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How to parent more predictably (2018)

555 点作者 wheresvic1将近 6 年前

35 条评论

zubspace将近 6 年前
There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting:<p>* Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help).<p>* If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss&#x2F;explain the current situation and how we will act next time.<p>* It&#x27;s always good to figure out how your kid feels in a bad situation. Like: &quot;I guess you&#x27;re feeling &lt;a&gt;, because of &lt;b&gt;?&quot; Sometimes kids do not understand their own feelings and telling them helps them cope better.<p>* Try to stay calm, always. Sometimes it&#x27;s hard or even impossible. But getting loud or angry never helps. If I can keep control of myself I usually can control the situation and respond appropriately.<p>* Your job as a parent is to provide your kid with all necessities of life and with love. Everything else is extra, like toys, sweets, leisure activities. Sometimes it helps to tune down the extras if necessary.<p>* Admit your errors and say sorry if appropriate.<p>There&#x27;s a youtube channel which I actually enjoyed while my youngest one was a bit smaller. It&#x27;s a bit strange to look for help on parenting stuff on youtube, but a lot of his advice was actually quite good I tought: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.youtube.com&#x2F;user&#x2F;LiveOnPurposeTV&#x2F;featured" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.youtube.com&#x2F;user&#x2F;LiveOnPurposeTV&#x2F;featured</a>
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dkarl将近 6 年前
One thing I think my parents did right was never telling me in the heat of the moment how I would be punished. I knew how I was supposed to behave, and they let me know when I was not living up to the standard, but if they decided to punish me, I wouldn&#x27;t find out right away what my punishment would be. The only exception was trivial punishments like being sent to my room or having something taken away for a few hours, or if the behavior problem was ongoing and they had time away from me to talk between themselves and decide what would be appropriate to threaten me with.<p>This accomplished two things. First, they never had to back down on a punishment, because they were careful to only threaten me with things they could stand behind. That meant I never felt any urge to misbehave to call their bluff. Proving parents wrong is irresistible to kids, so if you threaten a punishment you can&#x27;t follow through on, you&#x27;ve just given them a reason to do the thing you&#x27;re told them not to. Even if you punish them in another way, it&#x27;s worth it just to prove you wouldn&#x27;t do what you said.<p>Second, it forced me to actively imagine what an appropriate punishment would be. To get into their heads and imagine how they would punish me, I had to think about why my behavior was wrong from their point of view. Kids spend a lot of time arguing <i>against</i> their parents, in their heads as well as out loud, and I think many kids don&#x27;t have enough occasion to go through the opposite process of thinking <i>with</i> their parents to try to predict their behavior.
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acjohnson55将近 6 年前
One of my best tools with my toddler is &quot;don&#x27;t react, respond&quot;. My first thought is rarely my best thought, and my reactionary tone of voice is not my most loving and supportive. A kid doesn&#x27;t need your immediate answer to everything. You can tell them, &quot;let me think about that&quot; and literally take the time to consider your options. Almost nothing is an emergency situation requiring your elevated tone of voice or physically rushing towards them.<p>Another tip is that if you see your kid either doing or about to do something you don&#x27;t approve of, you can slowly close the physical distance so that you can intervene in a non-reactionary way.<p>Lastly, when it comes to predictability, I totally agree with the author. But don&#x27;t be too hard on yourself. You&#x27;re going to establish all sorts of bad patterns. Just establish the new pattern, suffer through the couple days of reaction to change, and move forward. My toddler is much better at adopting new normals than I am.<p>A lot of this I learned from being a classroom teacher and also from listening to Janet Lansbury&#x27;s podcast (<a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.janetlansbury.com&#x2F;podcast-audio&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.janetlansbury.com&#x2F;podcast-audio&#x2F;</a>).
