Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

104 点作者 navalsaini大约 3 年前

I am looking for interesting "book recommendations" particularly.Someone told me that they were afraid to share their vulnerabilities with me because they feared I might not be comforting or even give them more anxiety.I have looked up to HN for wisdom over the years and hopefully this ask piques enough interest.

49 条评论

jmyeet大约 3 年前

A good place to start is just to STFU.This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems. In these sorts of situations, people often aren't looking for solutions. They're just looking to get something off their chest. So just STFU and listen and resist the urge (if you have it) to "fix" the problem.I would guess this is what you're doing if people are feeling anxious about opening up this way with you because those solutions aren't what they are looking for and it just creates more stress. The person can feel attacked, like they're being forced to justify how they feel.

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kqr大约 3 年前

People always look at me funny for recommending it but How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk can be a big help for dealing with adults too. The main difference between a child and a grown-up in terms of how you talk to them is that the grown-up has a larger vocabulary, so you need to resort to tricks like "draw me how you feel" less often.Although written with another purpose in mind, Never Split the Difference also emphasises over and over how to acknowledge what people are feeling without adding judgment.

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awb大约 3 年前

The book Non-violent Communication is a great way to “do no harm” in challenging conversations.As for practicing empathy and compassion I think real world experience is key. Check out anything to do with “authentic relating”. Here’s a group that offers online and in person classes: <a href="https://authenticrelating.co/" rel="nofollow">https://authenticrelating.co/</a>But empathy and compassion has to be there naturally (which I’m sure it is as it sounds like you’re empathizing with your friend’s situation that they don’t feel safe sharing with you).The tools above will just help you feel into what’s already there.

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rramadass大约 3 年前

Buddhism to the Rescue! In particular; you may find the Tibetan Lojong (<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lojong" rel="nofollow">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lojong</a>) practices very helpful;1) Mind Training: The Great Collection translated by Thupten Jinpa. - A large collection of Texts.2) Essential Mind Training: Tibetan Wisdom for Daily Life translated by Thupten Jinpa - A subset of texts from The Great Collection above.3) Words of My Perfect Teacher: A Complete Translation of a Classic Introduction to Tibetan Buddhism by Patrul Rinpoche - Relevant instruction manual.Empathy, Compassion, Comfort require fundamental changes to one's psyche and behaviour to be authentic and this is where the above texts are helpful. Take what makes sense to you and leave the rest.

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volfied大约 3 年前

My therapist has given me this worksheet, which helped me immensely in my relationships with friends and my wife.<a href="https://www.wichita.edu/academics/fairmount_college_of_liberal_arts_and_sciences/psychology/Clinic/DEAR.MAN.GIVE.FAST.Worksheet.pdf" rel="nofollow">https://www.wichita.edu/academics/fairmount_college_of_liber...</a>

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ahmaman大约 3 年前

People crave the feeling of being understood without judgement. To me, being compassionate is to show people real understanding.Few techniques that I found helpful:- Actively listening. Keeping any input you might have till the end.- Repeat what you understood back to people - mirroring.- Ask open-ended questions. Just be genuinely curious. Don't show any judgement.- Be vulnerable first for them to open up and share their vulnerability.- Often the solution is just listening. Suggest solutions only when explicitly asked for.As mentioned by others, Non-violent Communication is an amazing book about the subject.A comment about the book NVC. Often people get stuck in the implementation details of the book's recommended way of communicating. When X happens I feel Y, could you Z? But there is so much more to it than that.One needs to be self-aware. To know more precisely:a) What actually happened, seeing reality as it is without their interpretation.b) What they are feelingc) What needs do they haved) Concrete actions to resolve a conflictHow these things are communicated is important but still, but the awareness of these components is often overseen.That is why meditation is often recommended. It is easier to be a better communicator if you are more aware of your feelings, thoughts, and your current environment. Really being present.

inerte大约 3 年前

- Share your own vulnerabilities too. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. The golden rule.- Practice active listening.- You're not there to solve the problem, just to listen. Listening is good enough.*You can actually ask, if they talk about the same thing more than once: Is this something you want me to work on and try to fix, or you just want to talk about? Don't be dismissive, you're not trying to stop the conversation. Tone matters here.

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antics9大约 3 年前

As someone already said, firstly: STFU, be attentive and listen.You need to understand when it is a one way or two way communication.When the other person is having a monologue and is sharing something concerning to them, or even just some neutral event that happened during the day, you just listen attentively like you would when listening to someone reading a book for you. Then you stay within a "tell me more" response.When the situation requires a dialogue, however, you stay within the proximity of shared experiences. Here you don't venture into advice space unless the other part explicitly requests that.

