Ask HN: Do you have "confidence"? In spite of your issues, how can you have it?

7 点作者 purple-leafy3 个月前

I’m not a confident person. I never have been, I’m 30 now and have just suffered some major setbacks lately: partner left me, took the dog, lost my job, diagnosed with ADHD, diagnosed with arthritis, got skinny-fat, realised my parents abused me growing up … etcBut I always challenge myself harder when I have setbacks, so I have grit: I got a new better job in a new role, I started back at gym and hitting it hard, started cardio 6 days a week and weightlifting 3 days, social soccer and badminton, reached out to remaining friend (singular), started therapy, started doing fun activities on weekends, started trying to be more social and talk to people, switched to a dumb phone, got rid of social media, eating healthy, sober for 1.5 years.But I’m so awkward. And I’m so unconfident in myself. I never feel in control. I feel like I’m a people pleaser even though I have hard morals. I’m always kind to people and smile and nice, polite in conversation and ask people about themselves. But I realise no one asks back. And when I walk past strangers I get nervous and smile at them, feeling judged. I feel like I’m constantly “on” and that I have to be my best self to everyone and the garbage man. But I question myself, who cares what people think? But subconsciously I clearly care very deeply what EVERYONE thinks and it’s exhausting.Like I said I have ADHD. I’m inconsistent, I swing between very intellectual (I’ve built and sold viral software, I’ve won startup competitions, I’m way above average at some things like ideation and execution) but I’m dumb as bricks in other areas - social situations with more than 1 person are extremely hard to navigate, I constantly have relationship issues with everyone, I find the workplace and jobs impossible to perform in even though I have innate ability in what I do.What gives? How do you get confidence when you’re always in your own head, and life’s hard?When I say confidence I mean quiet confidence, confidence in my own actions and abilities and lot in life x social interactions. Not “alpha male” confidence.

6 条评论

techjamie3 个月前

I used to be pretty shy and quiet. I'm not exactly "loud" these days perse, but I can walk into a place and strike a conversation if it's socially acceptable.For keeping myself up, I keep in mind that even if I end up in a bad position, I'm a smart guy. I've navigated myself out of tough spots before just fine, and I can do it again. As much as I can, I hold my own self worth, and don't base it on other people's opinions of me.For dealing with other people, something I realized was that everybody else is usually too preoccupied in themselves to think that hard about what anyone else is doing. Chances are, even if you embarrass yourself, the other person will have forgotten it within a day unless you're particularly close to them. And even if their opinion of you does shift a bit negative, are they someone whose opinion you really value?Of course I care what my friends think, my boss, my romantic partner, family; but if one person outside of that has a problem with me, that doesn't have to affect me in any way. I just be as cool as I can with everyone and anything on their end is on them.

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lurk23 个月前

Many of the concerns you've listed stem from a lack of self-esteem. You list lots of activities that are stereotypically associated with a full, worthwhile life, but then make indications that these things aren't bringing you the satisfaction you were dreaming of. It's up to you to discover where you will find that ultimate satisfaction. Many people turn to religion. One of the pleasant effects of adversity is that it allows us to see that the sun will rise tomorrow, even if we fail today. When something bad happens to us, it is natural to feel as though it is the end of the world; but there is a constancy to certain things, and if you simply allow yourself to experience what is constant, knowing that the things that trouble you will one day be water under the bridge, you may find that these feelings go away.On a more practical note, it is important in conversation to assume that your perspective has inherent value. People can perceive when you are trying to please them out of a desperate need for validation, and based on your self-esteem issues, it seems like this is probably what is happening here. If you can't make yourself believe your perspective has inherent value, just treat it like a game - fake it if you have to. You'll soon find that most people will validate your perspective as inherently valuable. It's important to reciprocate this attitude - people can also perceive when you are using them as a means to an end. It is important that you show a sincere interest in how other people think and feel if you want to build deeper relationships with them. The easiest way to do this is to ask opinion questions. You don't need to agree with their opinion; disagreeing with them is a great way to practice acknowledging your own perspective as inherently valuable. The important thing is simply to ask what they think of something.If you do find yourself craving deeper relationships, you should know two things: 1) The anxiety you're experiencing ("No one asks back") does not go away even if you're in a stable relationship, because it ultimately stems from thought patterns rooted in low self-esteem and 2) if you are primarily socializing in group settings, don't try to befriend the group, befriend individuals within the group.

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lordkrandel2 个月前

My take as undiagnosed ADHD in constant burnout to just self sustain.You are NOT ALONE. Adults barely manage to stay alive, just mask better. Your parents and ex colleagues too.Get a therapist, realise that your ADHD is actually you, get better with it, treat it as you would your dog friend. Find another job asap, doesnt matter if you like it.Produce any kind of art, follow inspiredtowrite on Instagram. Accept a virtual hug from me and everyone in the world that barely copes.We are not all alphas, and it's a lie that you have to.

Terr_3 个月前

I see you already mentioned therapy, so I'll only lightly touch on that: A large chunk of confidence comes from the subconscious knowledge that you aren't at risk of being exiled from a tribe of fellow apes. The confidence of security, rather than the confidence of ability.With respect to uneasy social situations, sometimes I take refuge in a kind of "at least I have the virtue of honesty" approach, which starts with a willingness to say "I don't understand." Granted, that does depends on knowing I won't ever say "I don't understand, why are you sad your dog died?"> "Adulthood isn’t an award they’ll give you for being a good child. You can waste... years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are good enough. No. You have to just... take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, I’m sorry you feel like that, and walk away. But that’s hard."-- A woman recovering from a bad marriage in A Civil Campaign by Lois McMaster Bujold

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kaycebasques3 个月前

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden helped me a lot. I've read it 3 or 4 times.The single most important activity for me was actively confronting or working on areas where I felt a lack of confidence. E.g. I was embarrassed by my lack of dancing skills so I took hip-hop dance classes. "Fear is the mind killer…"Good Luck

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herbertl3 个月前

While I'm sorry to hear about the setbacks, it sounds like you've really overcome them. Congratulations on the momentum!I've found journaling and introspection to be helpful for building confidence. Sharing some questions below intended for you to journal through:> But I question myself, who cares what people think? But subconsciously I clearly care very deeply what EVERYONE thinks and it’s exhausting.I think you've hit it on the nose here!Have you focused on this point in therapy?What role do you think family and cultural background might play?(Aside: I grew up in a collectivist culture and my family is quite traditional—people pleasing is the norm!)What would it take for you to like yourself even if other people don't like you?> I’m dumb as bricks in other areas - social situations with more than 1 person are extremely hard to navigate, I constantly have relationship issues with everyone, I find the workplace and jobs impossible to perform in even though I have innate ability in what I do.In her book Scout Mindset, Julia Galef suggests there are two types of confidence:1. Epistemic confidence—certainty in something, like a weather prediction2. Social confidence—comfort with other people, and self assurance. It sounds like you might consider focusing on building social confidence.What is your inner dialogue like? How do you talk to yourself generally? (Are you hard on yourself? Were your parents hard on you?)Did you grow up learning that you could only feel confident after you've "earned it" or had a good reason to? (Kunal Gupta wrote a good post on this here: <a href="https://www.howto.live/post/confidence" rel="nofollow">https://www.howto.live/post/confidence</a>)> When I say confidence I mean quiet confidence, confidence in my own actions and abilities and lot in life x social interactions.I feel certain that just by defining confidence for yourself so clearly, you're going to get there sooner or later!