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People Like You More Than You Know

577 点作者 ALee超过 6 年前

31 条评论

sureaboutthis超过 6 年前
These are true stories. I don&#x27;t wish to come across as bragging.<p>The last day of a job I had for seven years, the director of engineering told me I was the best engineer he ever knew. And he worked for some pretty well known engineering firms. If he had told me that before, I might not have left.<p>A woman came into my office--someone who didn&#x27;t seem to want to give me the time of day--and the conversation got around to her telling me how depressed she was about her life and loves. After maybe 10 minutes, she thanked me for being such a good listener and said something about I was just so charismatic. I almost fell out of my chair.<p>I taught electronics at a trade school to a morning class for a couple of years. There were hundreds of students, and I knew I was a good teacher, but I didn&#x27;t think the students thought once about me when they went home. On my last day of work, one of the guys asked me to give a special last lecture on a topic. As I walked into the room, I was followed by students from my class, the afternoon class and the evening class! They filled the room and presented me with a fairly expensive bottle of whiskey.<p>I&#x27;ve had a few girls tell me, after it was too late, that they always had a crush on me. Well, I was interested in them, too.<p>If someone would have just said something sooner, life, for me, would be totally different now.
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sharkweek超过 6 年前
I&#x27;m sure this is true.<p>Another thing I&#x27;m sure of is how little time most people spend thinking about other people. Even the people in my life I don&#x27;t care for, I rarely spend more than a passing moment thinking about them, even if they&#x27;re in the same room.<p>The ones I do think about a lot are the ones I love (wife, children, closest friends).<p>Despite knowing this, though, I&#x27;ll admit that I can spend a lot of time thinking about <i>That One Dumb Thing I Said at Dinner Around My Friends</i> - again, though, I&#x27;m 99% sure most people don&#x27;t remember the dumb or embarrassing things others say or do.
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toomanybeersies超过 6 年前
It&#x27;s one thing to know this, but another to actually feel it.<p>For a variety of reasons, I get quite bad paranoia sometimes that nobody actually <i>likes</i> me. I feel like at best they tolerate me, and at worst are using me. It&#x27;s a really shitty feeling to feel. It&#x27;s caused me to drift away from a lot of friendships because I think &quot;they don&#x27;t really like me&quot;, and then months or years later, I run into them and they ask me why I drifted away.<p>It took me quite a lot of time to come to terms with the fact that it&#x27;s just my brain fucking with me. I still can&#x27;t shake the feeling sometimes, but at least I can recognise it and work around it. It&#x27;s a weird cognitive dissonance to have, to know that all your friends like you and enjoy your company, but at the same time feeling like a piece of shit that nobody wants to be around.
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piazz超过 6 年前
I transferred into my university as a junior. I was older than my peers, having trod a somewhat unconventional life path before transferring. My first year at the new university, I felt felt alienated and invisible. While I made a few close friends, I couldn&#x27;t seem to really integrate into the larger social fabric of the place. People just didn&#x27;t seem to care about me.<p>Or, so I thought. One day at a party, after enduring this perceived ostracization for two semesters, a very drunk close friend pulled me aside to tell me that <i>everybody</i> thought I was this &quot;mysterious transfer who thought he was too cool to talk to anybody&quot;. Everybody wanted to talk to me.<p>Most everybody knew of me, a number of girls had crushes (!!!), and a few flattering (though unfortunately, untrue) rumors even circulated about my exciting life before coming to school. Everybody wanted to get to know me but I apparently exuded some aura of elitism that kept people at bay.<p>I was stunned, to say the least.<p>So yeah, we never know what others think of us. I never quite recouped my squandered social capital, but it was a huge wakeup call that I&#x27;ll carry with me through life. We can rarely trust our internal critics when it comes to evaluating what people think of us, and sadly, we miss opportunities because of it.
finaliteration超过 6 年前
It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I’m convinced that they aren’t constantly annoyed by me and everything that I say. I hide it pretty well.<p>Sartre was on to something with his comments about “the gaze of the Other”.
