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Why Being Smart Won't Get You Laid

172 点作者 alexitosrv大约 16 年前

35 条评论

bokonist大约 16 年前
Woman did not evolve to find smart guys or "nice" guys attractive. Woman are programmed to find the leader of the pack attractive, even if said leader is an a<i></i>hole. Fortunately, most well raised woman were taught with their rational minds to be wary of the jerk and to go for the gentleman. So rationally they want the nice guy, but the animal mind wants the leader of the pack. This creates conflict. If you've ever been in a situation where you've had a close female friend tell you - "you're a nice guy, but I'm sorry, I'm just attracted to you. I really wish I was, but I'm not" - you know what I mean.<p>The answer is not to become to an asshole, but you should cultivate an air of being more like a leader of the pack. Note you do not have to actually be a leader of a group of guys to do this. It's just about sending the right signals to the female's animal mind.<p>Things you can do to give that impression are: be confident when approaching girls, do not be needy or give off signs of desperation, tease her, be interesting, give off a sense of bemused indifference, don't act like your trying too hard, do not be afraid to touch her on the arm or shoulder, flirt with her friends, etc. I learned this stuff through experience and friends, but there are sources on the internet that can greatly speed up the process. You can read the archives of Roissy's blog, but be warned, it's very not PC - <a href="http://roissy.wordpress.com/" rel="nofollow">http://roissy.wordpress.com/</a>
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davidw大约 16 年前
One thing that helped me a lot: investing some money in some salsa dancing lessons. First of all, I actually enjoy it, it's fun (if you don't like it you wont' get far). Second, it's sort of cool, compared to, say, talking about startups and computers with someone who is potentially not interested in either one. Also, it's something where practice does pay off, and where you can't fake it, so investing some time will get you results. It's a real dance, too, between a man and a woman (well, a couple in any case, but we'll leave out the PC stuff for the sake of convenience) where the man leads and the woman follows, and they hold on to one another, not one of those flaily club type dance things. You can learn a lot about someone in a 2 or 3 minute dance with them, actually, and if you go to the right sort of clubs, people often change partners, so you have the chance to dance with lots of different people (so it's sort of like speed dating, but not so silly) and see what works out. Most places I've ever been to, people are having fun and smile, which I find a lot more attractive than the pouty, I'm-too-cool look. Oh, and finally, women who know how to really dance salsa are hot. Moving and swaying like that really adds something! Getting up the confidence to ask people to dance is really good too. You'll get shot down lots too, but you learn to deal with that.
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jlees大约 16 年前
An incredibly masculine-focused article even if it made plenty of attempts to try to generalise across both the sexes.<p>Being a smart woman gives you totally different dating prospects than being a smart guy (and not just the obvious). Seriously.<p>It also gives you reasons to turn off the opposite sex that don't seem to be mentioned in the article - for example a lot of women play it dumb for fear of intimidating the guy they're flirting with. I've even caught myself doing it, which is saying a lot - I wear my IQ and education like a suit of armour most of the time.
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charlesju大约 16 年前
1. Sex is overrated. Like they said in the 40 year old virgin, don't put the pussy on a pedestal. If someone doesn't like you for who you are, they are probably not worth the time to sleep with. Find someone you can love, it's a much more rewarding experience, trust me.<p>2. If you are bent on being a "player", and you are smart (truly smart, not just smart as in able to program smart), then you can probably learn how to do it. Human beings are not that complicated.
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adrianwaj大约 16 年前
I'll sum it up: for a nice guy, the onus is on the female to say "yes" to his advances (if any) and for the dark-triad male, the onus is on her to say "no" to his advances.<p>As sexuality today is still very much mostly a powerful unconscious drive, it is harder for most females to say "yes" than "no," because saying yes is a conscious decision and the female instead finds it easier to remain passive to her powerful unconscious side around these aholes, and which is why she's even interested in either in the first place.<p>Aholes can muscle in on the nice guy, and we have not reached the tipping point for many females to take better control of their sexuality.<p>In the end you can be a nice guy, but when the ahole comes along, be prepared. Don't leave it up to her to say yes.
