Maybe the notion of "total motherhood" is the problem? If those mums wouldn't feel the need to "hover" above their kids every second, perhaps they would be less stressed out?<p>Where I live there is some pressure to give your kid to kindergarden at age one (three used to be normal). We ended up giving our kid to kindergarden at age two, because we somehow convinced ourselves it would be good for his social development.<p>But the overall feeling is: he is disappearing from our lives way too fast. Now he is in kindergarden most of the time (except afternoons and weekends). Then it will be school, and today's kids seem to be pretty stressed out with that. After school kids tend to move out, we are lucky if he even stays in the same city or country.<p>I think if you don't enjoy your kids, there tend to be options. Giving them up for adoption would be the most radical, before that there is kindergarden and boarding schools (admittedly they cost money).<p>I get that not everybody enjoys their kids, but I still feel sorry for those people. For me it is the best thing that ever happened to me. It makes me angry that society takes it for granted that as a normal dad I would not even see my kid much during the week, because I would be working in an office.<p>Also for all those mums longing to work, I wonder what jobs do they have? In my personal biased opinion, most jobs suck. Perhaps they just imagine work life to be much more glorious than it really is?<p>If what this article said is true and many people are so eager to give up their kids, I actually think the state should make that possible. Must be hell to grow up with parents who hate you.
Having a kid is like changing the difficulty level of life from "Normal" to "Hardcore". Unlike video games, there is no switching back.<p>So be sure you are committed and finished with playing on the "Normal" setting. You'll probably want to have high stats in Maturity, Communication and Patience. Oh, and your relationship is going to lose HP.
The article title is off--the article seems to focus more on a woman not wanting to be domestic as being totally normal, but doing or being so is not accepted in American society.<p>They miss the opposite stigma, which I've noticed--being a young mother who wants to be domestic is often pooh poohed on.
I was intrigued by the opening paragraphs up until she got to:<p>"Because no matter how many different kinds of public images women see of themselves, they're still limited. They're still largely white, straight upper-middle-class depictions, and they all still identify women as mothers or non-mothers.<p>American culture can't accept the reality of a woman who does not want to be a mother. It goes against everything we've been taught to think about women and how desperately they want babies. If we're to believe the media and pop culture, women -- even teen girls -- are forever desperate for a baby. It's our greatest desire. "<p>You cannot assert things like and not provide evidence. This is a gargantuan statement about society that is left totally unsupported. I think this is a very bad habit of people in the humanities and it needs to go away before I take this kind of criticism seriously.
I have a strong association of a desire to have children with good times. Plenty. Safety. Relief. An aversion to children is a sign of bad times. Turmoil. War.<p>It's part of our stories and our mythologies. The heros return from war bringing safety and bounty. Pair up and rase children. I suspect this is part of our biology.<p>How much of this has always been. How much of it is a result of our present world.
My wife is pregnant with our first child and here is what we are going through right now:<p>- Financial budgeting and planning. Our expenses are going to go up by about $1500 (NYC metropolitan area)<p>- Everyday, we struggle through talking about what we need to buy for the baby, should we do this, should we do that ?<p>- Are we going to be good parents ? Will our kid turn out ok ?<p>- We are not going to have any more time for ourselves. Forget those dinner and movie nights out. Forget about socializing outside especially for the first few months ?<p>- Will I get time to work on my side projects etc. at all ? It is so hard right now and with the baby, it might be even more difficult.<p>Now, if I had to choose between not having a child so that all the above issues disappear OR having a child, I would go for the child in a heartbeat. The point is that you can always justify why not to want/have kids, but I strongly believe (my opinion) that you will be missing out on one of the greatest gifts of god if you don't have them i.e. children. Just my 2 cents.
Don't let the naysayers discourage you. Having and raising kids is one of the most wonderful experiences you can have in your life. yes, it is incredibly difficult, painful at times. But it is all worth it.<p>I strongly believe that if kids turn out bad, their parents should be blamed for the <i>most</i> part if not all.
I think it's less frowned upon here in Europe.<p>Who want's to miss 10-15 years of her life anyway ? All the personal projects, travels, parties, etc.<p>As the article says, we spend most of our live trying to avoid it. So now, to have a child is an active decision. You go out of your way, it doesn't just happen. So it must be a project that you should be able to justify, a rational decision. Show me your decision grid, advantages/drawbacks, etc.<p>No really, what is the point at the individual level ? (I understand the point at the species level, but we don't act at the species level).<p>Pushing another human in an already overcrowded planet ? Forcing him to pay for you when you will be old ?
The best thing you can do for your child is not having it.
Looking at humans as domesticated apes: We are not fixed in being pair bounding or tournament species. But the current western culture is pair bounding.<p>Its typical for pair bounding domesticated apes, that the poor and uneducated breed like rats, in the hope that one of the 9 children survives and can feed me, when I'm a grandpa. The more wealth and education someone has, the less children they have, because it makes sense to have fewer children and invest more into them.<p>Till a culture runs into the problem that the average mother has less than two children. This had been a problem for every high culture, regardless if we talk about Greeks, Romans, or later high cultures. And US is not yet at this point, because CIA tells me 2.06 children per mother, while Germany has 1.41 children per mother.<p>The solution would be to get rid of the pair bounding culture, because domesticated tournament apes have exactly the opposite children per mother distribution. Rich man have several women, and those have several children. Poor man have no women, and no children.
"Over 60 percent of the children studied were reported as planned, almost 30 percent were unplanned ("mistimed"), and 10 percent were unequivocally "unwanted." The results of Barber's research showed that the children who were unintended ... got fewer parental resources than those children who were intended. Basically, children who were unplanned didn't get as much emotional and cognitive support as children who were planned.... Across the board, children who were wanted got more from their parents than children who weren't. Children who were unplanned were also subject to harsher parenting and more punitive measures than a sibling who was intended."<p>Wonder if this effect on children is stronger or weaker than the oft-GOP-touted effect that raising a child with a mother and a father is the best way to do so -- i.e. how do planned-for children raised by single mothers compare to unplanned children raised by both fathers and mothers?
> Some cited the boredom of stay-at-home momism. Many complained of partners who didn't shoulder their share of child care responsibilities.<p>I don't have kids yet, but when and if that will happen I'll try to make sure that the mother of my kids won't ruin her career and her sense of self-worth by becoming a stay-at-home-mother. That's how I grew up, with both my parents having full-time jobs, if it was good enough for me as a kid seeing my parents happy and all I hope it will be good enough for my children.
what you're looking at here is the death throes of a civilization. Abortion on demand, free contraception, and a radicalized group that believe motherhood is slavery. But of course, what do I know? I'm 'only a man'.