I used to fear being a nobody, then I left social media

I quit social media for a long time too. And then I noticed how disconnected I was from all my old school friends and contacts. Even close family that still uses Facebook but I otherwise don’t talk to much directly (brother’s wives posting about their kids and stuff like that, maybe even more extended than that).<p>Really, I’m starting to think that opting out of social media altogether is a bit like opting to be a hermit in today’s society. Sure, I’m not advocating posting every 5 minutes on Facebook and getting into dumb arguments, but it really feels like opting out is a way of putting walls between yourself and the rest of the world (that is on social media). You will miss out on news of friends having kids, graduating college, going to college, getting new jobs, and even planning events together since many events are organized officially on Facebook - from free local concerts to your friends bachelors party. Many people just go through Facebook and create a private event and invite their Facebook friends when they have a birthday gathering nowadays. You will miss out on these if you opt-out completely. I did.

I used to excessively post on Facebook. I started to worry that it was unhealthy- why do I need the constant validation from strangers? What is wrong with me psychologically that I crave that more than my own privacy? So I quit last year and I&#x27;ve felt good about that choice.<p>Now I have 17000 HN points and I&#x27;m starting to feel like I gave up meth and replaced it with cocaine. Maybe better, but still not good.<p>Going to stop posting here now too. Thanks everyone for the good times.

I quit social media for a long time too. And then I noticed how disconnected I was from all my old school friends and contacts. Even close family that still uses Facebook but I otherwise don’t talk to much directly (brother’s wives posting about their kids and stuff like that, maybe even more extended than that). Really, I’m starting to think that opting out of social media altogether is a bit like opting to be a hermit in today’s society. Sure, I’m not advocating posting every 5 minutes on Facebook and getting into dumb arguments, but it really feels like opting out is a way of putting walls between yourself and the rest of the world (that is on social media). You will miss out on news of friends having kids, graduating college, going to college, getting new jobs, and even planning events together since many events are organized officially on Facebook - from free local concerts to your friends bachelors party. Many people just go through Facebook and create a private event and invite their Facebook friends when they have a birthday gathering nowadays. You will miss out on these if you opt-out completely. I did.

I think that it&#x27;s going to turn out that social media is like coffee: It&#x27;s fine, even healthy, for some people, and harmful to others.<p>And I <i>would</i> think that&#x27;s fine, except that I fall into the latter group, and social media has come to consume so much of the online world that it means that I can&#x27;t avoid it without excluding myself from large swathes of public life.<p>I don&#x27;t volunteer at my kids&#x27; school because coordination is done through Facebook. I don&#x27;t stay in touch with people I meet at events because Facebook has thoroughly supplanted other modes of casual communication. I don&#x27;t hear about events at some of my local community spaces because they only advertise them on Facebook. Etc.<p>So it&#x27;s not entirely like coffee. It&#x27;s like what it would be like if coffee were healthy for some, unhealthy for others, and quasi-mandatory for all.

I do get the point of the author and I share it&#x27;s thoughts and values, but for me it went quite different.<p>I have never been a really social person. I have never had many friends. No one really asks me ever where I have been or what I have been doing or whatever. I used facebook to shitpost. To shitpost a lot and MAYBE get a few likes. It worked. It worked for way too long. Then someday i literally fell on my head, my depression got way worse and I finally started working on it.<p>I then realized that I had no values at all. I always felt like facebook is bad, but i never acted accordingly. So I quit that. I thought &#x27;yeah, maybe i will feel better now.&#x27; and i do. I feel great. But now, I don&#x27;t even have anyone to contact and ask if there is something going on on the weekend or if people want to go out. I don&#x27;t really have anyones number either (because i deleted A LOT of my private stuff in a furious rage). Now I am alone and I don&#x27;t know how to get out of it. Social media is no option though, I don&#x27;t want to be that attention seeking person anymore. I want to be the person i am and find people who like me for that exact reason. I just don&#x27;t know how.<p>End of story: Quitting social media made me a better person, but if I add everything together i don&#x27;t feel better (yet)<p>Woops. Went a bit offtopic, but whatever. Thanks for reading.