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Tsagadai大约 16 年前
The guy has a number of things backward or set in stone.<p>First off you can have your cake and eat it. You don't actually need to cease being anything to get laid you just have to look harder. Honesetly, it is just that easy, somewhere out there is a woman/man/transgender looking for someone just like you. Hell, there are probably 10 people like that in every country.<p>Second, the author takes a very macho outlook on dating. You don't have to do that. People are quite varied. Some like X, some prefer Y and some really love Q. His entire 'be the (wo)man' bit just smacks of heterocentricism and ignorance. Some people like the same. If that is you I encourage you to pursue that because you will be far, far happier than if you repress who you really are.<p>Third. This point is just my advice. Don't deride people or look down on them. You will find love in peculiar places if only you look. So you're smart. Big deal. Don't dismiss that girl who left school before senior or the guy who never went to college. There are different forms of intelligence and you can find intelligent people who are not in the mold of the traditionally smart, educated and successful.<p>And lastly, get out of the house/town/country. You will never find anyone, not even for a date if you don't get away from your personal comfort zone. I'm not dismissing those who only want to meet people through friends only that you must be truly lucky to find love that way. It is always best to expand yourself and head to the horizon of the known.
sachinag大约 16 年前
Frankly, there's an opportunity here: make a dating site just for smart people. Don't just ask about people's alma mater, ask for their GPA and major. Don't just let people say what they do, ask what their employer and title is. Ask for SAT, GRE, GMAT, LSAT, whatever other scores.<p>Then let your users screen on the stuff that they use as a proxy for smart. We all have different definitions for smart; just try to accommodate as many of them as possible. Women complain <i>all the time</i> about having to act dumber to find a man because the dumb men are the ones who ask them out.
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blader大约 16 年前
Being smart won't get you a lot of things.<p>OTOH, being smart at getting yourself laid will almost certainly get you laid.
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ajuc大约 16 年前
I've always been shy and had troubles with relations with other people. I've met my wife by chance, and it was miracle that she didn't put me down when I've told her repeatedly "I'm so boring, really, let's speak about you" on our first "date" :).<p>I was expecting women will appreciate that I'm so humble etc. It turns out they just thought I'm really boring, if I say so myself. So this is lesson number one - don't assume women will appreciate that you are humble.<p>Still - my wife somewhat endured my "I'm so humble and nice etc" talk, and we're married now, so there is a chance to everybody :)<p>So - lesson number 2 is - when you meet right kind of person at right moment in life, it is really difficult to screw things up. So be yourself and don't worry - your time will come.<p>Just remember to be open to new people and new experiences.<p>PS when you are shy it helps a lot when you think about everything you do in terms of "what would be the worst outcome of this if I screw up?" It is often the case that the worst outcome is exactly the same that if you don't do anything. So expected value is higher than 0 :). For me it helped a lot.
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jkkramer大约 16 年前
All you really need to get laid is a willingness to eat humble pie while you climb the social learning curve.<p>It's simple: smile, make eye contact, show interest, ask questions. You will probably feel like an idiot. Repeat until confidence outweighs fear. If you're smart, use your brain for wit, not for showing off.
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mattlanger大约 16 年前
For whatever reason this really struck a nerve for me.<p>It's erected on a false dichotomy: "given a choice between happy-go-lucky and picky-but-lonely, happy sounds like more fun."<p>I don't personally measure my completeness or incompleteness by my romantic status. My estimation of self-worth comes instead from my research, my projects, and my work. It's an arbitrary preference, much as it's arbitrary for some people to feel completed by a union with someone else.<p>I'm smart, I'm driven, and I'm incredibly picky when it comes to the people I socialize with. Life is short, and just like everyone else does I make personal value judgments as to how best spend what little time I have. And in the end I'm quite happy--and still single.<p>Go figure.
vaksel大约 16 年前
simply earn a ton of money, and your prospects to get laid will suddenly increase
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bryarcanium大约 16 年前
"Unless you actually convey femininity as a woman or masculinity as a man, you're not going to attract a suitable companion of the opposite sex."<p>How... heteronormative... of him. I'll pick my own brand of suitable, thankyouverymuch.
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dejb大约 16 年前
This is a such well written sales copy. I followed it through to the 'book' and eventually came across one of those scamy looking very long sales pages. Check it out<p><a href="http://www.thetaoofdating.com/page3.php" rel="nofollow">http://www.thetaoofdating.com/page3.php</a><p>I'm not saying this means the article or product isn't valid or interesting but it does look like they have successful gamed HN.
noodle大约 16 年前
being smart will get you laid, for sure.<p>being raised in a family/culture that quashes social interaction and activities is the thing that will salt your game.<p>edit: pulled it back to original version
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strlen大约 16 年前
As I mentioned in a different comment, I think the issue boils down to having unrealistic expectations -- and these unrealistic expectations preventing smart individuals from getting any sort of experience in dating (which builds confidence) or finding out what they really want (e.g. Are you unable to date someone who doesn't share your political views? Who isn't a fellow nerd? who doesn't have a specific body type? You'll never whether any of these "must haves" is really something you're looking for until you try).<p>In addition, getting into physical shape wouldn't hurt: initial attraction (what gets you the first date) is still mostly physical and being in good shape makes one confident (which gets you past the first three dates). Being in shape will also give you far more energy for 80 work weeks and all night hackathons (in no way, will being physically fit magically make you into a "jock").
cturner大约 16 年前
Happy coincidence - work is sending me to Duesseldorf on Monday!
