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The worst year of my life

239 点作者 Fletch137大约 11 年前

28 条评论

amalcon大约 11 年前
No one should have to endure this sort of thing, which is somewhat worse than what I experienced myself (pervasive internet use is a significant amplifier).<p>Kids are a lot stronger than we give them credit for -- much stronger than adults, I think. Primary and secondary schools are an extremely harsh environment, because they have many of the same problems as prisons to a lesser degree. We forcibly put large groups of socially underdeveloped people together, and barely monitor the situation. Kids can&#x27;t even really escape the systemic problems at home anymore, due to the internet.<p>Somehow, the vast majority of our children manage to come out of them more or less intact. This is nothing less than miraculous, one of the great unsung triumphs of human spirit.<p>I keep coming back to how nobody should have to endure this. This triumph is over an adversity of our own making. We can and should take this more seriously than any other threat to children, even though they somehow endure it, because it is more pervasive.
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kjackson2012大约 11 年前
As a former bully, my advice to anyone being bullied is to fight back.<p>I wasn&#x27;t someone who would physically attack people, but I would relentlessly verbally abuse them. I&#x27;m not sure about the legal consequences these days but I know that if the person I picked on punched me in the face, I&#x27;d probably back down. This is what I have told my kids if they ever find themselves bullied. I&#x27;m not sure about the circumstances of the OP but I do think if you allow the bullying to fester, then kids who normally wouldn&#x27;t bully start looking at you as a target and join in. The key is to not make yourself a target and if they know every time they bully you, that you will fight back tooth and nail, eventually they will choose someone else. It&#x27;s sad and unfair, but true. It&#x27;s like Lord of the Flies.<p>The one thing that makes me glad that I&#x27;m not younger is the fact that I didn&#x27;t have the internet when I was a kid. I know for a fact I would have engaged in cyberbullying so I&#x27;m glad I never had access to a tool like this when I was at my worst.
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ishansharma大约 11 年前
In 2004? This kind of bullying is inhuman.<p>I&#x27;ve experienced a bit of bullying (not cyber) and it really affects you a lot.<p>I was bullied for 2-3 years and it fundamentally changed me. Before that, I was a friendly, trusting person who wasn&#x27;t afraid to lead. Now, I&#x27;m more on reserved and untrusting side.<p>I also found my sanctuary on the internet and it helped me recover a lot.<p>Anna, you&#x27;re brave and strong. Had I been subjected to this level of bullying, I&#x27;d have broken down completely.
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notlisted大约 11 年前
Not adding to a sensible discussion perhaps, but I&#x27;m convinced that bullying is the result of inaction by parents and teachers&#x2F;schools. Merely standing by and letting it happen is the worst thing you can do to your children.<p>As a dad with young kids, I can assure you that if this were to happen to them, I&#x27;d wage all-out cyberwar, on the kids <i>and</i> any parents that didn&#x27;t properly curtail their child&#x27;s behavior after official notifications. From doxing and redialing faxes to bully-vision youtube channels naming and shaming their family. It isn&#x27;t slander if it&#x27;s true…<p>I&#x27;ve made it 100% clear to my kids that I&#x27;ve got their backs. It&#x27;s my duty as a dad.<p>Edit: Yes, this story obviously struck a nerve for me. I was bullied as a 12yo kid for a few months. I was a good kid, and did well in school, which made me the outlier.<p>I remember how terrified I was when the bell rang at the end of the school day, knowing that the pests would be waiting for me on the way home.<p>I also vividly remember the day my dad took me aside and simply said: &quot;Go ahead. You have my permission to make them feel sorry. I have your back. Just don&#x27;t do it on school property.&quot;<p>The day I took action was a truly glorious and empowering day. Hearing my dad tell their parents afterwards they had it coming, supported by some photographic proof of damage caused in the past, was even better. Upside: nobody ever bothered me again.<p>This happened a long time ago, and not in the litigious USA where money and lawsuits get off every bullying &#x27;precious snowflake&#x27;, yet I&#x27;m certain I&#x27;d take that risk today, if official channels failed to ensure the (mental) well-being of my children.