Many years ago someone told me that we should care about our mental hygiene as much as we care about the hygiene of the food that we consume.<p>I quit FB two years ago after 11 years of active use. For a few weeks after deleting my account, I had these temptations to go back but after two months, I totally forgot about it and after two years, I&#x27;m very happy about leaving the platform.<p>I also realized that it wasn&#x27;t just FB or social media that contributed to my stress and anxiety; sensational and provocative news was as much to blame. These days, I try to get my news from only a handful of news outlets that I trust. I know this is not a perfect solution but at least, I&#x27;ve been able to avoid click-bait titles.

These posts are so tiring.<p>It&#x27;s usually from the same people that are super active and obnoxious on FB. Posting every single hours of their life. And suddenly realizing they addicted to it. <i>And</i> they still need to post about it.

Facebook (et al.) has done an incredible job (for better or worse) at <i>changing</i> the way people in society interact with and perceive others. It really is staggering when you think about it,.

In LinkedIn, I get the opposite feeling. It seems that a lot of people spend a considerable amount of energy pumping their profiles with lots of achievements, professional photos and blog posts, but it feels like everybody is talking to themselves. Nobody cares.

You read enough of these ‘quitting social media’ articles over the years that you almost know word for word how the linked article is going to go.

So, if I get this right, her addiction got so bad she needed to upgrade from posting on social media to writing to the NYT? &lt;&#x2F;irony&gt;

I think with social media&#x27;s goal of &quot;connecting everyone&quot; and &quot;bringing everyone together&quot; has brought us too close.<p>So close that we&#x27;re like a village -- blasting out clickbait and accusations with rare repercussions and making sure we say &quot;hi&quot; to all our neighbors in the village while also maintaining our &quot;social status&quot; within this village: i.e. reputation.<p>I&#x27;m glad I took off from there a while back.

Why is this problem of “being known” so common? Does it stem from the way you’re raised? Personally, I’ve never cared two about how well known I was or that my accomplishments were recognized, etc. I just derive joy from the activities I pursue in themselves, I don’t really give a hoot if anyone acknowledges them.<p>I never joined social meadia because of this. I didn’t see the point. Seemed like a boring waste of time to me when it first dawned. Sure that has dramatically reduced the number of acquaintances I have in comparison to others, but I feel that the relationships I do have are of very high intimacy and quality.<p>Where does this need to “be somebody” come from? Has there been research on it? Are you more likely to develop a thirst for fame if you’re given a lot of external motivation&#x2F;reinforcement as a child? If your parents focus on appluading <i>you</i> rather than the things you do? Not trying to be snarky here, I am genuinely curious as someone who has always been quite indifferent to the concept of fame.

I never had facebook, irc and some forum was everything I wanted, exchange of knowlidge and ideas. In term of &quot;beeing nobody&quot; I never cared. I am 42, highly valued in technical circles. Lots of friends, paragliding, mountain biking. Never had a car. Didnt need it. Lots of friends to go for a beer with. I use phone, sms, email to communicate with real, physical friends. Never been unemployed. There is just nothing &quot;social media&quot; can offer to me.

I took a year off of all of social media and took a break from startup tech in general. I didn&#x27;t miss it, at all, and I wonder what real tangible value it still has coming back.<p>One thing is for certain, being plugged into the hive mind has clear advantages, especially as it relates to employment. It&#x27;s like the old adage - it&#x27;s about who you know, not necessarily what you know.

