How to get out of a one-on-one conversation:<p>OPTION 1<p>You: "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?"<p>Them: "I'm hoping to meet with someone that does $x."<p>You: "Oh I just met Bob, who's into $x. He's over there, do you want to meet him?"<p>Them: "Sure!"<p>You go and introduce them, then after a minute excuse yourself. They'll hardly notice.<p>OPTION 2<p>You: "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?"<p>Them: "I'm hoping to meet with someone that does $x."<p>You: "Great! I'm looking to meet someone that does $y. Have you met anyone here that's into that?"<p>Them: "Oh yeah, Steve over there works in $y!"<p>You: "Oh interesting. Would you introduce us?"<p>They go introduce you to Steve and will likely (hopefully) excuse themselves shortly thereafter.<p>OPTION 3<p>And finally, if neither of you can make an introduction (eg, if you both just arrived):<p>You: "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?"<p>Them: "I'm hoping to meet with someone that does $x."<p>You: "Great! I'm looking to meet someone that does $y. Have you met anyone here that's into that?"<p>Them: "Not yet, I just got here."<p>You: "Me too. Let's go meet some people together. That looks like a good group over there." (Point to group of 3+ people)<p>Them: "Sure!"<p>You walk up to the group together and make introductions. The group will naturally split up within a few minutes and you'll be left speaking with new people.
There was a time when talking to others in a crowded room filled me with fear to the extend that words flowed out of my mouth in ways that does not make any sense even to myself. I spoke gibberish and if you had the misfortune of talking to me, you would probably find an excuse to get away.
I hated the idea of going to social events. At every event, I felt that I was the stupidest person in the room and that nobody would want to talk to me. Meeting people seemed like a waste of time.<p>One day, something snapped. I figured that instead of wasting time at social events, I might as well learn something. I reflected on my social experiences and realized that because of my inherent fear of being looked down upon, I had the habit of pretending to understand things that in reality I had no clue. So I made it a point to speak a little as possible and instead focus on listening and always ask questions if I did not understand something.<p>I always made it a point to be asking questions and most importantly, never pretending to understand something I don't. Conversations usually flows like this: What do you do? What exactly does that mean? Big data? How big? How is big data different from normal data? ...<p>Gradually, I started to understand what people are actually saying. I started to feel the wide spectrum of work that people do. I started to internalize differing opinions within similar industries and then voicing these opinions to others in similar fields. I started to take sides and participate in debates. Conversations became more intelligent and social events transformed into a heaven for intellectual stimulation.<p>Like reading Hacker News in the middle of the night, socializing can become addicting. There is so much knowledge out there and every time I go out I learn something new. If there was one lesson I learned throughout my transformation, it would be to focus on listening and understanding others.
Mild introvert here. I've had better luck focusing on 'singletons,' and catalyzing the formation of new conversation groups, instead of trying to work into an existing duo's conversation.<p>A few years ago I stood alone at a big "networking breakfast." I barely knew anyone.<p>It popped into my head: <i>Pretend you're the host -- make 'your' guests feel welcome.</i><p>Looking around, I spotted another singleton. Smiling, I stuck out my hand, introduced myself, and started doing the ask-questions routine (being careful to make it a conversation and not an interrogation).<p>A few minutes later, I saw another singleton coming near. I invited him into the conversation and introduced him to the first guy. Both of them seemed glad to have other people to talk to (and when I ran into them at later meetings, they each remembered me). Eventually I disengaged and moved on.<p>I was amazed at how comfortable that felt, seeking to serve others' needs instead of my own insecurities. I've been using that basic approach ever since. It works every time. My young-adult kids report success with the approach as well.
I'd also add that body language of a pair talking will tell you if you are welcome to stick around and converse. If they separate slightly to accommodate your presence and address you by looking at you when they are talking, you are good to go. If they stay facing each other and do quick glances at you, they are probably having a more intimate discussion which may be hard if you are standing there listening. Body language is the key - pay attention to it.