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agentultra大约 11 年前
I was bullied like this when I was in high school. My car was vandalized on several occasions, almost everyone would throw food at me if I entered the cafeteria, and I was hospitalized once after losing one of many fights. A friend of mine wasn&#x27;t so lucky and ended up in a coma for six months. That kind of abuse never leaves you.<p>Every time I read a story like this it all comes flooding back.<p>Sadly even &gt; 12 years on and I still don&#x27;t have any good answers.
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onli大约 11 年前
There is only one thing possible you can do that help in a situation like this. It is to fight back. Throw punches (literally), let them be suspended, arrested, do everything you can do to punish everyone who tries to mess with you that way. You will gain respect, because you have to, even if you sometimes lose a fight - legal or physically.<p>And I know how horribly hard that is while you are under constant attack. And how it feels how it will make only matters worse. One thinks &quot;maybe it will stop if one just tries to fit in a bit more, or be a bit invisible&quot; But it never does.<p>People behaving like this follow animalic instinct, not reason, so the only language they understand is on the same level. This doesn&#x27;t necessarily mean you have to fight yourself - but hard responses are necessary, and a 2m police man talking angry to a teen is a hard response.<p>Edit: Tried to make it a bit clearer that it is not only about fighting physically.
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C1D大约 11 年前
This reminds me of what happened to my self last year. I had a YouTube channel with Gaming Videos, they went to my channel created a fake Google+ account using my name and started posting offensive content on it.<p>They then went to videos with homosexual acts and posted comments with my name saying things like &quot;I endorse this&quot;, etc..<p>On the Google+ page they posted Male Pornography all under my name.<p>I went to the Police here in Dubai and after a few weeks of no response I found out that they lost my file and that I would have to do another report to get anything done about it.<p>I eventually took it into my own hands, contacted Google+ send pictures of my passport and they shutdown the account and removed all Google query&#x27;s of the page.
Apreche大约 11 年前
Cyber bullying isn&#x27;t any different from regular bullying. Just because technology is being used doesn&#x27;t change anything. As most nerds&#x2F;geeks I was bullied during my younger school days. Not quite as bad as in the story, bud badly enough. Technology was not used, but it was bullying all the same.<p>The real problem is simply that bullying, cyber or not, has no consequences. Back in the day I was punished more for fighting back than any bully ever was for harassing me. Until teachers and administrators are given the ability to actually punish bullies with real consequences, why would they stop?<p>By seriously punish I don&#x27;t mean violence. Obviously the right punishment in each situation will be different. But the first idea that comes to my mind is to simply remove all the bullies and disruptive students from school and put them in a separate school of their own. Perhaps a military-style academy?
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id大约 11 年前
Looks like she doesn&#x27;t want this to be posted here.<p><a href="https://twitter.com/anna_debenham/status/459673982149877760" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;twitter.com&#x2F;anna_debenham&#x2F;status&#x2F;459673982149877760</a>
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herokusaki大约 11 年前
That is a heartbreaking read. I had to deal with bullying at school but what is described here is at such a different scale I feel it would be wrong to compare my experience to the author&#x27;s. If, like me, you were surprised at first at the magnanimity she showed towards her bullies (not wanting them to get a criminal record) consider that even if you absolutely wanted them to be punished there would have been a psychological price to pressing charges and going to court, so it would by no means be an easy choice to make.
Sodaware大约 11 年前
I don&#x27;t think the term &quot;cyber bullying&quot; really conveys how serious it can be. I have no idea how anyone could endure this. It&#x27;s inhuman.
