift. such sparse and honest writing, I often forget pastors are usually really good at that.
> <i>But a brand-new house won’t fix your troubles any more than a fresh start with a fascinating new somebody will.</i><p>With full-grown adults (ie 27-28+), there is rarely such a thing as a fixer-upper. If you’re unhappy with your fully adult partner, cut and run. Life is short and opportunity cost is real. You are doing them and yourself no favors.
DIY is good if this is part of your life plan. Otherwise it's a distraction.<p>We live in civilization for a reason; different people specialize in different tasks so that overall, we all can enjoy our lives more.<p>In other words, except for simple little things, don't make me fix my bathroom: there are people who do this faster and better than me, but NO ONE is going to fix bugs in my software for me. To each his own.
I love the feeling I get when I recycle or repurpose something that would have been trash into something useful. Especially if it becomes even more beautiful from its past patina.<p>This can go too far and put you in a cycle of spending all of your time tending jank (and lowing your quality bar). It's a fine edge to walk. but that pleasure hit that most people get from buying stuff, it doesn't work for me. Buying new things often makes me feel guilty. Re-using or repurposing something though... for me it's one of the best highs there is.
You only have about 70 years on this earth, out of which only about 50 are healthy and independent. Don't waste them being miserable. Don't waste your partner's time either.
This reminds me, syntactically and conceptually, of the philosophy of parkour I was introduced to when I began practising it during uni.<p>"Être et durer" - to be and to endure. Train for the future, sustainably, without ruining your body.<p>And, "être fort pour être utile" - be strong to be useful. Parkour (as opposed to freerunning) emphasizes the goal, movement, reaching or escaping.
The "Comment" magazine looks nice, nowadays I don't see many appealing printed magazines. I wonder if there are print publications out there on technical subjects that interest me.
> <i>Same with pastoring: no point thinking you need a brand-new life, but, well, let’s not kid around—you could use some serious updates and upgrades yourself.</i><p>This is the core presumption of the arrogance of the christian faith. The very concept that mankind is inherently flawed, always in need of cosmic repair from some imaginary being.<p>If that isn’t the epitome of a toxic and pathological worldview, I don’t know what is.<p>Literally everything good in this life was conceived of and created by mankind.
> I can help you with that—demolition, framing, reworking the plumbing, moving some electrical, installing some mould-resistant drywall, maybe some nice tile for the floor and some classic glazed ceramic three-by-six subway tile for the tub surround. Should take a month or two, depending on what all’s involved.<p>A month or two?! To re-do a bathroom? You say this like you're proud of it. I wouldn't. Accounting for drywall mudding and drying it should take a week, where most of the work happens in 2 days, on the weekend. Maybe you need 2 more days, the next weekend. Hell, take the other end of that weekend too.<p>1-2 month quotes is why I don't hire contractors, why I fix my own cars, and only use a personal friend for HVAC help.