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Y Combinator, a Two-Year-Old, and a Pregnant Wife

288 pointsby tadmilbournover 10 years ago

29 comments

aresantover 10 years ago
I love articles on this topic because they&#x27;re uplifting and hopeful, I hate them because they are unrealistic.<p>Y-Combinator&#x27;s expectation for start-ups is that they are to be &quot;all-consuming&quot; (1)<p>From Sam Altman&#x27;s &quot;Before the Startup&quot;:<p>&quot;If you start a startup, it will take over your life to a degree you cannot imagine. And if your startup succeeds, it will take over your life for a long time: for several years at the very least, maybe for a decade, maybe for the rest of your working life. So there is a real opportunity cost here.&quot;<p>In my personal experience start-ups are terrible for young families.<p>If you expect to have a balanced-family-life and still also out-work &#x2F; out-hustle 20-year olds or 40+ year olds (older kids) that are out for your blood you are setting yourself up for failure.<p>I&#x27;ve been through this exact grind with young children born 18-months apart and you are FORCED to choose.<p>That uninterruptable family dinner?<p>Wait until an investor flys in to SFO unexpectedly and wants to go out on the town.<p>Being around for more of the &quot;little things”?<p>Wait until you are forced to marginalize the importance of being there on your kid&#x27;s actual &quot;birthday&quot; because heck, you&#x27;ll be at the birthday party this weekend and you need to be in Dallas for a sales meeting.<p>I am writing those two anecdotes from my own personal experience.<p>Working up on start-up #XX with plenty of success under my belt, pre-set expectations that I&#x27;m going to do this &quot;balance&quot; now, etc.<p>It&#x27;s unrealistic, and I have been forced to choose my start-up and my team over my family to succeed, and it sucks.<p>But that&#x27;s my path, and that of many others here.<p>I have incredible respect for anybody juggling y-combinator, a working spouse, and two kids.<p>But you have to be made of steel to undertake this path and look at the sacrifices you will make as a husband and father in the eye.<p>(1) <a href="http://www.paulgraham.com/before.html" rel="nofollow">http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.paulgraham.com&#x2F;before.html</a>
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aepearsonover 10 years ago
As a father of two - articles like this come off as incredibly pretentious and I have a really hard time even finishing them.<p>I feel like so many in the &quot;startup&quot; culture are completely trapped in an imaginary bubble that literally means jack shit to anyone outside it.<p>You aren&#x27;t changing the world out there...you&#x27;re building business.<p>You are a father and a husband making a conscious adult decision to put work over your family...writing this little &quot;how-to&quot; article does not somehow make you immune to that reality. Venting your elitist self-serving views to the general public does not make you any less irresponsible, much less some sort of &quot;leader&quot;.<p>&quot;From 5:30pm-8:30pm, I’m not a startup CEO. I’m a dad.&quot; &lt;- That statement right there pretty much illustrates my point.<p>No amount of money will ever replace what you&#x27;re missing out on at home - I guess you&#x27;ll have to figure that out on your own though. Hopefully your wife and children will give you back the same 1&#x2F;8th of their time and focus that you give them.
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scaldover 10 years ago
I can relate. My wife and 2 toddlers were 12 hours away for 4 months while I did an accelerator this Summer. I saw them about a week a month.<p>Guys like us are in the minority. A lot of people told me I&#x27;m nuts for putting my family on the back burner to chase this dream. I told myself I wasn&#x27;t going to let work come ahead of them, but yeah, I put them on the back burner for 4 months. At times it felt nuts. My kids are growing up fast and I&#x27;m working 18 hours a day across the country. Some days, it took immense amounts of willpower to not jump on a plane and dip out.<p>I used the military analogy with my wife when she complained. Hell, how many guys went over to Afghanistan for months without seeing their families? A lot of them never came back. A ton more risk, for what? Priority boarding and discounts on oil changes? (I have a ton of respect for those guys, and no, they don&#x27;t do it for perks or respect.) Compared to that, I&#x27;d say the upside of this opportunity is what they call once in a lifetime.<p>But in reality, a lot of those folks didn&#x27;t really have better options. I could make a good living as a developer if I wanted to. If I&#x27;m honest, doing this startup thing with a family requires me to be pretty selfish most of the time. But selfish in a good, weird way - working 80 hours a week so someday I don&#x27;t have to work 40, so I can take my wife and kids to Hawaii for the summer someday, or whatever.<p>Luckily for us, the experience of the accelerator was worth every pain point. It probably only gets harder from here. Now I&#x27;m back with the family, with a (soon to be) funded company, and will have to make those tough juggling decisions on a daily basis. It&#x27;s all about finding boundaries and balance.<p>Off to pick my kids up from daycare...
