Ask HN: I'm So Lonely

314 点作者 DevToRecruiter大约 3 年前

I don't know if this is the right place for this but here are my stats. I'm a 32yo male, divorced with 2 kids whom I have little access to at the moment. My childhood friendships have withered, my divorce left me untrusting of women (at least for now). I work alone and don't have many opportunities to meet new people organically.The thing is I don't even like hanging out with people most of the time but I get into this space where it feels like a biological necessity.Does anyone have any tips on how to give myself attention? Or, in other words, how can I learn to be alone without feeling lonely? I feel like I need this lifeskill in order to proceed in my life.I have a pattern of loneliness pushing me into making very foolish decisions.

117 条评论

tomcam大约 3 年前

> I have a pattern of loneliness pushing me into making very foolish decisionsThat’s pretty unusual self awareness. Respect. Glad you’re asking for help.Let me proffer some of the obvious suggestions: D&D type of gaming (not for me but my adult child has met many great people that way), going to the gym, yoga class, chamber of commerce, get involved with a charity that means something to you, start going to church.Try talking to people but when I say talking I really mean listening with all your heart, and being interested in them. Everyone has a story. If you’re genuinely interested, they will reveal everything within a few minutes. my kids make gentle fun of me for interviewing people, but I just like to listen to what people are really saying and respond by learning more about them. (If you are sincere it will incidentally help you enormously with women.)A slightly less obvious one: get really good at something. When I do this I shoot to be better than about 80% of people, which you can usually do with raw work and without requiring some kind of genetic superiority. If you do it right the process is rewarding, and the outcome is also rewarding. Get fluent at a challenging language like Chinese or Arabic? Work out enough to get fairly ripped? Give away something great on GitHub? You’re a recruiter if your username applies, and maybe just focus on making a lot of money? That sounds shallow and you don’t have to take it very seriously, but I have learned that getting better than most people at some kind of lucrative or socially valued skill just helped me enormously, and you can you can usually do that simply by working hard and with common sense. The reason I harp on this angle is that when you’re pretty darn good at something, it attracts people. And getting good at something usually requires that you take on multiple topics well at once, which makes you feel better about yourself.You can reach out to me via the email address in my profile and we can chat if you want. I have no agenda but I’m a decent listener.

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bckr大约 3 年前

I don't suggest you try to adapt to being alone so much. I suggest you get more people around you.1. Use your health insurance to get a therapist. This is a good outlet and can make you more socially attractive since you won't be carrying around as much unspoken weight.2. Work really hard to get more people around you. The world is opening up after Omicron. Be resourceful. Make a list of all the various in-person social outlets you can find and start going to them.3. Get "How to Win Friends and Influence People" on Audible and listen to that repeatedly until you've grokked it.4. Open yourself up to being friends with people you might not think you could be friends with. Right now you're in need--don't be too picky, within reason.I believe in you. You can get more people in your life.

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silisili大约 3 年前

Changing my reply.I was in a similar situation a few years back. I had a wife, worked from home, and all was well. Lost my wife(divorce, not death), was ok with that...but I went insane. Seriously insane. I was in an ambulance 6 months later speaking gibberish thinking I was dying.I realized I both hated people and needed them, unfortunately. Being alone drove me crazy, but I still didn't like the idea of best friends and such. It's just not me.Out of pure coincidence or craziness I found solace in FB. I made an account with false info, and added people all around the world, so I'd always have someone to talk to. And for me, that worked wonders. I found it so interesting South Americans, Africans, south Asians, and to some extent rural Americans were willing to be friends so easily, whereas most European countries or big city people were so guarded and asked why you added them.Ended up meeting and marrying my wife as one of the 4 or 5k friends I'd added and talked to each day. And now, I have no FB, but I'm perfectly happy working from home as I have company(wife and her child).

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laurex大约 3 年前

First off, you are not alone in feeling alone. 1 in 5 Americans reports that they have no friends. The reasons behind this are not "people are anti-social or introverts," but more a result of living in a world (especially in the US) where people move away from their family, change jobs frequently, often work freelance/gig jobs where hours don't align, get divorced, and live alone (28% of Americans live alone). This is my area of research and my work at the moment, so I could spout off all kinds of stats but one thing I can say is that it's really important to not ignore your feelings here- loneliness is like physical pain letting us know our needs are not being met.To find a sense of belonging, you need 2 things. One is frequent positive interaction and the other is ongoing relationships where you feel cared about.Our technology to date has worked against us here.My recommendation is to find a community that you can start to interact with regularly. There are many that will welcome you, but also know it will take time before you start feeling like you belong- and just try to stick with it while it's uncomfortable.Some ideas: 12-step programs, there are ones like Al-anon or CoDA where you don't have to have any substance issues yourself and deal more with relationships. Communities around people you admire, like Patreon communities that surround a particular artist or thought-leader. Or potentially Meetups, if they meet more regularly than once a month. Meditation groups or other spiritual communities tend to be fairly welcoming as well. Volunteering can be another avenue if the organization does something that is meaningful to you.The most important aspect is that they have some kind of "meeting others" aspect and aren't just Discords or something where it's a lot of work to get to know people on any sort of personal level. In person or small video calls are good.Above all, know that this is something that does take work, though social media makes it seem like people just have these great lives or you just need to join a Facebook group or something. But it's not impossible or complicated.The weird thing is, the more you extend acceptance to other people in a group context, the more you'll find belonging in yourself. And give yourself as much of a break as you can here. You are noticing something isn't right and that's a really good self-reflexive step.

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beaconstudios大约 3 年前

All human beings need social contact, we're social animals. I think introverted nerd-types sometimes convince themselves that it's not true for them because socialising is hard work and needing to do it is irrational, but guess what: being alive is irrational. So even if you don't especially enjoy being around other people you have to recognise that you need to do it, as much as you need to eat and drink and sleep (another irrational need).Try work from a coffee shop, go to the gym, join a co-working space. These are all low pressure spaces where nobody really expects you to be actively sociable but you can still be around others.There's a fair bit of projection in this comment as for a while I thought I didn't need to socialise (despite actually being somewhat extroverted) and went through something similar to you.

dQw4w9WgXcQ大约 3 年前

>> but I get into this space where it feels like a biological necessity.You're not alone in feeling alone. A large percentage of people go through seasons of loneliness at times, and to a healthy degree it signals a need that is OK to have. Doesn't make it feel better in the moment, but I went thru a solid year+ of feeling alone after a big breakup.>> how can I learn to be alone without feeling lonely? I feel like I need this lifeskillFor the vast majority of people, this is not a thing. Given you're writing this post, it's not you. People know by their 30s if they've got the loner mentality and are completely content in their own world. You're not weak for feeling alone, and it's not a skill you will ever master.That said, loneliness can be exacerbated by things like shame/guilt that needs healing, poor sleep, excess stress, underlying health conditions, "winter blues", social media, lack of success on dating apps (d-appression), porn usage (interrupts innate intimacy drives), abuse of drugs/alcohol, etc.Have you taken the opportunity to change after your divorce? Get a new place, find new hobbies, maybe a new job or a move? Some of the loneliness could be you're not listening to yourself asking for the change you really need. Loneliness is always a signal for connection - to connect with yourself, God, others, etc.>> I have a pattern of loneliness pushing me into making very foolish decisions.Everyone is like this. The buffalo separate from the herd is prime target for an evening meal. Find your herd.

lonelycuring大约 3 年前

You need to develop skills to become social and happy again. It's that simple.You need a system. I used to be extremely depressed. My approach when I feel depressed is to write a "stop being depressed" plan and then follow it. My plan would start simple and get harder. I would start with my health, my appearance and my surroundings and then work up to addressing the problem.I recommend you write a "stop feeling lonely" plan and try to follow it. Here is a good example of what I would do if I were you.A template for a "Stop Feeling Lonely" plan:0. Eat a breakfast of eggs and sauteed spinach with salt (something healthy) 1. Eat vitamins, Omegas, B-vitamins, minerals. Make sure it isnt a nutrition imbalance getting you down. Must be healthy. 2. Clean your room / house - begin gaining control and adding structure to your surrounding 3. Walk / go to gym / cardio - increase body temperature in some way 4. Make a list of 5 people, send them a text, ask to hang out / catch up / coffee / lunch 5. Try to have a 15-30 minute call with one of the people, ask how they are doing, see what they are up to, is anything going on? Ask for their advice, mention your divorce situation. Try to connect. 6. RepeatI used plans like this to nearly always stop my depression. It almost always worked. The biggest hidden killer was the mineral deficiency. You would be surprised how missing a hidden nutrient or two can cause really bad effects. The solution is to ensure you are never running low on minerals.

