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Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

564 点作者 ac2022将近 3 年前
I posted this a few months ago: <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;news.ycombinator.com&#x2F;item?id=29709273" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;news.ycombinator.com&#x2F;item?id=29709273</a><p>I thought I hated programming and was ready to quit or even divorce my wife. I was not able to have a normal conversation with anyone. I was burned out but I thought I was having midlife crisis.<p>My wife wanted to buy a big house and I kept blaming her for the stress.<p>My job was easy and I had a lot of control over my time, work location, etc. I didn&#x27;t think it could be the job that was causing me feel depressed.<p>What I didn&#x27;t realize while my work gave me freedom on work schedule, it didn&#x27;t give me any real freedom to make important decisions. We were checkmark driven company. I was forced to do a lot of compliance and security related tasks which added zero benefit to our service.<p>After my post, I decided that I either move into management at my last company or get a new job. I worked longer hours and spent all my free time doing LeetCode.<p>LeetCode was hard and pointless. But I was motivated and was able to solve most easy and medium question in 30 mins. However, that was not good enough for FAANGs.<p>I applied to some smaller companies and got a few offers. I picked one really great Series D startup. I believe in their mission and I have freedom to make real decisions here. I got a decent bump in my salary but not really FAANG TC.<p>However, more importantly, work is 1000 times more exciting. I feel alive again. Wife and I are not fighting anymore. I work longer hours but have more energy at the end of day.<p>I just want to thank everyone that responded to my post and tell everyone that if you find your work or life unfulfilling, change your job now!

36 条评论

sacrosancty将近 3 年前
Just a suggestion, but if your relationship with your wife depends on your personal circumstances and mood, then it sounds not very strong. Might be worth taking advantage of this good period to do some relationship strengthening exercises while you can so that when the next downturn happens, you can both understand each other&#x27;s and your own feelings better. I&#x27;m not talking about random activities like going to the beach but finding a good self-help book or therapist and sitting down together working through it regularly. It&#x27;s easy for problems to grow silently until they&#x27;re too big to fix. Relationships are far more important than jobs, money or houses.
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rattray将近 3 年前
Can&#x27;t believe the negativity I see on some of the top comments right now.<p>Congrats and thanks for sharing, you rock :)<p>It&#x27;s really nice to get updates from folks who posted an Ask HN. Especially with a positive outcome.<p>It&#x27;s really not uncommon for humans to find energizing work energizing, and for that to affect their overall quality of life. Plenty of people are comfortable checking boxes and going home early, sure, but that can be a slow death to a lot of folks (even some who might not realize it).
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drewcoo将近 3 年前
Seek counseling. You&#x27;re making life decisions based on web boards. Somehow programming and your relationship with your spouse are tied up together.<p>You&#x27;re riding really high now. You were really low before. Emotional roller coasters mean you should talk with someone, regardless of how you&#x27;re feeling right now.
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corrius将近 3 年前
I don&#x27;t normally comment on HN but reading all the negative vibes made me want to comment.<p>Glad to hear you are doing great! I had to make the decision between a high paying job and a high rewarding job and choosing the second one has been a huge improvement in my life.
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AtlasBarfed将近 3 年前
&quot;My wife wanted to buy a big house and I kept blaming her for the stress.&quot;<p>Feminism&#x27;s greatest enemies aren&#x27;t necessarily men, but their wives. Your previous post indicated you &quot;needed a bigger house&quot; but clearly there was more to it.<p>It seems like you have great emotional investment in two things that don&#x27;t reciprocate your investment: your wife only seems to care about what you can give her, and a job is by definition a business relationship with a company they can sever whenever it is convenient to them.<p>I would guess you do not have a good sense of self-worth. It&#x27;s ok, it&#x27;s really hard to have a good self-worth in a world where you are exposed to thousands of daily messages of inadequacies. It&#x27;s ok to get some reinforcement from jobs, but just keep in mind it is a business relationship.<p>I hope your wife does not also consider your marriage a business relationship. Two kids are a &quot;real marriage&quot; not easily unraveled.<p>Hope the best for you.