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dominotwover 10 years ago
What is this strange bizarre heroism around having kids? I don&#x27;t get what the big deal is. People have been reproducing for thousands of years without writing self eulogizing blogs about how heroic they are. Have kids if you want to or don&#x27;t, you are not some kind of martyr for reproducing.<p>I&#x27;ve seen women who go to do hard labor in rice fields the following day of giving birth, its business as usual.
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ryanSrichover 10 years ago
Interesting article. I guess I don&#x27;t quite connect with it because I feel like the challenge, by far and away, would be financial, not social.<p>Living with someone and being married to them requires an intimate understanding of who they are as a person. Being able to work through those hard times is something I can do. Being able to make the hard decisions is something I can do.<p>Being able to go without a salary for 4 years, own a house, provide for a family, and work on a startup is something I couldn&#x27;t do. In fact no one talks about this. I suspect many founders are either:<p>a. working on their second startup and have a huge bank account full of cash from a pervious exit<p>b. come from an extremely wealthy family where money has no effect on their decisions<p>c. are in fact paying themselves a salary (and hiding it from investors?)<p>d. have a significant other that can support the entire family
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CodeJackalopeover 10 years ago
I went through this journey with Tad. Not having a kid myself it&#x27;s been amazing to learn about the demands of starting a family while simultaneously getting overwhelmed by the challenges of a growing startup.<p>As Tad mentioned communication has definitely been the key. And often situations where Tad or Kyle&#x27;s parenting demands seemed like an inconvenience to Tiempo have actually helped remind us all why we are doing this crazy adventure. And we come back swinging even harder the next day.<p>So kudos to all you startup parents out there. It&#x27;s a tough road but I&#x27;m confident you and your family are going to come out stronger for the journey!
Tyrannosaursover 10 years ago
The thing which I always see missing from these descriptions is the persons other half.<p>The usual logic runs - from 8am to 6pm I&#x27;m at work. From 6pm to 8.30pm I&#x27;m dad (or mum but realistically it&#x27;s usually Dad). Once the kids are back in bed I get back on to e-mail, catch up with what I&#x27;ve missed and start planning the next day.<p>That&#x27;s great - you&#x27;ve covered work and your kids&#x2F;family as a whole, but where are you fitting in time just as a couple? I&#x27;m not talking about weekends away or big nights out (though those are tough enough), I&#x27;m talking about just fitting in time to talk and catch up and remember why (and indeed that) you like each other.<p>For me that&#x27;s the toughest one. You or your other half can find time on your own - that&#x27;s easy, the other one takes the kids. Time as a family is always a default for any spare time because guilt drives you towards your kids. The tough one is time as a couple because it&#x27;s the one that by default comes after everything else and is therefore the first one to get squeezed.
tadmilbournover 10 years ago
My thoughts on ways to balance the needs of a growing startup with the needs of a growing family. Would love to know what others in similar situations have tried. What&#x27;s worked? What hasn&#x27;t?
