Ask HN: What can I do to turn things around and make my 30's “good”?

102 点作者 tonym9428将近 10 年前

I turn thirty in a couple months. At this stage in my life, when looking back on my 20s, it's been very disappointing. Sure, there are plenty of good things, but my career hasn't panned out as hoped, was convicted of a felony sex offense, have had to move pack in with parents, and so forth. What can I do at this stage in my life to improve things and make my thirties a fruitful decade where I'm employed, doing interesting things, and feeling useful.Good things in my life, to date:- Finished my bachelors and masters degree from a good university.- Was employed as a statistician in the online marketing industry for four years.Bad things in my life, to date:- Committed a felony sex offense while I was an undergraduate at university (ended up serving three years of probation).- Lost my job several months ago and can't find new work as a result of not being able to pass background checks.- Moved back in with my parents.- Never had a girlfriend.- Degenerative neurological disorder that's slowly taking over my life (a big reason for I have been lonely and likely contributed to my improprieties).So here I am. I want to turn things around, have a good career as a statistician, and make a descent salary. What can I do to turn things around and improve my life so that when I'm 40, I'm not looking back on my 30's and thinking that it's been disappointing.To be honest, I'm more interested in having a good job/salary than anything else. If I never have a girlfriend, that's fine, I'm "broken goods" so I understand why I'm less appealing to women.Good things in my life, to date:

37 条评论

themgt将近 10 年前

(re: another comment) I knew a couple people in the french foreign legion, and I wouldn't recommend joining them unless you want to become even more fucked up.What I would recommend instead, is save up a bit of money and move to another country (South America, Southeast Asia, even Eastern/Western Europe if you can swing it). There you will not fail background checks, and in many countries you can easily get a job teaching English (with or without a small amount of training) which will be more than enough to pay your bills. Your quality of life will be far higher than living with your parents.Start a consultancy doing the skilled work you want while you pay your rent by teaching English. Work on your social skills, and probably the deep underlying reasons those skills are lacking (by the way, this will help building the consultant work over time). Take some psychedelics, get outside your comfort zone with people and activities, enmesh yourself in a new culture, learn a new language. This will all take time, and I'd encourage you to keep moving between cities or countries a bit until you find a situation that feels right and you don't want to leave.You don't like who you are now, so become the new person you want to be. It will be a lot easier to do that in another country. Even if the felony would prevent you from getting a permanent visa immediately, you'll be able to indefinitely do visa runs in the vast majority of developing countries with little hassle.

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mattmurdog将近 10 年前

I would look into trying to get your criminal past expunged. Talk to some lawyers, figure it out. My ex-roommate was able to get his wiped, although it wasn't a felony sex offense case.Work hard to get a new job, even if it's a crappy one. This will be the key to help you turn your life around. I know it did for me. I struggled during my early late 20s too, and when I turned 30 it felt overwhelming... like what have I been doing with my life? But when I put my head down and started to work hard.Career became my main focus in my 30s and while I am much older now, I can say without doubt, everything got better. I was able to not worry about money, date more, make more friends, indulge in personal interests, etc.Use this time living at home to save, take any job related to your interest. Keep looking for better opportunities. Save more money. Get that job. Get that girl. Get your life turned around mentally and emotionally. Don't dwell on the past. Good luck!

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joshmn将近 10 年前

Dropping in here, because I can't pass a background check either (felony theft - did some stuff to a bank):I've learned that just being like "yo I can't pass a background check in case you were wondering" only opens up arms and minds. Though, to a felony sex offense... well, it couldn't have been that bad since you did 3 years probation. I got 5.Reach out to some bigger recruiting agencies, and make sure to prepare yourself for an explanation. From what I've experienced, they'll do the background check, and then ship you off to companies where you won't have to pass theirs.A question I have for you is this: How has finding a place to live gone for you?Edit: just remembered that I'm off probation in late August. Yay.

hugozap将近 10 年前

The best thing you can do for yourself is to go to therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy can make a big difference in your life. Find someone in your area and commit yourself to improve with the guidance of someone who can help you.A lot of the issues you have could be the result of a distorted life perspective. Superficial advice like "lift weights" are not helpful. You need to change your thinking patterns to have results that last.