I gave up FB and Instagram posts because my political view (conservative) and got 2 banned and harassed by relatives and strangers. Life is way better without FB&#x2F;Insta

I deleted FB from my phone about 2 years ago and have not once regretted it. I still stay in touch with my closest friends via phone, text, and the good ole&#x27; fashioned physical meetups.<p>No more fake celebratory comments. No more fake photos. No more fake LIVES portrayed by others (early on, I participated in this).<p>I must say that one of the best things you can do for your mental health is to delete these social networks off your devices. I&#x27;ve actually gone so far as to block all these sites network-wide via my pi-hole so nobody can mindless scroll through content while in my home.<p>My quality of life has improved as a result; I can now live in the moment and be grateful for not only where I&#x27;m at, but also where I am going (i.e., goal(s)) and what I will learn on the way there.

The social media problem is multi fold..<p>Facebook - While i need to check my friends&#x27;s life events and keep a tab on what they are up to, i dont want to see the constant tirade of posts regarding their political views.. How ya&#x27;ll are handling friends with crazy political extremist thoughts, completely ignore those areas ? try to make them sane?<p>Twitter is even worse, so stopped posting all together and limited my time only to like few tweets .<p>Alternative to Twitter is Reddit, which you can scroll through for few laughs and that itself will become an addiction.<p>Finally, i think we need social media at the same time we dont need social media, no amount of filtering and altering the news feed can put us in a place of what we want to see.. So..

I was a pretty avid Facebook user from ~2008-2015. I posted multiple times a day, had about 70 well-vetted friends on there, but unfortunately I have a bad habit of starting arguments with people that I think are espousing uninformed opinions. By 2015, it felt like a not-insignificant part of every day was dedicated to arguing something political, leading to me getting mad. Eventually, I started to feel that this was unhealthy.<p>I deleted my facebook back in 2015; I was afraid I&#x27;d have some kind of withdrawal, but bizarrely after about two days I sort of forgot that I had ever even used Facebook.

Recycled comment of mine from a few weeks ago here. Note: I was told NLP[0] (Neuro Linguistic Programming) was not cast in a good light in its Wikipedia entry, and I admit it has its weaknesses, but I was inspired by the fact Tony Robbins used elements of it in his seminars. Certain parts of NLP appeal to me, but some don&#x27;t and can be denounced as pseudoscience&#x2F;quackery.<p>Below is the original comment:<p>____________________________________________<p>I tend to stay away from Instagram as I once read a study (too lazy to find the paper) that Instagram is more detrimental to mental health than other social networks and is generally to be avoided (partly this is because you are comparing other people&#x27;s highlight reel to your boring drab life).<p>I use Facebook, albeit sparingly and only ever to make meaningful interactions with my family, and nothing else. I don&#x27;t feverishly &#x27;check in&#x27; to locations, don&#x27;t engage in &#x27;groups&#x27;, don&#x27;t &#x27;like&#x27; a million-and-one things, or otherwise engage in the Facebook app in any big way. It means Facebook can&#x27;t build a dossier of my interests, although they do know my social graph, but then: I&#x27;m not a person of interest anyway. I am actually very forgettable.<p>For Twitter, I have a locked down account and only follow what I&#x27;m interested in. I don&#x27;t actively seek to get more followers, and have literally nothing in my bio that is about me. I don&#x27;t use my real name. My account is purely for discovery of positive news, and content that stimulates me intellectually.<p>I recently started to experiment with Neuro Linguistic Programming[0] and a big part of that is deciding what you pay attention to (especially online) and feeding your brain with content that enables you to grow as a person and not be bogged down with negative content that only appeals to your &#x27;monkey brain&#x27;. I haven&#x27;t gone to extremes by cutting out all social media, instead I just use it mindfully and by carefully choosing the types of content I consume.<p>[0] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Neuro-linguistic_programming" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Neuro-linguistic_programming</a>