ALittleLight大约 3 年前

One thing I like to do for fun, but may be helpful for loneliness, is pick a slightly goofy phrase and say it to everyone I pass by. Something like "Hooo boy, some weather, huh?" Which I find even funnier to say when the weather is unremarkable. Obviously I don't say this to literally everyone, skipping people if they look busy or whatever - I do try to say my line to most passersby though.I think there are two advantages to this method. First, it gets you over the inertia of not talking to people. You don't worry about an awkward "hello" because you're intentionally being a bit awkward with the slightly goofy start. Second, some people like to talk and will engage you in conversation. Most people will nod, ignore you, or say something like "Yep", but some people will stop and talk. If you do this kind of thing on a schedule you'll find the same people, talk to them repeatedly, and before you know it, you have an acquaintance. Push a little bit and an acquaintance could become a friend.

j3s大约 3 年前

Offering my own advice because some of the other replies would have really harmed me.Listening is a skill, but you cannot feign interest when you have none. It will teach you to be recessive conversationally, and people will walk all over you. I suggest practicing active listening when a subject is interesting to you - but do not force it. People will start to think that they can use you as a sounding board for anything, which makes you feel like you don't respect yourself - because you've cornered yourself by forcing yourself to listen to things that are uninteresting.Sometimes you can find people who notice that you're practicing active listening, and they'll practice it back - in the real world, this sort of person is rare. When you find someone like that, you should notice them, and pursue their friendship.Do not read "how to win friends and influence people" - that book is mentally damaging imho, and only helps to reinforce the idea that you must feign interest in order to win friends.Here are some social rules that I live by:- no feigning interest, it's disrespectful- express genuine interest or excitement, always- hang out with people i don't want to be around- no holding back the desire to be around someone more often (LET THEM KNOW)- tell my friends that i love them- unless i feel a resounding HELL YES about a commitment, i do not make itFirst of all, get a weekly hobby. Show up every time it happens for a month. the friends will come. Choose a hobby that's active - group hikes, bike rides, rock climbing, etc. Active hobbies bond people in ways that inactive hobbies do not, and will give you a lot of funny stories to tell. Take that risk and get yourself out there!If that doesn't work, try a meditation group or church - contrary to popular opinion, you'll find that most spiritual practices really promote active listening, and help people become known & expressive.

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29athrowaway大约 3 年前

Join a meetup for people with similar interests. <a href="http://www.meetup.com" rel="nofollow">http://www.meetup.com</a>Twitch can also be good to hang out with random people doing random things. Streams with a small audience let you interact with people more.You can search for local events in your area using <a href="http://eventbrite.com" rel="nofollow">http://eventbrite.com</a> or others.You can volunteer at an animal shelter, etc.You can also get a pet. Just don't get a bird as they scream all the time.

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andrei_says_大约 3 年前

I myself went through a breakup recently which exasperated my experience of loneliness, esp. in the context of Pandemic related isolation.I came to understand that spending time alone needs to be balanced with time-with.Similar to time indoors and time outdoors - if I don’t take my daily walk, I start feeling uneasy and claustrophobic.Or, sitting still and moving / working out.I call my body “the puppy”. It needs to be taken out, it needs play, it needs a “pack” - or it will get sick.So yes, spending time with people is a biological necessity.Doesn’t have to be in person. I started by calling friends during my walks. So I’d have an hour long walk and a 30-40 min honest, open, uncensored conversation about what matters in my life and what matters in theirs. Making sure to spend about equal times on each other. The result is feeling connected, seen, know that I matter to someone.I highly recommend this - found the conversation practice to be an essential contribution to my mental health.In your case, I’d consider looking for ways to spend time with your children. This kind of separation is very heavy on the heart.As for how did I find 5-7 friends… I called more than that and befriended the ones who showed up for it. I didn’t mind being the one initiating for a while, or being turned down.But eventually they’d pick up with “let me guess - you’re on your evening walk and need a friend to talk to”Yes, I am, and you’re the friend.

tunesmith大约 3 年前

Just a small suggestion that can help a little bit, a (legit) massage therapist. The need for human touch is real when lonely, even non-romantic non-sexual therapeutic touch. It doesn't have to just be because you've got a muscle pull in your shoulder.

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donatj大约 3 年前

I’m right there with you. My contact info is on my page if you want to talk. I am currently getting ready for bed but would happily get back to you tomorrow.My friends all had kids and moved away and I feel… lost. My wife works nights, and I spend my nights alone. I don’t know what I’m even doing anymore, and with work from home having not seen my coworkers in two years… I am alone.

ninjaa大约 3 年前

What worked for me was reducing my work hours and retreating into nature while strongly regulating diet and exercise and hygiene at the same time. The goal is to beat depression but the experience of it is very different from simply following steps. It's really about your attitude and feelings and willingness to change and believing a better place exists. Finding a hobby, alone or in a group, is also helpful when seeking serenity.Once you beat depression, introversion and loneliness qualitatively feel very different. When you have depression you can even feel lonely in a crowd or even when you're with your best friends or family members. You just don't feel connected to anyone and human interactions become utilitarian instead of comforting and you want to scream inwardly even when they are outwardly "going well".My $0.02 feel better hope you find some peeps to connect with and that you are ready to

devoutsalsa大约 3 年前

Therapy can help when you know you're going stuff you don't want to do, but you don't know how to break the cycle. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped me a lot. One of the things I learned was that it's possible to feel a certain without needing to act on those feelings. For example, if I'm mad at someone, I don't have to yell at that someone. If I'm scared that all my stock investments are tanking, I don't have to sell my investments. And so on.

badrabbit大约 3 年前

You're used to company and now it's hard to come by. It can be very hard for someone in your situation.Two important things I can comment on that might help;1) It's not ok, there are people who will tell you to adopt and enjoy your own company but that's like telling a hungry person dieting is good for you. It's ok only if that is what you wanted originally not if you are being forced to being alone. You yourself seem to be trying to make loneliness work this way.2) Learn to get along with and to be nice to yourself. The primary relationship for any human is the one we have with ourselves. It is difficult to be a good company to others when you are a bad company to yourself.The worst thing about loneliness is not that it can crush you (it can if you let it) but that you can learn to endure it and then it becomes your prison. It can always get worse and the longer it takes the longer it is going to take.

zentr1c大约 3 年前

Been through the same cycle as OP.Its painful and sucks. Still after 15 years . I am over 50 now. Kid grown up.Dealing with the lonliness from the kids was the toughest. If you cant get along with the mum. Accept it and leave the kids behind in love. Maybe write every now and then dont blame yourself. If you get along well you should keep in touch with them. Otherwise it will drain you and them of so much energy that in the end nobody has a chance to become happy. And to become happy is what you should prioritize on. Otherwise your kids wont learn how to deal positivly when they are ready to see you again.On lonlines: A very positive strategy for me was that I opened my self again as a spiritual being after being atheist for most of my life. I was lucky to find a church community that I liked. Its is also a place where you have a chance to socialize with all ages not only your age or interest group democraphic. This helps to broaden your social skills. I recommend attentending a service where they sometimes socialize afterwards (Brunch together, discuss or have Coffee together). I found it extremly valuable to connect with older folks and talk about their perception of loneliness and life. Also christians teach to talk to god. So in the end your not alone anyway, somehow. Just try out some services and communities till you find one that you feel welcome and positiv. Open up to singing and worship without judging yourself beeing unauthentic. There are lines in the songs you can connect and others you cant. This can really free blocks and helps to become less judgmental on yourself and others. Ofcause beware of sects that just want money. On the other hand look at it like it is a service you pay for. Like gym, shrinks, alcohol etc. It might be the cheaper option.Regarding women and other releationships... 1. Accept and learn to understand your needs and preferences. Stop blaming yourself. It's all part of the experience. You are ok. And dont bend yourself to satisfy others but learn from others. 2. Learn the game. There are some rules. Most important is 1. There is great literature about it. Must reads are from David Schnarch.Enjoy the ride there is a lot to discover. To force yourself into "learning to be lonly" postpone it to after death.Good luck.

thepasswordis大约 3 年前

Church.If you have never been religious before: go to a Catholic church. They exist almost specifically to solve this problem.

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gexla大约 3 年前

I kind of wish I could do this. I just separated from a live-in partner who won't let go and has been causing me grief for much the past year. Separated with another months before that one. Each time ends up being a lot of spent energy on something which isn't helping me.I get into a bit of an upcycle when I'm alone. Get a solid routine where I knock out all the boring parts of life by habit. Sleep at the same time and wake up at the same time without an alarm clock. Get to the point of knowing what time it is just from where I'm at in my daily routine. Cook a good meal twice a day. Routine for work. My days just flow. When someone else enters my life at that level, then the machinery generally breaks down.I live in SE Asia, and it's super easy to find a place where people are hanging out, drink a coffee, and then just BS with some stranger. I don't even have to start the conversation, as usually someone will start it.Trouble is, I find there are things about close physical contact which can't be replicated. My (now ex) partner can make me melt on command. Every time we do the dirty, I feel like there's nothing I would rather be doing than that. I feel like I'm missing out on some important part of existence if I'm not experiencing these things daily. It's really hard to find the right partner in the right situation I guess.

