Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

34 点作者 suanmeiguo超过 10 年前

I got a lot of complains from my gf about me working too much and not having enough time with her. This leads to a common work/life balance question for all the people who want to be success.So how do you handle this balance? and what would you do when your gf/bf/wife/husband complains about it?

25 条评论

brianbarker超过 10 年前

First, I wouldn't get relationship advice from HN, or any pool of nerds. There's a reason our relationships suffer or are few and far between: nerd personalities will spend more time coding at work, trying to build a side project, watch TV or play games than being a healthy, balanced human being.I work 40 hours a week. If I have work shit poking into my life beyond that on a regular basis, it's time to talk to my manager.Don't lose your life to sitting on a computer coding. You can write software (or whatever you do) until you die, but you can't get back time lost, moments, relationships, friends and family.As hokey as it may sound, and as often as I had people around me warning me about this, it took me awhile to figure it out. Sadly, it will take many nerds a long time to figure out and I'm convinced most never do.When I die, I don't want my only memories to be coding on my laptop at home. There's so much more to try out and discover. Art, music, people, cooking, travel, whatever. IDK. Find some stuff and do more of it.

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ak39超过 10 年前

SCHEDULE.1. Schedule most times spent with spouse. For everything. I really mean everything. Dinner date? Schedule it in advance. Going house-hunting? Schedule the visits. Movies? Schedule the evening way in advance. Visiting folks? Agree on a set date.2. Stick to the schedules like a mofo. Integrity integrity integrity. Promises broken because schedules could not be kept are more likely the reason for an unhappy spouse (or kids!) rather than the amount of time spent with them. No one likes getting their hopes up only to be let down last minute.3. Never accept an impromptu activity with spouse without agreeing to set off existing agreed upon schedules. This reinforces your commitment to the discipline of schedules. They know you are serious about your time and doing so shows that you acknowledge and respect theirs.4. Try to keep one day of the week as a wild card where you don't work and simply say yes to anything they (spouse/kids) ask. Schedule this day secretly without telling them. This is the day you can "disrupt" them by saying "Let's go for ice cream" while they are busy. See what happens.5. When complaints are raised against you for not spending enough time with them, open your schedules - demonstrate the obvious.6. Never work on a Sunday. This should be your wild card day.

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issa超过 10 年前

Part of a successful relationship is having compatible goals in life. There is no correct answer to how much work is too much. Some people want to never work and spend all day on the beach. Others think the beach is boring and would much rather be creating something. Most people are the middle.If your girlfriend thinks you work too much, you probably either need to work less or get a new girlfriend.One thing that is definitely not "quality time" is fighting over how much you are working. Everyone loses.Good luck!

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personlurking超过 10 年前

I think it's about setting aside quality time with your SO, so that she feels heard and paid attention to. Quality time isn't watching a tv show together in silence, nor going out with the same group of friends, rather it's more about no distractions, just you and her. But if your work schedule takes up so much of your time that you rarely see her, then that's a problem (and would be for just about anyone). LTRs are like a plant, gotta water it.

codezero超过 10 年前

I went from academia to a startup after being married. My wife was worried this would mean I work way too much. We came up with a specific plan. Three days a week I would be home at no later than 6. I could go in as early as I wanted. The other days I could stay as late as I wanted. Weekends were for us to spend time together. If there was a one off or some important thing, she wasn't worried since we had a clear agreement in place. Later the three days a week was made two days and this was also Ok.Separately, just listen. If your SO wants to spend more time, make time. If you can't or won't then ask what is important to you and make a decision.Another thing that helps is to plan specific things to do. Go on a hike, go to the beach, these kinds of memorable moments are more significant than going to a restaurant or hanging out on the couch.This may not apply if you are in a relationship with dependency or trust issues. If you are go see a counselor and work that out first.

rmcastil超过 10 年前

> what would you do when your gf/bf/wife/husband complains about it?When my wife complains about it, I just listen. She's also a working professional who works a ton more than I do so it's usually a red flag if she brings it up. A lot of times it's not about coming up with a resolution but just trying to understand what she is frustrated with.> So how do you handle this balance?When I first started working remote about 10 years ago I didn't think it was an issue. It was supposed to be the dream setup.But then I eventually had kids and started my own company and saw the lines between work/life blur. At first I told myself this was natural since it was one of the side affects of being remote but I quickly became dissatisfied with that answer. This was especially the case when I felt like I had to start choosing between time with my family and time for work.I eventually came to realize that life stuff (i.e. family, relationships, etc.) aren't a time suck from work but a healthy constraint.For me, success does not come from pouring every ounce of energy I have into work but from embracing the constraints of my life. I use these constraints to focus on the most important things I have to do for work so that I can get back to my family as soon as possible.For more of a practical standpoint the following are the things I do to manage the balance (especially since my home is where I work).- Have doors on the office.- Family time, is strictly family time. No emails on the phone, github issues, harvest invoice, etc. I'm not perfect at this but I try to go with the distraction free iPhone methodology [<a href="https://medium.com/life-hacks/my-year-with-a-distraction-free-iphone-and-how-to-start-your-own-experiment-6ff74a0e7a50" rel="nofollow">https://medium.com/life-hacks/my-year-with-a-distraction-fre...</a>]- Have strict business hours.- Don't blur the line between work and personal health. Which means eating appropriately and getting the appropriate amount of sleep.