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crate_barre大约 3 年前

I’ve burned bridges by sharing too much with people all of a sudden. Baggage dropping on others all of a sudden is overwhelming for both sides. The listening party feels overwhelmed and unable to help and recedes into ‘please get professional help’, and the speaking party recedes into guilt and shame and thinks ‘I should have never told you anything’.It takes a relationship where things can be off loaded in more manageable pieces. Boundaries are easier to set as well when both sides only move a few inches in each direction. If you are given too much info, you’ll just punt the football back 50 yards into ‘I can’t deal with all of this’.With all that said, very few average people have the incentive to take on something like this. You would need an intimate relationship, but even there, even parents, best friends or SO’s can be overwhelmed.Don’t even try this shit with coworkers. But if you must, you have to keep the topics very scoped and piecemeal. Just like project management.I am speaking mostly from the baggage-dropping side.

onion2k大约 3 年前

I'd start with "non-violent communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. It's a communication technique. There's a book, but there's also a YouTube video that's a very good starting point.<a href="https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc" rel="nofollow">https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc</a><a href="https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication" rel="nofollow">https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication</a>

jesterson大约 3 年前

I'd suggest to visit places outside of your usual circle. It doesn't necessarily has to be India or Vietnam - try to visit local churches if you haven't done so yet, local communities, areas where homeless people live, something like that.Try to see different people and communities.I'll risk and say books will not help you develop those qualities but teach you how to look like you have them. It's not the same. To feel it you need to see the world outside of comfortable shell.

learningmore大约 3 年前

I enjoyed this TED talk from Michael Bungay Stanier about giving advice. It isn’t exactly what you are looking for, but it focuses on how important it is to listen to people: <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_bungay_stanier_how_to_tame_your_advice_monster?language=en" rel="nofollow">https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_bungay_stanier_how_to_tame...</a>

yuzuquat大约 3 年前

There are a lot of comments here that tell you to listen and to give your focus to the other individual. To give this a bit more specificity, I would highly recommend learning how to paraphrase and mirror (<a href="https://counseling.education/counseling/skills/reflecting.html" rel="nofollow">https://counseling.education/counseling/skills/reflecting.ht...</a>). It took me a long time to recognize this, but now that I do, I see it everywhere in empathetic individuals. To put it simply, summarizing the other individual's emotion and telling it back to them ("that sounds like a stressful situation") without offering solutions helps the other party feel heard.What's also been really helpful for me was when I began seeing a therapist. These are skilled professionals, and if you listen carefully, you can hear how they craft their words to foster connection. You might be able to take inspiration from the way they lead and listen during conversations.

mettamage大约 3 年前

Search Inside Yourself by Chade-Meng TanI learned a meditation from there called Tonglen. It’s hardcore. I have only done it a few times in my life but it really made me want to help alleviate suffering from other people a lot more after doing that a few times.The whole book is also littered with scientific studies about meditation. So it can explain things clearly to very sceptical minds, like mine ;)

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ThinkBeat大约 3 年前

I will voice a probably unpopular response.Note: This "use case" is written if the OP has to handle someone suffering from traumatic experiences that can be considered out the norm and even extreme.My only credentials is that I have spent a lot of time in psychiatric care and in hospitals.It is quite helpful to have been there and done that. Both specifically and in a larger sense.It is hard to understand the mindset and the internals of having to deal with something highly traumatic unless you have experienced it yourself.You can learn about it from reading a book sure but it is at an abstract. It doesn't fill the colors, the anguish, the sights you cant get rid of.Exposure and repetition can also help. If you are a psychologist who have worked with people in deep despair over time and multiple cases you can start to put more puzzle pieces together.If you ask if a person "wants to talk about it" and the person says no. No means no. Try to find some activity or topic entirely unrelated, or just give the person space.If someone does want to talk about it. Sit down, shut up, clear your brain, and listen closely. Be prepared for what might be a horrible story. Be prepared for details you would prefer not to hear. Be prepared for crying, angry outbursts.Platitudes can help and can be destructive. Depending on the person. Sometimes it can help if the person is responsive. Sometimes it can spike anger. If the person responds negatively just stop with the platitudes full stop.. Then listen closely, imagine where the person is mentally, mostly keep quiet but see if you can say something relevant to where the person is.Overall it takes time. Not just a conversation. Many conversations, Always wait until the person seems to indicate further interaction, . Dont nag about it. That is unwise.

rukuu001大约 3 年前

- Active listening- No judgingThe active listening you can learn from books (there are good book recommendations here already).No judging is just practice (or if you prefer, practice _suspending judgement_)