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baobaba将近 10 年前

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." As cheesy as this sounds, it is deeply true. You can choose every day the kind of person you want to be from now on.I think the psychological baggage of living with your parents, not having a girlfriend and having a degenerative neurological disorder is far greater than the criminal record. There are ways to reduce the implications of the sex offense on your life, as others suggested. But the other things are what will hold you back.Consider adopting a meditation practice and practice being nice to yourself. Calling yourself "broken goods" isn't helping matters. The way you think of yourself is the way you carry yourself and how other people see you. Seek examples of happy, accomplished people with missing limbs or serious illnesses.I found that with a decent salary, meaningful remote job, traveling across some of the most beautiful places in the world and eating amazing food, I came to realize I deeply miss my friends, lack having a local community, and a purpose and meaning in what I was doing.My best advice if for you to seek ways to bring value to other people's lives through what you do. It doesn't have to be selfless, it can be as simple as writing a blog and sharing your journey. It may take a little while to figure out what brings you happiness, but whatever you do, even if you get a freelance/remote job, don't stay inside and work for days without meeting people. Coworking spaces and cafes are a much better alternative in your situation.

thaumaturgy将近 10 年前

I remember turning 30. It was a sobering number for me too.The felony: in some cases an attorney can get these reduced to a misdemeanor if you stay out of trouble several years after your probation is over. You might look into this.The career: there probably aren't any shortcuts. Like a lot of other things, it's a numbers game. Keep sending out resumes and applications, the more the better. Try not to get discouraged (or, at least, don't let that stop you from putting out another resume and application). Do some work in the field. Do anything you can to get your foot in the door somewhere, to keep moving towards your goal. Internship maybe? Somewhere out there is someone who will give you an opportunity. You have to find them.Keep working on and improving yourself. Get out and socialize if possible. (Meetup is good for this in a lot of areas.) Don't wallow too much in self-pity; learn to be happy with yourself and others will be happy with you too.Your 20s is disappointing because you screwed up in a way that's going to affect you for a long time. So don't screw up; make your 30s about working towards your goals and recovering from your past decisions. Be stable and reliable and responsible -- become an adult.

coldwaraaron将近 10 年前

I was in a very similar situation. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life when I was 18, was angry about a relationship that ended (I had no skills for dealing with it at the time), so I got into drinking and drugs and made a lot of bad choices (which eventually landed me 10 years of probation).I ended up working a string of minimum wage jobs before finally finding a factory job that was hard, but paid a little more ($13/hour). Since I really wanted to be a professional drummer and tour with a band, I figured that I needed to learn a skill that I could do on the road. I decided to start studying web development and graphic design. I worked a bunch of overtime, bought a used macbook, and started spending all my nights and weekends studying (I have a friend who calls this the Overlap Technique; google it). After a couple years, I had learned enough to get an (unpaid) internship at a small web design agency. That eventually gave me the confidence to start taking on freelance clients when the opportunities came.The hardest part was learning to like myself again. By the time I was 20, I was overweight at 260 pounds (I'm 5'll). I started making small changes to my diet (stopped drinking soda, started eating healthier foods), and I started walking, exercising, riding my bike around town, etc. I lost 80 pounds over the course of three years, and I felt and looked really good.I was also fortunate enough to find a group of cognitive therapists who were really smart and really kind who helped me understand the thought patterns that were making me fuck up my own life.I had two major breakthroughs; the first was after taking shrooms (not a recommendation, mind you) I realized that I could make my life be whatever I wanted it to be. I had control over my decisions, and they would shape my life.The second was that I had to stop giving a fuck about what the people who didn't know me had to say about the poor choices I made in the past. I understand why I made those shitty choices, and I won't be making them again. If someone wants to be a dick or refuse to work with me because of a bad choice I made in the past, they aren't someone I want in my life anyways.I turn 30 in two months. I have a solid source of income from multiple clients who I have good relationships with (they've never asked for a background check), a nice girlfriend, and plenty of friends who know about my past and still respect me for the person I am today. They can't even comprehend the level of shithead I was back then because today I am nothing but kind, respectful, encouraging and helpful to everyone I meet.I hope this helps.