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rg81大约 11 年前
Heartbreaking story. As a father of an 8 month old girl this really tugs at me. Nobody should have to go through this.<p>On a positive note, Anna is a very talented designer. Hopefully the positive experiences doing meaningful work for appreciative clients will eclipse some of the pain in the past.
jokoon大约 11 年前
When facebook was on the rise I had a situation when several students came at me for no reason. So many people behave like animals, hatred and bad jokes are like a source of energy to them. I failed to have a degree due to these people.<p>That was a reason I stopped using facebook too. I think the web should be used to drive people who have the same interests towards each other, but that&#x27;s the opposite that happens: you end up confronting the people who know you and dislike you, and it&#x27;s impossible to avoid them because you either work with them or you are in the same class.<p>What boggles my mind is when I read on the internet people saying &quot;bullying is fine and it&#x27;s part of life&quot;. Sounds like it&#x27;s a game for them, and they don&#x27;t realize that people just don&#x27;t want to play with them.<p>If I could relive my teenage years, I would stab so many students. The scars bullying leaves on you are for ever.
shruubi大约 11 年前
I can sympathise with the author. I didn&#x27;t suffer to the degree that she did, but it was there none-the-less.<p>Sometimes bullies like this have no rhyme or reason other than they find some kind of self-worth in bullying. It&#x27;s a difficult situation to be in, especially as a teenager where you feel like your only options are to either stay silent and suffer, or tell someone and commit social suicide.
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mattboulos大约 11 年前
I run an online service that connects teens with experienced lawyers who advise them for free (it is a labour of love).<p>Obviously I am biased, but I think we need more services that can help kids deal with online realities. In our experience, kids who are being bullied have no idea how to get the help they need and burrow instead. We owe it to them to change that.<p>I am convinced that the tech community can play a big part in that, it certainly has for my organization.
aquadrop大约 11 年前
I don&#x27;t understand why parents of those bullies did nothing? It looks like they all were informed (suspension, police)? And that - &quot;I knew that if they got a criminal record, they might not be able to go to university. I didn&#x27;t want that burden.&quot; looks like a strange position. Why would you care about that happening to someone who was giving you death threats?
rjknight大约 11 年前
Stuff like this makes me proud that the internet and technology industry can give people a way of taking control of their lives back and finding a purpose and career when others are trying to deny it to them.
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notlisted大约 11 年前
Relevant - interesting article from a couple of days ago: <a href="http://www.care2.com/causes/ways-school-bullying-can-affect-your-life-even-decades-on.html?cid=tw_causes_bullyingimpact" rel="nofollow">http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.care2.com&#x2F;causes&#x2F;ways-school-bullying-can-affect-...</a><p>5 Ways School Bullying Impacts Your Life Even Decades On<p>&quot;Following participants into midlife (aged 50), the researchers then tested for evidence of the known effects of bullying at regular intervals throughout the subjects’ lives, and participants were tested for psychological distress as well as their general health, with tests at 23 and 45. At age 50, participants were also tested in terms of cognitive functioning, social relationships, as well as for general levels of well-being (these were assessed using standard scales).<p>What the researchers found was that, even after accounting for things like IQ and socioeconomic status at the beginning of the study, bullying appears to have a significant impact on people’s lives for decades after the bullying has finished.&quot;
TeamMCS大约 11 年前
That is really horrendous. Sent shivers down my spine just reading it :&#x2F;
lectrick大约 11 年前
FYI, she wants to block hackernews visitors (probably due to a hosting issue), so can someone throw up a mirror?
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gremlinsinc大约 11 年前
You know what would be awesome some sort of anti-bullying squad -- that dishes out some of their own medicine. -- Have maybe 10-15 people situated along the pathway of a bully&#x27;s walk home, and cameramen to ask him questions... like Did you know most bully&#x27;s bully because they hate themselves, what do you hate most about yourself, what makes you a bully? ... etc... -- get it all on tape, if they run--get their cowardice on tape.. youtube it for the whole world to see, enough instances of this happen, and it&#x27;ll cut back on bully&#x27;s I&#x27;d hope-- I wonder if To Catch a Predator had any statistics on if the program curtailed any predatoring...
nachopg大约 11 年前
Everything in this article is terrifying and, somehow, what scared me the most was how much Internet is actually the world for so many people born not that later than myself. It is incredible how fast this change happened. Also, I know my role as a professional is doing nothing but making that a bigger issue.<p>As a side note: bullying (cyber or not) is not the same in all countries. In my hometown, when I was growing up and we were not that penetrated by american culture yet, nothing like this would happen. The worst thing possible was a light fist fight.
