The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

Smalltalk is improv. It&#x27;s yes... and. You take turns with the hot potato. You take your turn and then pass it. It&#x27;s creating a story. Take whatever what was passed to you, add something quirky and then pass it back. It&#x27;s fun to add something off the wall, a bit ridiculous.<p>Doing this takes courage. You WILL make mistakes. At times, you may cringe at yourself. Putting yourself out there, taking small risks is the spice of life. When you fail, embrace it and move on. Don&#x27;t look back.<p>If you smile and keep a bright attitude, then that becomes infectious. If showing up is 90%, then the right attitude is showing up. The quickest way to screw this up is to be toxic.<p>Advanced mode is keeping that positive attitude (don&#x27;t forget the smile) even when you&#x27;re feeling attacked. If you can&#x27;t bear it, then keep a number of exit strategies in your bag of tricks and pull one of them. You have to get going. Someone is expecting you. You need to take a call, etc. If you choose to stay, then you have to stay deft and keep the air light. Don&#x27;t let someone pin you down into a corner where you have to defend yourself. Continue keeping things light and a bit ridiculous and the air will change. You might even gain some respect.

Thinking about the reasons why people engage in smalltalk (in other areas of life too such as family and friends, dating, service providers, etc) helps (me) cope with its banality and even enjoy it; The irrationality is quite rational.<p>A conversation, especially a face-to-face one, contains something beyond content: Something like a meeting of souls. The (hopefully positive) feeling of the presence of another human being. The breadth and importance of this non-verbal communication is obvious.<p>Smalltalk then, is basically a request to engage only in this non-verbal connection for a fleeting moment. The content is almost completely irrelevant. It&#x27;s just the excuse to be in a bubble together for a while. Seen this way helps (me) in two ways:<p>0. You don&#x27;t need to be &quot;good&quot; at it. It really doesn&#x27;t matter what you say. Say anything and the ball keeps rolling for a few moments longer. 1. You can find compassion towards the person who initiates it instead of contempt: They are actually asking to warm by your fire for a little bit. They are not testing&#x2F;dueling you.<p>Or in the more sentimental words of L. Armstrong: &quot;I see friends shaking hands, saying How Do You Do. They&#x27;re really saying I Love You&quot;

I think the essential office chitchat issue is &quot;being yourself&quot; vs. &quot;seeming like a high quality professional&quot;. I&#x27;ve found out the hard way that relaxing and aiming for a real conversation carries a high % chance of saying something unbecoming of a team leader. Better pay attention to appearances when you&#x27;re at work.<p>I don&#x27;t understand coworkers who say silly things at the lunch table without a second thought, or those who base their social lives around co-workers... doing so seems to risk your upward mobility. It&#x27;s a sad POV but from my experience anyways I think it&#x27;s reality.

Relationships develop through the escalating exchange of mutual vulnerability. A few people commented that I seemed to make friends very easily, so I started paying attention to my interactions with strangers. I noticed that I enjoyed sharing vulnerable anecdotes with people before inquiring about their own, e.g. dates gone wrong from the night before. Sure, sometimes I put my foot in my mouth, but people seem to like that and trust me more for it. When I started researching how friendships are forged, this was on the button.

It can be quite a minefield. I worked with a guy whose chit-chat policy was disconcerting - stating the bleedin&#x27; obvious. &quot;You are in early today!&quot; &quot;You are in late today!&quot; &quot;You are on time today!&quot; &quot;Wearing the red shirt again, I see!&quot; &quot;Got your hair cut!&quot;<p>While this &#x27;say what you see&#x27; served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation. I felt like I was having to justify myself, as there was no obvious opening for a meaningful reply otherwise (simply saying &#x27;yes&#x27; hardly cuts it). Of course, that was all on me, he had no idea I was reacting in such a way.

I am rubbish at small talk. For one I&#x27;m not really that interested in other people, and secondly I find it really boring. As such, all jobs I&#x27;ve had as a permanent employee, I&#x27;ve found myself completely stymied when it came to career progression, despite always having very good performance reviews. It very clear to me, that the people who float to the top of organisations, don&#x27;t do it via their work performance, but by slapping each other on the back whilst sharing a pint or two down the pub.

The vast majority of office chitchat is like a carrier wave in radio. It doesn&#x27;t transmit much information other than I am a normal human who you can turn to when it is needed. There is a fair amount of politics etc that is conveyed more through body language and dominance dynamics rather than the actual words exchanged.

I got hit by a car while on my bike earlier in the summer. If nothing else, that solved 100% of my co-worker small talk for the next three months.

I hope that all-remote work environments will rise in popularity and level the playing field. Not only for introverts, but also for people with disabilities that make it difficult to participate in casual conversation. I dream of an environment where a deaf person, a person with a severe speech impediment, an autistic person, people with other disabilities that don&#x27;t prevent one from making small talk (e.g. blindness), and yes, some people with no severe disability can all work together, without necessarily even being aware of each other&#x27;s conditions, because they&#x27;re all working remotely and using text to communicate and get their work done.<p>Disclaimer: I work in accessibility, and am legally blind myself, so maybe I fixate too much on disability-related issues sometimes. I <i>can</i> make small talk at the office though.

My wife is amazing. She can walk into a Wal-Mart, and within minutes some stranger will be telling her their life story.<p>I, on the other hand, suffer from Programmer&#x27;s Disease. I can walk into a crowded room, approach someone and try to strike up a conversation and have the discussion killed in 3 minutes.<p>I try to improve. I really do. I think it&#x27;s a gift we&#x27;re born with.

