How to Talk to Human Beings

Read the comic of the kid in the high chair as the panels being oriented like:<p><pre><code> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 </code></pre> rather than:<p><pre><code> 1 2 1 2 3 4 3 4 </code></pre> It's much more surreal that way.

I get hit by this all the time. Many times when I'm talking with my girlfriend I realize that what she wants is not for me to leap into "problem-solving" mode which I naturally tend towards, but understanding/empathy mode (similar to the "That's frustrating" example in the post). Realizing that during a conversation dramatically changes the flow for the better :)

Like much general-purpose advice, it's only good on average, but damaging for those more than a standard deviation away from the average in either direction. Parroting doesn't work on me, and it doesn't work on several people I've tried it on. (Other times for other people it does work, though. If you've tried it and it does, I guess keep doing it, if you've tried it and it doesn't, stop.) For kids, I observe kids from the same parents in the same household and city grow up to be completely different, and so what techniques might have worked on one child to accomplish a goal would fail for another child. I was pleased when I listened to Feynman describe this experience with his own children in one of his videos. Anyway, if I had a child I'd try this technique and see if it works or not and decide from that whether to keep using it.<p>The technique has been known about for a long time (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening" rel="nofollow">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening</a> regrettably doesn't include a history section), and I see the old related gender joke of "women just want to hear their own opinion in a deeper voice" reoccurring in the comments here. My favorite relatively recent comedic take on the technique is from an episode of Malcolm in the Middle, S02E15:<p><pre><code> Malcolm: Mum, I have a problem, I need to talk. Lois: Good, you can talk, and I will listen. Malcolm: This football player wants to use an essay I wrote for his college application and pretend it's his own. I know it's dishonest, but I might be making too much of it. I wanted to get your advice. Lois: You're hoping I can help you. Malcolm: Yeah, I just said that. So, I don't think he should get into college under false pretenses. But are they really false pretenses if nobody thinks he's smart anyway? I don't want to be a part of his cheating, but also don't want to take away his shot at going to college. I just don't know what to do. Lois: You're uncertain what action to take. Malcolm: Yes. Why are you talking like a robot? Lois: You want to know why I'm talking like a robot. Malcolm: I have a problem and I need your help! All you're doing is mindlessly parroting back what I say. Lois: You say one thing, and I restate it. Malcolm: Forget it, if you're not going to help me, you don't have to mock me! (gets up and leaves the room) Lois: (calling too late) We did not come from a family of criminals, you do not let him turn in that essay! Oh god, I knew listening to our kids would be a mistake.</code></pre>

That book, <i>How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk</i> has been a staple in our (childless) household since we discovered it decades ago. The extent to which we recommend it to new couples and new parents is embarrassing.<p>It's partially about empathy, but it's also about taking smaller steps to communication. E.g. <i>I see Legos all over the floor</i> rather than <i>look what a mess you made!</i>.

I'm not sure the correct lesson is being learned here. He gives a set of things you can do to calm the situation down, but I don't get the feeling that he knows why.<p>First, people want to know that you understand them. Repeating back what they said helps. But even better is to rephrase what they said, so that they know you understand. And if you don't understand, that can be corrected before you go any further.<p>Second, people want you to listen. Once you've established that you understand, repeating everything back is really, really annoying to both sides. Gentle noises show you're still listening, if you use them at the right time. You may have to return to repeating if things get complicated.<p>Third, you identify their problem so that they can see it clearly. In this case, he's labeling their emotions, which is just part of the problem. But it could lead to them realizing that they need to fix it in a way that relieves that emotion. "It would be nice if there was another way to do that" is another way, but the other option can't be too obvious or it comes out as sarcasm.<p>And last, you either solve their problem, of let them solve it on their own, inception-style. You've led them by the nose to the problem in part 3, and now it's time to let them solve it. If they just can't, you'll have to help them with the solution a bit.<p>Until this point, I guess I didn't understand just how little of this other people understood. I've been empathizing with people for years and helping them solve their problems. It was especially helpful when I was doing phone tech support, but continues to be helpful in software development and personal relationships.<p>When you get good at this, you don't even think about what you're doing. You just do it because it's fairly obvious what the right response is at every moment.

Without having read the book in question, I feel this advice is good but partial. A lot of what he mentions in this post is mirrored in Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People". I feel that Carnegie goes much more in depth than this blog summary.<p>One thing: the deli example he gives makes it seem (whether on purpose or not) that you should just say the words to get what you want rather than to actually care about what the other person is saying. You aren't trying to manipulate the other person; instead you should sympathize with them. I personally prefer this attitude change rather than a strictly behavioral change.

I'd also highly recommend the book Crucial Conversations: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328/" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-S...</a><p>It's a little on the dry side but it provides guidance on some very straightforward to pick up skills which are unimaginably important in business and personal relationships.

"<i>because I want to freakin' kill this kid at least three times a day</i>"<p>Nice. I just don't relate to this.

In a sense this is what good designs do. It's a bit about problem solving, and a lot about emotional understanding.

This one time I saw a mother and a child maybe three years old entering a bus I was riding. The child behaved nicely until the bus took of, and then he begun crying and fooling around. The mother tried to invent every kind of amusement for the boy, so that he would not bother other passengers.<p>I so don't want this when I have kids. The boy was so obviously using the situation to get attention. I thought that the best way is to ignore him. But maybe the best way would have been to tell him why it's so annoying that he cries in a bus. So this text definitely had something to consider.

There is also "People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts" and several other books that cover this topic. And no, the title does not fail to deliver.

This should be communication 101. For kids, it's crucial - don't speak to them like idiots, they're actually constantly figuring things out and are probably more observant than we are. But for everyone, it's a great approach that really works, and will widen your understanding of any particular situation as well as theirs.

I know if someone had pulled that cell phone signal conversation parroting trick on me, I'd have gone into a murderous rage. Everybody's different.<p>The "we're out of cereal" trick seems interesting though. But at what point are you not letting kids learn how to be confrontational? It's annoying, but it's an important life skill.

Sure, the virtue of Empathizing come as a surprise to those who are strong at Systemizing.<p>Active Listening is somehow ok with kids, with adults it smells manipulative to me. For women, as always, it's a different story (kidding).

should have been titled "How to Talk to Kids". I was sorely disappointed.

&#62; <i>He calmed down.</i><p>Is it just me or does this example conversation feel really horrible, not-involved and distant? I can see how this technique of mirroring and showing empathy can work well in certain situations but it is less "communication" as it is basically getting someone to shut up and take care of themselves, like in the example. No further conversation after that. Sure this would be great to empower your children but let's see you try that in a heated project discussion with "requested feature A is missing" instead of "cereal" or anywhere else outside of a parental context...