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It's later than you think

914 点作者 cloudytoday超过 5 年前

44 条评论

codebeaker超过 5 年前
I took a step back in my career to work from home, and bring my kids to the kindergarten with my bike some days, and take a late lunch and eat their &quot;dinner&quot; with them, and it has been totally, totally worth-it.<p>Remote work being a set-back is possibly a side-effect of how I selected my new gig, but it has suited me so well, I don&#x27;t care about the (temporary) career stagnation.<p>Beautiful story, I felt it hard.
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ChuckMcM超过 5 年前
Such a heart breaking story. For me it was taking a walk around the office and seeing a private plane take off from San Carlos airport, here its engine sputter, and then watching as it fell from the sky into the &quot;lagoon&quot; next to a hotel. Life ends. Really slammed home how a &#x27;normal&#x27; day could suddenly be a really bad day, or your last day.<p>One of the unfortunate challenges of tech work is that as someone young and single you can spend all your time at work with your colleagues building really cool stuff and get the social fix and the financial rewards of lots of hard work. And if you get married and have kids, and suddenly the demands of the family keeps you from putting in the same amount of time at work, well you find yourself either explaining to your boss why you aren&#x27;t getting as much done, or explaining to your spouse why you don&#x27;t seem them as much as they would like. Can be tricky to navigate to a new normal.
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wtvanhest超过 5 年前
IMO, the best PG essay says the same thing differently <a href="http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.paulgraham.com&#x2F;vb.html" rel="nofollow">http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.paulgraham.com&#x2F;vb.html</a>.<p>It has had a profound impact on how I think about everything, but especially the time I spend with our now 1 year old.<p>I&#x27;d recomend everyone read it, and internalize that you only get 52 weekends in a year. You also only get a handful of each holiday with your kids. His words are better than mine, and I encourage everyone to take the 2 minutes needed to read the essay, then implement a life strategy that gets you home with your family more.
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citizenkeen超过 5 年前
I live in Portland. I switched to being a software developer when my son was born, starting a new career.<p>I make probably $20K less than my peers. (I make $82K a year as a fourth year C# software dev. I&#x27;ve got a law degree and am willing to travel around the country a few weeks a year for stakeholder meetings.)<p>I&#x27;m home every day by 3:15. I take my son to the library, to the park, to the forest, to OMSI, on weekdays. Some days he and I just sit on the couch reading and talking about superheroes for two hours until dinner.<p>Do I feel envious of my peers who make more? Yes. A lot. The urge to keep up with the Joneses is strong. Do I second guess my decision? Never. My job is relaxed, I come home and party with my son and wife with energy. I cried reading this story, but it only affirms my decision.
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CalRobert超过 5 年前
Remember that performative workaholism is poison to life. Every time you put in more hours over the weekend &quot;just because&quot;, dial in to a meeting on your vacation, or get on Slack at 10 PM &quot;just to check a few things&quot; - you&#x27;re shifting the culture to make it that much more acceptable to demand it of everyone. The parents in your meetings that run until 7:30 bitterly hate you.<p>It might seem OK when you&#x27;re single, childless, etc. but once that time starts coming from your family you will realize what a prison you&#x27;ve built yourself.<p>STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
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klik99超过 5 年前
I&#x27;m in tears reading this and his wife&#x27;s account (<a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.linkedin.com&#x2F;pulse&#x2F;all-remains-dr-jessica-brandes&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.linkedin.com&#x2F;pulse&#x2F;all-remains-dr-jessica-brande...</a>) - I didn&#x27;t realize how short life was until I realized I only had 52 weeks with each of my one-year-old sons, and stories like this are a reminder about what&#x27;s really important.<p>A friend said it well when I was feeling guilty I wasn&#x27;t putting more time into my work, &quot;No one has ever looked back on their life and said &#x27;I wish I spent less time with my family&#x27;&quot;.
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nscalf超过 5 年前
Just a note for everyone who tends to go through the comments and weigh if they should actually go read the post (I&#x27;m guilty of this), go read the post. Even if you have nothing to relate this to, it&#x27;s a great contrast to the majority of posts on this site. It&#x27;s a breath of fresh, troubling air.
hi41超过 5 年前
My deepest condolences to the family. I hope no parent goes through that experience the author and his family had.<p>On the other had, I met a lady at the gym counter. She looked very tired so I enquired about her. She said it was third job. She said that she was doing that just to barely put enough food on the table for her family. I think some of the benefits IT folks enjoy is not what rest of the world experiences. She too complained that she doesn’t spend enough time with her kids. Life is difficult for so many people that they to make such compromises. The rest of us who can take time off a little should put it to best use.
