<i>A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman "Hello, I'd like a beer."<p>The barman replies "Hello, you'd like a beer?"<p>"Yes," replies the TCP packet, "I'd like a beer."</i><p>I'd tell you my UDP packet joke, but I'm not sure you'd get it.
On the way to a sales call, a salesman, a project manager, and a programmer were kidnapped. When their employer refused to pay the ransom, the kidnappers granted each a last wish before killing them. The salesman said, "I still want to make the pitch I prepared for today. It's awesome and will only take an hour." The project manager said, "I still want to present my Powerpoint for this project. It's only 92 slides." The programmer said, "Kill me first."
I know an accounting joke:<p><i>An engineer and an accountant are on a train when they pass between two fields of sheep.</i><p><i>"Boy, there are a lot of sheep in those fields." says the engineer.</i><p><i>"There are 1,005" says the accountant.</i><p><i>"How do you know?"</i><p><i>"Well, there are about 1,000 in that field, and there are 5 in the other one."</i>
My favorite was originally about the DEC minicomputer Field Services organization, known as "field circuses":<p><pre><code> Q: How can you recognize a field circus engineer
with a flat tire?
A: He's changing one tire at a time to see which one
is flat.
Q: How can you recognize a field circus engineer
who is out of gas?
A: He's changing one tire at a time to see which one
is flat.
Q: How can you tell it's *your* field circus engineer?
A: The spare is flat, too. [1]
</code></pre>
That particular organization may be long gone, but you can definitely spot the behavior. E.g., when calling front-line tech support and being asked to reboot and reinstall things that clearly don't matter.<p>[1] The Jargon File is full of little gems like this. <a href="http://zvon.org/comp/r/ref-Jargon_file.html#Terms~field_circus" rel="nofollow">http://zvon.org/comp/r/ref-Jargon_file.html#Terms~field_circ...</a>
An mechanical engineer, physicist, and computer programmer are in a car driving down a steep mountain when the brakes fail. The careens around bends picking up speed until they finally reach the bottom and the car rolls to a stop.<p>The engineer hops out of the car and begins inspecting the brakes for the source of the failure. The physicist grabs a pad of paper and starts calculating the maximum angular momentum and friction coefficients.<p>The computer programmer looks at the car, then at the mountain and says, "let's push it up to the top and see if it happens again."
This article from devhumor: <a href="http://devhumor.com/193/" rel="nofollow">http://devhumor.com/193/</a><p>The assembly panel is very funny.
<p><pre><code> >If you're happy and you know it, missing quote
missing quote
>IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowItNotAVerb
Not a verb
>If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it, If you're happy and you know it, syntax error
syntax error</code></pre>
At a place where I used to work, someone had a car with one of those Virginia "Internet C@pital" license plates. The design has changed over the years, but this one put the @ in a big blue dot right in the lower center of the license plate. Sadly, I can't find a pic of this person's plate, or even that style of plate, anymore.<p>The license number was "CAR JPG".<p>I SO wish I had a pic to prove this.
Before I click, just a quick bet with myself this excellent question has been closed.<p>[edit] yep, locked. Thanks NullUserException! Now another quick bet with myself that someone will reply to this comment defending S.O.s repeated closure of interesting questions.
At the top of the page:<p><i>When I teach introductory computer science courses, I like to lighten the mood with some humor. Having a sense of fun about the material makes it less frustrating and more memorable, and it's even motivating if the joke requires some technical understanding to 'get it'!</i><p>When put in this context, I think the question has some value. Being honest, programming can be very dry at times. The most mirth inducing stuff I have read in relation to programming is when programmers complain about programming languages, I think SO had a question addressing this issue.
An electrical engineer from GE, a chemical engineer from DuPont and a Windows kernel developer from Microsoft are in a car, driving along a desert road.<p>At some point the car malfunctions and comes to a stop. The following discussion ensues:<p>GE guy: "It's because there are some crossed wires in the electrical system that regulates the engine."<p>DuPont Guy: "Don't be ridiculous, this is clearly caused by a wrong mix of gasoline and oxygen going into the cylinders."<p>MS guy: "Why don't we all get out of the car, close the doors, reopen the doors, get back into the car, and try again."
Two regular expressions are sitting at a bar and having a drink. A big, context-sensitive string walks over and steals the drink from the first regex. The second says to the first "Are you going to let him bully you like that?" The first replies "Yeah, I'm no match for him."
To go off topic a bit here - all these SO articles that are not pinpointed programming questions are always closed or locked. You can no longer ask these kind of open ended, leading to a debate kind of questions on SO anymore. The questions have to be very focused and narrow so that someone can answer it to get points. Its really disappointing but that is just the way the community took it in - pedantic.
An architect, an engineer and a programmer are discussing God:<p>Architect: Of course God was an architect! Look at the world! It's so beautiful and well composed!<p>Engineer: Nah, you don't know what you're saying! God was an engineer! Look at the universe and all it contains!<p>Programmer: Pfft... who do you think created chaos?
Strange that the joke most popular with my friends has not been quoted yet. It's about the programmer who goes to bed and places two glasses by the bedside: one with water, in case he wants to drink at night, and the other empty, in case he does not.
At a friend's wedding, I delivered the toast which was a long list of "To X!" items, where X was something special to/for/about the couple. This worked spectacularly well. Including the dead silence & puzzled looks, and seething consternation from the groom, at "To RTFM!" halfway thru.
Study shows learning exotic functional programming languages like LISP/Scheme or Haskell to impact facial hair growth and accelerate neckbeards: <a href="http://thequickword.wordpress.com/2014/01/23/on-the-origin-of-the-modern-neckbeard-hacker/" rel="nofollow">http://thequickword.wordpress.com/2014/01/23/on-the-origin-o...</a>
<p><pre><code> There are 10 types of people in the world:
Those who understand binary,
Those who don't,
And those who count from zero.</code></pre>
This one I sing to my kids:<p>"Old MacDonald had a farm,<p>E-I-E-I-O<p>And on that farm he had an infinite recursion<p>E-I-E-I-O<p>With an<p>Old MacDonald had a farm,<p>E-I-E-I-O<p>And on that farm he had an infinite recursion
..."