I tend to introversion, and networking in a room filled with people wears me out faster than just about anything else.<p>So, given that my social energy is limited, here's what I do:<p>* Have a concrete goal for each event, things like: small talk with 5 random people, elevator pitch to Jane, get contact details to follow up with Jim and Mo, etc.<p>* Step out of unproductive/negative chats asap - "excuse me, I need to make a call/ check email / catch Bob before he leaves"<p>* For longer events, take regular smoke breaks (even though I don't smoke)<p>* Leave (politely) as soon as goals are achieved or as soon as I'm worn out
This is a good technique. I also find entering the situation with a set of personal challenges/goals helps diffuse the situation. By reframing the situation from "holy crap I can't do this" to "ok, I've found out what two people do for a living, one to go" lets you de-emphasize the aspects that make you nervous and end up having more natural conversations.<p>Blatant plug: we are building a site that helps people get better at situations like this and other challenging social situations. <a href="http://metamorf.us" rel="nofollow">http://metamorf.us</a>
The language here of "working on a room" is a little bit unnerving, but he's right. If you want to meet new people and have interesting conversations, I've had similar experiences like this which I've enjoyed.<p>Furthermore, interrupting a conversation at an event like the one he describes with the question, "so what are we talking about?" after you've gotten their attention is a good way to find something to talk about, too, which isn't just the standard, "so what do you do?"
Everyone sucks at networking the first few times, and public speaking the first few times, and presentations the first few times. The exact technique you use to get over that initial bump is probably not as important as just <i>trying it</i> a few times..
The advice about singling out pairs of people is really interesting. How does one go about approaching them if they are in mid conversation?<p>Do you just lurk, wait for a brief pause, then swoop in? This seems creepy.<p>Do you just barge in mid-sentence? This seems rude.<p>Do you chime in if they something that catches your interest? This seems nosy.
When I encounter myself in these sort of situations I feel uncomfortable so I kind of empathize with the author. And it's funny because I'm working on an iPhone app which is aimed at solving these kind of situations where you want to start new conversations with strangers. It's called Joiner ( <a href="http://www.joinerapp.com" rel="nofollow">http://www.joinerapp.com</a> ) if you want to check it out (shameless plug).<p>However, I think I'm not only worried by how to approach people more easily, but also to find good conversations. If it's already very hard to start a conversation with a stranger, imagine finding a good topic of conversation. In my case, on most occasions I always talk about the same thing, like what I do, where I am from and what I have studied. Because I don't know what I have in common with the other person I don't risk pushing other topics into the conversation, which would be great if, for instance, I entered a room and could instantly detect people with similar interests in technology, music or whatever.<p>That's why we have created Joiner, to help removing the pain of meeting new people and by making it more engaging.
The site is having some troubles. Here is a cached version: <a href="http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:hlQH57jK_uwJ:www.onethingnew.com/index.php/work/433-how-i-learned-to-work-a-room-and-you-can-too+&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=au" rel="nofollow">http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:hlQH57j...</a>
Thanks, I'll try that top next time. I too am not one that is good at conversing with strangers. I'm the guy that just stands there and tries to look busy. On the other hand my CEO will have talked to everyone in the room by the time the event is over, and he remembers their names and what they do. I'm always amazed.
Open a website, a giant banner is shoved in my face that forces me to click a teensy, tiny close button to be able to view the website.<p>Sorry, not gonna read it.
My favorite technique for working the room: "So, what do you do ... for fun."<p>I find that talking about what people do for fun is much more interesting than what they do for work. And if the person is interesting, it might come back around to work anyway.<p>My favorite technique for exiting a conversation is the old chestnut of "I need to refill my drink." Easy peasy.
I find it useful to approach a group of people talking and just start actively listening to whoever is speaking.<p>People often look for support from the group they are talking to. Nod in agreement when they do. Ask an insightful question. Make it easier for them to be the center of attention.<p>Soon you'll be in a conversation without having to introduce yourself first. As soon as you are in a 1 on 1 conversation, be sure that you do introduce yourself. It should be a lot easier by then.
Funny. It is actually the comments that made me finally read the article. Nice technique. But immediately I felt sorry for all the people that come in the room alone and do not have the courage to mingle. This technique will make them feel even more bad.
I avoided clicking this link at first as I was expecting to groan at the shmoozy BS inside. I was pleasantly surprised to find a concrete technique that I can easily remember and apply. Thanks.
I cannot believe this article managed to get to the front page on HN.<p>People here must be desperate to make connections ;-)<p>The author/reporter tried this approach once and its a really small set of experiments for such a bold claim.<p>Flagging this...