How to fake courage

128 pointsby jaf12dukeover 11 years ago

12 comments

baneover 11 years ago

I'm an extreme introvert by nature, and overcoming this is a constant, daily, exhausting struggle. I love interacting with one or two people who I know very well. But I'm driven to the edge of an irrational panic attack when I meet new people.In high pressure situations, like sales or fund raising, it can be excruciating. The elevated pulse, the sweat, blurred vision -- it's fight or flight response the entire way.I was talking with a friend of mine about living in cities, and we both mentioned our distaste for living in an environment where we have to deal with lots of people. But while her response was to try and move out to the country, mine was to try and move to bigger and bigger cities. Turns out I love the anonymity of big crowded cities like New York, but just like my friend, can't stand the kind of semi-dense low-rise urbanity like you find in LA. The density just isn't right.Many years ago I took a job doing tech support and phone sales. It was probably the worst kind of job for me, but I persevered and found that over time I learned how to deal with people. Every month or two I had a difficult interaction and realized that I dealt with it more successfully than I would have a few months before. I still hated it, that kind of interaction, but it trained me. I was never going to be a natural at that kind of interaction, but I would never naturally get up and run a marathon either. I realized that if I could train myself, I could not only tolerate, but be successful in these kinds of interactions.I also remember being moved by the Gom Jabbar scene in Dune. The purpose of which was to filter out humans who could discipline their mind against instinct, and animals who were slaves to instinct. I realized reacting to fear is reacting to instinct, like an animal, and if I were a human I could overcome this. This is reenforced by the Litany Against Fear used during that scene.Now, many years later, before I go into a meeting with strangers, I tell myself this, I've trained myself to overcome my instincts, to be fully human. I tell myself "fear is the mind killer" and I enter the room.

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auganovover 11 years ago

Depending on the definition this is courage actually. As per The Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary: "Courage: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty"So the author it seems is a courageous person. Not feeling fear/danger/difficulty is not courage. It does not imply the ability to handle these feelings. So if the author is faking anything then that's fearlessness.Enough nitpicking, great post!

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orangeboxover 11 years ago

I'm surprised by this article since I have not found the "Fake It Until You Make It" strategy to be very effective, especially with regards to faking courage. If it works for the author, great, but I wouldn't recommend this and here's why: False confidence might make you seem brave in the short-term, but long-term it's not going to fool most people and will make you look like even more of a weakling."Exaggerating Courage" usually works much better than faking it, at least for me, because it's based on a kernel of truth instead of a lie. For example I've never had a tennis lesson but I used to be good at basketball and other sports. So when I'm on the tennis court, even though my technique is poor, I remind myself that I have good hand-eye coordination and agility. So I focus on the fact that "I'm quick!" instead of "My backhand is lame!"Focus on your strengths, not your perceived weaknesses. Of course when I'm really "in the zone" I'm in a state of Relaxed Confidence where I'm not talking to myself, either positive or negative, and I'm merely reacting to what's required at the moment. It's the ideal mind-body-state to be in when you're trying to return a serve, sink a free throw, hit a fast ball, or in many other non-sports situations. For more on this, check out...The Inner Game of Tennis: The Classic Guide to the Mental Side of Peak Performance by Timothy Gallwey. <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Inner-Game-Tennis-Performance/dp/0679778314" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/The-Inner-Game-Tennis-Performance/dp/0...</a>

jennyjittersover 11 years ago

I can't even begin to explain how much this post hits home for me. If not for my 3 years in customer service as an undergrad, I think I'd be much worse off than I am currently. It's still a daily struggle for me to put myself out there, and I have to make a conscious effort to do so. The saving grace for me, as I'm trying to run a small startup, is that I'm incredibly passionate about what I'm working on and I'm confident in my long-term goals for the company. If not for that, I'd probably not have made it this far. It took a while for me to realize that even "successful" people struggle with the same thing. I've found that the best way to get over the fear is to force yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable. While I'm certainly not fearless, I've made huge strides thanks to all my faking. Thanks to Freedman for writing this.

thomasdover 11 years ago

The greatest thing about faking is you'll actually end up believing it, even subconsciously, which is great.A great way to start is just by changing postures. Related: <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes...</a>I've experienced quite a few of this. When I'm having conversation with colleagues in a closed body posture, boy do I stutter a lot.

mailarchisover 11 years ago

I remember the 15 Year old me. I was an extremely introvert guy participating in school debate competitions for the first time. While I was speaking in front of the audience, my legs (hidden behind the dais) would be shaking (the first few times). Somehow, I learnt to control my fear of public speaking and manage to put my points across.Courage (faking courage) is probably the strength to do a thing well without letting the fear of failing paralyzing you.