nkozyraover 10 years ago
One of the biggest misconception in the startup world is that there is a 1:1 relationship with the unquantifiable &quot;hustle&quot; and time spent in front of a computer.<p>Long story short from me: a few years back my company was courted by one of the big guys. We had a staff of four and immediately thought &quot;this is it.&quot; They asked a lot of us in this &quot;discovery&quot; process, and I was routinely working 18 hour days, and my productivity dipped further with each day. As I clamored to work more and therefore &quot;get more done,&quot; I ended up getting less done than ever.<p>The deal fell through but not due to not coming through for them.<p>Fast forward to last year when my wife and I had our first kid. It&#x27;s an <i>immediate</i> hit to your flexibility. For the first few months I felt helpless, I wanted to work all day long but I was exhausted. The more I tried to sneak work in, the less I got done, the grumpier I was and the less time I enjoyed with my family.<p>It took months, but I realized that productivity in limited time is about efficiency and delegation. It&#x27;s about finding what time-consuming responsibilities can be handled by others (either through charity or payment), it&#x27;s about reducing recreation (or scheduling it for a certain time).<p>I spend less time working now than I did when &quot;hustling,&quot; but I get more done. When I sit down in the morning it is time to go. I don&#x27;t check Facebook when I work. I don&#x27;t go out to lunch, unless I&#x27;m meeting someone.<p>Hustling is about effort, not time invested. Don&#x27;t fall into the trap that says you can&#x27;t beat someone with more time to spend on something, you just have to work that much smarter.<p>It&#x27;s a mistake to call it &quot;balance,&quot; it&#x27;s really about efficiency. Don&#x27;t waste your time with your family and don&#x27;t waste your time with your company - and finally: know that most people <i>do</i> waste time.
stevewepayover 10 years ago
I&#x27;m at a YC startup, and our culture is very much to not have late nights, work people to death, etc. The belief here is that working people to the bone does not build a scalable business, and the only way to grow at a sustainable pace is to maintain regular work hours, have realistic goals in terms of work, and to give people a life outside of work. Sure, we all monitor our emails on our phones, and on occasion we need to work a little extra, this is still Silicon Valley. But many people here have young families, and the office is pretty empty by 6:00pm.
reshambabbleover 10 years ago
One of my favorite things about this article is it&#x27;s a dad (with a spouse who also works), talking about how important his family is to him and his struggles to have both family and work (AKA &quot;having it all&quot; when some women talk about the same thing). It&#x27;s refreshing, because it shows that wanting to be both a caregiver and a breadmaker for your family isn&#x27;t just a women&#x27;s issue. I wish more articles would come out like this.
JoseVigilover 10 years ago
I am married with a seven years old beautiful boy.<p>The hardest part for me during these years of entrepreneurship have been the hassle of not giving enough financial resources to my family and instead putting money blindly into the company and project. In an &quot;early&quot; stage is likely and inevitable waste and mislead of money without exception.<p>That, in my opinion is the hardest part of all aside from the time spent and the amount of love given mentioned. Personal elections and freedom of choice is cool but when the live style of your family is affected turns cumbersome and contradictory. I can tell a lot about that.<p>Furthermore if the project fails, most of the time do, that money is gone and gone for the family too. Of course we all know that the experience pays off and the longer term economy will be much better, but at last.<p>During the journey, your mind plays tricks that opposes completely to a family type of thinking of saving and caring about moving money to and for the family.<p>Thats life, and part of the freedom of being moved by dreams and vision.
ryanmarshover 10 years ago
I&#x27;d love to know how he paid his mortgage while in YC. We&#x27;re a single income family. My co-founder is single and his financial liabilities are nearly zero (he&#x27;s a minimalist) so he could make it work. Do you just burn savings?<p>Lastly, what if you lost all of your savings in your previous startup? <i>asking for a friend</i> ;)
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stevewilhelmover 10 years ago
Fast forward four years from now.<p>Parent teacher conferences, AYSO, play dates, music lessons, September flu &amp; strep throat, recitals, Y Adventure Guides, homework, walking the puppy, Gilroy Gardens...<p>Balance that with board meeting prep, sales road trips, recruiting, fund raising, OKRs, product reviews, hack-a-thons, conferences...<p>Good luck my friend.
