The Married Introvert

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I don’t understand what these two completely orthogonal concepts do together.<p>I’m this though. I’m a raging introvert and I am married. But no, I am not loyal to my wife because my lifestyle doesn’t offer me enough alternatives. That’s F’ed up. Being loyal and committed and being an introvert is also orthogonal by the way.<p>Being a good husband and being quiet and easygoing are also orthogonal. Emotional needs are a thing in both of you and they are not met by tinkering with raspberry pi’s.<p>If you are hosting game nights and actively pursuing community, you are not a raging introvert. Trust me on this. You are a normal person with a bit of both and maybe slightly introverted and yes, you <i>might</i> be lacking an authentic connection. Notice this doesn’t mean a romantic connection, that’s just the “normie” variation of it.<p>But I am convinced every person needs something outside his or herself to truly grow. I think this can be found in art or religion, but I am not sure. Another human is easier.

Oh goodness, this is me too.<p>Funny story: my sister told me that she would try to date my wife if my sister wasn&#x27;t straight, and my wife wasn&#x27;t already taken. Then she said, &quot;Don&#x27;t cheat on her or I&#x27;ll &lt;NSFW threat here&gt;.&quot;<p>And then she stopped, thought a moment, and said, &quot;Eh, but if you tried, you&#x27;d fail anyway because your social skills suck.&quot;<p>Lol.<p>Here&#x27;s one way I don&#x27;t fit the stereotype of the post: I married my wife at 25, <i>after</i> university. I didn&#x27;t find her at university.<p>I tried, though. I got stood up at the altar by a previous fiancee. Best bad day that ever happened to me; my wife is <i>SO</i> much better.<p>So yeah, I fit the stereotype of trying to find a partner and letting my social life suffer for it.<p>But here&#x27;s the kicker: my wife, though she is the extrovert, is shy. So I have to step up, be a man, and jumpstart a conversation with people instead of her. I keep going until I find some topic that she has in common with the person, and she&#x27;ll start speaking up. I slowly wind down my part until the conversation is happening naturally between her and the other person.<p>And then I shut up and daydream of being at home.<p>Anyway, if you find a good partner, marry them. 10&#x2F;10 would recommend.

&gt; The curious question is... how did they end up with their current (and only) partner in the first place? They had to do at least some socializing to get a date... You might become more extroverted temporarily for instrumental reasons... And obviously, a sex drive can be a powerful helper to direct your social energy into dating.<p>I&#x27;m one of these guys, and yes, I met my wife and we started dating because I temporarily made a very conscious effort to meet girls in college. As a CS major and ROTC cadet, I went out of my way and my comfort zone to take classes and participate in activities that had a more favorable male-female ratio. I met my wife in a foreign language conversation group that was at least 2&#x2F;3 girls after asking a few of them to meet one-on-one for more practice. And yes, I&#x27;m sure that my sex drive at age 19-20 was a big part of that.<p>But I wouldn&#x27;t call that &quot;[becoming] more extroverted.&quot; I think an extrovert is someone who <i>draws their energy</i> from socializing. I didn&#x27;t. It was an effort, a drain on my energy. I still drew my energy from reading, thinking, writing, listening to a podcast (radio programs back then), going solo to the gym or for a run, etc. Similarly, I can talk to people or do public speaking for my job, but it&#x27;s still not where I get my energy; I retreat afterwards to the quiet of my office, car, and lunch by myself.

This is literally me.<p>I&#x27;m very happy with my life - my spouse, my kids, my extended family, my small group of friends that&#x27;s been together for 20+ years, and my career. I have very little interest in socializing &#x2F; meeting new people, and would much rather spend all my free time improving my existing relationships (see above), or be by myself.<p>I know how to socialize &#x2F; meet new people, but never feel comfortable doing that.

Welcome to the fold... though I bring my own nuances.<p>Backstory: I&#x27;m a late-diagnosed Aspie, 56 in a couple of weeks, only diagnosed in my mid 40&#x27;s. Had a small number of long-term relationships, and had trouble understanding why the earlier ones ended, until I was diagnosed. Nerdy as a kid, with few friends. Avid D&amp;D player until my early 20&#x27;s (same set of low maintenance friends, with a well understood social contract). Computer geek; SciFi nerd; etc.<p>I am the architypical introvert - uncomfortable in large social gatherings. I went for nearly 10 years without anyone other than my partner that I could call a friend, but was &quot;mostly happy with my own company&quot;. Most &quot;friends&quot; were partners of <i>my</i> partner&#x27;s frienship circle.<p>About 5 years ago, I started up a makerspace, and kind of &quot;instantly&quot; gained a friendship circle in a town where I basically knew nobody, and that was &quot;fine&quot; but occasionally tiring, until this summer when I basically burnt out and quit. I still have some of the friends, but I&#x27;m seeing far less of them now we have no common interest in the makerspace. I&#x27;m still trying to work out what my &quot;next big thing&quot; will be. At least I now know how to go about starting whatever it will be up...<p>But I think the main issue is that I find the social aspect <i>really</i> tiring (I think it&#x27;s masking fatigue). I just can&#x27;t handle large amounts of the social stuff. Fortunately, my current partner of about 15 years is very supportive and understanding, and decidedly not introverted.