iscrewyou大约 3 年前

Instead of offering advice, I'd like to ask a question that you/someone can ponder to get to at least a partial answer: Do you have any hobbies that are creative that don't tie into anything in your life?I am into photography. It's been one of the greatest reliefs of my life because it allows me to be creative without putting any economical pressure on it. I don't sell the photos. I just take them and try to learn how to be better at them. Through this, I've found some of the best landscape photographers on YouTube who just seem like some of the most humble people on earth.Recently, I started programming after spending a decade browsing HN as a non-tech person. It's a creative endeavor because I'm trying to learn Swift and Swift UI while making an app that supplements my day jobby-job. I will absolutely use and I'm positive someone at work will also find it useful. It's creative because I have no CS background and I'm just coming up with the app how I will and my closest coworkers will use it.Gym has also been a point of reference for me to stay physically and mentally health.These three things have just been my go to places of output and reasons to change up a bad day or a monotonous week.Doing things that are detached from your personal life for the sake of developing only yourself (especially creatively), I think is the best way to do it alone.I know someone who paints for the sake of painting, someone who works on furniture only for themselves, etc.Hopefully this and everything everyone else has said helps you out.

mjgoeke大约 3 年前

I have wrestled with my own demons, some similar to yours. What I found was I was missing authentic friendship and connection with people. This was a long process, but the first step was to find safe trustworthy and interested people.For you, some actionable steps: Finding a good counselor is an excellent step. I won’t try to advise how to go about that, others have done a much better job than I could. One key would be to take action (and keep taking action). Also don’t just settle with the first counselor you find. Try several and choose which one helps you move in the right direction most.Secondly I have personally found Headspace’s mediations on Loneliness and on Anxiety very helpful on a physiological level.Everything else I have is less actionable.Our hearts and emotions matter. Compassion matters. People being compassionate toward you, and you toward yourself. Being seen for who you are matters.Your history indicates deep wounds. When our wounding comes within the context of relationships, healing also ends up needing to come from relationships. This will take time. You will have to find people you can trust.Life is more than getting by. Find yourself, and find people who love you and respect you, as different as you may be. This is a wake up call, who you are is signaling that you need more.

keyle大约 3 年前

1. exercise, outdoors or gym, preferably gym to socialise a bit (avoid show-off gyms, favour family oriented ones)2. take on a hobby every month, something new, until something sticks: e.g. Boxing (oh that's good for morale), painting, drama, climbing, ...3. go to whatever convention is going on this month in the city, ask questions, hang out.4. take on any sport, literally anything that fits you.Do not drink alone, ever.I personally found I loved being alone riding motorcycles. I'd go on day trips and it was my therapy. I ended up riding everywhere, not having a car (I don't recommend that) and commuting every day on my bike, rain or shine.Finally: take it easy. A lot of people are feeling it, you're not alone, this is a normal thing. Most men after divorce with kids will be absolutely demoralised. Your purpose of "looking after the family" has been shattered and you need to find a new balance. For a lot of men pre-divorce, the kids and the "family running" was the only thing that kept them going. It's 100% normal to feel in the deep end afterwards. I'd advise to seek professional help, see someone, professionally, to talk about it, if you get to the point of depression. But do take it easy on yourself.

iroh2727大约 3 年前

If I just take a purely observational stance with no judgment, what jumps out to me as salient from what you just said is not your loneliness (many people are lonely). It's your attitude towards the purpose of socializing.At least in your current mentality, it sounds like you're viewing socializing and other people as a means to an end (of not feeling bad). A more common view would be that people are (in some form, even if mostly "selfish" forms) the end rather than or in addition to the means.I tend to agree with Alfred Adler's view that "all problems are interpersonal relationship problems" (e.g. I recommend this book <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43306206-the-courage-to-be-disliked" rel="nofollow">https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43306206-the-courage-to-...</a>). Socializing is so core to human existence that existence is meaningless without it (even as an introvert). So I hope you can find a way to cherish and be grateful of the positive aspects of relationships (and avoid or acccept the negative aspects), so that you can view relationships as bringing a form of joy in itself.I guess your perspective implies also that it's a personality aspect of yours (e.g. "most people like hanging out with people but I just don't."). But I would push back against that view. I think everyone, even you and all introverts, are meant to find joy in social relationships. The world can be cruel sometimes, but there are always good things to be found if we are open, willing to take some risk, try not to take ourselves too seriously, but are also strategic and constantly learning and improving. Whatever has happened, think of it as a learning experience. You'll come out the other side as a better man than when you started. The past is past.

potamic大约 3 年前

I'm sorry but this is going to sound bleak, but you cannot learn to be alone. If you are alone, it is pretty much guaranteed to affect mental health. Psychologists everywhere stress this fact very much and there is apparently plenty of evidence in their literature. The human brain is hard wired to function in a social context and there appear to be many innate pathways which are only activated by social proximity and interaction. Even social animals, which are nowhere at the level of humans, struggle when they do not find social fulfillment.You have to find ways to get people into your life. Whether it's old ones who have lost touch, or new ones you start bonding. 32 is plenty young. You still have the bigger half of adult life to go through. In this modern age, I wager a sizable segment of society falls into your same bucket. As much as you don't enjoy company all that much, you will do well to find some and create boundaries. But living alone is an impossible option. That's a battle that won't be won imho.

KerryJones大约 3 年前

Learn an activity that has a community surrounding it. For example, take dance lessons (I suggest swing dancing) -- which is highly technical and is predominantly practiced by techy folks. Or anything that is both structured and social, and the social can help with the loneliness.Obviously, some of these things are harder to do mid pandemic, but hopefully we're near the end.

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dlevine大约 3 年前

I agree that it makes sense to find a therapist.I would also suggest that you look into joining a men's group. A lot of other men are experiencing (or have experienced) things that are similar to what you are going through, and it can be very helpful to be able to share your experience with people who have empathy and can help you through it in a healthy way.

Nexxxeh大约 3 年前

I think my answer to your second question and to your overall situation is to learn the underlying essential skill of "self-confidence".I didn't get mine from my parents, I learned to fake it until I made it. It makes you more fun to be around, and it gives you the skills required to initiate communication with people who lack that skill.It makes you happier in your own skin.As for other advice?Get a therapist. Learn to talk.Talk to people and learn to really listen.If you can't remember shit (and my memory is awful), make notes as soon as the conversation is done. There's no shame in using effort to work around one's own flaws.If someone tells you they're doing something, follow up, and make a calendar entry if needs be. How'd the exam go, how was your trip, how was the appointment?Explore social hobbies. Some of my most meaningful friendships have been formed through gaming.I mainly play Valorant and Overwatch on PC.I'm not a great player, certainly not a mechanically skilled one. But I greet the server, I'm a positive team player, and I communicate. People enjoy playing with me, and it's a great way to start talking to people and spend time with them.Cosplay, skating, raving, try whatever you might enjoy.It's ok to need people, dude. And loneliness can suck. But most other people don't want to be lonely either.All you need is the opportunity for interaction, and the skills to capitalise on it. A friendship rewards both parties. Nothing manipulative or abusive about that.To give you an example, I spent 3 hours on a voice call with a female friend I made randomly playing Valorant. We've met up in person, we message most days, and both our lives are improved by the friendship.Sorry it's slightly rambling, but I hope that helped.

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ckolkey大约 3 年前

Go to the gym. Regularly. You'll feel better from the exercise, and start meeting other regulars. This can be a regular gym, climbing gym, whatever. It'll help.

strooper大约 3 年前

From my history of long time loneliness, I have learned to cope with it by observing things that bring me out of my comfort zone in positive way. I found the following activities helping me- 1. Attending (and pushing myself to mingle) conference or workshop on topics of my interest and expertise. 2. Spend some time at the park or places where relaxed people are around you. 3. Learning wu shu or Tai chi from a good master. It not only helps to widen your physical capabilities, but also you get to interact with other people. 4.Challenge yourself with activities that you are able to fulfill, and enjoy. Volunteering for non-profit organization, hiking in the mountain, learning a new sports, even walking slowly, aimlessly in the market/mall helped me feel myself.

AustinHook大约 3 年前

I can remember a very low period. One thing I did was to build a list of such things to do that would likely cheer me up, and adding to it, whenever I remembered something that would likely be healthy and a pleasure to do. In low periods such inspirations seem too easily forgotten, but then all the more reason to collect them, for when when you most need them.The other thing that helped, was to try to figure what things you can do to make someone else happy, even if you can't seem to do it for yourself at that moment. I found it especially fun when you can do it secretly. Even a bit of vicarious pleasure makes the day brighter. It's a great starting point. And you can learn from watching others, how to feel comfortable and inspired with yourself.

throwawaylala1大约 3 年前

I usually lurk but I created an account just to respond to you.Please find a therapist. Trust me. I don't know what your financial situation is, but it's really not that expensive... especially because you don't need to do it forever. Make sure that you find a therapist whose method fits your level of comfort. This is VERY important. I also highly recommend only doing in-person sessions (if you're comfortable with that, re: covid). It makes a big difference.All of the other advice here is a shot in the dark. We simply don't know enough about you. Chance are you're not an angel (none of us are) and your strengths/weaknesses play a very big part in your life's outcome. Not to mention your upbringing, bad habits, good habits, state of health, financial situation, sexual drive, etc, etc.Therapy is not like it is in the movies. It's a lot like having drinks with your friend and dishing about your life. Except your friend devotes 100% of their attention on you, has professional training, has a goal of finding the root cause of your problems, and does it for a fee.I only went to therapy for 5 months and it changed my life. I'm in my mid-30s and rejected therapy for a long time because I thought it was for mentally ill people. Maybe that's technically true but if it is then we're all mentally ill to some extent.Last thing I'll say is this...Twice in my adult life I had my entire world view shaken to the core. It's a thing. And for a lot of people it needs to happen - they don't just gradually get better and figure things out. Often times a tragic event will trigger it but not always. When you hear stories of someone dropping everything and moving to Japan or something like that... yea it's that kind of thing.It's possible (again, can't tell w/o details) that this kind of drastic change is what you need in your life. One great catalyst for that change is talking to a compassionate and intelligent professional. You'd be surprised at what you'll dig up.Best of luck to you.