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robg超过 10 年前

I've been with my now wife for 17 years. Most important rule:Make dedicated time for her every day for a minutes, every week for a few hours, every month for a few days, every year for a few weeks.That basically means dedicated listening for one short conversation a day, one dedicated dinner each week, one dedicated weekend together each month, and one dedicated vacation together each year.Any by dedicated, I mean no phones or computers or texts. Give her your time. It need not be huge amounts. But show she is important.Of course you will fall short. But the goal is to try. She will see that.

gmays超过 10 年前

This is a difficult question because you're the only one who can answer it. Do you really work too much or is your girlfriend just needy and need to get a hobby? Maybe you're in your early 20's and working a lot right now is more critical to your future than a relationship with a girl who's not the love of your life. Maybe you're in your 30's, work 100hrs/wk, you've been dating this girl for 5 years, love her, and she's your last real chance at a relationship for you. How many more at bats do you have (some function of age and how easy it is for you to get women)?Only you know the answer to this, so what do you think? Ask yourself, 1) if you worked less and made her happy or 2) your continued working at this pace and let her leave, what would you regret more in 5 years? Maybe you won't know how you really feel about her until you leave her. That's what happened with my wife and I.I understand the draw of work. To this day I still work too much because I absolutely love what I do and the feeling it gives me. But I've been married 6 years and I love my wife more. If my work got in the way of our relationship, I would change things. But this is only because I know she's worth it.So look over the advice here, but you're the only one that can really answer that question. The answer isn't at the end of some math equation, it's in your gut. Honestly, IMHO if you have to ask us just let her go and get back to work.

thom超过 10 年前

If you're asking for relationship advice on HN, I strongly suspect your mind is already made up and you're just looking for useful rationalisations.

koonsolo超过 10 年前

Imagine yourself having reached the 'success' you are currently pursuing. Imagine how much you will have to sacrifice in order to reach it. It certainly gives a thrill reaching the goals you set in you life. But there is one big question you have to ask yourself: what will you do after you have reached your success? Do you think you will be different? Do you think you will be happier? I can give you the answer: after reaching your goals, you will still be the same person as before, and you will still be as (un)happy as before. But you will have 1 extra question on your mind: why am I not happier now that I have reached my goals?I hope you play games, because my answer is this: life is like a video game, it gives a thrill when winning it, but the real joy comes from playing it.Enjoy your time at work, and enjoy the time you spend with your girlfriend. Your personal success is not measured by reaching some goal, but it's measured by how much fun you're having in your life (and yes, work should be fun, but spending time with your girlfriend should also be).Sorry that I didn't gave a practical answer, but I hope it helps.

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tkt超过 10 年前

If you're driven to be successful either for financial reasons or because there's something you're passionate about and your partner isn't supportive of that vision or goal, then there will always be a tension when you're pursuing something they don't think is valuable. Is your definition of success the same as their's?

tootie超过 10 年前

I leave the office before 6 almost every day to pick up one or the other kid. Wide does the same. Always have dinner together. Never work weekends unless it's a serious emergency. You'd be amazed how easy it is to just get up and go and finish what you're doing tomorrow. Hasn't slowed my career much at all.

AndrewDucker超过 10 年前

Look at your priorities. What level of work makes you happy. What level makes them happy. Which is more important - your success, or your relationship.Work out what the effects of your choices will be, and then consciously make a decision that will work best for you in the long run.

DustinCalim超过 10 年前

This is about Priorities–I suggest you spend a few minutes and do a deep session of introspection and meditate on what your true priorities are.It's not nearly as easy as it sounds...Here are some questions to get you rolling: Why are you working so much? For you? For someone else? For the money? If so, why? What will you do with that money? Is it for you? A family? Do you find yourself enjoying your girlfriend more than your work? What do you get out of your relationship? Why are you with this person? Why are you working on your specific project?The idea is to discover what you truly value and align your priorities with that– Good luck!

