How I Blew My Marriage

<i>Never argue in front of the kids</i><p>You know, I have some experience with this. I had a friend in college that had parents that never once argued in front of him. Not once. This guy was completely unable to resolve any conflicts. You know what? People learn conflict resolution by watching others, and that goes for kids.<p>To give more details about my friend, he was a really nice guy, but he avoided confrontation like the plague. The problem is, you can only avoid it for so long. When he finally did get into it with anyone, he would literally start to fall apart. It drove him to drink and eventually most of his relationships fell apart and he became a binge drinker/alcoholic. He ended up dropping out of school and disappeared from the face of the earth. He drunk dialed me years later and left a message on my answering machine (without any details about where he was). A very, very sad situation.<p>I'm not saying everyone will react like this, but that watching an argument be properly resolved is a good thing for a kid to see.

Most of these suggestions can be summarized as "don't be selfish".<p>My own approach is to consider the relationship as something somewhat separate from yourself. You like/love the relationship, and it fulfills you in one way or another, so do what it takes to maintain it. Sometimes that means "spending" some of your own ego.

I am guilty of a few of these myself, with the notable exception of financial stingyness (if anything, I am overly generous to her which could be a bad trait as far as <i>my</i> quality of life is concerned) and failing to look my best (I'm not the most attractive guy in the world, dressing in nice clothes and doing my hair makes me feel good about me.)<p>To add to this, I think the only way to not ruin a relationship is to listen to the person, often and with honest intentions. People tend to be saying something straight to your face which you have a habit of missing, I know this is my experience, but I've found that since I stopped talking <i>at</i> her and starting talking <i>with</i> her our relationship has improved in leaps and bounds.<p>Though I suppose like almost anything, you improve with iteration, I hope you take your mistakes and what you have learned and better apply them in your next relationship, thanks for sharing this with us, it made me realise some of my own flaws.<p>~<p>Comment: Wow, this flew up to the first page, looks like these flaws must be pretty common, or general enough to seem common, anyway.

I found this a curiously cold, superficial approach to loving another person.<p>A relationship isn't a software program, or a car. You can't apply discrete rules, algorithms or workflows and assume it'll stay in tip-top condition. You can't debug it, either. Not in a discretely logical way.<p>This other person who is your more-than-equal, who still gives you butterflies, and who you respect so much that you've entered into a partnership with them with both your <i>lives</i>? Treat them like that. Be open, be responsive to their emotional needs, and be communicative about yours. Like any partnership, don't enter into it lightly; it's okay to take your time. Take them for who they are, and make sure they're taking you for who you are. Turn a blind eye to nothing, but be sure of your priorities. And don't take any of it for granted.

I would add this:<p>Have a short memory for negative stuff and a really long memory for positive things. Some people have a tendency to do the reverse, and it is really toxic to relationships.

This site somehow brings my Firefox 16.0.1 on Ubuntu to its knees -- 100% CPU usage, window goes dark -- every time I try to view it. It literally raised the temperature in the room trying to render it.

I think number 12 is the most important. Having fun. (Or even just planning to do fun stuff).<p>If that stops happening, you are in trouble.

Now <i>that</i> is what I call an accurate headline. Those are indeed 16 fabulous ways to screw up a marriage.

<i>Don’t poop with the bathroom door open.</i><p>What? Who does this? Why would this ever be ok?

Missing one of the most important ones of all.<p>And #10--really?

Hacker News indeed...<p>3 pages? Really??

/r/midlyinteresting is that way.

For people (like me) who hate pagination:<p><pre><code> 1. Don't stop holding her hand 2. Don't stop trying to be attractive 3. Don't always point out her weaknesses 4. Don't stop cooking for her 5. Don't yell at your spouse 6. Don't call names 7. Don't be stingy with your money 8. Don't argue in front of the kids 9. Don't encourage each other to skip working out 10. Don't poop with the bathroom door open 11. Don't stop kissing her 12. Don't stop having fun together 13. Don't pressure each other 14. Don't label each other with negative labels 15. Don't skip out on things that are important to her 16. Don't emotionally distance yourself after a fight </code></pre> Having wrecked a good number of serious relationships in my time, I really feel those are just symptoms of underlying problems that can't be corrected by adhering to lists. There seem to be categories of things going wrong and a lot of these points are redundant in that context. Maybe the message should not be primarily that relationships require work, but that they often need to run better algorithms. People need to make more of an effort to see the world through their partners' eyes, but they also need to establish a clearer understanding about their own goals and feelings.<p>Holding hands (1), cooking for each other (4), kissing (11), having fun (12) - those are kind of obvious relationship indicators and they should not be items on a to do list. If they don't happen there are underlying causes such as lack of time, stress, apathy, or a general lack of affection.<p>Making an effort to be desirable (2), working out (9), not pooping publicly (10, WTF?!?) are general maintenance problems related to attractiveness, and they're kind of obvious.<p>The highly redundant items pertaining to not being a total dick (3, 5, 6, 13, 14) look like they might happen increasingly when the relationship has already entered failure mode.<p>Emotional distance (16) is <i>what you're supposed to feel</i> after a serious fight. Effort should go into addressing the issues leading to the fight, as well as the behavior of both people during the actual confrontation. If you feel distance after the "battle", that means the war is not over and you have a serious problem there that can't be addressed by simply forcing yourself to not feel distant anymore.<p>Finally, 15, skipping out on activities that are important to your partner. Well, I think it's important that both partners remain full individuals even during a relationship. Shared interests and activities are great, and it does make sense to attend stuff for the sake of your better half sometimes. However, if there are things one party doesn't like to do <i>at all</i>, there should always be a way to opt out peacefully. Attending stuff you don't like won't do anyone any favors in the long run, it's not healthy or sustainable.