tjstebbing大约 3 年前

Modern Western sociology has been an experiment in the deconstruction of community since the industrial revolution, and significantly moreso since the 2nd WW. The 'tribe' has been considered an evil to be eradicated (rather than seeing othering outsiders as a thing to be fixed). The village has been deconstructed with folk pushed into isolated family islands, and in the last 30 years those family islands have been actively broken down by our quest for individualism and personal identity.This is NOT how most of the world functions outside of the west, strong community bonds have underpinned the fabric of society and what you're experiencing having been shunted off your family island is the missing safety net provided by robust community.The advice you're going to receive here will be proffered by folk in the same deconstructed system of individualism focusing on you as an individual.. but what you're experiencing is a need to belong to something greater than yourself that cares for your emotional and social needs, AKA: community. There are groups within the west who are fundamentally aware of these problems and strive to create community, communes, religious groups, eco villages.. find groups that are focused on community (and supporting each-other, being a 'tribe') and get involved in whatever they are doing.Ps: 'untrusting of women' is an alarm bell that makes me think you see women as a class rather than humans, this should be an alarm bell for you too to realise that generalisations about groups of people are always a bad idea.Wishing you well in your adventure friend.

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asabjorn大约 3 年前

We men are meant to be useful and carry others that surround us, which for many men going through divorce is unfortunately limited to family, so it’s natural that you feel an incredible loss of connection when you go from seeing your core family every day to that unit breaking up and giving limited access to your kids.Since you say you want to be around others, but not necessarily converse all the time I would suggest finding a way to apply something you are good at in a local community.For instance, every faith congregation or social club have many chores that need to be done. Not everyone need to be the social bunny to be part of the community, it actually need many like yourself.

monkeycantype大约 3 年前

I don’t know enough to give advice, but could I suggest something for you to consider. In any town with a pool, and especially anywhere near the sea, there are people who get up super early and swim. It’s an instant inclusive group of people, with no religious or political bent, and surprisingly open to people with different physical abilities, it’s not just about elite performance, especially if it’s a community owned pool or in the sea or a lake. If you’re lucky enough to be near the sea or a lake, look out for a group called ‘icebergs’ who jump in the ocean and then go for coffee, they tend to super social and welcoming.

potta_coffee大约 3 年前

I work from home exclusively now. I realized pretty quickly that my work associates weren't really friends.I'm attending a fantastic church full of fantastic people. YMMV with this one because not everyone attends church, and I've been in dozens of churches and never found one quite like this.My other social outlet is sports, I do Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and have made a bunch of new friends. I'm there nearly every day so there's a lot of interaction.Finally, I was suffering from depression and I started investing in other people more than focusing on myself. Finding a place to volunteer or someone to mentor could help.

influx大约 3 年前

I like working in coffee shops. I feel social without having to interact much.

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CTDOCodebases大约 3 年前

> The thing is I don't even like hanging out with people most of the time but I get into this space where it feels like a biological necessity.I cringed when you said this but it’s 100% true. Humans regulate each other’s nervous system. Still I think this downplays the value that others bring to your life. In the right amount and quality people add so much more to life than scratching a biological itch or more precisely: the pleasure of scratching the itch is far greater than the pain of not scratching.> how can I learn to be alone without feeling lonely?By having real social connection with people i.e having a vested emotional interest in the lives of others and vice versa. You don’t have to spend a significant amount of time together. This might be the hard part though as getting to this point requires spending time together and shared experiences. A combination of bad and good experiences is ideal.Also learn to tone down whatever negative perceptions you have about yourself. A lack of compassion and self respect can push you to enter into compromised or toxic relationships in order to sooth these negative emotions with feelings of validation. By all means hold yourself accountable but at the same time realise you are doing the best you can do for someone with your level of consciousness.

syntheweave大约 3 年前

Animal companions are one way to help get out of the rut. And you can learn better from them if they're wild, not domesticated, though access is going to be limited: that's also the point. If you want to really get along with the world, it's right there in nature, you just have to demonstrate you can be trusted enough for other creatures to show themselves. We have elaborate socialization skills but we still behave in ways common to these other creatures, and so observing them explains things about ourselves that can't be verbally communicated.Most importantly, when wild animals have a problem, they just run away. In civilization we are mostly taught that running is futile or shameful, and we should instead either normalize the bad situation or forcefully take control. But that can leave us in a sorry state as individuals, unable to acknowledge boundaries properly or grapple with fears and failings in their appropriate proportion, burying the abuses with whatever escapes present themselves. Self-talk can help with working out the bad ruminations that result: just list out loud what you want to do, and discuss it with yourself verbally instead of silently. When I do this my ability to discuss it with others improves remarkably.

cc101大约 3 年前

It's a poor substitute, but it's what I have done: Devise a project that excites you, and submerge yourself in it. Do be aware that the years will pass by far more rapidly than you expect. It's temporizing, but sometimes you have to do that. I have found some success with a close friend with who I share a compelling interest. For me it's been fishing and prospecting for gold.

wuschel大约 3 年前

Hey,There are many people who are separated with kids, and not being able to see their kids. It is horrible.It might sound a bit cliché, but please bear with me:> I have a pattern of loneliness pushing me into making very foolish decisions.If you have a semi-pathologic pattern in your life you need to find a good therapist. HN/Reddit/your internet forum of choice will not have the same impact as a professional that helps you to work up your problems.

dtx1大约 3 年前

Hey Internet Person!First let me say that it's okay to feel this way. Especially since corona hit and it affected all of us, no matter who we are.Reading between the lines, you may very likely suffer from depression. That is nothing to be ashamed about and nothing that can't be fixed. I would recommend looking for some psychiatric help.You may not believe it right now, but as a rational person you may accept it as a truth anyway: Your Brain Chemistry effects how you feel and how you see the world around you, to the point that you literally see the world around you as more grey[1].On a more personal note, having been in a very similar situation, you may try to reach out to old friends you haven't talked to in a while. I have reached out to a good friend I haven't talked to in years and I'm so glad he's back in my life and he was happy to hear from me as well.I wish you all the best![1] <a href="https://time.com/4018860/sadness-color-perception/" rel="nofollow">https://time.com/4018860/sadness-color-perception/</a>

bradlys大约 3 年前

I’m in a similar position minus the children part. Needless to say - going out is the solution. You need to go make new friends and get into more social environments. Basically start saying yes to more things. People invite you to something and you’re not feeling it? Too bad - just say yes. You found something to do that involves other people through an ad, forum, Facebook, etc etc. - say yes. I found that often I don’t regret saying yes that much especially when I compare it to what I would’ve been doing. (Some version of self-pitty, stuck in my head, feeling trapped, and powerless to change my situation)I’m gonna be honest - it’s not easy. There’s lots of giving up and feeling like it’s hopeless but there’s moments where it feels like the momentum is building. Just need to translate that momentum into something meaningful.I will also mention that I’m a niche product and I’ve found myself very difficult to make close friendships with people. I’m extremely picky with who I associate closely with. As much as I like to think people don’t like me - it’s really that I don’t like most people. Because you’re not outside of your body and inside someone else’s - you’ll find that even if you’re interesting or what not, if you don’t show interest back, people will disengage. So - it’s important to say yes to people more often. And that’s hard after going through a divorce and after probably losing some friendships and being burnt out over 30+ years of trying to get things perfect but failing. But you gotta keep saying yes and keep trying. Also - not all friendships need to be friendships where you could share every single thing ever with someone and be bestest buddies for life with it almost looking like a marriage from the outside. This is setting up most friendships for failure.Also - stay off dating apps for a long long time. If you’re anywhere near average (or worse) looking physical appearance - they will absolutely ruin any shred of self-confidence that you thought you had. Totally blackpills you. To be fair - I’m in SV - so life is already blackpilled as it gets.

ptrklly大约 3 年前

I'm sorry you feel this way! I've felt very lonely in the past and it was among my hardest times--though I'm sure my version of it was different and doesn't have specific applicability, just figured I'd share.You asked on "tips for giving yourself attention". Can you elaborate on what you mean by that? Are there examples you could give us of what that is like, to help us think of other ideas?One piece of art that I loved that is about this topic is this: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs" rel="nofollow">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs</a>. Like most art it doesn't really answer your question directly with concrete suggestions, but maybe it will be worth watching anyway.