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NovemberWestover 11 years ago

My default personality is very risk averse. I do lots of things that look crazy to other people. Different knowledge base, different goals, basically.I agree with the first point of setting a clear goal so you know what you are actually trying to accomplish.Also, learn about statistics. Most folks make logical errors when they "bet." Flipping a coin, the odds are always about 50/50, no matter what the last flip or last ten flips were. But people tend to think "The last three were heads, so we are overdue for tails." Nope. It is still about 50/50 (with, I think, a slight skew towards heads).Get the facts or hard data. Be very skeptical about data that comes from iffy sources or processes. Trying to decide on hazy info sucks so bad. Good info leads to better decisions. "Garbage in, garbage out."Get a sounding board, preferably one who has different strengths and weaknesses from you, not a "yes man" and not someone biased in the same way you are. My oldest son is very opposite me in some important ways. When we both vome yo the,same conclusion from very different directions it tends to be a very sound decision.Anyway, real work calls or I could possibly drone on.

arjieover 11 years ago

God damn it. I didn't know Disqus picks up your gravatar like that. That was a highly unexpected outcome. Now I need an anonymous email address to use.

oakwhizover 11 years ago

I was under the impression that "fake courage" was in fact stupidity in disguise.

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rfnslyrover 11 years ago

I understand the faking all too well.Awhile back I was this fat, neckbearded kid in my mothers basement coding and gaming. Realized I'm trash at interacting on the most basic levels with people. Lost all the weight, got strong, got decently good looking, but inside I'm always still that shy nerd that doesn't really want to go out ever and keep to himself.Every outing I need to mentally and physically prepare for, I can't just "go out" and be with people. I have to pay active attention to how my face feels, what position I'm sitting in, how I'm walking, the spacing between my steps, my pacing, every little detail is calculated and it makes going out extremely difficult.Every single day is a mission to fake it, and though I'm good at it now and it's nearly natural, I still microanalyze every person, gesture, blink, speech, walk, turn, movement of everyone and I incorporate these attributes into my own outward image to project confidence, courage, and ambition.I never had friends growing up when I was young, not sure what kind of impact that truly had but as an outsider, I've been observing relentlessly, almost obsessively, and taking bits and pieces from others until I formed someone decent (me), how normal people act in normal situations.I still feel extremely anxious every day to the point of having to pep talk myself before meeting someone, that has never changed for a second, the only thing that has changed is my ability to mask it but I'm as scared as ever.It makes me wonder if everyone is in the same shoes.I'm a person that can't do anything unless a process, or number, is attached to it. Essays in highschool? Barely ever passed, I lock down, don't know where to start. Math? Design? Computers? Not the slightest problem, which is why human interaction is so difficult, there is no "set way" to interact.I don't really know who I truly am because all my mannerisms are borrowed from various people, movies, figures, friends. No movement or expression is my own and it's difficult to cope with.Through my observation, the only thing that honestly matters, is just being nice and treating others as equals and it all falls into place.I don't know if it's mental illness or what it is, but I can tell you right now the happiest I'd ever be is 100% alone left to my own mind somewhere deep in nature.I remember having a heart to heart with roommates I was "close" with. We started talking about all our passive aggressiveness because it was starting to get to all of us and ruin our living situation. It got way to real, and then it got to me. I explained to them how I see the world, how I deal with things, and they honestly looked kinda terrified and thought I was crazy, and it hasn't really been the same since then since they don't really know who I am now, I don't even know who I am.

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cheatcodeover 11 years ago

I found some great advice on this at the Rejection Therapy site. In particular:No Confidence? Borrow Some: <a href="http://rejectiontherapy.com/no-confidence-borrow-some/" rel="nofollow">http://rejectiontherapy.com/no-confidence-borrow-some/</a>Fear Hacks of World Class High Divers: <a href="http://rejectiontherapy.com/fear-hacks-of-world-class-high-divers/" rel="nofollow">http://rejectiontherapy.com/fear-hacks-of-world-class-high-d...</a>

onanaover 11 years ago

This is honestly a crap article. Absolutely shit.