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ryanmarsh超过 5 年前
Many of us, especially younger folks with income anxiety and families see no other choice but to work slavishly at the expense of time with our families because we see avoiding starvation as more important than quality time. We could all be forgiven for this.<p>I&#x27;ve made it past that phase of my life, having missed the entire first year of my middle daughter&#x27;s life, not being there properly for my family after the loss (cancer) of one of our daughters at 2 1&#x2F;2. My oldest daughter (are you keeping count) who is 18, I barely know and am just now building a relationship with.<p>I have the luxury of not making that mistake with our youngest daughter (we&#x27;re up to 4 girls now) who is now 5. I still remember giving up time at home so that I could ensure I kept my job and was investing in the skills to get the next raise.<p>Hindsight is 20&#x2F;20 and you already know what I&#x27;m going to tell you. You&#x27;d be surprised how little of your stress about your current job translates to you keeping it, but that stress makes you grumpy or distant and difficult to feel love from. You&#x27;d be surprised how something as small as dinner together, tucking them in at night, or an unrushed breakfast, can take so little time but mean so much to you and to them, still leaving you with the time to advance your career on behalf of the ones you love.<p>Please spend those special moments, they&#x27;re so few and they pass so quickly. Your family likely won&#x27;t starve, and maybe even getting fired from a toxic environment will be the break you need to see what else the world has out there for you and your family.<p><i>&quot;For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.&quot;</i><p>Jeremiah 29:11
WA超过 5 年前
I read things like that with totally different eyes than when I had no kids.
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ElijahLynn超过 5 年前
Very touching, I shed a few tears on this part.<p>&quot;I’m guessing you have 1:1 meetings on the books with a lot of people you work with. Do you have them regularly scheduled with your kids?&quot;<p>I am totally doing this, but more like 1:1 days.
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leshow超过 5 年前
Reading this post I can&#x27;t help but feel for the sibling. When I was 5 I lost my sister and best friend; you just aren&#x27;t equipped to deal with the event at that age.
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univalent超过 5 年前
Heartbreaking to read and every parent&#x27;s worst nightmare. Life has become so fast and everyone works too much these days. Growing up in India, I remember my parents (who had challenging jobs as a math prof and doctor) still spent all evening and all weekends with us and my one surviving grandparent also lived with us. Cousins came by every week and there was so much family around. Now, here we are with all this money in a giant house in this expensive place, working 60-70 hours a week and I wonder if I&#x27;m doing right by my kids. Need to spend more time with them..
breck超过 5 年前
Crying as I read this. I can&#x27;t imagine. Thank you for sharing. So sorry for your loss. As a new father, hits home hard. Nothing is more important in life than your family and friends.<p>As a new father, things like SUDEP and SIDS are terrifying. I hope one day technology will improve, so we&#x27;ll have fitness bands or smart cameras or smart mattresses that can detect these rare events and report back data so we can understand them, and hopefully at some point, intervene and prevent them. Sharing your story will hopefully inspire people to keep working on this kind of thing, so hopefully it might help save some other child in the future.
trentnix超过 5 年前
Wow. That’s a jolt of sobriety. God bless this man and his family.
hprotagonist超过 5 年前
<i>No man is an island,<p>Entire of itself.<p>Each is a piece of the continent,<p>A part of the main.<p>If a clod be washed away by the sea,<p>Europe is the less.<p>As well as if a promontory were.<p>As well as if a manor of thine own<p>Or of thine friend&#x27;s were.<p>Each man&#x27;s death diminishes me,<p>For I am involved in mankind.<p>Therefore, send not to know<p>For whom the bell tolls,<p>It tolls for thee.</i><p>I hope you heal in time, and we&#x27;re with you in your grief.
ph0rque超过 5 年前
Wasn&#x27;t planning on wiping away tears from my eyes this evening...
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Aaronstotle超过 5 年前
An incredibly heart-breaking story. I can&#x27;t relate as I&#x27;m younger and just graduated from college last year. However I&#x27;ve lived away from my grandparents and my mom for the last 3 years and I&#x27;d like to move back home so I can spend as much time as I can with them.
A1phab3t超过 5 年前
As a father of a toddler, I really appreciate stories where you get a phone call out of the blue and somebody tells you your child died. I didn&#x27;t have enough anxiety about him already, so thanks for giving me a reason to panic at random phone calls from my wife.
southerndrift超过 5 年前
&gt;Wiley was obsessed with starting a business. One day it was a smoothie stand, the next it would be a gallery, then a VR headset company, then a ‘coder’, then a spaceship building company.<p>To me, this sounds like the father shouldn&#x27;t be worried too much. Wiley loved the way his father was to the point of wanting to emulate him.<p>&gt;Damn, could that kid dance.<p>The kid gave it all, like his father. Without such a role model, would he have been the same kid? Would he have had such a precious life?
dmfjfj超过 5 年前
Thank you very much for this. As adults, we often forget we need to cherish those around us. I hope author finds peace.
anewguy9000超过 5 年前
i went through a very similar experience a year ago. its been hard looking to go back to work, in particular responding to the inevitable question of &quot;what have you been doing the past year&quot;. if you respond truthfully, its so shocking the interviewer never knows how to process it, so almost immediately feels like the doors just close. i know these things dont happen every day, and they are existentially challenging to contemplate, but they do happen. if you&#x27;re responsible for hiring, please remember that your candidates are first and foremost human beings. i wish the author luck when he is ready to begin the next chapter.
callmeal超过 5 年前
I thought it was about my favorite poem [0], but it turned out to be even more heartbreaking.<p>&gt; Lastly, you who read; aye, you<p>&gt;Who this very line may scan:<p>&gt;Think of all you planned to do ...<p>&gt;Have you done the best you can?<p>&gt;See! the tavern lights are low;<p>&gt;Black’s the night, and how you shrink!<p>&gt;God! and is it time to go?<p>&gt;Ah! the clock is always slow;<p>&gt;It is later than you think;<p>&gt;Sadly later than you think;<p>&gt;Far, far later than you think.<p>[0] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.poetryfoundation.org&#x2F;poems&#x2F;46651&#x2F;it-is-later-than-you-think" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.poetryfoundation.org&#x2F;poems&#x2F;46651&#x2F;it-is-later-tha...</a>
guytv超过 5 年前
I don&#x27;t know you, but I send my love and good thoughts.