symby大约 3 年前

I can relate.Perhaps instead of focusing your energy on loneliness it would be helpful to ignore it and focus instead on the things that you like and genuinely enjoy. Things that often leave you feeling better afterward than you did before you started. These things can be big or small. For me some examples are riding my bike, drinking a glass of cool water, planting seeds (more or less anything, but particularly tomatoes), walking around the neighborhood, cooking my brains in a sauna, going to the beach. If you can't think of any, then experiment. Check your status before and after each activity. Make sure to keep judgement relative and incremental. Things don't need to blow your mind. Even things that make you feel just marginally less shitty are a great place to start!Try to focus on those things that "fill your bucket" whatever they are. Consciously spend more time engaging with those things, and spend less time on everything else. Cooking get you down? Stop. Playing chess perk you up? Play more chess... find new venues in which to play chess (or whatever, chess is not for me, just a theoretical example).As you get better at filling your bucket, you will surely meet new people along the way. Do they fill your bucket? Engage more. Drain your bucket? Engage less.The whole idea is a bit like Yoga... slowly and gently stretch your time-spent in happier directions.Another thought... as you meet new people remember that a lot of them won't be a good fit for you for reasons that have 0% to do with you. Don't take it personally. If 1 in 20 new interactions is positive you are doing super fabulous! Stick to it. Those positive interactions will add up. Make sure you have time in your life to spend on them when the do happen. Having a good chat with the barista, be 5 minutes late to your morning meeting and let the people behind you enjoy the anticipation of their morning coffee for a bit longer.Take your time, take it easy, and seek out fun... genuine fun for you, not what anyone else thinks is fun (a-doy!). People who are your kind of fun will be there when you arrive.

aj91fl48znv3mpk大约 3 年前

I'm 45 and have dealt with similar, isolation issues. No kids. There are biological reasons when we are infants that require the human touch and care to survive (other animals exhibit this as well - whereas, the lack of parental care significantly increases mortality). I posit that even into late adulthood, these biological needs are still there, even if dampened. I've never heard nor read anyone regret receiving a sincere hug from someone whom they valued.I guess what I'm getting at is, if there are no parents or friends that can fill this role for you, then I think the next best thing is that you fill that role for someone else who may be in need - if they reciprocate, that void will begin to fill.

kumarvvr大约 3 年前

Human nature is fickle. But, you can use it to your advantage.There are billions in the world who are less fortunate than you. I don't mean to lessen your issues, I just want to point out that learning about those less fortunate than you, will lessen the burden of your own troubles.I would suggest you have a travel vacation, stop thinking about your troubles and just travel to observe the world. I would also suggest you don't go for regular vacationing places, but go for places of worship, trekking, etc.Lastly, I would suggest you to workout and read biographies. Work-out to maintain a healthy strong mind, and reading biographies because you can live the lives of others through their books. Autobiographies are the best.

vmception大约 3 年前

As someone else mentioned: yoga. Yoga classes with other people. These are solo ventures with the option of interacting with the other people there. This has similarities with other kinds of social workout classes but the difference is that can be fairly low effort, sometimes half of a yoga class lets you fall asleep!Now you have a common interest with people that practice mindfulness, which is also something you need. A lot of the people are fit women, some might find it interesting that you are there at all and wonder if you're going down the mindfulness path.So you can still fulfill your goal of resigning from the possibility of connection while creating the option of being social.

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moralestapia大约 3 年前

Used to be on a similar spot as yours, I read some things that helped me much, I could share them with you if you want to.If you want to exchange some words send me an email (check profile).>my divorce left me untrusting of womenDon't. Good people exist and you deserve to be around them.

dsberkholz大约 3 年前

After working remotely or with distributed teams for 20+ years, my go-to is finding a way to be around people without directly and deeply interacting with them. I spend a ton of time in coffee shops, bookstores, that sort of thing. Many people have mentioned gyms, which aren't my thing, but it conceptually aligns. Many people join various sorts of interest-driven clubs, social fraternities, charities, etc.Also, I definitely second the recommendation of meetups. There are so many out there, and not at all limited to tech-related stuff.Overall, pick something you care about and invest in it in a socially discoverable way, and you'll run into others who share your interests.

dansteen大约 3 年前

I would suggest something a bit different. Give to someone else. Volunteer for something, and reliably show up especially when it is difficult for you. Being needed is a common need for much of humanity, and having others rely on you is a good way to fill that need.There is nothing wrong with having multiple motivations for doing something. Ultimately, you are helping someone else. Your motivation for doing so does not reduce the fact that you have helped them.Additionally, it's natural to care about things you put effort into. If you continue to show up for volunteering when it is difficult for you, you will eventually begin to care about those you are helping.

alecco大约 3 年前

What worked for me and people around me: help other people. Not yourself. Volunteer at organizations for disabled people. For example, help blind people with Internet stuff basics or read them books (or textbooks!). Volunteer about a nursing home. You'd be surprised how many interesting older folks are out there.Then, there are small things that can also give you realization. For example, there's a famous YouTuber who goes with a rake clearing up drains. But be prepared, be careful, and give a heads up to authorities so there are no problems. But forget about showing it to other people. Be an unsung hero. For yourself.

pdonis大约 3 年前

> how can I learn to be alone without feeling lonely?I'm not sure you can. Feeling lonely is a natural consequence of being alone, particularly for someone in your situation, who was used to having other people around regularly in the past but now doesn't.The question is whether you think feeling lonely is a negative, something you need to fix, or not. (Some people don't, btw; there is no rule of the universe that says feeling lonely always has to be bad.) It sounds like, at least right now, you think it's something you need to fix. If that's the case, I think other posters here have given some good advice.

2muchcoffeeman大约 3 年前

Get a therapist first. I don’t know if your insurance covers that.Everything else mentioned is highly personal. You may or may not like the gym or D&D or whatever.But you aren’t going to be able to do those things if you can’t manage your feelings.

jelliclesfarm大约 3 年前

How do you feel about fostering a dog or pup from a local shelter? Pets are a big responsibility and fostering pups or senior animals is better than adopting if you don't want to commit. Testing the waters etc.

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mega-omega大约 3 年前

Thoughts to consider:1. What would it look like if you were not lonely?2. Consider there are 7b+ people out there. Whatever style of friend or companion you are looking for, it exists.3. Your goal is to be alone without feeling lonely. If you feel lonely perhaps that's your mind telling you that you actually don't want to be alone.4. Imo, everyone needs a few people to confide in. Generally people know approx 50-100 people, but there are layers. On the inner most layer most people only have 2-3 people they consistently confide in. So you likely don't need many to be satisfied.5. Relationships come down to proximity, frequency, and intimacy of information sharing. Without these three components you won't feel connected to someone. You can't skip a step and fake it.6. Unfortunately our society is optimized for efficiency of the production of goods and allocation of capital, which doesn't include any of our happiness.7. Read old books. Books that passed the Lindy effect (test of time). There's plenty of wisdom in them that will give you comfort will fuller perspective and understanding of human nature and society. A few are Tao de Ching, Meditations, The Republic.8. There are two ways to solve problems: planning and leaning into mystery. Some people only consider the first option. However doing unplanned things with unpredictable outcomes can lead to the emergence of amazing things. Seek new environments, enjoy exploring them, and don't anticipate how they will give you what you need. You may be surprised.9. You may already have the people you need around you without realizing it.10. If you want to be alone, maybe embrace it with a retreat or seminary for a few weeks. May clear your mind and reveal something.11. Last one since this is getting long. Generaly the formula for a person's happiness is good food, good sleep, good exercise, few good companions, and something in the future to look forward to. If someone checks those boxes usually they are good.Wish you all the best in your journey. I'm sure this detour will take you somewhere exciting around the corner.

roschdal大约 3 年前

This is the status of men in Western civilization.<a href="https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Going_Their_Own_Way" rel="nofollow">https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Going_Their_Own_Way</a>

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tommica大约 3 年前

Probably smart to talk to a therapist, but also gardening allows you to focus your care on something else than yourself (which paradoxically helps you), that in return gives you a place to be and food to eat - maybe take a look into urban gardeningThat feeling of loneliness is not going to leave you, and any negative emotion is not your friend, no matter how it convinces you - instead it will bleed you dry, and leave you alone once you are dead - the only thing you can do is to leave it first. So drop the emotion, move on, and once it comes back you do it again.

O__________O大约 3 年前

Stating obvious, being alone is not the same as being lonely.That said, to me, the key to not being lonely is to be alone, since when you’re lonely around people there’s urge to feel that only if you were able to connect with the people around you that it would fix you being lonely; in my experience, it won’t.Being alone forces you to reflect on the loneliness inside of you and realize you’re in control of it.There is no silver bullet to fix being lonely. Everyone has there own way of dealing with it. But to me, the key to is understand when you’re feeling lonely and find ways to manage it.Wish you the best!

dansteen大约 3 年前

one thing i havent seen mentioned here yet is to give to someone else. volunteer, and be reliable in showing up especially when its difficult. the act of giving is very powerful as it causes people to feel needed - which can go a long way to helping with loneliness. it also can help alleviate the feeling of being "inauthentic" as you are giving and thereby getting. theres nothing wrong with having multiple motivations for doing things. or even a single selfish motivation when you are helping meet someone elses needs.