&gt; Every day around the world, an estimated three billion people go to work and 2.9 billion of them avoid making small talk with their co-workers once they get there.<p>Wait, how are 2.9b people avoiding chitchat? I almost more interested in this.

I quiz people on how their part of the company is going. &quot;So, are we making our quarter&quot;? &quot;What does the world think about our company?&quot; &quot;Did we really get the CD system working like it&#x27;s supposed to?&quot;<p>People love talking about their areas, and I get some intel on the company I work for.

I used to mostly keep to myself but think I balanced being social enough to be a well adjusted office worker. This completely changed as I rose into management positions, and now I feel compelled to chit chat with everyone, which is really exhausting for me.<p>I think the article overstates how important chit chat is, but the overall point is probably correct: don’t be a psycho and never talk to anyone.

&gt; Jamie Terran, a licensed career coach in New York City, said that small talk between colleagues and supervisors builds rapport, which in turn builds trust.<p>IMOA trust is built by delivering, being consistent and helping out.<p>You can chitchat all day, it won’t help if there’s nothing behind. Some people may be terse on the interaction side but do their job, come to help when they see you need it, and generally be aware of what other people are working on without chitchatting.<p>In this day and age if chichat is the main communication bus of your group&#x2F;company, either it consciously chose to do so, and you have been hired in this perspective -&gt; no issue whatsoever. Either it’s doing something fundamentally wrong and you should go somewhere else.<p>Also what is a “licensed career coach” ? Why don’t they ask 5 or 10 people with actual successful careers and give clearer context advice. It feels so bullshitty to have someone with that title for everyday job interactions.

I think there&#x27;s some salient points here, but I don&#x27;t think fully takes into account the classic schism of maker vs. manager schedule. The makers might be fine all plugging along with minimal office interaction--especially if they&#x27;re working remote.

Counterpoint:<p>Don&#x27;t Talk to Anyone, Ever<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;freebeacon.com&#x2F;blog&#x2F;dont-talk-anyone-ever&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;freebeacon.com&#x2F;blog&#x2F;dont-talk-anyone-ever&#x2F;</a><p><i>Don&#x27;t talk to strangers at work. I don&#x27;t care if you&#x27;re coworkers: Unless you have to do a task with this person, they aren&#x27;t interested in being anywhere near you, nor should you be in them.<p>Don&#x27;t talk to anyone. Ever. Talking is awful. People are worse. It&#x27;s hard to imagine a more horrifying combination than talking to people.</i>

Careful! The Smalltalk people are going to jump in here and start talking about how message passing between lightweight processes is the best way to write efficient programs.

Am I the only one who thinks this article is total nonsense. Really? You “need” to do small talk in order to get promotion and be liked around the office. How about we leave this to the individual’s personality. If you are in the right culture fit then you don”need” to do anything. You will love to chichat with your colleagues and if not that is okay to. Some people just love to work on their craft and small talk is just a distraction.

I should show this to the head of engineering at my last company! I got a verbal warning for talking too much to coworkers when I first started. People were just introducing themselves! That is the disadvantage of having a desk right next to the big boss&#x27;s office. After that warning I tried hard to avoid any conversations.

Is there a way to see this site while remaining in private mode? There are 13 trackers blocked ffs

Sadly this is true in my current and previous jobs.<p>I worked and have worked with people who know very little or do very little yet but have mastered the art of hobnobbing and have fared a lot better than yours truly who&#x27;d rather put his head down and get the work done.

My goto topics for office chitchat are TV shows, video games, and sports in that order. Most people have at least some show they watch and will talk about, and others typically have a video game of some sort they play. Sports used to be first, but I&#x27;ve run into many people who have zero interest or knowledge in any sport personal or otherwise.<p>Topics I love to talk about but avoid, diet and exercise. Topics I avoid completely, politics.

Small talk is an extremely high-risk low reward activity depending on your status with the company, especially if your manager has told you your status is utterly fixed.<p>How in the hell are you supposed to build a rapport with people who would as soon skin you alive as look at you, and only tolerate you for what you can do that no one else can?

&gt; “I’m good. I just started a book&#x2F;podcast&#x2F;TV show<p>Hm - my wife (who’s an expert on this sort of thing) says that’s actually rude and you should always answer back, “good and you” so that _the other person_ can start taking about their TV show&#x2F;podcast whatever.

As someone who worked a lot of low-end and blue collar jobs before getting into software, small talk with coworkers is a whole lot easier in the former environment.<p>There is so much petty politics and ego in the modern office that all it takes is saying one thing that someone doesn&#x27;t like to cause potentially years of unnecessary drama.<p>One gossipy sociopath who&#x27;s trusted by your manager, that doesn&#x27;t like something you said during small talk, or who didn&#x27;t like the look in your eyes when they mentioned a strong political view, can limit your ability to get promoted.<p>People just talk anything and everything in blue collar jobs and nobody cares. I think that&#x27;s because nobody has their ego wrapped up in how well they mop a floor or flip a burger.

Highly recommend reading The Gervais Principle by Venkatesh Rao for a more in-depth discussion of office talk, and much more.

For whoever it doesn&#x27;t work, it wastes a whole of their time, and their life. Not to mention it completely wastes the chance to use their talents to take the society forward.