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cyberferret超过 6 年前
I spent the first 40 years of my life wanting to be liked by everybody. I would go out of my way to be polite, not to cause waves or friction, and to basically be the &#x27;nice guy&#x27; that everyone would like and be comfortable around.<p>It wasn&#x27;t until I went to a personal development seminar, and the speaker was a very frank gentleman who said - &quot;Look, whenever you walk into a room of 10 people you&#x27;ve never met, you will find 1, maybe 2 of them that you will like immediately and instantly get along with. 6 or 7 of the rest, you will probably become friends or acquaintances with through the course of time. The remainder will never like you no matter what you say or do.&quot;<p>Understanding that was a huge shift for me internally. I stopped trying to impress everyone, but instead focused on people who showed interest in interacting with me in all social situations. My friendships tended to stay the same, but my personal happiness levels increased markedly, and I stopped feeling guilty or worrying about what I did wrong when the odd person was unfriendly or ignored me. I feel free enough to just be &#x27;me&#x27; again. The old saying of &quot;You can&#x27;t please all of the people all of the time&quot; certainly rings true.
peterlk超过 6 年前
I imagine this will get buried in the comments, but this brings up a separate truth that I have only recently begun to discover.<p>People just want company.<p>I have a tendency to assume that I don&#x27;t have a meaningful relationship with someone with whom I have not spoken to extensively. Or, similarly, that they don&#x27;t like me if we don&#x27;t speak when we&#x27;re together.<p>Something I&#x27;ve learned through traveling is that sharing silence with people is just as important as sharing words with them, and people like you either way. Sitting at a cafe or in a backyard having a drink quietly is all we need. We just want to feel acknowledged
andrew_超过 6 年前
This is true of open source contribution as well. A few moons ago, I (relatively) quietly stepped away from a rather large open source project that I had contributed a fair amount of impactful projects to. There was no fan-fair made about my departure from any party, including myself. As time passes and people find out, they&#x27;ve reached out to say how much they appreciated what I had done - much more so than when I was active on the project.<p>It&#x27;s deeply satisfying on many levels to hear as much.
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thanatropism超过 6 年前
I saw a reference to this (not sure if the same article) idea about a week ago and started talking to people at work as if they want to like me if they can find a way to. I&#x27;ve been since feeling less alienated from the broader staff (outside our five-person technical team).<p>I didn&#x27;t have any reason to believe it, but thought it was a fun meme and the placebo effect might be pleasing. What, maybe I&#x27;ve begun going out of my way to charm people by believing this is what they want.<p>I should reread &quot;How to make friends and influence people&quot; -- I remember it being a repetitive litany of &quot;try to please people&quot;. But maybe this is the whole point -- people want to like you, but they may need some help.
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chrisweekly超过 6 年前
This reminds me of the saying, &quot;We&#x27;re not who we think we are. Nor are we what others think we are. Rather, we are who we think others think we are.&quot;
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jcadam超过 6 年前
Other than my wife, I really don&#x27;t care if people like me anymore. I want to be respected and taken seriously. Anything beyond that is gravy.
nojvek超过 6 年前
It has two cookie notices that cover more than half the screen. Wow! Why do we present this horrible UX when the user has no course of action. You’ll be tracked anyway right ?
Moodles超过 6 年前
Also not wishing to brag. The craziest example of this I can think of from my own life is that during one particularly crazy house party during my graduate days I ended up super drunk and waking up in this girl’s bed the next morning. When I was sober I regretted it quite massively. But the morning was horrible. She said how she had liked me for ages and how everyone thinks I’m this great guy but I don’t even know it. It was truly bizarre because I never realised she liked me at all. In fact, we used to argue a lot about random topics like political things and so on. I thought I annoyed her. It was just a bizarre and awful morning.<p>So I suppose a corollary of “people care about you more than you know” is that you need to treat people as well as they deserve.
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Joe-Z超过 6 年前
Is this really the problem though?<p>The author claims her reason for not being able to „mingle“ with a room full of people is that she‘s afraid people won‘t like her. For me at least, the reason is more like missing relevance. Why should I talk to stranger X instead of stranger Y? And what would we even be talking _about_? That‘s what is holding me back from starting conversations.<p>Sure, not being able to tell if people like you is a problem. But in my opinion this only comes into play _after_ you‘ve made first contact.
qubax超过 6 年前
What does that even mean? I&#x27;m sure some like me more than I think and some hate me more than I think. But mostly 99% of the people don&#x27;t care because they have their lives to lead.<p>Are there people I like more than they know. Sure. Are there people I hate more than they know. Absolutely. But really 99.99% of the people don&#x27;t matter. I don&#x27;t think about them or them me.<p>Ultimately, you care about your family and friends. Do people waste their time wondering if &quot;people&quot; like you or not?