HeyLaughingBoy超过 10 年前

It may be a common problem but each solution is going to be different. Before you have a solution, you need to understand the problem. Listen to her. Why does she think you work too much? What would she prefer you do (spend time with her is too generic: she most likely has specific issues in mind. ASK).I can't stress this enough: listen to her. Listen to what she's saying, not just what you expect her to say or what you think she's saying. Actually clear your mind and listen. Then the two of you can start to figure out what to do about it.

texthompson超过 10 年前

Some ideas: * Listen to them, have a conversation about optimal work life balance. * Think about your habits, ask if you're working too much, too little, or just the right amount. * Ask yourself every hour that you work if you think that hour had been productive, or if you have been unproductively "working" due to exhaustion. * Consider having all of these conversations after a vacation or some other form of time off, because it's easy to be myopic when you're in the middle of working.

shearnie超过 10 年前

Run a time tracker and log every task you are doing. Cracking the 40 hour mark means you are not prioritizing your time properly or you are meant to be single for a while.Time tracking is also perfect for accountability in your performance, and also how reasonable your employer is. If you're on a salary for a 40 hour week but end up in the 50 hour territory you are sacrificing precious family time that you'll never get back, for your boss. For free.

wooyi超过 10 年前

Do what you love. Balance is not quite possible. I work a lot. I probably spend an hour or so a day with my kids. But I love my work. They will understand. As for dealing with SO, if they are not on board or understand your passion then you got bigger problems than time management. You are on a mission. Your SO should understand that. It is who you are.

soupajoe超过 10 年前

Listening to them deeply and finding out their core frustrations is key, just like how you would interact with a user to discover their pain points. In my experience, when my partner claims I work too much it isn't always because I literally work too much.Of course, sometimes my work/life balance needs to be readjusted and brought back to an acceptable equilibrium. However, the frustration often comes from not conveying my love for her in a way she recognizes and receives it.The book The Five Love Languages[1], by Gary Chapman, opened my eyes to this. I'd recommend it to everyone. The premise of the book is that we all have unique preferences for what we find satisfying when it comes to love. Your love language is the way that you feel most loved. People usually love their partner how they want to be loved, and that doesn't tend to align with how their partner wants to be loved. You need to convey your love in a way that matches your partner's love language [2].In my situation, I've thought deeply and talked with my partner about this concept and determined our Love Languages. I now fill the time I spend with her to the brim with activities and behaviors that convey my love for her effectively. I've found that no matter how much time I end up spending with my her, the actual amount of time becomes a non-issue when she feels loved in a way that really resonates with her.It might help to think about it in terms of the 80-20 rule[3], doing the 20% of effort necessary (conveying your love in a way that actually gets received) to get 80% of the return (a satisfied and loved partner). That may sound a bit cold when applied to relationships- to try to minimize the effort required to convey your love, but it's actually the nicest thing you can do for them.[1] <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080...</a>[2] High level overview of the five love languages:- Words of Affirmation - If this is your love language, you feel most cared for when your partner is open and expressive in telling you how wonderful they think you are, how much they appreciate you, that their world is a better place because you are in it, etc.- Acts of Service - If your partner offering to watch the kids so you can go to the gym (or relieving you of some other task) gets your heart going, then this is your love language.- Affection - This love language is just as it sounds. A warm hug, a kiss, touch, and sexual intimacy make you feel most loved when this is your love language.- Quality Time - This love language is about being together, fully present and engaged in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial.- Gifts - Your partner taking the time to give you a gift can make you feel appreciated.[3] <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_principle" rel="nofollow">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_principle</a>

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jordsmi超过 10 年前

I think the best thing is to be with someone who understands your work life, and either doesn't mind it or has something similar on their own.There is nothing worse than having a SO who is the type of person who barely works and then wants to party and do things nonstop, while all you want to do is work on that project you have yet to finish.

mrkurt超过 10 年前

This is rarely about time, and more about relative importance. Work can be an obsession, which is easy to confuse with "more important than me."I doubt your girlfriend is asking for work/life balance, exactly. She's probably just saying she wants to feel as important as work seems. That's a thing you can work on.

sylvinus超过 10 年前

You should have in mind that the time you spend on your startup is not linearly correlated to its success.

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nc超过 10 年前

Is every extra hour you're spending working really worth it? I'd figure out how to minimise the time required to accomplish tasks, defer them, delegate them and then also scrutinise the actual tasks themselves.Once you're done with that do you still not have enough free time?

damon_c超过 10 年前

My GF rarely complains that I work too much because sometimes she works too much. That helps a lot!

rayiner超过 10 年前

I married a woman who works in my field and understands my hours because she works them too.

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