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idlewordsover 10 years ago
&quot;One advantage startups have over established companies is that there are no discrimination laws about starting businesses. For example, I would be reluctant to start a startup with a woman who had small children, or was likely to have them soon.&quot; - Paul Graham
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chuckcodeover 10 years ago
I&#x27;m surprised about the number of judgemental posts and lack of real world approaches to help manage a classic resource allocation problem.<p>We are all balancing priorities where we want to spend our time (and high quality time) between work, friends, family, hobbies etc. We can choose to do fewer things and we can try to be more efficient in the things we choose to do. What are approaches that HN has found useful to help do either?<p>Personally I like some of Tad&#x27;s approaches to set expectations and balance two things that are obviously very important to him. Shared google calendar and asana todo lists can certainly help communication with family and work but I haven&#x27;t found anything that substitutes for spending 1:1 time with the toddler...
imranqover 10 years ago
For some reason there is this myth propagating across SV that less sleep = more productivity... the fact is that if you get half the sleep you are supposed to, your work is not going to be 1&#x2F;2 as good. It is going to be 1&#x2F;100ths as good. Not a great position to have your &quot;life&#x27;s work&quot; in.<p>That said, I admire this guy and his tenacity to work hard and smart.<p>As you can tell, I read a lot of DHH&#x27;s stuff :), particularly this talk: <a href="http://ecorner.stanford.edu/authorMaterialInfo.html?mid=2351" rel="nofollow">http:&#x2F;&#x2F;ecorner.stanford.edu&#x2F;authorMaterialInfo.html?mid=2351</a>
foobarianover 10 years ago
Every now and then you see young people be advised to do X &quot;now, before they have a wife&#x2F;family&#x2F;mortgage.&quot; X can be a startup, getting a PhD, trip around the world, etc. My view is that doing things differently is biting off more than one can chew and is selfish. Having done a brutal Ph.D. I cannot begin to imagine having had a child at the same time, and the irreversible damage to the kid &#x2F; opportunity loss &#x2F; regret that would have resulted in.<p>Of course if you can make it work and live with yourself, more power to you. :)
belornover 10 years ago
Interesting to see two articles on the same subject posted with about a week between, one about being a &quot;mom&quot; in Y Combinator (<a href="https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=8456258" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;news.ycombinator.com&#x2F;item?id=8456258</a>), and this one about being a &quot;dad&quot; in Y Combinator.
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curiousDogover 10 years ago
As someone who is single and works as a programmer at a Big 4 and still struggles to make time for social life, would be nic e to see a write-up like this from an engineer. From what I&#x27;ve experienced, if you&#x27;re coding day-day on high pressure projects, keeping tight-schedules like this is damn near impossible.
DigitalSeaover 10 years ago
In a few short months I am about to become a dad myself, our first child. I am currently trying to get a startup off of the ground and it is refreshing to read other people have, can and currently are doing it. Based on what I read, it seems Tad has his head screwed on.<p>Missing the wanky networking events, hackathons and realising that it is a fallacy the more hours you put in, the more work you get out. This has been proven time and time again, we are all human and we all have that point where our brains switch off and stop absorbing information. Putting in excessive hours does not give you any kind of advantage, when people are happy and refreshed, they are productive. How many times have you stayed back working on a complex problem, only to go home late without solving the problem, to come in the following morning and fix the issue in 15 minutes? It has happened to me more times over the years than I could count.<p>I have had numerous chats with my wife about how it will all work. She does not work in tech and will be a stay at home mother, but we have already laid the groundwork for how things will work. I want to be there for my child, a child is forever, a startup has such a small chance of succeeding long-term. Setting boundaries and being there for dinners and night time tuck-ins are essential to a happy family.<p>For me, the weekdays will be for work and startup life with a set boundary of a couple of hours for dinner and after for spending time with my child. The weekends will be mostly off limits to spend time going out and doing fun family stuff, picnics, going to the pool, arts&#x2F;crafts, watching movies and spending quality time with my family. Make your time count, do not let your children grow up remembering you as always being on the computer, especially if your startup ambitions pass you by, all you have left is your family. Weekdays should be for work, not weekends.