Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

Mention introversion and shyness, especially around geeks, and many people will come out saying, "I like being shy," "I'm an introvert, that's just the way I am," and things like that.<p>Different people learn social skills differently. For me they were incredibly hard to learn, but my life improved so much with each bit that learning each bit motivated me to learn the next. Now nobody can believe I was ever not outgoing.<p>Saying "I'm X" doesn't mean you have to be X forever. But putting it that way reinforces your X-ness. Some people say shyness is like gayness, something your born with. I haven't observed that to be the case, not that I've researched it.<p>To me the problem with being shy isn't that others look down on it. It's that it prevents you from solving many problems. Most of life's hardest problems as well as greatest solutions are social.<p>Saying "I like being shy"... well, everyone likes being shy sometimes. But I doubt anyone who also knows a million other ways of being would prefer losing everything but shyness. Do you like having no option other than being shy?<p>To anyone who says you can't learn social and emotional management skills to overcome shyness, that wasn't the case with me or others I know. You can say those cases are anecdotal, but so is yours.

This comment nails it:<p>"""Please read "Quiet - The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain<p>Saying its a habit is saying that you can easily overcome it. I don't feel it's a choice, do you know how many times I thought about ending my life because I hated being born an introvert and shy?<p>This article might as well be called: If you are shy, its you're fault, stop being lazy and change.<p>Once gays are accepted the biggest issue is probably going to be that introverts dont feel accepted in this extravert world."""<p>The conflation of terms like shyness and introversion (etc) has been discussed before, so I'll leave that one alone. The last two sentences of the comment are more interesting. If you are shy, is that necessarily bad? And is it your "fault"?<p>The other issue applies as well. It's not OK to fire someone because of their gender, race, sexual orientation, religion, etc; but firing someone because they are "shy" or "introverted" or "not a people person" seems to be perfectly acceptable and legal. Shouldn't that be considered discrimination as well? (Assuming that "being good with people" isn't a requirement of the job.)

As I read the comments, I see people becoming polarized very quickly. People are comparing shyness to homosexuality, etc.<p>I think we need to calm down. As I read the article, it is saying that if you think you're handicapped (as in, at a disadvantage, before someone brings up physically disabled people) in society due to shyness, then it is possible to work on it and overcome the handicap to a large extent. If you are happy with being shy, it's OK; no one wants you to change :)<p>I find being shy an impairment to making new friends and dating, and it bugs me. The weird part is: I used to be a TA in the university, and did a great job. I was able to lecture very well, and got good reviews. But in a social setting, I clam up. However: if I know the people well, I can become quite the life of the party. But when I'm with strangers, I can't just come out of my shell. For example: I could never go to a bar by myself and strike up a meaningful conversation with a strange woman.

It seems to me this article has been pitched badly. It does come across as "If you're shy, you're broken", where in my opinion it's actually trying to say:<p>"If you're worried that your shyness is stopping you enjoying yourself/making the most of opportunities then don't worry, it is possible to get past that".<p>I think it's a poor decision that they didn't differentiate between people who are quiet and happy with it, and people who are quiet and are frustrated by it.<p>I used to be the latter, and now even though I'm still pretty quiet, I'm a lot happier knowing I <i>can</i> open up a conversation or get involved in a group if I want to.<p>And I do have to say that I think it's a lot better having gotten over that bump, certainly I've been able to make a lot more opportunities for myself. But it does take work and it does take other people to help you.

For a lifehacker article, that contained very little of pithy, "try it now" practical advice one expects from that blog.

Some people have sensory issues. Too much, too loud, too long is physically overwhelming.<p>They can be plenty communicative in smaller, quieter settings.<p>Contemporary society can drive them nearly crazy, insisting they "speak up", over the din of dozens crammed into a loud, poorly ventilated room. Insisting they tune out multiple conversations 3, 5, 10 feet away from them, for 8 or 10 or 12 hours a day, every day.<p>Give them some peace a quite, and they are quite effective. Give them high signal to noise ratio, and they exceed their peers.<p>One size does not fit all. The first thing a "shy" person often needs to learn, is this. <i>Really</i> learn this.<p>P.S. They can even learn to do the "crammed room" thing, for limited stretches and when <i>there is a specific purpose</i> that centers on those people being gathered together in that setting. (E.g. presentations, conferences, etc.)<p>That doesn't mean that the goal should be to thrive in such, 24/7. Nor to indiscriminately partner up with whoever happens to be in the room, just because they're sharing physical proximity.<p>/grump

If anyone is shy and wants to reduce it, here is a simple, tested, and effective method: Say "Hi" to strangers, people at work, anyone you bump into. I do not mean a low hi, without eye contact. I mean a LOUD "hi," with a It's-nothing,-I-am-just-happy-to-be-alive smile on your face, and keep the eye contact.

There are underlying reasons why people are 'shy.'<p>Shyness could just be being shy talking to girls or boys you're attracted to, it could be shy talking to anyone. It could be shyness that occurs when presenting.<p>Shyness has a base of one having their guard up. Their energies will lock up, close off, and then it's difficult to impossible to use feeling to know you're safe (or not) in a situation.<p>Figuring out what these guards are, allowing the thoughts that come up and feelings triggered that cause your guard to go up is the only way to let your guard start to come down and stay down when it doesn't need to be up; If you go on medications you could even further distance yourself from being able to connect to your inner-self (to your body and emotions, and 'intuitive' understanding that comes from that connection).

The most effective treatment for shyness I've found, was by far retail customer service.<p>Anyone can get these jobs, probably even somewhere fun part-time. The bar is so low for this type of job they will take almost anyone. It's very easy to distill a business interaction down to a short, easy script. Then repeat that dozens of times a day for a year and suddenly you're an expert at small talk with every kind of person.<p>It really worked for me, highly recommended.