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ca98am79将近 6 年前
I&#x27;ve read a lot of parenting advice and it all sounds good in theory, but in practice everything goes out the window. I&#x27;m in the throws of it now with a 9-month old and a 3-year old. It is hard to think about advice you read in an article when you have not slept and the kids are screaming and having a trantrum. Or you try to do what the article said and then it doesn&#x27;t work at all and only makes things worse.<p>I think you just have to wing it and do your best. Just be intuitive and as empathetic as possible with your kids.
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alexandercrohde将近 6 年前
I used to spend time and energy collecting thoughts on how I could be a great parent.<p>Then one day my aunt told me she was mad at her father for being &quot;too logical&quot; when raising her because it gave her unrealistic expectations.<p>Then I started to question everything... If a parent never misbehaved is a kid going to be thrown for a loop when they meet emotional teachers? Did my own fathers weaknesses force me to develop greater strengths?
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sambeau将近 6 年前
One of the easiest ways to be predictable is to tell children what is happening and what is about to happen soon—especially if it will cut short a game or a play session.<p>I have experienced so many tantrums of other people&#x27;s children when they surprise their children with home time when the child is completely engrossed in playing. Children are constantly making their own plans and may have been expecting their turn with a toy or be only half-way through building something when they are told to pack up and leave. If it was me I&#x27;d be furious too.<p>I like to give a few warnings so that they can get a feel for how long they have left and I tell them to start thinking about packing up, to get to a checkpoint as soon as they can so they can save their game and if they are waiting their turn with something, now would be a good time to have a final swap over.<p>I can&#x27;t recall a time when my kids had a tantrum at leaving time.
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cm2012将近 6 年前
There&#x27;s a pretty large body of twin study evidence that says as long as you don&#x27;t abuse your kids, your parenting styles don&#x27;t matter to their long term personality (or outcomes, when you adjust for parental income)<p>One such study here: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.tandfonline.com&#x2F;doi&#x2F;abs&#x2F;10.1080&#x2F;07418820701864599" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.tandfonline.com&#x2F;doi&#x2F;abs&#x2F;10.1080&#x2F;0741882070186459...</a>
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marktangotango将近 6 年前
We’ve found timeouts are very effective with our kids. Although one parent is more consistent about applying them than the other. One thing we’ve learned is that time out with an angry child is not especially effective. So as our kids have gotten older we will have them owe us a time out for when they’re more calm and can actually get something from it.<p>We’ve also found devices are gold for discipline. Our routine is 20 min before bed on weekdays, 20 min after meals on weekends. Usually we just have to threaten losing screen time, ie if I ask them to pick up theirs shoes 5 times the sixth time will be “or else”.<p>Generally consistency is key, and picking your battles as the author alludes to.<p>There is one downside to raising children in a consistent, predictable, and logical environment. That is; they’re less prepared to deal with chaotic people and situations as adults.
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RobertRoberts将近 6 年前
We have some family friends that are decent people, but lousy parents.<p>After about 16 years of observation two of their kids have graduated (one with honors) and the older they get, the more decent they have become, very similar to their parents.<p>What I learned: Kids will turn out like their parents. And poorly skilled parents can still raise decent and well behaved kids.<p>Who you are and how you treat people is more important than technical skills to get your kids to behave.
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leokennis将近 6 年前
The author rightfully states that being rich(er) helps in being more predictable. Likewise, to be good at parenting it also helps a lot to have “nice kids”. That’s why I take a lot of advice with a big grain of salt.<p>My 4 year old is a really soft, sweet and sensitive boy. Just saying something like “it would be great if you cleaned up that mess of Duplo!” results in him immediately doing it. So is my tip to get kids to clean up “just suggest they do it?” No, because it will probably not work on most other kids who are more stubborn and less sensitive to maintaining a positive atmosphere.
