So much of how difficult suffering is comes from how we relate to it. I have one close relative diagnosed with incurable cancer, just one year after we lost his wife to another type of cancer, after a difficult 2 years long fight. I learned a lot about relating to death and suffering in the process. I am very influenced by buddhist thought, and used to be of the idea that the beat way to react to a relatives death was to meditate on the lack of independent reality of the self, and on the inevitability of death. I also used to think that the "skillful" reaction would be equanimity, total and calm acceptance of what happened. But when trying it, it felt very wrong. What changes a lot is to learn to accept the suffering, and learn to relate to it from a position of humility and openness. What I found is that, if suffering sometimes lessens in the process, it does not need to be, and even when it stays stable or grows, the shift in perspective can be incredibly freeing. For instance, one might feel powerless and angry at the world that made a relative sick, and at the medical system that failed to give an appointment on time and thus allowed the cancer to grow too much, etc. Just trying to be equanimous, to "letting it go", to see it as delusion feels very disrespectful and unhelpful. But by opening to it, sometimes the pain and anger are not "my" anger anymore, but universal love expressing itself through me, an expression of something bigger.<p>Here is some material that guided me through this process:<p>"A Buddhist grief observed" by Guy Newland. Pretty much describes the confusion I describe above.<p>"Being with dying" from Joan Halifax. Here, it is a buddhist hospice worker who explains how Buddhist teachings help her in her relation with the dying.<p>Finally, the teachings of Rob Burbea. He was a buddhiat teacher whom we lost in 2019 to cancer, and whose philosophy shifted over the years from a very interesting take on insight meditation towards a spirituality of reenchantment and meaning searching/making. Hearing his latest talks, which he was recording for hours from his bedroom between chemotherapy sessions, where he describes how he relates to his own dying is incredibly inspiring (and I am pretty much in love with the whole of his teachings).