A more sensible interpretation is that marriage and courtship rituals ("courtship" extended to include "casual" relationships) have a heavy culture specific component to them.<p>I had a Canadian manager (tall handsome intelligent guy) who tried applying his knowledge of how "dating" worked when he was posted to Bangalore for a year and "struck out" all the time until one day, at a party, he got drunk and asked me "Dude, how the [expletive] do you get laid hereabouts? I've been trying to get a date for 6 months and every girl says "No Thanks". I am going crazy! ".<p>So I gave him a 20 minute crash lecture in how these things worked in India (and specifically Urban India) and the appropriate moves and counter moves and what they mean and how to interpret and act on them. Needless to say these "rules" are very different from the Western "dating". To his credit he picked up the 'rules of the game' very fast and soon managed to get what he wanted.<p>When any bunch of people get dumped into a new culture, it is fair to expect that a few of them never quite pick up these nuances. Whether that is worth an article in the wsj is a different matter ;-). I could conclude (if had never been in a Western country) "These Canadians strike out all the time hyuk hyuk",and it might even make a popular article in the local paper, but then I'd still be the idiot.<p>To summarize, the Indian "dating game" has very different rules, and they don't work in the USA (and vice versa). For Hackers an analogy that works is submitting perfectly valid Haskell code to the javac compiler ;-)<p>Due Disclosure: I am Indian, have lived in the USA and had no problems "decoding" how courtship, sex and marriage worked there.
If I have learned one thing about arranged marriages from my close-knit extended family of 100+, it is that no two arranged marriages are same.<p>The ONE element that almost all arranged marriages I've seen do have in common is SOME strong referral or existing friendship between the two families. In that sense, they work a lot like VC referrals:)<p>The type of arranged marriage most common to my larger family is a love marriage. Oxymoron you say? Well, not really. What happens is the girl and guy meet(usually at school) and gradually word starts spreading. When the news makes its way to the parents, if the parents know the other family and approve of it, you are <i>usually</i> good to go. The "love marriage" is smoothly converted into an "arranged marriage". All my uncles(and my father) got married through this route.<p>I guess I am just not sure of how common the stereotype arranged marriage where a dude is forcefully dumped on a girl is. Notice all the negative connotation that is assumed by the stereotype.<p>All the while I have a few aunts who got married without having seen the guy until wedding day. This was may be 30 years ago. They are all still married and pretty happy. Lastly, with 50+ couples in my extended family in last 40 years, there have been fewer than five divorces(credit to Geni for handy stats).<p>So does this process seem weird? Hell yes. Could it result in happy marriages? Seems like it, at least for one family.
Or, maybe, here's a radical thought--the next time one of these men meets someone he likes, he could ask her out.<p>The whole arranged marriage nonsense is a blight on the Indian community. Needless to say, it often leads to loveless marriages; further, the fact that you're making life decisions based on scant information results in bizarre situations like the consultant in the article who can't find a wife because they all think consultant means unemployed.<p>I can only welcome any development that forces people to change.<p>//Indian person. Fortunately distanced from the absurdity.
I don't quite understand this attitude I've often found here of people to dissect, "try to understand", and take a swipe at what's wrong about other cultures, point out how some attributes of other cultures are so deviant and then take a higher stand, a higher ground on those issues.<p>Frankly, if you haven't been born and/or brought up in a certain culture, you simply will not be able to understand some peculiar aspects about it. Yes, there are good and the not-so-good aspects and takeaways about every culture on this planet. But I sometimes find the tone of such articles and some of the comments in this discussion not only mildly condescending but also biased. I was born and brought up in India by fairly open-minded and unorthodox parents. And so were many of my friends.<p>Correct me if I'm wrong. This is not an intelligent article, or discussion. It's in fact a very superficial look at the best. This is just an informative article and in no way representative of the large group of "Indian Men" living in the states. It beats me how the writer takes a few examples and on a respected daily as the WSJ blatantly labels it as "Indian Men Living in US Strike Out.<p>Why are we even discussing this here?
I live in the South Indian state of Kerala. Here 'arranged marriage' means parents and relatives get a chance to background-check the future partner before you do. So for a girl, this means your parents check on the boy's character , his earning potential , the way his parents made money and other related aspects. If parents are happy, a meeting is arranged.If the girl and boy likes to go forward with a relationship, they can take time to know each other.If everything goes well, proceed to marriage.<p>In short, its like dating with the fittest. All marriages in my family happened this way, and we dont have even a single case of divorce in my family.
<i>In contrast, in the U.S., "people have to even clean their own toilets,"</i><p>You know, I could easily afford to have someone clean my toilet. In fact, our receptionist offered to be my housekeeper, at good terms. But...I don't know...I just don't want 3rd parties involved in the matter. I guess it's my lower-middle class heritage thing.
A lot of people forget how recently westerns imported brides of their own. My family arrived in San Francisco from Quebec in the mid 1840s, but my grandfather (married in the late 1930s) was the first to stop importing french speaking brides. It went on for generations. Sheesh.<p>That said, I'm really, really, really glad he put an end to this little tradition of ours.
I find it shocking that some Indian men have such attitudes, despite having spent time in places like the US.<p><quote>
Given the difficulty in finding matches for Indians abroad, some matchmakers are now charging them more. Mr. Dave of Klassic Match charges a minimum fee of $100, versus $50 for candidates living in India. He charges more for specific requirements. For instance, he says some overseas Indians want a bride who is smart, fluent in English, and "simultaneously, docile in the house." He says such women are now harder to find, so he bumps up his fees for some searches.
</quote>
The submitted article mentioned an ad describing one prospect as a "brahmin boy." How pervasive is caste as a selection criterion for arranged marriages?
Coincidentally, the <i>Boston Globe Magazine</i>'s "Coupling" feature just ran an essay by an Indian attorney living in DC, who has been ashamed to admit that her parents bought a newspaper ad and arranged an introduction to the man whom she will marry this summer.<p><a href="http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2009/04/05/help_wanted_after_all/" rel="nofollow">http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2009/04/...</a>
Anybody have more stories to share about this? I am wondering how difficult a problem this is. Most of the Indians I have met in the US are all extremely competent with very good looks to match; this article was very surprising.
Fascinating article. I read a report about Chinese brides recently that found a huge dip in interest of marrying overseas. Something like 20% or 40%. I'll dig up the article if anybody is interested.
India has some weird cultural aspects that I do not find appealing personally.<p>I had an Indian friend on a H1-B who talked a lot about getting a wife that cooked and cleaned and stuff and I always asked him, "Why not just hire a maid? Probably be cheaper." He could never come up with a good response.<p>I guess these attitudes come from being raised in a culture where it's the norm. I've got another few friends who are first generation and they never talked about anything like that at all. Makes me wonder what fundamental change in Indian society will disrupt those attitudes; will a simple increase in per capita income and an equalization of the labor pool do it, or is it at a more ingrained level?