Wow, this article kind of made me gag. "...absolutely nothing on any screen that is more important than the time I spend with my kid...". Well then you should quick your job, never go out with friends, never read a book - because hey, they aren't as important as spending time with your daughter.<p>As a father of three, I've learned it's okay to drift after playing Candyland for the 10th time. It's called being human. Your child isn't some precious stone you need to admire 24 hours a day - it's okay to live your life too. And you're in trouble if they begin to feel it's your job to entertain them every minute of the day.
<i>The problem, however, is whether you like it or not, you’re still conveying the message that your screen at that moment is more important than the person you’re with.</i><p>Well, sometimes it is. And most people I know are cool with the idea that they are not the center of attention 24/7. It really depends on circumstances.<p><i>Like my baby daughter, they’re watching you behave this way. And I suspect instead of finding it perfectly “acceptable,” your companion(s) find it hurtful, annoying, or just rude, even if they’re behaving exactly the same way.</i><p>It depends. Do I do it when someone is mid-sentence? No, that's obviously rude. Do I do it if I'm hanging out shooting the shit, briefly checking mail while exchanging small-talk? Sure.<p>Unless you are overwhelmingly preoccupied with a device, no one cares.
You certainly seem to be spending a lot of time sending your child the message that she's special and important, which is admirable. Are you certain you're not overdoing it? If your child grows up always feeling like they're the most important thing in the world, they're going to grow up a spoiled brat.<p>Children should know that while they're important to you, they're not always the <i>most</i> important thing on your mind.
"The problem, however, is whether you like it or not, you’re still conveying the message that your screen at that moment is more important than the person you’re with"<p>I think this depends on the specific situation. If I'm in the middle of a sentence and someone breaks their attention to check on the noise coming from their pocket, that's going to be a problem with me. However if there is a lull in the conversation, and we're both sort of sitting around enjoying some wine, go ahead and do a phone check. I don't need 100% attention just because we're in the same room. If you have to ask permission to check your phone just because you're in the same room, do you also have to ask permission to leave the room? What about picking up a book and reading? Does that require a permission check?<p>I'm not sure why there would be a particular bias against screens. If you were at a drafting table working and your child is staring at you, I see nothing wrong with ignoring the child and continuing to work. Screen or no screen. Most of the time the child's immediate situation is <i>not</i> the most important thing in the world. She's just fine, playing and observing. I don't think we do anybody any favours by guilt tripping ourselves just because we're busy and it's rather unrealistic to have the child expect full attention from all who surrounds them.
It's easy to fall into the trap of trying to be a perfect parent, the one we had or wished we had. You can't be perfect, not even for your kids. In fact, if you try to be a perfect parent you'll probably become a bad one.<p>Kids are very resilient and understanding, and all they demand is to always be kept warm, fed and loved. All other things are less important, as long as they get some. This includes attention. It's a matter of balance, as you can't give them everything.<p>For example, it's better to provide a bit of high quality attention than a lot of low quality attention. If you are present physically but not mentally, your kids will notice. Better go, read the news or your email, and come back fresh. They won't care that much that you left, as long as you come back both physically and mentally.<p>No TV rules are great and all, but parents are human beings and sometimes need a break. It's better for the kids to have some TV and sane parents, than no TV but tired, moody and anxious parents. The TV rule is not an absolute one: some TV + present parents > no TV + nanny, for example. All this said, it's freaky to see your very active children veg in front of a screen; the least TV the better.<p>+1 on no cable. Cable is really bad for kids, as it gives you little control. If you need some break (you will) get a roku or apple TV and put some youtube videos of kiddie songs (google barefoot books, for example). At least this way you have some control on what they watch when you go to the restroom for that well deserved break.
<i>But if “multi-tasking” with a screen and interaction with my child bothers me so much because I’m worried about the lesson she’ll take away from it, why do I find it perfectly acceptable to behave this way around my wife, family, co-workers, and friends?</i>
I always wonder how much of this feeling is due to culture-shift (there wasn't much screen distraction when our parents were our age so when we do this, there is a feeling of guilt) and how much of this is a real concern. For example, when our parents turned on the radio or tape, was that audio distraction? Were we parked in front of the radio and did it have a bad effect on the society?