reuven将近 3 年前
I didn&#x27;t see your original post. But I&#x27;m delighted to hear that things have improved.<p>There&#x27;s no doubt that stress in your career can lead to stress at home. Certainly, when I&#x27;m stressed about my work (or when my wife is stressed about hers), it can be difficult on our relationship. And then, as they say, you have two problems. Moreover, it can feel hopeless.<p>So many people say that you have to work for a big, famous company, with huge compensation packages. But once you&#x27;re getting paid well, there are other important things: Do you care about the work you&#x27;re doing? Are you treated decently at work? Do they give you responsibility, and the power to make decisions?<p>There are oodles of people out there making good wages at companies we&#x27;ve never heard of, working with people they like, on projects they believe add value to the world. Such jobs aren&#x27;t glamorous, and won&#x27;t make the front page of the newspaper, but it doesn&#x27;t matter.<p>I love my work. I feel fortunate to do what I do. And when I tell people this, they are often taken aback, and say, &quot;Wow, you&#x27;re really lucky. I don&#x27;t like my work; I just do it for the paycheck.&quot; So if you have this kind of excitement, energy, enjoyment, and fulfillment from your new job -- then you&#x27;ve won, as it were. You should feel good about this, and should consider yourself among the rare, fortunate folks in that situation.<p>In short, it&#x27;s great to hear about someone who has found satisfaction in their work. And if that satisfaction has improved your marriage? All the better.
qq66将近 3 年前
&quot;Series D startup&quot; may be a very bad place to be very soon. Keep grinding LeetCode.
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zepolen将近 3 年前
Bro, it&#x27;s not the job, it&#x27;s you not standing up to your oppressive wife.<p>The longer hours mean you spend less time with her so you&#x27;re happier, the pay rise means she can spend it so she&#x27;s happier and the decision making you get at the job gives you a sense of manhood which you are obviously lacking at home.<p>Give it time and your wife will again become unhappy with the status quo and demand more and once again you will be unhappy and blame your job.
d23将近 3 年前
Congrats! I&#x27;m happy for you. Funny how being more engaged and working more can leave you with <i>more</i> energy at the end of the day. I&#x27;ve felt the same way in the past.
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bin_bash将近 3 年前
&gt; I was motivated and was able to solve most easy and medium question in 30 mins. However, that was not good enough for FAANGs.<p>What makes you think it&#x27;s not good enough? LC is important and today it might be even be essential to land a role, but I think people tend to think of it like an exam when that&#x27;s not really what we&#x27;re testing for.<p>The goal is to see how you think, not see if you can simply come up with the right answer. If you need a hint it&#x27;s usually not going to hurt you at all so long as you <i>listen</i> to the hint, are able to understand it, then incorporate it into a solution. I&#x27;d go so far as to say that being able to do that can help you more than reciting an answer without a hint.<p>There are some patterns like tries, left&#x2F;right pointers, memoization, heaps, and maps that studying helps with for sure, but that doesn&#x27;t mean you&#x27;re supposed to be able to immediately solve something without any help.<p>(Note that there are asshole interviewers out there that will challenge you and won&#x27;t follow what I&#x27;ve described, but that&#x27;s rare and personally I&#x27;ve only seen them at startups, not big tech)
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DantesKite将近 3 年前
No problemo. Optimism, useful advice, and motivational speaking are what we do best here over at HackerNews.
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silisili将近 3 年前
First off - congratulations.<p>Secondly I genuinely hope you apologize to your wife and appreciate her sticking by you through what sound like mental issues. Sadly, a lot of people aren&#x27;t so patient.
qzw将近 3 年前
Congrats on fixing the job issue. Now that times are better, might want to consider working on improving communications with the wife, so that the next time you go through a rough patch it won&#x27;t go as far as divorce.