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eiieirurjdndjd超过 6 年前
I need this taped on the ceiling above my bed, to my door, to my office, etc.
therealdrag0超过 6 年前
Source research: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov&#x2F;pubmed&#x2F;30183512" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov&#x2F;pubmed&#x2F;30183512</a><p>&quot;The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?&quot;<p>Abstract:<p>Having conversations with new people is an important and rewarding part of social life. Yet conversations can also be intimidating and anxiety provoking, and this makes people wonder and worry about what their conversation partners really think of them. Are people accurate in their estimates? We found that following interactions, people systematically underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them and enjoyed their company, an illusion we call the liking gap. We observed the liking gap as strangers got acquainted in the laboratory, as first-year college students got to know their dorm mates, and as formerly unacquainted members of the general public got to know each other during a personal development workshop. The liking gap persisted in conversations of varying lengths and even lasted for several months, as college dorm mates developed new relationships. Our studies suggest that after people have conversations, they are liked more than they know.
peter303超过 6 年前
Life is too short to wallow in self-pity. Give yourself more credit.
CitizenTekk超过 6 年前
I think it has also have something to do on how you look towards life. If you are more like to be optimistic about life, you&#x27;re doing the same as much as you look towards other people.<p>But if you have other reasons as for like you&#x27;ve gone through traumatic experience, I think it will have effect about on how you will connect to people thou some process like counselling may work things out for them it still depends on your status and outlook towards life. Financially, emotionally and physically.
JepZ超过 6 年前
I am sure it depends on the topic you are talking about. When I see something that doesn&#x27;t match my ideals, I start talking about it, which creates some sort of a negative atmosphere.<p>While I am sure the people around me value that perspicacity to some extent, I feel like sometimes they wish I would just shut up and let things be like they are without focussing on imperfections that surround us.<p>So being positive probably is a better way to make people appreciate your presence.
sigfubar超过 6 年前
Does it really matter what others think? Too much of our self-worth is tied up in the fleeting opinions of others. There are only two opinions that matter to me: my wife’s and my daughter’s. The rest of humanity is made up of people I interact with for a specific purpose, such as work, and those interactions are governed by certain rules. Within such frameworks we play our roles and go our separate ways after, and no one’s self esteem needs to be hurt.
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badrabbit超过 6 年前
Curious on how much cognitive dissonance is caused by this. &quot;I believe they don&#x27;t like me. I also believe I need them to like me.&quot;
davesque超过 6 年前
Anyone got a link to the paper referenced? I followed the link in the article but got hit with a login wall.
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hashkb超过 6 年前
I highly doubt this is true. More likely, people won&#x27;t officially admit how much they hate each other. But all you have to do is listen to any group talk about an absent friend to hear reliably negative feedback.
sulam超过 6 年前
I have a much better reason for not “mingling” than that: It’s a colossal waste of time! 60s conversations that inevitably end just when they might get interesting is pretty much my definition of hell.
noobiemcfoob超过 6 年前
Yeah, but none of that helps with me not liking <i>them</i>
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m3kw9超过 6 年前
To make that statement, it means people massively overestimate how much people hates them.
emersonrsantos超过 6 年前
People too busy trying to look perfect, or thinking how to fix their problems, are too busy to think and praise your ego.
forkerenok超过 6 年前
One question:<p>Insecurities come before or after that? Is it a cause or an effect? Or neither?
swingline-747超过 6 年前
Liking, respect and depth of rapport are overlapping but different. Some people like a fool but don&#x27;t respect them, and respect a criminal without liking them. Others have deep rapport with someone they&#x27;re ambivalent about because of circumstances.
budadre75超过 6 年前
If we can just tell if others like us, like IOI from the seduction community, we wouldn&#x27;t treat others as if they don&#x27;t like us, so the self-fulfilling prophecy of the inner critic won&#x27;t be the reality.