One of the most helpful and meaningful pieces of advice I ever received as a manager was this:<p><i>When you're meeting with someone, give them your undivided attention. No cell phone, no computer screen, no doodling notes. It makes a difference.</i><p>I'm paraphrasing because I don't recall the source, but it's worked extremely well--at work, and at home, and out with friends.<p>Most people won't be offended if you check your phone, but the difference it can make when you <i>don't</i> is generally worth a five-minute delay on your email replies.
If you spend every waking moment with your child then at what point does the child get to be on their own to explore their own imagination?<p>Do you throw the laundry aside if your child sees you folding it? Do you stop preparing the family meals because your child just made eye contact? Can't leave the room to answer the front door because I'm engaged in a game of blink with my 1yr old!
I was with my father alone in the mornings -- my mother was slow to rise for medical reasons, and he also drove me to school. I HATED that he always wanted to have the TV and radio on, instead of talking with me.
I was an early adopter of mobile web enabled devices (pre iPhone) and I remember my friends making fun of me for being so obsessed with the internet, to the point where I felt embarrassed and avoided (with great difficulty) using my web enabled mobile devices in certain company.<p>Fast forward to the present, and those same people who once ridiculed my obsession are themselves now obsessed with their own web enabled mobile devices...<p>My girlfriend is a staunch anti-internet type, and she often chastises me for not paying attention to her while I'm at my desk, thus I agree with the intent of the article, even if I don't always practice what it 'preaches.'
I can agree with this sentiment. The thing I try to avoid most is attention to my mobile screen when with my kids/family/friends, <i>without</i> specifically excusing myself from the conversation.<p>Part of what allows me to do this is gmail push notifications and ruthless filtering of messages so that only the most important things arrive in my mobile inbox.<p>If something doesn't need to be addressed immediately it gets archived -- I pop all my email off using fetchmail onto a server where I do my "real processing" in alpine later when I sit at my desk.<p>Also, I try to avoid <i>immediately</i> looking at my phone the second I get the emails. If I'm talking or doing something, I get the notification, and I wait until there's a natural gap in the proceedings to check what's going on, then if something requires my protracted attention I excuse myself and say what I'm doing, then reply. For example "Excuse me while I just reply to this email I'll just be a couple of minutes".<p>If I'm at the dinner table when this happens (hey I run a business, gotta do what you gotta do right?) I always excuse myself from the table while I type my reply.<p>My fastidiousness about this practice comes from a time when I observed a 17 - 18 year old boy at dinner with his mother. The boy was holding his phone at eye level facebooking (or whatever) literally the entire time, dividing his attention between his phone and the conversation he was having with his mother. It was repugnant behaviour and not something I want my kids to view as being "okay", so I have to lead by example if I don't want to have that shit played back to me in 15 years' time.
I can very much relate to Adam's observations, in two ways:<p>First, I constantly have to withstand the temptation to use the "occasional" moment to check my phone when I am with other people. I probably only manage to stay strong 50% of the time, and I have been (deservedly) called out on it. Yet, I so far find myself unable to abandon this unnecessary, rude and impersonal behavior.<p>Second, I have been in countless situations where I have become annoyed with people that constantly check their phones while they are engaged in a conversation with me. I have actively ("do you mind...") and passively (just stop talking until they look up) called people out on this behavior, and will continue to do so.<p>Why I, as a "victim" of constant phone-checking, continue to engage in the same rude pattern myself is somewhat a mystery to me. I believe it is partly related to the urge to "beat" your inbox by processing emails as fast as possible. Adam also mentioned that divided attention has somewhat become socially acceptable, and that might be an excuse I subconsciously use ("hey, the others are doing it as well"). People oftentimes don't even make an effort to hide what they are currently focusing on...<p>I think the most important part for me will be to be consistent - either (sadly) continue to engage in this behavior, and don't be offended if other people do it as well, or (much preferably) stop it altogether and behave in a way that my parents would have considered decent.