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shultays将近 3 年前
Good luck at your new job but it sounds like you are in a honeymoon period. It is good that you are happier but a fresh startup with longer hours does not sound good at all, especially if you have 2 kids and want to buy a house (ie you need stability)<p>Work is work, the stress will happen when things are not perfect. You need to figure out a way to deal with.
victor22将近 3 年前
Wow FAANG waited 5 months to finish this PR masterpiece
giantg2将近 3 年前
&quot;My wife wanted to buy a big house and I kept blaming her for the stress.&quot;<p>I have a similar situation. It&#x27;s not unreasonable to not want a bigger house, even if that&#x27;s what culture tells us we should want that. Maybe your wife is fine being house poor, like mine wants to be. One bad issue and you&#x27;re sunk and there will be stress. I prefer a cushion for the real possibility of life altering issues arising. We shouldn&#x27;t all be spending balls the wall like culture tells us and then going up in flames at the first bump (not that it&#x27;s your situation, but mine).<p>And yes, I&#x27;m a loser and feel like it too. That&#x27;s ok.
zttg将近 3 年前
I will try to properly word the well known thing:<p>When you are happy, full of energy, love your job, get a lot of things to do, confident, etc - you are more attractive for any woman, especially for your wife, than when you are uncertain, unhappy, frustrated and full of problems.<p>Work as much as possible on yourself and your own happiness and career. Any reasonable woman is designed to feel what is going on with you.<p>Also consider some physical activity which you like. Gym, hiking, cycling, kayak, crossfit - whatever makes you happy and stronger and a same time does not lead to injuries
daneel_w将近 3 年前
Glad to hear it worked out for the better. My current employment is no longer fulfilling and I wish to &quot;move on&quot;, but I can only do remote and such vacancies are very hard to come by in Sweden.
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wccrawford将近 3 年前
&gt; it didn&#x27;t give me any real freedom to make important decisions.<p>I feel this.
fny将近 3 年前
Congrats! But be very careful about the start up you&#x27;re working for. Make sure they have enough cash to survive the next 4-5 years and have a steady revenue stream.
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malshe将近 3 年前
I am happy to see that you could leave your “bullshit job”!<p><a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.m.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Bullshit_Jobs" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.m.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Bullshit_Jobs</a>
CodeWriter23将近 3 年前
So much awesome here, you having the revelation, taking action to change what needed to be changed, feeling the positive outcome, then sharing it. &lt;3
taesu将近 3 年前
Fanng is not for everybody and everybody doesnt fit in Fanng. Im glad you found your happiness!<p>Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot
thecleaner将近 3 年前
Hey congratulations ! Keep at the Leetcode thing though. You already turned your situation but why not go for another thing in your arsenal ?
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UncleEntity将近 3 年前
So… did your wife get the big house she wanted?
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jimhi将近 3 年前
Thanks for sharing, I think many people out there are going through the same thing you did.
tmaly将近 3 年前
Congrats on the new gig. It sounds like things worked out well.
bioinformatics将近 3 年前
You got help here? I guess you’re a “best” loser now.lol
wiihack将近 3 年前
That sounds really awesome. Congratulations :)
mikesabbagh将近 3 年前
Leetcode is not good training for FAANG?
asdev将近 3 年前
easy to lose sight of what makes you fulfilled while on the Leetcode grind. congrats OP
egorfine将近 3 年前
Man I&#x27;m so happy to hear this! Wish you the very best of luck!
holtkam2将近 3 年前
Hell yeah man :)
happyopossum将近 3 年前
Happy to hear you&#x27;ve made some positive changes!<p>That said, as a cybersecurity practitioner, this:<p>&gt;a lot of compliance and security related tasks which added zero benefit to our service<p>scares the bejeezus out of me. Security is <i>never</i> of zero benefit.
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nus07将近 3 年前
Is Hacker News the new Blind ? Wtf did I just read? But good on you dude - just don’t attach that much of your self worth and relationship situation on your job .<p>But this post is Blind worthy not HN.
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philliphaydon将近 3 年前
What is peoples obsession with FAANG companies?
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