Emotionally focused couple therapy can help love last

I got the book by the author (<i>Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families</i> by Susan M. Johnson) on kindle but haven&#x27;t read it yet. I was on a book buying binge a few weeks ago for anything related to attachment theory.<p>More on EFT: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Emotionally_focused_therapy" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Emotionally_focused_therapy</a><p>Regarding attachment theory itself: A major paper in adult attachment theory is <i>Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process</i>, <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;pdfs.semanticscholar.org&#x2F;1d36&#x2F;ac75d7081fcd86d467f6d2ef408d60c8ffca.pdf" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;pdfs.semanticscholar.org&#x2F;1d36&#x2F;ac75d7081fcd86d467f6d2...</a>.<p>For further reading, stuff by Cindy Hazan, Phillip Shaver, Mario Mikulincer is good<p>Attachment theory originally was focused on early stage development in children by John Bowlby. Later it was expanded as a way to conceptualize relationships beyond the child and caregiver, things like friendships, work colleagues, bandmates, etc.<p>Examples where modern attachment theory could be used formulate a hypothesis (or analyze if you have more than conjecture):<p>- why a band breaks up<p>- why CrunchPad failed (<a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;techcrunch.com&#x2F;2009&#x2F;11&#x2F;30&#x2F;crunchpad-end&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;techcrunch.com&#x2F;2009&#x2F;11&#x2F;30&#x2F;crunchpad-end&#x2F;</a>)<p>- in interpersonal relations, contradictory, anxious, afraid, erratic behavior - or on the other hand - secure and trusting around someone or a group.<p>Attachment can explain lasting, functional relationships.<p>I guess in HN-speak, there could be dyads between startup co-founders, founder &lt;-&gt; employee, investor &lt;-&gt; founder, employee &lt;-&gt; employee. Those cooperational things bubble up into group dynamics and product formation &#x2F; stuff shipping.<p>New startup idea: Founder therapy :)

EFT is one of the few couples therapies that has any sort of scientific track record. I looked into it a few years ago and it may have saved my marriage.<p>I highly suggest a therapist to guide you. They serve as a referee and coach (an impartial person who can call bs or timeout) to get you out of bad communication patterns between you and you significant other. I doubt you could turn this into an app because both partners are effectively learning to relate to each other in a more sustainable way.<p>I highly recommend this for married couples needing a tune-up and pre-marital couples who didn’t grow up in an environment with parents in a stable relationship.

&gt; It has taken more than 4,000 years, starting from the first love letter – carved in stone for a Sumerian king in the 8th century BCE – to crack the code of love.<p>Comes off a bit self aggrandizing. Still, time will tell if this method really works

How about using MDMA for couples therapy ?

I&#x27;ve got her &quot;Hold Me Tight&quot; book here but have stopped reading it a while ago. Good reminder to finish it now.<p>My impression - even with my parents - was that couples always replay conflicts following certain patterns. Turns out it&#x27;s really the case.<p>&quot;we cracked the code of love&quot; would have been a better headline for that article. It&#x27;s an actual quote from it.

Brings to mind SSC&#x27;s excellent review of all therapy books ever: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;slatestarcodex.com&#x2F;2019&#x2F;11&#x2F;20&#x2F;book-review-all-therapy-books&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;slatestarcodex.com&#x2F;2019&#x2F;11&#x2F;20&#x2F;book-review-all-therap...</a>

This may be true, but one could argue: is making love last always the best option?

Is there an app for this?

&gt; “Real love stories reflect the wisdom of attachment science, which states that love is an ancient survival code designed to keep a few precious others that we can count on close. We are wired by millions of years of evolution for this kind of connection, and it is as essential to us as our next breath.“<p>I <i>hate</i> stuff like this because it’s some of the most “just-so” evolutionary reasoning there is. It reminds me a lot of the way “ancient” or “evolutionary” stories are used to justify fad diets.<p>No amount of statistical studies on current couples therapy outcomes can confirm such a highly specific evolutionary marketing tag line. Not to mention that, like with many parts of social science, we should be hugely skeptical of the research basis for this technique.<p>I’d need much more compelling discussion of the study methodologies before finding it worthwhile to invest in really reading them and deciding if there is credibility to it, or if the outcomes are due to confounding factors or selection effects.<p>But hearing just-so reasoning about attachment bonds is a non-starter. What about forager societies with loose sexual norms and cultures that did not emphasize monogamy or long-term partner bonding?

Monogamy is still one of the biggest societal pressures that people struggle to escape, at the expense of their own happiness and emotional well being. And in some cases there are real punitive consequences for not conforming to it. You should not force exclusivity wherever it does not occur naturally. Not everyone can be 100% fulfilled from one relationship.

Nope, mutual attraction is what couples need. People invent unsolvable problems in their relationship when they lose attraction.