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wodenokoto大约 3 年前

> The thing is I don't even like hanging out with people most of the time but I get into this space where it feels like a biological necessity.I can sympathise with this feeling. I sometimes look at socializing as I do as working out. It makes you feel better in the long run, even if it can feel easier in the moment to push it away.> Does anyone have any tips on how to give myself attention? Or, in other words, how can I learn to be alone without feeling lonely?Why isn't the cure to socialize and seek out groups you enjoy hanging out with?

CamelRocketFish大约 3 年前

If you’re able to identify it’s anxiety or depression holding you back from wanting to be around others speak to a therapist. If you don’t see progress (albeit it can be a long journal) for some people a psychiatrist can be the helping hand they hand. I exhausted every non-medicated approach until my last option was medication and that did wonders in assisting me with my social anxiety. After a number of years I’m on a path to coming off them and I know they’re always there if I need them again.

Di13大约 3 年前

Hi,my English is not so good so I keep it essentially short. I recommend to you a self treatment for one month of every day Art-exhibition or Classical-Concert. Do it! Go out but aim for those activities only and also go on your own. After this month or so, you might feel the love and need of society and after a while and a little bit of luck you will meet the right one or two people who give you the belief in good in life.We cannot force the good feeling we can only try to find the way to it. I wish you luck and all the best!

ugh123大约 3 年前

There's a lot of good advice here. But one thing I could say is just to start by being in more places that don't always require a 1on1 interaction constantly. That could be a gym (mentioned a few times) or just being outdoors with more people around (not just alone on a trail). I generally feel a little better about my "one-ness" sometimes after just being around human beings a bit more. And then who knows something more may come from it from time to time. GOOD LUCK

adamredwoods大约 3 年前

>> Or, in other words, how can I learn to be alone without feeling lonely? I feel like I need this lifeskill in order to proceed in my life.This is a great question, but I think the answer is different for everyone, and not an easy answer. Whatever the solution is, it will take patience and effort.I don't want to give anecdotal advice or some thin philosophy. I also think there are some interesting answers in this thread. Above all, the number of answers show that a lot of people deal with loneliness as well.

MattGaiser大约 3 年前

> I have a pattern of loneliness pushing me into making very foolish decisions.What are you doing to foolishly solve your loneliness? Might give us an idea of what specifically makes you lonely.

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jarek83大约 3 年前

Each life is unique, so going into details here might not help you right now. But with each story you might be able to cherry-pick something common with what's going on in your life. So here is ultimately short story of my last 10 years (English is not my native).When I was turning 30 I was also very lonely. It was when I was in the middle of the transition from being physical worker to web developer. I was after a divorce which I initiated, my ex decided to take care of our son and to live in the another country while I came back to mine origin one (we were economical emigrants). Because of the career change, I had to kind of start my life from scratch - I moved to another part of the country where I knew nobody. I had also very little contact with my son and my family. I had to work for free to get some experience, had to cut my spending to bare minimum like rent and food. I remember spending my 30th birthday completely alone in a dark room, small room that I rented, thinking that I must be the least capable and liked person that I know. What helped me stay sane was that shortly before all that change started, I defined myself - what I wanna do in life, what I want to pursue, what kind of relationships I want to have. I also took a look at myself, I believe I figured out what put me in this situation and what should I change (or better word - work) about myself to get where I wanted, along with being honest to myself. I think that in general I stopped to worry so much about failures, but man, there were many of them around that time. I started to see small successes and I kept on focusing on them and on achieving them - whenever I got really miserable I tried to sum up what did go well, even if it was a tiny bit, like just finding a good tune.It took years, and some things worked out (work, family, new relationship) and some not (I still have almost no friends). I also learned that the less I compare myself to anybody, the happier I am and more focused on my goals I can be. I learned to be inspired instead of envying, I learned to back off instead of making my point when I see it will change nothing. I learned to cherish moments and that learning new things can give real pleasure.Many people go through loneliness at some point in their lives, even if most of those you see around and in social medial, seem to be way ahead of that and way happier. I hope you will be able to find a way that will work for you soon!

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clarnaskirq大约 3 年前

I can only reiterate the other advice in this thread. I'm also recently divorced, and have similar feelings. If you want to share war stories let me know & I'll dm your twitter. Otherwise, best of luck!And just my 5c: while loneliness is not an illness (in fact I'd say it's a logical, rational response to the situation many of us find ourselves in), therapy can still help us to understand ourselves better and maybe discover a way out of the situation.

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pkdpic大约 3 年前

One of my best friends volunteers at a technology museum and it seems to me like the healthiest way to interact with other people if your the kind of person who doesn't really like other people that much. I'm super jealous he has the bandwidth for that. Personally long walks in the city or hikes always fill a social need for me even when I'm alone. Or drinking coffee / eating alone at a window table with a notebook open for no reason.

vnambiar大约 3 年前

I can't imagine what you're going through, especially since you have kids. But I can leave you with a quote that's helping me through rough times:"It is not how you go down, but how you come back up."It will suck in the short term but treat this as an opportunity to work on yourself and become the best version of you. If that means moving, then move. If that means taking risks, take them. If you fail, try again. The effort is worth it. Wishing you the best!

honkycat大约 3 年前

Go to a therapist.They will help you set goals, keep track of goals, and how to make and keep friends.You may have developed toxic behaviors that is preventing people from enjoying being around you

jjcm大约 3 年前

You need to find a community separate from your current social circles. That community will eventually lead to friends and connections. Find a group experience that has regular returning attendance. A gym class (not free weights, you need something where people are experiencing it together and talking during that time), church, a community college course, etc.This will get you interacting again. Be curious about people but not pushy about it.

SergeAx大约 3 年前

At about 35 I have found a great source of communication, meeting new people and mild fitness: social dance. For me it is an Argentinian tango, but there are lots of other options: salsa, east coast swing, bachata, kizomba. Just find out what dabxe parties are regularly held around you. I am steering clear of ballroom dances because they are tending to be competitive, and I don't like the idea of competitive hugging.

ilaksh大约 3 年前

Honestly I am not great at making friends either. But at least as far as interactions options:Check out Demeo or Eleven Table Tennis on Oculus Quest (Meta Quest, whatever). Or VR Chat. Also there are a lot of Discord channels (or Matrix maybe? ) for kind of everything. So if you can get interested in anything at all and start a project, that is one way to have a bit more interaction, discuss that problem in that area with those people.

narrator大约 3 年前

If you want to connect with people, I suggest you give yourself a "nice" budget to spend. Every week make it a point to do a few nice things for people you know. No need to overdo it and spend tons of money, just quit being so miserly with love and instead look for opportunities to be nice and spread a little caring around. It's a good way to fake it till you make it with the whole socializing thing.

hdjjhhvvhga大约 3 年前

The key is to find something that is really interesting to you and a community around it. This could be photography, for example. At the very least, you will have a good time, even if you don't make any deeper/meaningful relationships.Statistically, the more people you know, the higher the chances of finding a person you can relate to are. So don't give up easily after a few "unsuccessful attempts".

kkir大约 3 年前

Realize it's a blessing to be alone. The most valuable resource – time – is only yours. Nobody can steal it. Read books of great minds, they will become your friends. Human is a social animal. So it's in our nature to communicate. Uplift people you meet in your life without expecting anything in return. In general, expect nothing from anybody. It fixes most things including trust issues. Good luck!

shklnrj大约 3 年前

I found that sports was the only way to make good friends once I crossed 30. If you were playing some team sports earlier, try to get back to it. For me, volleyball definitely helped make some new friends.Also check out meetup.com and see any activity which interests you and if it has enough number of people, you may end up making some good friends. Go join that activity near your location. Best wishes!

foobiekr大约 3 年前

I feel this way on and off in my life. I have a bunch of friends and we drift in and out of closeness.Life happens. Some of the friends above are in a weird place now because they blew up their lives and are experiencing crushing loneliness.Myself, I put too much of myself into work. It's taken years to recover.I'd grab coffee with you if you want. I find most people pretty interesting.

quijoteuniv大约 3 年前

Out of the box: Learn to dance some couple dance, like salsa or Argentinean Tango, and become really good at it. You will learn a lot about relashionships withouth necesarilly getting into one. Perfect to learn about yourself and how to interact with people. You get to move your body, train your heart with every dance. Best of luck

leoh大约 3 年前

One thing that I have found helpful lately -- forgiving and loving myself, in spite of feelings like intense loneliness. "I forgive myself for feeling lonely", "I forgive myself for feeling sad", etc. has been really helpful to avoid adding extra fuel to the fire of grief during these difficult times.

blindmute大约 3 年前

>Does anyone have any tips on how to give myself attention? Or, in other words, how can I learn to be alone without feeling lonely?You don't. You'd as soon learn to stop eating without feeling hungry. You need to be asking how to meet people and get friends, even shallow ones. Use meetup.com and just get out there

paull39大约 3 年前

Sorry for the YT link but from "Kurzgesagt - in a nutshell" there is a really nice video about loniless. Maybe it does help you in the short term too. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3Xv_g3g-mA" rel="nofollow">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3Xv_g3g-mA</a>

dr_kiszonka大约 3 年前

I have just found this document with links to many support groups for dads, including divorced fathers who lost custody: <a href="https://mensgroup.com/father-support-groups/" rel="nofollow">https://mensgroup.com/father-support-groups/</a>. I hope it helps!