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trabant00大约 3 年前

In our current culture some traits are considered positive while others negative. Compassionate - positive, judgemental - negative. I think this is wrong, they are both neutral. And I think trying to maximize one and minimize the other can have detrimental effects on one's quality of life.Listen to people. When they tell you they don't want to share in most cases you really don't want to know or have anything to do with what they don't want to share. Especially if you have intentions that basically sum up to a savior complex. They have information that you don't and based on that they decided it will not help your relation to get into that. Why not just accept that?

ochronus大约 3 年前

Let me start with stating the obvious: it's really great you want to improve this skill! The world needs much more of it.Non-violent communication and Active Listening come to mind immediately - I'd recommend a course for the former over books. There's a lineage of coaches in that field who are really great.I've written an intro to active listening, not a book, but hopefully can inspire you: <a href="https://leadership.garden/active-listening-boosts-careers/" rel="nofollow">https://leadership.garden/active-listening-boosts-careers/</a>

CPLX大约 3 年前

Really listen to people. Like really, genuinely, listen.Try to remove (or reserve) all your instincts to judge or evaluate their actions and just focus on listening to people with the premise that their problems, to them, are just as real and important to them as yours are to you.Remember that essentially all people have a personal narrative where they are the aggrieved hero of the story trying to do the right thing while challenged by outside forces.Try to listen and understand how and why they feel that way about themselves. They’ll be able to tell.

esbeeb大约 3 年前

Meditation, of course. The Brahmavihara of Karuna (compassion) is exactly what you are looking for here.

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locuscoeruleus大约 3 年前

Many of the replies so far seem to focus on what you can do for others. What about taking the opposite perspective. How do you relate to your own vulnerabilities? How do you comfort yourself when things are bad or you made a mistake? Do you have patience for your own vulnerabilities or do go directly to self-flagellation for your short comings? If you do the latter, start by fixing this within yourself and how you respond to others will follow naturally.

setgree大约 3 年前

I liked Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" a lot. I think the basic idea is on the money: that to connect with other people, we first must identify our own needs, how they are or are not being met, and learn to express those needs in a non-judgemental, non-accusatory way.So, if someone shares something personal and upsetting with you, let's say you feel anxious (which led to your friend feeling anxious): that's ok! you're having a very natural reaction to a stressful stimuli. But instead of betraying that feeling in your face and a shift in tone, instead try to observe it, acknowledge it head-on, and identify its causes, e.g. "when you told me [X],I noticed that I felt anxious, and I think I am looking for some clarity. Would you mind telling me more about [Y]?" That's a simple version, but in general, I found it very helpful for connecting to others.For a previous HN thread on NVC: <a href="https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21263894" rel="nofollow">https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21263894</a>

noduerme大约 3 年前

You only get someone to talk about their vulnerabilities if you can be honest about your own. Some bad things happened to you - some things that weren't fair, made you feel weak. Just like her. It's hard to talk about them for you, just like it's hard for her to talk about hers. But telling a girl you love (do you love her?) what happened to you doesn't make you weak. Being able to talk about it is a strength, not a weakness; just like forgiveness is not weakness either. You gotta forgive her beforehand for everything she'll ever say to you. Then you can start by sharing yours, the hard beats you took in life and every time you were humiliated by someone else -- those are what are called your "vulnerabilities" -- and don't expect anything back from her. You better treat her like a friend who you can tell anything to, who you know won't judge you. And if you're honest, she'll tell you hers when she's ready. And you never, ever judge her for it.

thenerdhead大约 3 年前

Here's an ancient piece of advice.2 ears, 1 mouth.Listen more than you speak. Make conversations about them, not you. You do that through listening more than talking.As for book recommendations: Brene Brown, Stoicism (Meditations, Letters, etc), How To Win Friends And Influence People, Robert Greene, and many many more.

rutierut大约 3 年前

If you really want to fix it, take the AoA connection course with someone close to you. It will probably be pretty tough, a lot of people drop out, but it sounds like exactly what you need. It's unreasonably effective and is heavy on the integration, not just theory.

jrumbut大约 3 年前

> Someone told me that they were afraid to share their vulnerabilities with me because they feared I might not be comforting or even give them more anxiety.When we see someone we care about suffering we want to be everything they need, but that's not always possible.I applaud your plan to work on your ability to comfort and express compassion and hope you find the growth you're looking for, but I just wanted to point out that listening skills and communication strategies may not be the issue here.For instance, my wife and I can't always understand each other's work problems because we have very different jobs. Meanwhile my boss might be the most compassionate person on earth but I would be uncomfortable discussing personal problems with him.

