How Happy Couples Argue: Study (2019)

I&#x27;ll recommend Imago training [1] to any and all couples. It&#x27;s reflective listening on steroids and was transformational for us.<p>The basic process starts w&#x2F;reflective listening, then goes deeper to get at the underlying wound (&quot;when you do that, it brings up all the times my parents...&quot;), then to what might happen in a perfect world (&quot;the toothpaste cap would magically fly back on the tube after 30 seconds of inactivity&quot;), then to some concrete make-ups.<p>The other things we do that helps is to stick with the current argument (which I find difficult, sometimes) and to not go &quot;meta&quot; (&quot;see, honey, there&#x27;s a pattern here where you ...&quot;).<p>[1] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Imago_therapy" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Imago_therapy</a>

Most &quot;arguments&quot; in a relationship aren&#x27;t about the actionable issue at hand. Those issues usually aren&#x27;t that big they couldn&#x27;t be calmly discussed if only they didn&#x27;t reflect on and resonate with larger things, either personal to either party or long-brewing friction in the relationship due to earlier issues not having, in turn, been discussed at the time.<p>A good way to force perspective into arguments is to just listen, not take it personally and not make a confrontation as soon as you observe that your significant other is angry. S&#x2F;he just needs to lash out first after which you can get to the root of the problem which probably wasn&#x27;t that mundane little thing that started &quot;it all&quot;.<p>In other words, don&#x27;t argue at the same time, don&#x27;t be angry at the same time! While those arguments <i>are</i> coming right at you it&#x27;s rarely personal in the real sense. It makes it hard to have an argument if you don&#x27;t argue back. You only start discussing when you&#x27;ve let the anger come out first.

Personally I find one of the biggest things that keeps my relationship going is that we have ways to express discontent with each other that unambiguously frames it as not necessarily a big thing.<p>Mostly this way is pretending to be a goofy cartoon version of George and Martha from “Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Wolfe”. Or, rather, of what we imagine would be their online role-play avatars - how a rotting lich and a hyena lady ended up together in a stable orbit of mutual loathing is an open question, but it gives us a <i>great</i> way to express exaggerated versions of the things causing friction between us, and amuse each other with trying to turn them into comedy. It makes checking in on the actual issue afterwards a lot easier, as we’ve already burnt off a lot of whatever anger may have wanted to make us snap at each other in these exaggerated personas in the first place.

This isn&#x27;t just how happy couples argue; it&#x27;s how happy PEOPLE argue.<p>You&#x27;ll find just as much conflict in the workplace as you&#x27;ll find with your family, and how that conflict is handled will determine how healthy your workplace environment is.<p>You can&#x27;t agree on everything (and that&#x27;s a good thing, because it keeps ideas fresh), but you MUST agree on how to talk about and resolve differences, how to communicate, and how to cooperate.

My wife has a masters degree in marriage and family therapy. We have been to so many marriage therapists. It&#x27;s expensive but cheaper than the alternative. Just be deliberate about what you want from each session so it doesn&#x27;t turn into expensive fighting.<p>I recently went vegan (for her) but with exceptions for when she would get angry at me. It was amazing. Instead of my blood starting to boil when her voice would raise, my mouth would start to water. Now, I&#x27;ve never eaten so many steaks. (And she is much more aware of her anger)

A book I&#x27;d recommend for anyone who wants to improve the communication in their relationships -- romantic or otherwise -- to help resolve any kind of conflict, is &quot;Nonviolent Communication&quot; by Marshall Rosenberg. The ideas are very simple, almost obvious, but his exposition is brilliant and really reaches deep into the human experience. He makes a convincing argument for how our learned behaviours have led to widespread inability to effectively resolve conflict, and he gives a straightforward model for overcoming this.