senectus1大约 3 年前

you could focus on you...Pick a new exercise (cycling ? mountain climbing?)Pick a new skill to learn (drawing/painting/3d modelling in blender)Woodworking/metal working (the creative hobbies of making something tangible is great for the soul assuming we have one)read, then once you get into your reading groove, read in strange places.

matt123456789大约 3 年前

Where you at? Let’s grab a beer if you’re nearby. Always down to share war stories with a fellow geek.

itronitron大约 3 年前

Listen to some Alan Watts tapes, or get his books if you don't mind reading. I've gotten enough benefit from listening to one of his talks (back in the '90's) that I haven't needed or bothered to read any of his books since then :)

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Cypher大约 3 年前

Long term goals are probably the best things you can have to keep you going through hard times.

nvusuvu大约 3 年前

I find serving other people helps me get out of my own headspace and alleviates negative feelings. There is something about helping someone that edifies and enlightens both parties. Look for ways to serve in your community.

cltsang大约 3 年前

Hey sometimes all you need is just one anchor point.Do you have hobbies that you ceased to practice for whatever reason? Kids, career.Maybe this is the time to pick it up again. Engage however you like, interact with the community when you feel like.

vglfr大约 3 年前

>Or, in other words, how can I learn to be alone without feeling lonely?Being misanthrope works perfect for me.A note of caution - I'm from the country which is currently all over the news. Hating a better society should be more difficult.

kjsingh大约 3 年前

Give yourself time and space. But don't get lost.Spend time in a library. Go to open air or night markets.Go to busy malls etc. Surround yourself with people. And slowly try to meet up new folks.Make a transition in such a way that you can get trusting again.

theonemind大约 3 年前

I don't get lonely. About 20 years ago, I decided to focus on something every time I felt a negative emotion. I did this extremely consistently, and worked most negative emotion out of my emotional repertoire in 3 or 4 years, and nearly completely in about 6 or 7 years. I have almost no negative emotion left in my emotional repertoire.I'd study a wall, or a blade of grass. I'd thrust my attention on whatever I could find. You always have something you can focus on. I usually had a book with me.However, I don't feel much positive emotion, possibly related, and I don't know that I necessarily recommend eliminating loneliness. That might work like cutting off the power to your smoke alarms--just kill the pain sensors and let the problem fester.

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fartcannon大约 3 年前

Do that thing you always wanted to do but don't think you're supposed to do for whatever reason.As long as it's not illegal and doesn't hurt anyone (yourself included).

NicoJuicy大约 3 年前

I don't know what your situation is. But I've met ( a lot of) people through group exercise.Eg. Badminton and cycling in Belgium.PS. If there's a drink after the exercise, stay ;)

joexuyi大约 3 年前

Getting married and having multiple kids cured my loneliness and depression for good.You already proved you could find a partner and make a family. You can do it again.

rramadass大约 3 年前

FYI, see Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection by John Cacioppo and William Patrick to understand the relevant Science.

praving5大约 3 年前

Define a purpose for yourself and then work towards it. You will feel a lot accomplished as well as fulfilled in life.Also, Do you talk to your parents often? If not, then do. Listening to their voice has a soothing effect on one's soul.I would also suggest that look for alternate dormant company such as books, meditation, healing speeches, motivation talks, etc. That way, you get a daily dose of something to think about and look forward to.If you like pets, try getting one. That way, you have someone to look after and would also get a sense of responsibility.

qot大约 3 年前

Go visit your city's Makerspace during an open house and hang out there some. You'll see a lot of nerds who love to build stuff.

blairanderson大约 3 年前

<a href="http://www.paulgraham.com/todo.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.paulgraham.com/todo.html</a>

randomly123大约 3 年前

Okay man - email me on my email and I'll have a conversation with you. Sending you a warm embrace from India.

IMAYousaf大约 3 年前

Hey. If you're feeling down and want to talk to someone, feel free to email me at IMAYousaf@gmail.com.Always happy to talk :)

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travisgriggs大约 3 年前

I’m really sorry for the straits you find yourself in. I hope time will help.I know others will suggest service/volunteer/lose yourself to find yourself. And I know that can kind of be off putting when you’re feeling down and out.I’ve been through the feeling of feeling disenfranchised/lonely a couple of times. After a couple of iterations I began to notice a pattern in the types of volunteer service that helped. It wasn’t volunteering to be in the local flying club leadership. Or to help something happen in the kids schools. It was mundane repetitive work that no one was doing but clearly needed to be done. It was putting the chairs away after the church social. Or washing the dishes at the homeless kitchen. I’m not sure why this is. Because in my everyday work, what I value most is creative autonomy and pursuit of solving new and original problems. I think it has something to do with uncomplicated nature of something like labeling vials at the vaccine clinic. There’s no real wrong way to do that. You just get told thanks, sometimes, and even if you don’t, you know you made a difference and that your part was part of something bigger.YMMV

MangoCoffee大约 3 年前

maybe work on a personal project also seek help from a doctor(?)edit: try to join a local meet up group like hiking and go whenever to meet/chat with people

wly_cdgr大约 3 年前

Become the best Slay The Spire player in the world

lostmsu大约 3 年前

Take a break. Volunteer to help Ukrainian people.

smitty1e大约 3 年前

Strongly recommemd a community of faith.

newacc9大约 3 年前

adult friendships are forged in form form of work. running clubs, crossfit, volunteering, speedrunning, etc

teen大约 3 年前

quit drinking, pick up surfing

graderjs大约 3 年前

This may be somewhat of a contrarian perspective but savor it. Turn it into a superpower. One day you will spend lots of time alone (say as you have more than 60 years or whatever behind you) and you'll need to figure out ways to like embrace all the free time. So think about it as like learning a new skill maybe: how can you get good at killing time. Maybe, I don't know, taking walks, seeing movies, going to cafes, wandering around a city or a bookshop, or exploring some new little places that open up. Art galleries and art openings, may be great too. I guess a lot of that is dependent on where you live and the opportunities for that kind of stuff you have.I like being alone. I'm very comfortable with my own thoughts and feelings and I have loads of free time. And if I see someone that interests me I know that I have no problem going up to them and just saying something. And that's not normally about anything more than just something in the moment, a conversation. It's not even about a connection or a friendship or anything like that. I find just sometimes randomly talking to strangers when I feel like it is really satisfying. And it doesn't mean I don't feel a little embarrassed or sort of scared to do that I do but I just make myself do it anyway when I choose to and it does get easier over time to do that. So easy that it's sometimes feels ridiculous how easy it is to talk to random people and then it's almost like you see it from another point of view where, like, "how is this ever hard or weird?" And I don't just mean anyone who looks interesting to you "romantically" I mean literally anyone who looks interesting to you, not just someone who's in your "optimal mating parameters" or whatever, heh :)If you're talking about biological necessity in terms of sex then I guess what I can say is don't depend on someone else to give you the way you want to feel or what you want to have. Nothing wrong with having that with someone else but make sure you know how to satisfy yourself and get good at that because that's really important as well.In terms of emotion, maybe it would also help to go a bit deeper, ask yourself how you actually feel about this situation (and by that I don't refer to any specific aspect of it but the totality of your situation right now)? Where do you feel it in your body, and what do you feel there, and also what's the emotion and thoughts you have around it?And also then go even deeper than that and ask yourself why do you feel this way? Why is it important to you? What are you making it mean? And maybe try to figure out what's there for you. This last step is really crucial and important.Sometimes gaining that clarity and perspective about what's actually going on really is transformative. And if you do that and that happens then solutions will probably just present themselves to you as ideas so easily.It's so hard (and way too much responsibility and karma) to give advice and I'm not. I'm just sharing stuff I've discovered that have works for me, even though I don't feel lonely and I like being alone, maybe because I already have strategies for dealing with all the free time I have. I'm also in a relationship but that time is bounded. I also have a lot of free time outside of it.Maybe I'm an anomaly compared to most people in terms of how I relate but just sharing my experience in case it can help you or someone else.