throwaway81523大约 3 年前

Maybe this? <a href="https://khn.org/news/efforts-to-instill-empathy-among-doctors-is-paying-dividends/" rel="nofollow">https://khn.org/news/efforts-to-instill-empathy-among-doctor...</a>

jazzyjackson大约 3 年前

Frank Ostaseski's "The Five Initiations" might be of interest. It's not a how-to guide by any means, but illustrates what compassion can mean to people. Can be as simple as listening and accepting.

s2th4d大约 3 年前

Also, a book is only passive learning, so depending on your learning style, it May not prepare you enough for real world interaction. Look into experiential learning, like taking a communications class. Toastmasters is also good. As others have mentioned, active listening... stop trying to solve the problem and just listen to what they are saying, hang on every word, and check in with them every once in a while, just to see how they are or just to see if what you're hearing is what they are saying.

jldl805大约 3 年前

OP the book you need is called Crucial Conversations, it will change your life. Talks about both how to share your feelings and create a safe place for others to share their feelings with you.

MattPalmer1086大约 3 年前

My wife is near to completing a degree in person centred counselling.The core tenet of this approach is that the counsellor is not an expert in the client, the client is.One of the main things a counsellor must do is offer Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR). Essentially this is being non judgemental, and unconditionally warm, allowing the client to explore their own feelings.Sounds simple, but I can testify that it can be hard to achieve, particularly when the client is expressing things that therapist finds uncomfortable or disagrees with.

totetsu大约 3 年前

This might also be one of those things that you have to accept that can't be done consistently well. Although there's probably many ways you can pick up to not do it badly.

tucaz大约 3 年前

Anatomy of Peace and Leadership and Self Deception by the Arbinger institute.If you read it and it doesn’t change your life you ping me and I will refund you the money you paid for it.

Blackstone4大约 3 年前

Listen, ask open questions like "how does that make you feel?" then things like "I am sorry to hear that", "do you want a hug?", "how long have you been feeling this way?"...passing no judgement nor offering a solution. Only listening, empathizing and being there. Giving people space to share is important so giving them time to gather their thoughts and form sentences helps.

MrAwesome大约 3 年前

This book helped me learn how to be a better listener, I highly recommend it:The Lost Art of Listening, by Michael P. Nichols<a href="https://www.audible.com/pd/B01M0D1LT5?source_code=ASSOR150021921000V" rel="nofollow">https://www.audible.com/pd/B01M0D1LT5?source_code=ASSOR15002...</a>

MrYellowP大约 3 年前

Books don't teach you how to be a decent human being. At best they teach you how to fake being a decent human being.To learn, you actually need to go through hard times yourself. There is no understanding of others unless you can empathize.That way you learn.You think you can learn this from books, but it'll end up with you following a scheme you've learned from a book, which does not enable you to magically have empathy. You'll just learn how to fake it.Instead of a book, I recommend talking to a professional about this.

makach大约 3 年前

Try reading the Bible. I see someone already mentioned the golden rule (Do unto others as you would have others do unto you)it is what I am familiar with, be it science, science fiction or fantasy, some of the contents is still valid and good practice regardless of what I believe.

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p0d大约 3 年前

I have observed some of my friends are dismissive of my concerns but a similar issue for them could be described as a crime against humanity.Hypocrisy sounds too harsh. I think we are all too quick to speak. My suggestion would be to listen more and ask more questions.

chasil大约 3 年前

The four noble truths (as I see them):All of life is sorrow.Escape from sorrow exists.Escape from sorrow is attainable.Escape from sorrow is Nirvana.<a href="https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths" rel="nofollow">https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths</a>

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dt5702大约 3 年前

Radical candour is a great book for learning about this sort of thing regardless of setting.<a href="https://www.radicalcandor.com/" rel="nofollow">https://www.radicalcandor.com/</a>

elorant大约 3 年前

Time does that. As you grow older and you experience loss and failures you start being more sympathetic to other people’s problems because you can correlate to a similar experience.

fbrncci大约 3 年前

Start with Metta<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maitr%C4%AB" rel="nofollow">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maitr%C4%AB</a>

WithinReason大约 3 年前

Maybe the reason they told you this is because you gave them the impression of being a judgemental person. Maybe you criticise and judge people often?

navalsaini大约 3 年前

Thanks for all the amazing responses. I will slowly go over them, use the suggestions and pick a book to read. TY~

drewcoo大约 3 年前

First ask why.Both tongue in cheek and for real. If you don't know why, ask someone else.

immy大约 3 年前

How Can I Help? by Ram Dass

wly_cdgr大约 3 年前

Read high quality fiction

zthrowaway大约 3 年前

Religion.

fontenot-jon大约 3 年前

if you have to ask...you need to stay the fuck away from other people before you get somebody killed. dont leave your fuking cubicle son of sam

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