Ras_大约 16 年前
Consider joining Carrotmob or some other "semi-hippie" environmental group. Your odds might improve - or at least you're helping to save the world with your talent.
MaysonL大约 16 年前
Being smart <i>can</i> get you laid - you just have to find women who find smart guys attractive (such as the lady who was my boss at my first programming job). Such women do exist, though they're not all that common.
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sown大约 16 年前
Being smart got me a well paying job.<p>For about 3 hours of work I can make it happen + tips.<p>But seriously, I'm not willing to "get some" because it requires me to do things I don't want or willing to. It's sort of like PG's essay on popularity.
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trapper大约 16 年前
It's funny. Most of the people I know didn't take advice a) loosen up, they took b) move, and went to europe following a smart female they met during postgrad.
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gits_tokyo大约 16 年前
if one would realize it's all a hologram, that there's nothing to lose or gain except the amount of value one actually perceives.<p>is it necessary for survival?<p>i think the problem areas lay in the fact that everyone is buying into the greatest hood wink of life and turning it into something greater than it really should be.
Vivtek大约 16 年前
This is probably unreasonable, but three mentions of amoeba in terms of sexual reproduction really rankle.
frossie大约 16 年前
What a load of patronising, stereotyping... argh, I won't say it here. For starters, I see no evidence that this is a problem (anecdotes, anecdotes).<p>Anybody can get laid. Finding someone who wants to put up with you the rest of the time is the true accomplishment.
mojuba大约 16 年前
<i>By virtue (or vice) of being smart, you eliminate most of the planet's inhabitants as a dating prospect.</i><p>Dear Nature, I would like to eliminate most of the planet's inhabitants as a dating prospect by virtue or vice of me being smart. Thank you.
zvikara大约 16 年前
&#62; Smart people spent more time on achievements than on relationships when growing up.<p>More details about it from pg : <a href="http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html</a>
dkarl大约 16 年前
I thought I was smart. I thought I was right. I thought it better not to fight. I thought there was a virtue, in always being cool. So it came time to fight, I thought "I'll just step aside," and that the time will prove you wrong. And that you would be a fool.<p>To fight is to defend. If it's not now then tell me when would be the time that you would stand up and be a man. For to lose I could accept, but to surrender I just wept, and regretted this moment that I was the fool.<p>'Cause I'm a man, not a boy, and there are things you can't avoid. You have to face them when you're not prepared to face them. If I could, I would, but you're with him, now it'd do no good. I should've fought him. But instead I let him... I let him take it.
edgeztv大约 16 年前
Bull. There are plenty of smart ppl successful in this area just as there are plenty of average guys unsuccessful at it.
ivankirigin大约 16 年前
I met Abby in an honors algorithms class.
Goladus大约 16 年前
I don't think smart men have more problems getting laid, I think they just tend to whine louder about it.
seshagiric大约 16 年前
It won't get you laid-off either!
c00p3r大约 16 年前
That is just an advertisement of very well positioned niche book - no one thinks he or she is dumb.<p><i>Here's the thing: your romantic success has nothing to do with your mental jewelry and everything to do with how you make the other person feel.</i> - this thing was painted on every wall from the beginning of the time.<p>The problem is much more difficult and this approach is suitable perhaps only for the Cosmopolitan magazine. The Freud's lectures of psyhoanalysis can be useful as an bird-eye overview of the problem.<p>The main idea is about altering a personal history to get rid of a fixations, regressions, and other things which were accumulated from the past and especially childhood, developing new habits, changing yourself.<p>And there is a top-secret-great-magic-word: practice.<p>If one in in his/her thirties and still looking at this kind of books or texts that simply indicates the very serious problem which requires an intensive therapy. Time waits for no one
erlanger大约 16 年前
Being smart, pragmatic, and unscrupulous will get you laid quite a bit. I can't, and don't want to, figure out the last part.
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ftse大约 16 年前
OK, I've not read the article or any of the comments. My theory is, well, it all comes down to Game Theory. All things being equal, if you are nice, an arsehole or rich, if a guy/gal suspects you are _significantly_ smarter than they are, they will (un-)consciously believe you will soon find a 'better' partner and move on. So they don't invest in you =&#62; you don't get laid.
hypermatt大约 16 年前
Its all about emotions