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jwr将近 6 年前
If you want to be better at parenting, get a dog first, and learn how to deal with dogs. Properly, using modern behavioral techniques. You will find that many rules apply both to dogs and kids (which shouldn&#x27;t be surprising, really).<p>Things like consistency (try to set as few rules as possible, but if you do set them, enforce them without exceptions), deciding ahead of time and sticking to it assertively (do not change your decision based on pleading), calmness (dogs do not follow or listen to people who are agitated and nervous), avoiding too much control (do not issue too many commands), enforcing control (when you do issue a command, it needs to be obeyed, and not repeated), and punishment (calm, immediate, understandable, predictable and linked to the transgression) — you can learn all of those while properly raising a dog.<p>Also, never lie to your kid (or dog) and answer their every question seriously.
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lazyant将近 6 年前
A pattern that I see a lot in parks etc is parents wanting to leave and telling the little kids &quot;5 more minutes!&quot; then after 5 minutes &quot;just one more minute!&quot; or whatever. Pro-tip: kids are not aware of what 5 minutes looks like, make it a specific number of activities: &quot;going down the slide 10 times more&quot;, you can count together and it looks initially like a large number. Not a magic wand but works way better than the time warnings.
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rotrux将近 6 年前
I think it&#x27;s better to be unpredictable.<p>Once or twice a year I like to throw my kids into a pit-maze, which I&#x27;ve been digging for the past several months, and fill it with various kinds of dangerous creatures and turn on strobe lights.<p>Do they hate it? Sure the ones who make it out definitely do, but that&#x27;s life. I&#x27;m preparing them for life.
beat将近 6 年前
Raising twins pushed me way over to the nature side of nature vs nurture. What works well for one child may be entirely counterproductive for another.<p>That said, one thing this article really gets right is the importance of not letting your emotions control your mouth and making threats&#x2F;promises that you can&#x27;t&#x2F;won&#x27;t keep. I also think it&#x27;s very important that when you screw up while parenting (and you will screw up), that you be sure to take responsibility and apologize to your children. I think a lot of parents think apologizing will make them look weak or diminish their authority, when it&#x27;s really the opposite.
ycombonator将近 6 年前
No child is the same. Timeouts ended up traumatizing our child. Anyway I came across this and started to experiment some of the principles from here <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.npr.org&#x2F;sections&#x2F;goatsandsoda&#x2F;2019&#x2F;03&#x2F;13&#x2F;685533353&#x2F;a-playful-way-to-teach-kids-to-control-their-anger" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.npr.org&#x2F;sections&#x2F;goatsandsoda&#x2F;2019&#x2F;03&#x2F;13&#x2F;6855333...</a>
sequoia将近 6 年前
My advice to new parents is to ignore most people&#x27;s advice &amp; trust their instincts. The best response to the deluge of &quot;you&#x27;re parenting wrong&quot; articles is to tell the authors of such articles, politely but firmly, to go pound sand.<p>Sure, read books and articles to learn <i>strategies</i> you can try, tools for your toolbox, but ultimately, &quot;relax–you&#x27;ll figure it out!&quot; is the best advice. Most parents care immensely about their children &amp; this fact is more likely to lead them to parent well than any article or &quot;tip.&quot;<p>Source: I&#x27;ve been a parent about my entire adult life (since 20), I have 4 kids, I&#x27;ve read a ton of stupid parenting articles, as a young parent everyone felt comfortable giving me parenting advice.
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J-dawg将近 6 年前
I bookmarked this article ages ago because the advice seems so sensible. This post just reminded me of it.<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;blog.codinghorror.com&#x2F;how-to-talk-to-human-beings&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;blog.codinghorror.com&#x2F;how-to-talk-to-human-beings&#x2F;</a>
guest2143将近 6 年前
This book changed how I parent: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.goodreads.com&#x2F;en&#x2F;book&#x2F;show&#x2F;6162649-healing-stories-for-challenging-behaviour" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.goodreads.com&#x2F;en&#x2F;book&#x2F;show&#x2F;6162649-healing-stori...</a><p>The ability to modify behavior by singing a couplet from a story I read -- no raising of voices, or wagging of fingers -- was revelatory.<p>It&#x27;s from the waldorf educational tradition.