lionhearted将近 10 年前

1. There's lots of good advice here. Don't try to do all of it simultaneously; pick one or two things and really commit to them, and then review how well you're doing in those areas once a week. You'll have weeks of no progress, everyone does, but if you keep focusing on 1-2 areas until you're happy with that result, almost anything can get improved over 3-6 months. Sometimes shorter, but ready yourself for more and pace yourself accordingly.2. Start trying to meet more people and make more connections Friends, acquaintances, professional colleagues. Go to where people doing the type of statistics/marketing you're doing hang out, and get to know them. In-person is better than online, but if you're not near a major metropolitan area, online would be okay too.You could, for instance, find some discussion forum devoted to marketing/statistics, and learn, post there, follow up, etc.It doesn't have to be purely professional related, but if there's overlap between the work you want to do and the type of people you're meeting, you'll have more job offers. There's a number of studies showing that the vast majority of hires made aren't from applying blindly by sending in resumes, but based on recommendations and personal relationships.So -- get to know more people. It'll probably also help with your self-esteem. I'd also recommend never calling yourself "broken goods" or similar again: the world's got enough antagonism in it without you getting on your own case.But yeah, your main goal is get employed? Start meeting people, getting to know them, and showing your competence in the areas you'd like to be employed.

c22将近 10 年前

A few years ago I was in a situation remarkably similar to yours and I found that getting a stable long term girlfriend was extremely helpful in keeping me on a good trajectory. Ironically, the only real way to achieve this is to already be on that trajectory. One strategy is to focus on getting really good at something you're interested in. Your mastery will attract both women and employment and the process is not unenjoyable. Another attractive trait (to both mates and employers) is healthiness, so eat healthy things, take vitamin D supplements if you're far away from the equator, and get at least some exercise every day (15 minutes is fine). Building these habits can have positive effects on your mental state as well.

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AznHisoka将近 10 年前

Go find a job at a very young startup. Few of them do background checks. Or start freelancing.

BorisMelnik将近 10 年前

100% either start consulting or move to a different country. I know a few guys who made mistakes when they were young and have been paying the price their entire lives.

bobsgame将近 10 年前

Go jogging and lift weights, you'll figure out the rest.

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RantyDave将近 10 年前

Don't worry about the girlfriend thing. That will fix itself if you fix all the other shit.Go and get another job as a statistician - by this I do not mean applying for them. Work out where you want to work (ish), find some excuse to get to know people there and just talk about coming to work for them. Is there an annual "stats in the advertising industry" conference? Go there, pay attention, talk to people about stats. Pretty quickly, if you know your shit, doors will start to open.I got a job offer off a usenet post once.When it does get to the point where you're physically in their building and talking about whether or not you could come to work for them, fess up. "You should know I've made some mistakes in my past and ... my legal record shows this ... I want you to know before you find out".Voila. Do the full Trainspotting thing - washing machine, big fucking TV etc. Then meet some women and just be nice. Problem solved, I guarantee it.

dcre将近 10 年前

I wish the therapy answers were getting voted up higher. The other answers are okay as far as they go, but a therapist is like a personal coach who can help you pick a path and stick to it. They can be an actual third person to go along with you "thinking about yourself in the third person" (to quote another answer).

workerdee将近 10 年前

You will be OK. ~hugs~You won't find peace with a job or a girlfriend or yourself if you are not ready. Even if you are trying things and they are not working - like exercise, therapy, volunteering, religion, hobby groups, etc. - keep trying. It will take time and you will have good and bad days, but you will find something that you connect with. You will find yourself in a good place before you know it. There are some great (free!) motivating resources online that may be helpful during dark times (health scares, medical bills, rejection, finance troubles, etc.).For example, this TED Talk by Aimee Mullins: <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/aimee_mullins_prosthetic_aesthetics?language=en" rel="nofollow">http://www.ted.com/talks/aimee_mullins_prosthetic_aesthetics...</a>

jean316将近 10 年前

I'm a programmer, at 29 as well, and I know it's going to sound cliché, but this comes from my heart:The single best suggestion I have for you is to surrender your life to Jesus. God did miraculous thing for me since I decided to let Jesus live in me. I was in search for meaning and found it in Him.And you don't have to believe me; please ask some people around you who believe. Maybe in your family. They'll probably tell you how God changed their life for the better.I know you said you're more interested in having a good job/salary and it's OK to seek that, but please also consider your after-death. Jesus said: "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?"God bless you. I'll pray for you my friend.