BlameKaneda超过 5 年前
I don&#x27;t have kids of my own but my SO&#x27;s sister has twin boys, aged 5 months.<p>Reading this article was tough. What if one of her sons doesn&#x27;t wake up one day? What if something happens to both of them?<p>She and her husband have busy careers, and while I won&#x27;t share this article with them (it&#x27;ll probably be a sore spot) I&#x27;m hoping that they&#x27;ll make enough time for their kids.
NKosmatos超过 5 年前
Condolences for your loss...<p>We should all focus on things that matter in our lives and not take as granted that we (or our loved ones) will be around for ever.<p>Stories like this remind me of a nice post about the “lifetime calendar”: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;waitbutwhy.com&#x2F;2014&#x2F;05&#x2F;life-weeks.html" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;waitbutwhy.com&#x2F;2014&#x2F;05&#x2F;life-weeks.html</a>
_def超过 5 年前
This is a horrible fate and I wish the parents of the boy all the best. It&#x27;s important that you don&#x27;t beat yourself up and search for regrets though. Maybe that&#x27;s part of griefing but it&#x27;s not okay if it stays. It&#x27;s very important to look out emotionally for yourself, only then you can reliably look out for others.
chrisdhoover超过 5 年前
Enjoy yourself, its later than you think<p>Enjoy yourself while you’re still in the pink<p>The years go by as quickly as a wink<p>Enjoy yourself enjoy yourself its later than you think
jenkstom超过 5 年前
I hate you for posting this, but I&#x27;m going to hold my children really tightly before bed tonight.
patatino超过 5 年前
When I was 16 I started my education as a software developer in a company and for the first time realized there are fathers who cannot go home and eat lunch with their kids.<p>My father was always at home for lunch.<p>My daughter was born 11 months ago and I switched jobs and work now fully remote.
baxtr超过 5 年前
I think for me the biggest lesson is that I am taking from these kind of stories: be focused. When you are spending time with your loved ones don&#x27;t look at your phone all the time. Be there with them. I am really bad at this...
aerovistae超过 5 年前
Orthogonal to the main point of this post, but was anyone else struck by the part about &quot;he had kissed multiple girls&quot; (by age 8)? I find that fairly incomprehensible.
natalyarostova超过 5 年前
Thanks for writing this. I&#x27;m sorry for your loss.
twoquestions超过 5 年前
Glad he&#x27;s able to take time off.<p>I&#x27;ve known people who couldn&#x27;t get time off if such a tragedy happened to them. Sure as hell stronger than I am.
forgotmypw超过 5 年前
&gt;The big question is how to return to work in a way that won’t leave me again with the regrets I have now. To be honest, I’ve considered not going back. But I believe in the words of Kahlil Gibran who said, “Work is love made visible.&#x27;&#x27;<p>Imagine you just came into enough money that you never have to work again.<p>What would you work on, then?<p>What is something that you can do that no one else can?<p>What can you do to help make the world more harmonious?<p>How can you help humans, animals, plants, machines, and the planet as a whole?<p>Think about these questions, and then do that.<p>Ignore money.
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sv12l超过 5 年前
It hurts hard. I&#x27;m taking day off tomorrow for long overdue day out with my daughter.
agumonkey超过 5 年前
Yeah time and the self.. a harsh lesson to get.
zer0faith超过 5 年前
Nothing is more important than family.
ciustuc超过 5 年前
I honestly was not expecting that.
gautamcgoel超过 5 年前
Really bravely written post.
jes超过 5 年前
I have liked this video by Sam Harris for several years now. It is all to easy to go through life, lost in discursive thought:<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.youtube.com&#x2F;watch?v=T3JzcCviNDk" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.youtube.com&#x2F;watch?v=T3JzcCviNDk</a>
stasusmt超过 5 年前
I think we need to care about our parent too. As they become old, we are just fly away from them and they will struggle in their stage as us. Damn life.
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agentstrix超过 5 年前
If the author is reading this, I&#x27;m so sorry for your loss. I can&#x27;t imagine the devastation you must have felt and must continue to feel.<p>It&#x27;s important that you take care of yourself though. As someone who works in mental health, I&#x27;ve seen how these events sometimes have a way of affecting your mental state in a gradual and cascading manner. Please stay cognizant of you and your family&#x27;s mental health in this difficult time.
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tin-foil-hat超过 5 年前
i&#x27;m not crying you&#x27;re crying