<p>The challenges my wife and I will face drastically differ from those that Tad and his wife experience on a daily basis, but I think the core principles of being there for your children regardless of your arrangement are universally important for any would-be entrepreneur, small business owner or startup founder to remember. We live in a technology enabled world so much so, even when you step away from a computer screen, your smartphone is just within arms reach and it can be all too easy to open up your email and get just as absorbed in work as you can on a computer. It can be incredibly hard to turn off work mode and relish the time you have for the more important and rewarding things in life.<p>I think incubators like Y Combinator should honestly do more to encourage healthy family life in the land of startups. Instead of pushing founders to drive themselves and their teams into the ground to get a paltry $50k or whatever, the culture needs to be changed at the root of the source. This fallacy that you need to invest 19+ hours a day into a startup early on to succeed is unhealthy. I do not know where it originated from, but I know that it has not always been like this. When entrepreneurs in the 40&#x27;s and 50&#x27;s were starting businesses, I know for a fact most people were not investing 19 hours a day into their ideas, technology seems to have removed not only barriers, but also boundaries and morals as well.<p>There is not one single definitive way to run and operate a startup. We are all different, but because of an accepted culture of overtime perpetuated in the late 80&#x27;s and 90&#x27;s especially, everyone in the tech industry has mostly come to accept that overtime is a way of life and to succeed you need to put in excessive and unrealistic hours. It is time to change the tide.<p>I think the one takeaway from this article everyone should take, even if you are not trying to run a startup or business, is to make time for the ones that need you the most. When all is said and done, family is the only constant you will have in your life. Jobs come and go, startups fail and succeed and friends come and go, family are always there. This means instead of going to after work drinks or accepting a culture of overtime in your current workplace, knowing when to draw the line and put what matters first, first: family. Not only family, but ensuring that you see friends, go and do activities like visit a theme park, go to the zoo or even a short hike through your local park. Remind yourself when time and priorities permit that there is more to life than work.<p>Great article.
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lynnahover 10 years ago
Great topic. So important. I found this book super useful. <a href="http://www.stonyfield.com/blog/for-better-or-for-work-a-survival-guide-from-meg-hirshberg/" rel="nofollow">http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.stonyfield.com&#x2F;blog&#x2F;for-better-or-for-work-a-surv...</a>
bernardlunnover 10 years ago
Beautifully articulated and I believe that the balance is hard but possible. It is of course easier to succeed in business if you ignore your family (and your health and your sanity), but that would certainly be a Pyrrhic victory.
dirtyauraover 10 years ago
Do you have more blog posts about Tiempo on the site? The site doesn&#x27;t offer a link to a blog. I&#x27;d love to read how you guys are doing business-wise as we are doing something related but tangential.
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simi_over 10 years ago
I read the title and realise I&#x27;m in the exact same situation: I have a wife, a 2nd year-old son, and my wife is 5 months pregnant. And tomorrow my startup finds out whether we got into YC W15!
karlaugstenover 10 years ago
I cant help but think of Erlich Bachman&#x27;s &#x27;Aviato&#x27; when I hear &#x27;Tiempo&#x27;.
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comlonqover 10 years ago
Jesus christ man - all of this sacrifice for a time sheet application? Is it really worth it?
tytytytytytyover 10 years ago
<a href="http://www.linkedin.com/in/tadmilbourn" rel="nofollow">http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.linkedin.com&#x2F;in&#x2F;tadmilbourn</a><p>Yet another business graduate in &quot;Computer Software&quot;... sigh...<p>This is why YComb is a damn joke.
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Animatsover 10 years ago
<i>Y-Combinator&#x27;s expectation for start-ups is that they are to be &quot;all-consuming&quot;</i><p>Yes. If your wife is pregnant, she&#x27;s expected to have an abortion so she can concentrate on the business.