The 4 Types of Emails Programmers Receive

I'm a sys-admin, not a programmer...for me, the "OMFG THE COMPUTERS ARE ON FUCKING FIRE!!!!!!!" emails, which are always CC'd to at least 10 people, end up being something stupid like<p>"Reset your password...that box, the one that keeps popping up telling you that you need to reset your password, what it generally means is that your password has expired and that YOU NEED TO RESET IT!"<p>My favorite is when a printer runs out of toner and I get an email saying "Help!" (which I <i>loathe</i>) "we're all 'down' over here and can't get anything! HELP! SORRY FOR BUGGING YOU!"<p>This drives me insane because:<p>A) Stop using "help", you're not 6 years old, you haven't fallen down a well<p>B) You know how to change the toner, there is a <i>stack</i> of toners sitting right next to your printer.<p>C) You're not "down", "everyone" is not "down"...<i>you</i> specifically cannot print, the printer is <i>telling</i> you that you can't print, and it's even <i>telling</i> you how to fix the problem, just LOOK AT IT!<p>D) Saying "sorry for bugging you" has got to be one of the most obnoxious things you could even possibly say. Stop. If you need something, just ask for it.<p>Comic related: <a href="http://newslily.com/comics/17" rel="nofollow">http://newslily.com/comics/17</a><p>Also, in some ways this: <a href="http://newslily.com/comics/24" rel="nofollow">http://newslily.com/comics/24</a>

This is how <i>we</i> handle those emails:<p>Reply to <i>The Vague Email</i> option A: This might be one of the 8 reported errors in your version, does any of the following apply to your situation (link-to-bug-tickets)? Please check if upgrading to version+1 beta (link) fixes the problem. If not, please if possible provide an exact step-by-step reproduction recipe, as described on <a href="http://somewhere/how-to-report-errors" rel="nofollow">http://somewhere/how-to-report-errors</a>.<p>Reply to <i>The Vague Email</i> option B: This is not a known error, and XYZ works for me. Please if possible provide an exact step-by-step reproduction recipe, as described on <a href="http://somewhere/how-to-report-errors" rel="nofollow">http://somewhere/how-to-report-errors</a>.<p>Reply to <i>The End of the World Email</i>: None. This is always more political than technical, so the department leader gets to handle these ... people.<p>Reply to <i>The Red Herring Email</i>: Yes, it is working. Can you please give details as described on as described on <a href="http://somewhere/how-to-report-errors" rel="nofollow">http://somewhere/how-to-report-errors</a> ?<p>Reply to <i>The Ideal Email</i>: Thank you for the detailed report. We will start working on this issue immediately/next tuesday/next month. You can try workaround ZYX or download version+1 beta in the meantime. If the problem becomes urgent, please let us know.

<i>The End of the World Email -- URGENT!!! System is down! NONE of our users can do XYZ! Please advise!!!11!</i><p>I'd love to get one that actually said "advise". I usually get "please advice".

Or what about the:<p>"My brother/brother in law/uncle is a plumber/chiropractor/architect and all the software they have sucks! How about they tell you what they want, you build it, and we can cut you in for 20%"

Actually, one of our customers started writing "Thank you!" e-mails one or two weeks ago. I guess my boss managed to convince her that twenty hours of support per day is <i>not</i> the norm.

I find I can get more of the last kind of emails when I'm working with one or two folks who appreciate knowing how to get their issues solved. i.e. I train the folks I work with on how to help me help them. It takes time and there are usually only a handful of people who will do this, the rest will continue to do what they always do. But every little bit helps. My biggest satisfaction comes when new employees learn from my favorite few without me having to teach them. :)

"We've been having this [really easy to diagnose and solve] problem and haven't been able to use your product for 3 days."<p>"I'm in the middle of doing a demo at [big prospect] and had [obscure problem] when doing [something nobody's tested]."<p>"Why didn't we do [proposed solution that was argued at length for weeks before choosing the current one]?"<p>"Thanks to [list of everyone except the guy that really did all the work] for working so hard on this release."

"My computer is messed up. It keeps saying X."<p>"It's right, believe it."<p>"Umm... really? Hey, that worked!"

I will say that I'm glad to have a few clients who'll throw me something like the Ideal Email.

I do a lot of free coding for people, and my most favorite email is "YOU CHEATED ME AND GAVE ME A BROKEN SCRIPT!" because they didn't understand how to use it.<p>I've almost never gotten the 4th and best type of email =/

I only count 3 types of email, I have yet to spot an example of the 'ideal email' in the wild!

You forgot the 5th one:<p>"We're sorry to say we couldn't accept your proposal for funding."

Sadly, we hapless programmers are the only ones who will ever read this blog post.