I see a lot of people publicly quiting facebook, then quietly rejoining because... well that one person they know only communicates via messenger.<p>When I finally stopped using Facebook, I didn&#x27;t close the account. It&#x27;s just there. It&#x27;s no longer part of what I do. At some point I realized that the worst thing about the network is not that they do shady things, or trick you into staying, or meddle with politics. The worst thing is the person you gradually become.<p>The moment you meet someone, you check their facebook, look through their pictures, browse their posts. When you become friends with someone, everytime there is tension you check facebook to see if they haven&#x27;t posted about it. If it&#x27;s a lover, you base the status of the relationship on their posts and frequency of pictures. If it&#x27;s an ex...<p>In 2015 I wrote [1]:<p>&gt; On facebook, why would I give someone privacy when I have access to all this information. And I don&#x27;t even need their permission. I can watch your private pictures because you made them available. It&#x27;s not that I can find out where you work, where you live, where you eat, everything about you. It&#x27;s that I actually do find out without ever hiring a private detective. It&#x27;s not what I can do, it&#x27;s what I do!<p>Facebook turns you into an insecure person.<p>[1]: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;idiallo.com&#x2F;blog&#x2F;facebook-and-me" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;idiallo.com&#x2F;blog&#x2F;facebook-and-me</a>

I feel like social media and dating apps hurt one&#x27;s self image. Even for individuals that have a serious following, there doesn&#x27;t seem to be enough validation from peers&#x2F;followers to satiate their drive for happiness. I&#x27;m curious to see how social media continues to mold society in the decades to come where we can delineate what the long term effects of its use are.

Is it just me who thinks social media just filled the hole that was missing in the society ? No one forced anyone to join Facebook or twitter. People were obsessed with other people way before social media, they just gave the platform to existing behavior.

The book I recommend on this topic is &#x27;10 Arguments for deleting your social media accounts right now&#x27; by Jaron Lanier.<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.goodreads.com&#x2F;book&#x2F;show&#x2F;37830765-ten-arguments-for-deleting-your-social-media-accounts-right-now" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.goodreads.com&#x2F;book&#x2F;show&#x2F;37830765-ten-arguments-f...</a><p>It makes the arguments for doing so very clearly and with a good sense of humor. Lanier, is a treasure, I always like how balanced he sees the tech industry, it isn&#x27;t all good or bad but a mingling of ideas.

Modern problems require modern solutions.<p>One way to gradually lessen your facebook usage is to use this addon (chrome version available on the chrome web store).<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;addons.mozilla.org&#x2F;en-GB&#x2F;firefox&#x2F;addon&#x2F;news-feed-eradicator&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;addons.mozilla.org&#x2F;en-GB&#x2F;firefox&#x2F;addon&#x2F;news-feed-era...</a><p>I think most people have been conditioned to keep themselves plugged in so to speak, gradually minimizing interactions rather than going cold turkey may prove more effective at re-framing your perspective.

I love this article. Thank you for sharing. I&#x27;m on a similar journey.

I used to fear being a nobody, but then i came to accept that i am nobody and i never will manage to do anything that would make my name worth putting into physics textbooks. More than a decade spent studying physics turned out to be somewhat helpful to an ordinary programmer.<p>Guess what i am trying to say is that, this is not a new problem created by social media, but an old problem caused by most of us having to be not special. And while eventual acceptance of it is very important, the initial denial is even more important.

Fame and success is still valued by society writ large. This is deeper than this most recent social media layer. I also left social media but I feel just as much pressure as before because the people who I hang around with (who themselves are on social media, but that&#x27;s not the only reason they act that way) directly or indirectly put pressure on incentive levers which all in all culminate in me preferring to be a &quot;somebody&quot; rather than a &quot;nobody&quot;.