ben7799将近 6 年前
My kid is a bit of a behavior problem.<p>The worst thing about some of this is these days so many of us are stuck leaving our kids with day care&#x2F;school so much of the time, and plenty of these &quot;professionals&quot;, don&#x27;t get this stuff.<p>Day care here ran about $2k&#x2F;month and the education level of the teachers was just not up to par for that amount of money. I always wondered where the money was going, they all had college degrees but got paid 1&#x2F;2 or less what public teachers do in this area. There was a ton of bragging from management at the day care about how great the academic start was (this chain even brags about higher SAT scores!) and I think it was mostly hogwash. I was always thinking someone was making a lot of money on the day cares as it was not hard to figure out their approximate gross revenue&#x2F;month. So often the day care was making things worse... take one step forward at home and 2 steps back at day care.<p>Thankfully my child is in public school now, we have a great school system, and the teachers are a million times better at dealing with this stuff in productive ways.
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bjcubsfan将近 6 年前
Advice from Alan Kazdin from Yale has influenced my parenting of my 4 young boys more than any other single source. His recommendations against punishment are based on the fact that research shows they are not effective for long-term behavior change in children. It is challenging to use the methods in heated moments, but even without perfect application, they have been helpful.<p>Here is an article that introduces the ideas:<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.theatlantic.com&#x2F;health&#x2F;archive&#x2F;2016&#x2F;03&#x2F;no-spanking-no-time-out-no-problems&#x2F;475440&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.theatlantic.com&#x2F;health&#x2F;archive&#x2F;2016&#x2F;03&#x2F;no-spanki...</a><p>Here is his book, that has full details and many examples:<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.amazon.com&#x2F;Everyday-Parenting-Toolkit-Step-Step-ebook&#x2F;dp&#x2F;B008LQ1VU8&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.amazon.com&#x2F;Everyday-Parenting-Toolkit-Step-Step-...</a>
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jvagner将近 6 年前
My single greatest piece of advice:<p>Institute a safe word with your child. It goes both ways, no exceptions. When the safe word is issued, whatever was safeworded stops.<p>Typical rules of safe words, but my kid is 15 and we still use the safe word when things are going wayward (jokes, fights, annoyances, repetitions, references). Probably started it when he was 1 or 2.<p>Second favorite bit of advice:<p>Routines (brushing teeth, going to bed, leaving the house) should be as close to silent, w&#x2F;r&#x2F;t instructions, as possible. Talk to each other, but don&#x27;t negotiate &quot;whatever&#x27;s next&quot; or &quot;c&#x27;mon&quot; or &quot;hurry up&quot;.
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socialist_coder将近 6 年前
I feel like if you don&#x27;t do this stuff intuitively, you can&#x27;t really learn it.<p>My only data point is my SO. No matter how many times I try to coach my SO on these very simple parenting rules, she just doesn&#x27;t get it. She makes threats she cannot follow through with, she doesn&#x27;t think of simple &quot;if you do this then we&#x27;ll do that&quot; tricks, and doesn&#x27;t use the simple 1-2-3 timeout method.<p>All that stuff seems very intuitive to me. But I think some people just don&#x27;t get it and never will.