Didn't read the article, but I read the headline to my wife who has a Masters in Clinical Psychology and is studying for her MFT license exam. Her response, "That's garbage. Shyness isn't a bad habit, it's a personality trait; and it's perfectly normal." She went on, "The American culture tends to favor the extraverted, but studies show that introverts have just as meaningful lives as extraverts. They tend to have a more refined sense of self, they tend to know what they like, and they tend to be more selective with their friends. Introverts make great leaders and work well in groups, they don't demand extra attention."<p>She points out that people conflate anxiety with shyness. Same with anti-social habits and behaviors. Being under-socialized and not open to new experiences... I'd guess that's what this lifehacker article is doing. So if it's encouraging people to open themselves up a little more, more power to it. But please stop making "shyness" out to be some kind of defect!

Being introverted is one thing, being shy is another.<p>Introversion is a personality trait. It means you tend to spend more of your time on internal thought processes - that is, you tend to "reflect" more, as opposed to "interacting" more. Also, introverts are more self-aware. That's completely normal.<p>On the other hand, being shy is just avoiding exposing yourself. If taken to extremes, it keeps you from living life. That's <i>not</i> normal.<p>It's perfectly possible to be introverted but not shy. In fact, if you talk to actors and musicians (or anyone involved with artistic expression), you'll find a surprinsingly high number of them consider themselves introverts.

The last bit the author mentions is something I've thought about recently, which is - where do I live? Inside my head or outside of it? I find myself primarily living inside my head, which is a very different world than the one around me.<p>While the inside vs outside distinction likely correlates to intro/extraversion, I think it's quite likely a scale of its own. I think this is a much more interesting topic than the introvert extravert war this thread became and is worth everyone taking a second (or a day) to think about - where do you live?

Shyness is NOT "ultimately a symptom of you being uncomfortable with who you are." What an offensive statement to make!<p>Sure, shyness is easily surmountable--just start talking. It's like jumping off the high dive 'cause everyone behind you's already started climbing the ladder.<p>Awkwardness, however, is not so easily dispatched. So shyness has its uses and I'm perfectly comfortable resorting to it when necessary.

That's a rather ableist point of view. Being shy may be a "habit" for some people, but some of us actually have anxiety disorders.

I think I finally realized why Internet flamewars are as a rule comprised of insults and poor spelling and grammar:<p>Passive aggressive, thinly polite, well written (In a grammatical and syntactic sense.) posts on the same flame-inducing subjects are actually <i>more painful</i> to read.

<i>writes article about his own experience accounting for an infinitesimally small fraction of all cases, gives advice to all cases with a boatload of preconceptions</i>

its a survival technique.

Response to Kodess's comment on the site, being approved:<p>Agreed, being scared of a situation isn't necessarily habit, but it's definitely not good, and as you mentioned, can even cause you to become suicidal. Put into that perspective, it seems it would definitely be beneficial to not be shy if you had the choice - and that's what the author here is trying to get at. I was suicidal and shy all throughout school, until sophomore year of high school. That's when I became so fed up with my piece of shit life that I gave myself an ultimatum to change it. Started throwing myself into social situations (for me, it was primarily my utter inability to be attractive to girls that was making me suicidal - I couldn't even <i>start</i> to speak to a girl - <i>any</i> girl), and bit by bit, sophomore year entirely changed the trajectory of my life.<p>In retrospect, I was enormously awkward in all my first attempts to break my shyness, and it was entirely fueled by feelings of inadequacy and coming to <i>identify</i> with my current state - seeing it as an inherent part of me. I was <i>born</i> shy, this <i>is</i> the way I'm am, I can't change it, it's impossible, this is just who I am and it sucks shit and I'll kill myself eventually. Utterly defeatist talk. If you think that way, if you never even make the concerted attempt (do it for 3 months, at least, concerted full force and then you can say you've made the attempt and it failed miserably), then of course you're never going to change and it might as well not be a choice, even though it truly is.It's tough as shit, but you can get over it. And over time, what the author means is that it becomes more than habit - it becomes so deeply ingrained into your own perception of yourself that you can't escape it. At some point, you don't even try, and you condemn yourself to a pointless life of suffering and missed potential. Don't let it happen.<p>Anyway, to finish up my personal story - I've fairly completely lost all my shyness, though there are still times where I can't think of anything to say and am entirely out of my element at a social gathering. I'm just now realizing that I'm almost certainly a massive introvert, but as has been said already here, introversion isn't the same thing as shyness. Those who are shy will very likely tend towards introversion and those who are introverted may quite likely become shy as a lack of exposure to social situations, but learning how to cope with social situations and not be afraid is simply a result of experience, practice, and exposure. Do it enough and you'll realize there's nothing to be afraid of.<p>As a result of my first forays with girls in sophomore year, I realized I could change almost anything about myself that up to that point I had assumed were inherent failings in my being - I started taking the hardest classes in school, joined cross country (had never been athletic before), hell, even joined Speech and Debate Team and started my own microfinance organization...went on to fairly unequivocally become the highest achiever in my school, first person in its history to attend Harvard, now on leave to build a startup, traveled to all 7 continents last year largely on my own, etc. etc. No longer suicidal at all. Needless to say, my life was entirely transformed by that one simple decision I made in the summer before sophomore year of high school - to be fed up with the subpar person I was being, to refuse to accept my shyness, and to do something about it. Small changes can take you a far way.<p>Tangential, but pertinent in attitude: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&#38;v=qX9FSZJu448" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&#38;v=q...</a><p>Best of luck!