I totally agree with what you have written - but thinking this way also has one significant caveat: If you become available to the child whenever she seeks eye contact, she might get used to that (spoiled) and even extort you for interaction later on (loud crying/screaming). Firsthand experience :)
Excessive amounts or a dearth of attention will cause issues.<p>It's so relative. Maybe you're doing your a daughter a disservice giving her the impression that she is deserving of attention more than a screen where in the future it could be worse where everyone is constantly multi-tasking, you could turn her into an outcast (I'm half joking).
Father who feels guilty while checking his email is much worse that father who feels happy while checking his emails.<p>1000 years ago the father would watch for an animal to hunt to bring home the tasty food and when this happened - the while family was happy. And father's hunting and fighting times away from his little children was to the benefits and for the happy growth of his family.<p>Your communication tool today is what your bow was 1000 years ago. You are doing your best.<p>Feeling guilty benefits your competitors and enemies of your family. Don't do that to your family. Do what you good at and let your children learn from you how mix the joys of creating expressions with the love.<p>Your happiness and contentment is way more important for little child to feel than absence or presence of your mobile devices or screens.<p>Do whatever makes you feel in balance and happy and let your child grow surrounded with your love and happiness.
Harry Chapin also wrote about not being around or available. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUwjNBjqR-c" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUwjNBjqR-c</a><p>I find myself guilty of this from time to time too. In the end the answer is to model the behaviors we want them to model. If we want them to read, it's ok to read in their presence. If we want them to exercise it's ok to exercise in their presence. We don't have to be 100% on in servant mode, but it's good to be connected. I think the TV is awful as background noise. Music is not so bad.<p>Another poster in another thread said, you can only have one hobby as a parent. That captures the reality.<p><a href="https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6177254" rel="nofollow">https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6177254</a>
Unfortunately, I think advertising is far too lucrative for this to ever happen. Where there is space, there will be ads, whether it's print, screen, virtual or what-have-you. I don't see the world getting any less cluttered in the next 15-20 years. Granted I live in a city and have for the last ~10 years, so my views my be skewed.
The difference between adults and children is that we do it ourself, and thus forgive people when they do it. (Or we don't do it ourself, and don't forgive other people.)<p>Children don't have any concept of what that box is, they just know it's not them.
This strikes me as far too neurotic. You'll never get through the challenges of parenting if you are second guessing yourself and scolding yourself for such minor infractions. You have decades of parenting ahead of you. Smart phones and computers aren't going anywhere. While yes, I think you probably shouldn't be getting your phone out while actively watching your child, the other things you mention like canceling your cable are probably over the top.<p>Here's reality; you're gonna screw up. You're going to make mistakes. And your own neurosis will in some fashion affect your kid(s). This is unavoidable. You won't know the full extent to which you've truly damaged your child until they reach adult hood.<p>But here's the other part; they will also surprise you with how wonderful and amazing they become despite your short comings.<p>It's important to take parenting seriously and do the best you can by your child. But it's also important to realize you're a human being and to take time to enjoy life and cut yourself some slack along the way. Otherwise you're just going to drive yourself insane.
I really don't appreciate the title of this piece. The author knew full well people would expect a piece about being spied upon by the NSA when submitting this.<p>Not cool.
There's a simple hack for parents who really want to spend quality time with their kids. Focus on quantity instead.<p>Parents who spend a lot of time with their kids by accident will have quality time with them. Think of the most meaningful time you spend with you mom or dad. Was it the time you went with them to Disneyland, or when they played with you in the yard with cardboard refrigerator box?
I was doing the same thing with my kids. I solved it by leaving my phone in a basket in my bedroom away from where I played with my kids. Every time I got the urge to check, the distance stopped me. Every time I forget to put my phone away, I always break down and check...
I shot a video using my iPhone, of my 2.5yr old talking to grandma on my wife's iPhone, telling her to look for "dumb ways to die" on YouTube after watching it on the iPad.<p>Not sure "no screens" policy makes life better...
The curiosity will only grow and grow. I put my phone away and only check it occasionally, when my daughter is not around. I was forced to do this b/c we started letting her play games on the phone. Now as soon as she sees it she wants to play games on it. I can't even take a picture these days w/o some crying b/c she wants the phone. We try to limit her screen time to less than an hour a week. I don't know how others can be frequently on the phone around a toddler w/o temper tantrums. My daughter is 19 months old.