sudosteph将近 6 年前
I&#x27;m glad the author here called out that being predictable via following through on &quot;rules&quot; isn&#x27;t enough - rules need to comprehensible and reasonable in their own right to be understood. He&#x27;s also got a good grasp on the importance of properly phrasing things for children to understand. His point here seemed spot on:<p>&gt; Similarly, adults understand that you don&#x27;t have authority over everyone around you, but with kids phrasing like &quot;Mama can read to you when we get home&quot; isn&#x27;t as good as &quot;I&#x27;ll ask Mama if she&#x27;ll read to you when we get home.&quot; Or, even better, &quot;when we get home you can ask Mama if she&#x27;ll read to you.<p>Reminds me of a piece I read here a while ago [1] about how Mr. Rogers would intentionally phrase things very carefully on his show in order to avoid ambiguity. He also emphasized phrasing things in a way that gave the child some insight into the reasoning and a sense of responsibility - so they could feel good about doing the right thing instead of just learning blind obedience.<p>[1] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.theatlantic.com&#x2F;family&#x2F;archive&#x2F;2018&#x2F;06&#x2F;mr-rogers-neighborhood-talking-to-kids&#x2F;562352&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.theatlantic.com&#x2F;family&#x2F;archive&#x2F;2018&#x2F;06&#x2F;mr-rogers...</a>
bg4将近 6 年前
We&#x27;ve had a lot of success with praising desired behaviors rather than discipline of unwanted behaviors. Also, using &#x27;think throughs&#x27; has been an effective teaching tool (ask the child to think through and say out loud what needs to be done etc)<p>Per: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.goodreads.com&#x2F;book&#x2F;show&#x2F;14391149-calmer-easier-happier-parenting" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.goodreads.com&#x2F;book&#x2F;show&#x2F;14391149-calmer-easier-h...</a>
tmp2846将近 6 年前
One my most painful realizations as an adult was realizing that my parents were emotionally negligent and that I have long suffered from CPTSD as a result. They treated parenting as if it was just providing food and shelter and failed to realize that good parenting is actually about teaching your kids to be emotionally mature. I struggle with feelings of emptiness, depersonalization, and numbness in ways that make it hard to feel normal most days.
astrostl将近 6 年前
Grunching in a way that I hope doesn&#x27;t come off as santimomious. I grew up with foster kids and have acute awareness of how creatively foster parents can get around &quot;no hitting&quot; rules with medieval stuff like time outs barefoot in the dark in a winter garage. Ultimately feel that &quot;no hitting&quot; is striking at the branches, but not the root.<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.amazon.com&#x2F;Dont-Shoot-Dog-Teaching-Training&#x2F;dp&#x2F;1860542387&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.amazon.com&#x2F;Dont-Shoot-Dog-Teaching-Training&#x2F;dp&#x2F;1...</a> was a radically eye-opening book for me, particularly as it related to parenting. I don&#x27;t believe that hitting, or yelling, or other forms of intimidation, or time outs, or the concept of punishment at all is either good or ultimately effective. And anecdatally that approach has worked out great for us and our kids.
mekane8将近 6 年前
I really like these tips. My wife and I have followed a very similar approach, and I like to think we have two well-behaved, considerate, and appropriately responsible 5-year-olds.<p>We find timeouts to be quite effective, and we use the clear &quot;you need to do X or it&#x27;s a timeout&quot; and then clearly counting to three. This is often after a few attempts to ask in a regular tone of voice and&#x2F;or cajole. In fact I have found the number of timeouts we actually give has decreased dramatically, and just counting does the trick now when we need them to respond quickly.<p>My wife and I were both classroom teachers in the past, so we&#x27;ve both been able to use some of those tools with our kids. We do of course let them be kids, let them have their occasional freak-out moments, and we couch all of this in a lot of love, affection, and communication.
achenatx将近 6 年前
Another thing I havent seen mentioned is rather than punish (by taking away things) for bad behavior, you should be rewarding for good behavior. Meaning every privilege has to be earned.<p>This is a subtle difference but works well. The default for most people is you get to play electronics. If you are bad we are taking them away. Instead, the default should be you do X, Y and Z, to earn the privilege to play with electronics. This is every single day.<p>Instead of you didnt clean your room, you dont get to play electronics. It would be, you cleaned your room, you earned some electronics time.
happy-go-lucky将近 6 年前
Sometimes I pity myself for I’m currently not able to spend an adequate amount of time with our only child. Until a couple years ago we used to go play in a playground on a daily basis and this helped us properly bond with our child. Even my child’s academic performance was better back then. Now that we are less outdoorsy thanks to being too busy to have fun, we have become weary of our monotony. It is my experiential learning: the less time we spend together, the more we lose in terms of our family bonding.
