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Faux Friendship (2009)

104 点作者 jed_s超过 13 年前

8 条评论

jerf超过 13 年前
It is hard to see through the veils of history, but one of the things that always strikes me is that if you sit down and really try to put all the pieces together, what you find is an alien world, far more alien than most supposedly alien worlds of science fiction, especially if we're talking about going back all the way to Ancient Greece. What we think of in our bones as civilization doesn't exist then. The closest thing that might get you there is farming communities in the Midwest... with no power, or cell phones, or cars, or houses, with dangerous wild animals still roaming about, no medical treatment, no firearms, and no prior 21st-century civilization thought patterns, and you're still only sort of glimpsing it. Friendship wasn't an affectation, it was a <i>necessity</i>; humans are effectively incapable of surviving as an individual with no social support, and these people were, by modern standards, in a constant state of just barely scraping by. Even wealthy people were still just one bad fall or cut from a lingering death. When reading about the ancient past one must always be sure to keep this backdrop in mind, and not surreptitiously sneak in a modern setting for the drama in your head.<p>As some people say, we're already in a Singularity relative to ancient Grecians, inasmuch as they couldn't understand our world at all... and I think it's true in the opposite direction, too. History doesn't make any sense at all unless you learn to stop seeing it through 20th/21st century preconceptions about ethics or civilization. (And I'm not saying I've got a grasp on the older preconceptions, I've just observed that using my "default set" certainly doesn't have much explanatory power for why people do what they do in the past.)<p>I'd submit for your consideration the idea that what we see in ancient friendships is more like what we'd today call the "war buddy" bond, because life was a lot more like a war back then. As we move through history and more and more people are no longer engaged in war with Nature just to survive, we see that level of bond fade because we see the conditions that give rise to that level of bond fade. Personally, I would say this is cause for celebration more than sadness.
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nostrademons超过 13 年前
Friendship's always struck me as closely tied in with serendipity.<p>When I was in college, I had a wide circle of online friends in the Harry Potter fandom. I figured I'd never meet most of them, many of them were just bored high-schoolers, and a few had pretty serious mental problems. My parents were like "Why do you spend so much time talking to these people?" Hell, when I've mentioned the Harry Potter fandom as a significant life event in a past comment here, tptacek was like "Fanfiction? Seriously?"<p>But over the years since then, that group of friends gave me tons of emotional support through my first forays into dating and my academic difficulties in college. They gave me the advice that eventually convinced me to stay in school. Advice on, and a ready-made friends-group for, my semester abroad in New Zealand. My first software project, carried through from conception to completion. The nucleus of my social contacts while I was heads-down working on my startup after college. My job at Google. My first kiss, repeat date, and make-out session.<p>You can't always predict what good things will result from a relationship with someone. One of the things that I hated about the startup scene was that everyone <i>wants</i> something - they'll take you out for coffee to pitch their new startup that needs a technical cofounder, but as soon as you make it clear that you're not ready to do that at this time, you never hear from them again. I never expected that I would get a job at Google from someone in the Harry Potter fandom - after all, she wasn't even a CS major, I'd met her in person all of once, and our conversations consisted mostly of squeeing over Harry/Luna and nothing technical. But when I started looking for jobs and asked who was hiring, she was like "I know this guy, I can vouch for him", and I'd say it's worked out pretty well for everyone involved.
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drunkpotato超过 13 年前
If he had an interesting, thought-provoking point to make, I couldn't extract it through the technophobia and sweeping generalizations and general framework of data-impoverished assumptions that began the article. At the risk of committing the same sin, it does seem that this is the very essence of the out-of-touch article. The author feels greatly disconnected, or for some reason feels like other people are too greatly disconnected for his comfort, and blames modernity. If I am (shallowly) reading this correctly, that is not an original nor profound thought.
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danso超过 13 年前
(<i>this response is not meant to be a defense of Facebook in particular; the essay in the OP is a critique of digital friendships in general</i>)<p>What trite. It reminds me of the essays about growing up in the 50s, when everything was simple and everyone got along unless you happened to be black or gay. If the only way you connected to friends was to write a "10-page missive" then it's quite likely you conducted your personal relationships in a way that made you unable to see that not everyone made and continued friendships through 10-page letters.<p>There's nothing wrong with long walks on the beaches and long wistful letters, but not everyone was able to maintain friendships like that. I'm thankful to live in a world where I can make good friends from random chats, and yes, some of these low-energy-at-first, random connections were made through Facebook. It doesn't mean that these friendships don't progress into something deeper.<p>Not everyone gets to live the kind of life that a Yale professor (the author of the OP) gets to lead. That doesn't mean that the ways we connect now are any less valid or meaningful than the epic moments and letters he apparently shares with his close friends.
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grovulent超过 13 年前
So I've actually gone ahead and built and app for Google+ to help people curate more substantive relationships on the platform - so that in principle online social networking doesn't have to be about being superficial.<p><a href="http://puttheeffortin.com" rel="nofollow">http://puttheeffortin.com</a><p>The idea is that it's just a matter of better managing the relationships and expending energy in a more efficient way - on those relationships that yield the most value.<p>I've only just launched and have no idea if the site will fly under load - or even if it needs more work before expecting humans to use it. Wouldn't mind if some of the HN folk would be up for giving it a test run...<p>edit - btw - needs a webkit browser. Opera and FF latest versions will work - but performance is bad.
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hrktb超过 13 年前
This is intersting for all the historical context thing that is refreshing, and so boring because he takes the facebook and other social networks messages so much at face value in it's message.<p>I don't think anyone needed to read 10 pages to understand that when facebook told you "you are now friend with xxx" it doesn't mean anything much as "this person is now on your feed and can be seen as so", and the real work you did to become friend happens parallely to that. And keeping friendship also has no direct relations to the medium you use (before facebook you sent post cards to your friends, not 10 page missives, and it wasn't much bounding in itself).<p>It's well writtten but lacks insight in what people really see in a social site.
angelortega超过 13 年前
The example in the article about Achilles and Patroclus is not what we would call a "friendship": Achilles was Patroclus' mentor, what means he was his master and had sexual privileges over him. It's not a one-to-one, both-are-equal relationship; it's more similar to a master-slave one. They were sexual partners, not friends ("friend" had different connotations in the classic world).
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kghose超过 13 年前
I have found that good friends are hard to find. I feel that this hasn't changed much down the ages. Superficial friendship depends strongly on the culture and probably did so down the ages, too.