arafalov大约 3 年前

I feel (from similar experiences) that it may be worth solving this in multiple directions.Reading/Podcasts/Audiobooks (Audible or Libby)/new projects/long walks may help with loneliness. Later, maybe starting a private journal. Lots of suggestions already on that.In the other direction (being social without guild/doubt about performative-self). You could try going outside of the box in general about that definition of "self". Not in a destructive way, but more in a "who I think I am got me here, try being somebody else and see if that feels better". The feel better (self monitoring) was key for me, as I could not figure out who I was, but I could try a thing and see if it felt right, wrong, or very wrong.One of those healing discoveries was Improv (improvisational comedy). It feels scary from outside, but the courses (look for courses, not drop-ins) usually start very gentle. The thing that I discovered is that Improv explicitly allowed me to "not be myself" and to experiment with exploring and expressing things without costs associated with doing them for real with "true me". And you do get to meet people who are often quite interesting and accepting. I suspect that they start somewhat accepting and the "Yes and" practice of Improv deepens it.Similarly, dance classes. The ones that force the rotations, have progressive courses and - in general - reduce your agency. I know, it is counter-intuitive. The point is that you just show up, and (learn to) dance. Not navigate the social rules of negotiating the individual dances. And if one style of dance does not give you the right feeling, try another one. Often, the popular dances (Salsa, Bachata, Reggaeton) are actually not the good community for this purpose as they double (and often are structured to enable) dating. But if you go to offbeat styles (West Coast Swing, Contra, Scottish Country Dancing, Lindy Swing, maybe Rockabilly, etc), they are mostly about community and acceptance.Finally, I found Esther Perel's "Where do we begin" therapy podcasts very educational and transformational to think about the relationships and self. They are about other people's problems but you get to hear how Esther analyses them and it helps (helped me anyway) to start creating internal system of needs and priorities. This may help with "I know it is dumb thing and I do it anyway", because you keep hearing people explaining completely different failure scenarios and then Esther mapping them to more basic issues of having agency, being valued, etc. So, it helps to think about actual basic needs and then think about different ways those needs could be fulfilled and choosing ones least destructive. Or how to protect your core needs while exploring and expanding.P.s. Good women/partners totally do exist. The hard part is that they need to be "good for you" and you "good for them". Until you know both what you are "running away from" and "running to", it is hard to evaluate whether there is a good match. Also, a lot of anecdata seems to suggest it takes 2 years in normal circumstances to walk that path from "getting away" to "knowing yourself".P.p.s. Sorry, lots of quotes, not sure how to summarize it well. And I don't claim to have solve loneliness for myself, but it is nowhere as bad as it was. But if it resonates, feel free to ping.

teebs大约 3 年前

Thanks for posting this! I found myself feeling quite lonely at the end of a 5-year relationship a few years ago and have spent a lot of time in the past few years trying to work through loneliness. I can't compare it to your situation - divorce with children must be really difficult - but I think male loneliness is a super important problem in our society and unfortunately it's something I had to put in a lot of work to address.> The thing is I don't even like hanging out with people most of the time but I get into this space where it feels like a biological necessity.Connecting with people is a biological necessity! It takes work but it's totally worth it.I definitely agree with others that therapy is a good place to start. Also, it's okay to feel lonely. It's also okay to want to connect with people and to put work into it.A few things that have worked for me:- Just because older friendships have withered doesn't mean they can't be revived. Reach out to people to catch up - everyone loves feeling wanted every once in a while. Most of these won't turn into close friendships, but some might. And even if they don't, seeing old friends will make you feel more connected to more people and make life more colorful. The world is a lot more interesting when you hear more people's perspectives, I think.- Join a club. Or join multiple clubs, even. A lot of people are looking for social outlets as pandemic restrictions recede. I like running so I joined a running club, but I'm sure you can find other clubs to join. There will probably be a lot of new members like yourself wanting to socialize - my running club is 20 years old but most of the active members joined since June 2021.- You might consider finding roommates. Living alone is nice in some ways, but having roommates gives you built-in social interaction every day (as long as they're people you can tolerate). IMO more than one roommate is best.- Make friends at work. If people don't eat lunch together, try to invite people to lunch. If they don't hang out after work, try proposing going to a bar one day. This might be higher effort than other ideas here, but I usually find that having casual work conversations fills at least a little of my social needs each days. (Obviously this doesn't apply if you work remotely.)- Be vulnerable. You might be worried about others judging you for feeling lonely, but I don't think they will. You can express it to them in less direct terms, too - maybe "I feel like I've lost touch with my friends and I wanted to see how you're doing" or "I've been trying to rekindle friendships since the pandemic/the divorce." I had a conversation with a high school friend just a few weeks ago just like this, in fact. I think being vulnerable about things in my life (including but not limited to loneliness) helps deepen the relationships I have and makes my social interactions fill more of my emotional needs too.For me, a mix of all these things have helped. I still feel lonely sometimes, but I feel a lot better than a few years ago. It's a lot of work to build friendships and a social structure, but it's well worth it for your happiness (and it'll make your new friends' lives better too).

anirudhgarg大约 3 年前

Volunteer

cvhashim大约 3 年前

I’ll be your friend OP :)

jonovate大约 3 年前

Where do you live?

azth大约 3 年前

Look into Islam.

WaxedChewbacca大约 3 年前

I'm sorry you're suffering. What you're going through is part of the human condition and nothing wrong with you. I'm glad you're thinking in terms of how to change yourself to be comfortable, rather than seeking advice on how to fix the world to be comfortable for you, which is not really possible.I have done a simple practice for many years that alleviates all kinds of suffering, loneliness being just one common kind. It's described well in this book: <a href="https://library.dhammasukha.org/uploads/1/2/8/6/12865490/the_path_to_nibbana__d_johnson_f18.pdf" rel="nofollow">https://library.dhammasukha.org/uploads/1/2/8/6/12865490/the...</a>The basic idea is this. You have to train the mind, a bit like how you'd train a puppy, except of course that you have a lot more material that needs to be configured, so it requires more patience. When the mind comes and disturbs you about something (usually with the intent to help you be a successful animal), you do some very simple steps to soothe the mind about that issue and reduce the likelihood of the mind bothering you about that again. In this way, you gradually get more and more peace and happiness that seems to come out of you, not in dependence on worldly circumstances.May you be well, happy, and peaceful.

lazyninja987大约 3 年前

Volunteer or Work parttime (like uber or coffeeshop or backend of a reatiler). light work, social group to interact with in a hands off manner.A pet also do wonders to mental health BTW.

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tomcam大约 3 年前

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thepasswordis大约 3 年前

Church.If you have never been religious before: go to a Catholic church. They exist almost specifically to solve this problem.

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ckolkey大约 3 年前

Go to the gym. Regularly. You'll feel better from the exercise, and start meeting other regulars. This can be a regular gym, climbing gym, whatever. It'll help.

strooper大约 3 年前

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asabjorn大约 3 年前

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influx大约 3 年前

I like working in coffee shops. I feel social without having to interact much.

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roschdal大约 3 年前

This is the status of men in Western civilization.<a href="https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Going_Their_Own_Way" rel="nofollow">https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Going_Their_Own_Way</a>

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MattGaiser大约 3 年前

> I have a pattern of loneliness pushing me into making very foolish decisions.What are you doing to foolishly solve your loneliness? Might give us an idea of what specifically makes you lonely.

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jarek83大约 3 年前

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matt123456789大约 3 年前

Where you at? Let’s grab a beer if you’re nearby. Always down to share war stories with a fellow geek.

itronitron大约 3 年前

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Cypher大约 3 年前

Long term goals are probably the best things you can have to keep you going through hard times.

nvusuvu大约 3 年前

cltsang大约 3 年前

vglfr大约 3 年前

kjsingh大约 3 年前

theonemind大约 3 年前

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fartcannon大约 3 年前

Do that thing you always wanted to do but don't think you're supposed to do for whatever reason.As long as it's not illegal and doesn't hurt anyone (yourself included).

NicoJuicy大约 3 年前

I don't know what your situation is. But I've met ( a lot of) people through group exercise.Eg. Badminton and cycling in Belgium.PS. If there's a drink after the exercise, stay ;)

joexuyi大约 3 年前

Getting married and having multiple kids cured my loneliness and depression for good.You already proved you could find a partner and make a family. You can do it again.

rramadass大约 3 年前

FYI, see Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection by John Cacioppo and William Patrick to understand the relevant Science.

praving5大约 3 年前

qot大约 3 年前

Go visit your city's Makerspace during an open house and hang out there some. You'll see a lot of nerds who love to build stuff.

blairanderson大约 3 年前

<a href="http://www.paulgraham.com/todo.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.paulgraham.com/todo.html</a>

randomly123大约 3 年前

Okay man - email me on my email and I'll have a conversation with you. Sending you a warm embrace from India.

IMAYousaf大约 3 年前

Hey. If you're feeling down and want to talk to someone, feel free to email me at IMAYousaf@gmail.com.Always happy to talk :)

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travisgriggs大约 3 年前

MangoCoffee大约 3 年前

maybe work on a personal project also seek help from a doctor(?)edit: try to join a local meet up group like hiking and go whenever to meet/chat with people

wly_cdgr大约 3 年前

Become the best Slay The Spire player in the world

lostmsu大约 3 年前

Take a break. Volunteer to help Ukrainian people.

smitty1e大约 3 年前

Strongly recommemd a community of faith.

newacc9大约 3 年前

adult friendships are forged in form form of work. running clubs, crossfit, volunteering, speedrunning, etc

teen大约 3 年前

quit drinking, pick up surfing

graderjs大约 3 年前

arafalov大约 3 年前

teebs大约 3 年前

anirudhgarg大约 3 年前

Volunteer

cvhashim大约 3 年前

I’ll be your friend OP :)

jonovate大约 3 年前

Where do you live?

azth大约 3 年前

Look into Islam.

WaxedChewbacca大约 3 年前

lazyninja987大约 3 年前

Volunteer or Work parttime (like uber or coffeeshop or backend of a reatiler). light work, social group to interact with in a hands off manner.A pet also do wonders to mental health BTW.