rooster8大约 11 年前
&gt; The answers to my secret questions on my accounts are all fake, so not even a friend could know them.<p>Side note, this is good advice for anyone. Many sites use the same questions, and they&#x27;re often stored in plaintext in the database. One compromised database on an unimportant service may expose vulnerabilities to your most sensitive accounts.<p>I treat these like any other password field, using random text as the answer, and store the random answer along with the password in 1Password.
grey-area大约 11 年前
This story is a perfect candidate for that new comment filtering feature on HN. I&#x27;m not even sure a meaningful HN discussion is possible on this sort of topic anyway.
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bananas大约 11 年前
My sister went through the same things about the same time. She put a hockey stick in the face of the ring leader in the end, smashed her teeth and broke her jaw. She was arrested but the duty officers agreed to write it off as they&#x27;d already been contacted by my parents about the bullying it and they said the CPS wouldn&#x27;t touch it in this case.<p>So up turns a guy at my door one day (the girl&#x27;s father) ready to kick off at my sister and my parents. He was removed by our dogs.<p>Two years down the line from this, her father is in prison for robbery and the girl was in youth custody for assault.<p>Moral of the story: half the human race is shit not worthy of a breath of air. Fight fire with fire. No sympathy regardless of the background for any behaviour like this.<p>Also avoid living in shitty suburbs of Nottingham (this was Woodborough Road next to St Anne&#x27;s).
RighteousFervor大约 11 年前
To the author of this post and anyone else who may be the victim of cyber-abuse: my heart goes out to you, but you <i>must</i> fight back. Tooth and nail, fullest extent of the law, the whole she-bang.<p>It seems to me the victim in this account held back, thereby preventing justice and prolonging the abuse.
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izzydata大约 11 年前
I&#x27;m really confused as to what the author did to upset this group of people. I find it hard to believe that so many people who go so far out of their way for such an extended period of time for absolutely no reason other than to harass someone for laughs.<p>Edit: What&#x27;s with the downvotes? Are we not allowed to ask questions here anymore? Or is it inappropriate to not believe everything you hear at face value? It isn&#x27;t even that because the author doesn&#x27;t explain it at all.
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4ad大约 11 年前
War, famine, disease, losing your liver -- all this pales compared to cyber bullying!<p>I was bullied as a kid, it was awful, but I was being hit with fists, and when I didn&#x27;t have any money to steal, they&#x27;d hit me again. They also carried knives. I lived in a ghetto.<p>If this is the worse thing that happened to her in her life, she must have had a pretty good and happy life. I am certain that cyber bullying is real and can create a huge emotional torment, but what I read here is pretty lame. Colleagues post mean comments and it affects you emotionally? Seriously? Maybe it was much worse than the author can express, in which case she is just a bad writer, but her twitter reaction[1] made me think this is not the case, and it made me lose all sympathy for her.<p>If this stuff affects you, it&#x27;s bad parenting. If you live in Disneyland and are this isolated from real life, it&#x27;s only the fault of your parents who didn&#x27;t teach you anything about the real life, where people are hateful, mean, and generally want to fuck you up in some way.<p>Because I am extremely arrogant and because I am always right, people hate me a lot, especially people on the Internet. This doesn&#x27;t affect me negatively, this amuses me. Seven years back (wow, already 7 years!) some guy hated me so much, that he hired thugs to beat me up. Real thugs. With sticks. Sticks that hit me in the eye. I couldn&#x27;t see for two weeks with my left eye. I still have floaters and flashes in my both eyes.<p>Did this depress me? No! I am now stronger, I learned a thing or two about self-defense and I got my revenge, except without violence.<p>[1] <a href="https://twitter.com/anna_debenham/status/459673982149877760" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;twitter.com&#x2F;anna_debenham&#x2F;status&#x2F;459673982149877760</a><p>&#x2F;edit: this was downvoted less than two seconds since when I posted it. Two seconds! HN readers muts read pretty fast, since I assume everyone here actually reads before downvoting. Surely that&#x27;s true! As I said, amusing.
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