In line with other commenters, don&#x27;t see any tension between these two concepts.<p>First, introversion is how you get energy, not directly how you behave. Ideally, people don&#x27;t really <i>know</i> if you&#x27;re intra- or extra- versed because you engage <i>with them</i> well. Being introverted is not a license to ignore social connections or be terrible at dealing with people.<p>Second, even if introversion and extraversion affect your outward behavior (eg: how frequently you want to go to the bar) - that&#x27;s just one factor. For example, I am an introvert and my natural inclination to go to the bar is low. However, I also wanted to meet someone and get married, and if a woman proposed we get drinks at a bar, ok no problem.<p>At the end of the day &quot;introversion&quot; does not define your entire being, it&#x27;s an energy preference akin to &quot;I feel better when I eat the Mediterranean diet.&quot; It doesn&#x27;t negate your desire for sex, children, partnership, etc. and unless you have other issues you can navigate it.

I am a &quot;married introvert&quot;. My wife is very extroverted and works in sales. It was an adjustment for us at first to find a balance where we&#x27;re both comfortable. I rarely meetup with my friends, sometimes lunch a few times a month, but that&#x27;s about it. My wife has a large friend group that she spends a lot of time with and it works great for us. She gets her social needs fulfilled and I don&#x27;t feel pressure to go out and socialize with her.

&gt; <i>They probably started dating in high school or their first year of university and had no or few previous partners.</i><p>&gt; <i>The curious question is, if the man isn’t doing what you’re supposed to be doing to find a partner, like mingling with more people, how did they end up with their current (and only) partner in the first place? They had to do at least some socializing to get a date.</i><p>The answer to the question is right there: in high school and college, you&#x27;re effectively <i>forced</i> to socialize to at least some degree; you&#x27;re a captive in the education system, and unless you suffer from tremendous anxiety or are wildly unpleasant to be around, you&#x27;ll spend a large percentage of your time socializing with other people.<p>(There&#x27;s also the other obvious answer: a lot of introverts socialize <i>a lot</i> online, and many of them meet their partners the same way. I&#x27;m sure at least some of you have been to a wedding where the married couple met over WoW.)

Your point about socializing as a coping mechanism for singlehood hit home. I know many people that arrived in Atlanta post-graduation and joined the kickball league. None of them were interested in kickball. It was just to meet people to date.

TFA and almost every comment really makes me want to unleash an as-yet unfinished masterpiece of a treatise that starts by examining how &quot;introvert&quot; and &quot;extrovert&quot; are useless designations, and ends up with a searing critique of how a couple of centuries of incredibly poor psychological &quot;science&quot; has led to the utter misconception that &quot;normal&quot; is anywhere close to being a valid personality&#x2F;psychological concept, along with utter red-herrings such as &quot;neurotypical&quot;.<p>Alas, since I haven&#x27;t actually written it yet, and it wouldn&#x27;t fit in the margins, I&#x27;ll just seethe in relative silence.

Yup, this is me too. Married with two kids, met when we were 17, went through uni together.<p>For me, having a small social circle is just a matter of preference. I don’t know why. I don’t feel uncomfortable in (most) social situations and I have a lot of acquaintances that I’m friendly with. Sometimes I’ll hang out. Most of the times I just don’t want to.<p>Most of the socialising I do nowadays has a “purpose”. Beers after work, play dates with other parents, tech meetups and so on. If it’s just a random hang out session, I’m sorry but I’d rather hang out with my wife and kids.

Would love to hear about the challenges of introvert dads and the struggles to reconcile needs for personal space with the ceaseless demands of toddlers

I feel like I&#x27;m in a pretty small minority in that I&#x27;m not in a relationship and never really want to be in one. Anyone else here feel like this?<p>For context, I&#x27;m 34.

The definition of a problem is when a different outcome is expected - is being a single older adult a problem?<p>Author should figure out if it is (sounds like it) - therapy can help<p>If they are running clubs and meeting people maybe the introversion or insecurities have subsided just enough to create an opening

This is me :) Another married introvert, would love to live in a cabin in the wilderness alone (where definition of “alone” is alone with my wife and kids).<p>Take issue with the nonsense about not cheating because of lack of opportunity bit though :( People also don’t cheat because they love their spouses and would decline opportunities anyhow!

This made me realize that I&#x27;ve never heard of this stereotype or encountered this type of person. Every single husband I&#x27;ve met has been outgoing and very smooth with people in all sorts of contexts. They had jobs in technical sales or were managers of some kind. They were even good at interacting with kids when they had never had any of their own.