I completely agree with that article. I have been separated from my wife off and on for about 6 years over the 17 years we have been married due to military. We don&#x27;t argue as much now, because at this point there is little reason as we basically read each other&#x27;s minds. Most of the time there is conflict to be found its not between each other and talking about feels more like reviewing a git pull request.<p>When we do argue its usually minor and due to differences of opinions search for conflict resolution. The last argument we had was whether we should kick the daughter out of the house. We spent less energy on that argument than I probably spent choosing what to eat for lunch, which is strange considering the severity of the subject.<p>The last serious argument we had was about 22 months ago when she got another dog without asking. Somehow I guessed the subject exactly when she started the conversation with: &quot;Don&#x27;t be mad...&quot; I was livid. I told her if she wanted to keep the dog she had to name him &quot;Gay Fish&quot; (South Park reference). That never happened. What can you do when you haven&#x27;t seen your spouse in a year and are on the other side of the planet? In hind-sight things are pretty healthy if that&#x27;s the most serious of arguments.<p>The thing we disagree about the most is that I cannot arbitrarily quit my high paying corporate job where I literally do nothing. Although I hate being bored and so many of my coworkers (not just at the current job) are incredibly insecure and exceedingly sensitive my spouse is adamant I need a good reason to enter a different line of work.<p>After all that its funny, in a very sickly schadenfreude kind of way, to see the curiously trivial absurdities or bizarre self-serving behaviors other couples destroy their marriage over.

One of the best things I learned from my wife: Never go to bed angry. If we have an issue, we talk it through until we find an agreement. It&#x27;s actually harder than it sounds.<p>The worst thing you can do is not talking about something or avoiding the topic. I think mutual understanding is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship.

The Science of Trust by John Gottmann is a great read if you are interested in this. Unlike most behavioral health, they use actual science and math to describe and dissect behaviors and outcomes

I&#x27;ve not sure I&#x27;ve ever really argued with my wife, even though we&#x27;ve had difference of opinion on things. I haven&#x27;t really seen my parents argue, or her parents argue.<p>I don&#x27;t really get why people seek out conflict and blame. It just seems unhealthy all around. Some people thrive on conflict, though. They like to argue. They like to blame, to engage. Or at least, they NEED to, even if they don&#x27;t like it. Or maybe one partner seeks out conflict, and the other one hates it.<p>But, ultimately, I think arguing is a choice.<p>One could argue that partnering young leads to more issues because it doesn&#x27;t allow you to form an individual identity. On the other hand, it could strengthen your bond because your identities were built together. Partnering late in life, when you don&#x27;t &quot;need&quot; each other leads to less dependency; but it could also lead to the partners finding it just as easy to get rid of each other.

This appears to be a study of common patterns of argument in two samples of self-reportedly happy couples. The kind of happy couples that volunteer for these sorts of studies, presumably. It’s all very nice but I’m not sure it tells us much, not least because every unhappy couple I know behaves in these ways too.

i have found most things i have gotten very angry at my wife over and we&#x27;ve had big arguments over, i cannot remember a week or two later. was it worth a big relationship damaging outburst, vs waiting a bit to cool off, talk it over later? i am not sure. maybe felt good at the time to get it out, but peaceful discussion with cooler heads and empathy is the only thing that results in lasting change

For unhappy couples, there might be more differences and stronger opinions remaining unresolved. So could be different from individual to individual, and for different couples and environments. Some couples are a good fit, and others might never reconcile their differences. Most long-lasting couples go through a phase of rejection and reconciliation.

Non-jealous, compromising people tend to have longer and happier marriages? Sounds about right.

I suppose in order to learn how to love, it would be begging the question to scatter that word throughout the article. I wish it would have been mentioned at least once, though.

My partner of 11

Couples are happy when they’re attracted to each other. Arguments turn bad is when the attraction is gone. Nobody wants to say “I’m not attracted to you anymore” so they fight dirty instead.

I wonder if this is a language confusion. An argument is using reasoning to move from premises to conclusion. People regularly have to argue together to work together, because things change over time and we have to adjust to the changes. But the other sense of argument is that one person has one conclusion, and the other person has a different conclusion, and they are battling about it and are upset about it. That&#x27;s the sort of thing that can be entirely avoided if people start with shared premises and argue &quot;together&quot;. I think there are a lot of happy couples that actually never argue in the battling&#x2F;upset sense.