canercandan将近 6 年前
You may also try Non-violent Communication, that&#x27;s the way I would do with my kids.
shearskill将近 6 年前
The book 1-2-3 Magic tames even the wildest kids if you are consistent. It feels humane to give kids a few chances to change their trajectory. Highly recommend.
jefftk将近 6 年前
I hope my post ends up being helpful! Here are a few others I&#x27;ve written about parenting that might be interesting:<p>* <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.jefftk.com&#x2F;p&#x2F;equal-parenting-advice-for-dads" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.jefftk.com&#x2F;p&#x2F;equal-parenting-advice-for-dads</a><p>* <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.jefftk.com&#x2F;p&#x2F;parenting-optional-vs-required" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.jefftk.com&#x2F;p&#x2F;parenting-optional-vs-required</a><p>* <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.jefftk.com&#x2F;p&#x2F;street-training" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.jefftk.com&#x2F;p&#x2F;street-training</a>
kr4将近 6 年前
A good reading on mindful parenting is [0]:<p>&gt;&gt;&gt; Mahatma Gandhi’s son Manilal Gandhi moved to South Africa to carry on the work his father had left behind – fight against injustice and discrimination. One day, Manilal had a daylong meeting in Johannesburg and he asked his son, Arun Gandhi, to drive him there. Arun thought this would be a good opportunity to also get his car serviced. They left for the meeting in the morning. In Arun’s words: I dropped my father off for his meeting and got the car to the garage by one. Since it was a long time until five o’clock, I figured I could go to the movies, which I did. That day there was a double feature being shown, and when I got out I checked my watch and realized that it was past five o’clock! I rushed to the corner where my father had said he would be waiting for me, and when I saw him there, standing in the rain, I tried to think of excuses I could make. I rushed up to him and said, ‘Father, you must forgive me. It is taking them longer to repair the automobile than I thought it would take, but if you wait here I will go and get the car. It should be ready by now.’ My father bowed his head and looked downward. He stood for a long moment and then he said, ‘When you were not here at our meeting time I called the garage to see why you were late. They told me that the automobile was ready at three o’clock. Now I have to give some thought as to how I have failed, so as to have a son who would lie to his own father. I will have to think about this, so I am going to walk home and use the time during my walk to meditate on this question.’ I followed my elderly father home that rainy, misty night, watching him stagger along the muddy road. I rode behind him with the headlights of the car flashing ahead of his steps. And as I watched him stumbling towards home, I beat on the steering wheel and said over and over, ‘I will never lie again! I will never lie again! I will never lie again!&#x27; What struck me as particularly interesting in this story was how Manilal didn’t shame his son, he didn’t start shouting at him or telling him how Arun had failed him as a son. Instead, he seemed to have understood one thing clearly: children do love their parents. They may act or behave otherwise but deep down they love their parents and need their parents’ love and presence in their lives. We can never inspire anyone to do anything by creating fear in their minds or by shaming them. We may force a child – or even an adult – to do something and they may do it well temporarily, but to instill in them a lifelong habit or to inspire them, love remains the only potent weapon. And no, by this I don’t mean mollycoddling. I simply mean embracing a sense of acceptance.<p>0: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.amazon.com&#x2F;Children-Tomorrow-Monks-Mindful-Parenting&#x2F;dp&#x2F;9353029341" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.amazon.com&#x2F;Children-Tomorrow-Monks-Mindful-Paren...</a>
hamilyon2将近 6 年前
This article ignores large body of knowledge about parenting, unapplicable in most cultures and families in the world. I tried it personally. Techniques described serve no good purpose, just irritate everyone and ultimately destroys family from inside
namuol将近 6 年前
Apparently parenting is all about consistency in punishment.<p>What about reward?