I&#x27;ve got around 20 &quot;friends&quot; on FB (mostly family, and not really posting anymore), but subscribed to many feeds (mostly bands I like)<p>If they ever add RSS to their own websites, I will have no more reason to be on FB.<p>Please make RSS a thing again !<p>On the other hand, I was reading a tweeter feed an hour ago, and I was so disgusted by the hatred of the exchange that I told myself (again...) &quot;Why are you inflicting this on your sanity ?&quot;

She forgot to quit meat, dairy, grains, booze, weed, going out, staying up late, having sex, and so on<p>Also: to get a flip phone and disable JavaScript

Highly recommend reading &#x27;The Courage to be Disliked&#x27; it may not revolve around &#x27;privacy&#x27; but makes you think a lot about the &#x27;self-validation&#x27; feedback we are trained to think we need... it helped me cement a decision to leave social media and other things in general within my personality.

It seems like an absolutely nightmarish existence to have (as the author seems to have) your life defined by social validation. We are in for a very miserable and mentally fragile society if the author&#x27;s worldview is anyone near the norm (or we might already be there).

What happened to moderation? You can use social media without being obsessed with it.<p>If you have problems with self control then take steps to deal with it. Delete phone apps, set specific times when you use social media with limits, and if necessary talk to a mental health professional.

“Perhaps at the root of this anxiety over being forgotten is an urgent question of how one ought to form a legacy;”<p>This is an interesting question, and one that I have to admit has never been on my radar. I don’t intend to have a legacy at all. Do others worry about this?

I quit twitter about 20 days ago - the account is deleted. I do not miss it one bit. I tend to use HN in the same way. I wish I could delete this account as well. I suppose the best I can do is change my password.

Nothing gives me more anxiety than HN. Facebook is nothing compared to the depression I get from being constantly downvoted here simply by having an opinion that doesn&#x27;t resonate with the norm.

The people who have successfully quit online social media aren&#x27;t going to be the ones posting and discussing it online - whether on NYT, Hacker News, Reddit or anywhere else.

The latest wave I have been observing is LinkedIn. It has become an Instagram for business idiots. I can stand the stupid, content free cheering for bullshit.

Everybody is a somebody to someone. And everybody is a nobody to someone else.

I remain convinced that social media is bad for society

A surprising twist: social media invades meatspace.<p>I go to a board gaming club once a week. It used to be reasonably easy to find someone to play with, but nowadays:<p>1. all groups are already formed the moment the club opens (one per board game), 2. newcomers come in groups already decided which game they&#x27;re going to play, don&#x27;t waste time looking around and play among themselves.<p>So you can be there on time, and that&#x27;s not enough to find someone to play with. It feels like fb&#x2F;social media is a kind of lobby for board games in that place. Wanted to go out and meet some new people over board games? Think again. It&#x27;s like those stories you might hear about bars, dating and tinder - that nowadays even bar goers stare at their smartphones. Guess what, the same mechanism affects not just bar goers but also nerds like me. It&#x27;s like each board game at a table is its own social media bubble(different people like different board game(s)).<p>There are two ways to deal with this: a) submit to social media b) resist<p>I&#x27;m doing b), I bring in my copy of Spirit Island and if there&#x27;s no one to play with the game is also great solo.

Being the person who shouts loudest &quot;I am somebody&quot; on social media does not make you somebody worth listening to. This narcissism is the key problem of social media. Oddly enough, social media made it&#x27;s big entrance via movie stars - I could not possibly be any less surprised at this.<p>It would befit social media to rate someone with importance not according to a check or star but according to actual real world accomplishment. I realize that creates a natural bias against the underachieved, but without such weights, anyone can say anything about anything no matter what the education or perspective, and have it essentially equivalent to a subject matter in the field, at least until further examination.

It seems like much of technology is focused around narcissism. Even the technology ecosystem, with the startups and whatnot, are sort of celebrity technology. I&#x27;m not sure that is good or bad for actual technological progress. Given that the fundamental philosophy, math and science this is all based on is still considered lame, then modern technology is largely a distraction from true progress.

“My wanting to share every waking thought became eclipsed by a desire for an increasingly rare commodity — a private life.”<p>She forgot the part when she wrote a New York Times piece about her life.