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jalayir将近 10 年前

Hmm, have you tried an online contracting job (<a href="https://www.elance.com/" rel="nofollow">https://www.elance.com/</a>)? Maybe get a passport and move to SE Asia, or Latin America, for a fresh environment?

alaskamiller将近 10 年前

Flipping the switch starts with yourself.When you stop seeing yourself as broken goods it'll shine through. Besides, no one knows you until they want to know you. When you project your brokenness that's how they will see you too.

skadamat将近 10 年前

You have a wonderful skillset! I would definitely learn more programming and more 'data science' & analytics (datasciencemasters.org) and then think deeply about finding companies whose missions you identify with. The 30's are the best time to think about how to combine your skillset with your ability to make a big impact in the world; it will also help to think about things in this sense because it helps shift some of the focus away from 'what can the world offer me' to 'what can I offer the world'!

nowprovision将近 10 年前

Many large companies in Asia will use First Advantage (previously LexusNexus I believe) to do background checks so ignore the previous commenter that Asia doesnt do background checks, the same incompetent company used heavily in US and EU. However I would be surprised if startups did background checks, and even if they did if you could put your cards on the table then I doubt it will hinder you, you seem to be upfront here (and with it only probation) so I guess it wasn't anything too evil.

clockwerx将近 10 年前

I enjoy cycling a bucketload. I get a sense of achievement regularly, my health improves, etc. Not a magic bullet but not a high barrier to entry: find a group ride and go.

jlangenauer将近 10 年前

Not that it's an easy solution, or even the right one for you right now, but I'll just note something:There's (generally) no background checks required for starting or running a business.You have listed the constraints that currently apply to your life. Think about what sort of life you can create within those constraints, or how you can get around them.

LarryMade2将近 10 年前

Well, you wont be doing interesting things unless you do them... So what if you suck to start off, as long as it doesn’t kill you, injure you or get you arrested, pay your penance and give it a shot for a while. If it doesn’t work, then try something else that is interesting. At some point you will be known for doing something interesting or have interesting stories of your attempts of trying something interesting.Part of the pursuit of an "interesting" lifestyle hopefully will get you into networking situations where you might find friends and maybe more romantic interests that share your pursuits.Stop waiting to start somewhere, and just start.

phyalow将近 10 年前

Read this book or grab the audible.<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Psycho-Cybernetics-New-More-Living-Life/dp/0671700758" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Psycho-Cybernetics-New-More-Living-Lif...</a>

vvpan将近 10 年前

Perhaps visit some sort of counselor every so often? HN might help you with career advise, but a therapist will help figure any problems you have with yourself and others. You don't have to be crazy to seek assistance.

derptacious将近 10 年前

Work on meditation and social relationships. It sounds like that felony was your biggest stumbling block, which means you'll appreciate growing past it more than anyone else. How can you grow past it? By developing that part of yourself. Work on health and your neurological disorder at the same time you work on these relationships and becoming and feeling normal again. Once you achieve that normality, going beyond it will be such a joy for you :)

rwallace将近 10 年前

What about contract jobs or consulting work? If you're not an employee, maybe you could skip the HR BS.

akulbe将近 10 年前

You should read this Quora reply. It's a good answer, and is relevant to the background you shared.<a href="http://qr.ae/7Upp1h" rel="nofollow">http://qr.ae/7Upp1h</a>

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matchagaucho将近 10 年前

Setup a www.fiverr.com account and offer to do some niche statistical work. Ignore the whole resume/interview/background check process. Become an independent small biz owner.

1337h4xatl将近 10 年前

tony, can you email me at wow.its.nothing@gmail.com?Let's talk. You're not broken goods, I don't care. you're viewing yourself as a victim. Let's flip that shit around.

jwatte将近 10 年前

Job/salary is only important for the things they enable. If you can move to Thailand, do remote consulting, and enjoy a Zen lifestyle, that might be worth a lot more.

halayli将近 10 年前

acquire knowledge. learn learn learn.workout, try to stay in shape as much as you can.

sova将近 10 年前

Greatest joy in life is being able to make others happy. Not saying it's easy, but try that venue of approach. Well worth the time you spend pondering it.

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oxide将近 10 年前

Just want to say that there is no such thing as damaged goods.

anti-shill将近 10 年前

look into high end sales

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fredkbloggs将近 10 年前

If your neurological condition does not disqualify you (a big if), consider joining the French Foreign Legion. A new career and a path to a non-US passport sound like just the ticket in your situation! Unfortunately, you have no hope of ever escaping your conviction in the United States; that is by design as you find yourself the target of a pernicious complex of puritanism, fear, and pandering.Your other options are mainly going to involve under the table jobs or freelancing, probably your only meaningful option if you want to continue in your previous line of work. Why not hang out your shingle as a contractor? Since you're not working anyway, it can't hurt! If you have contacts from previous jobs, get in touch with them and offer your services -- as a services corporation, not as an employee. You might have more success as a corporation than as a human.Good luck!

FallDead将近 10 年前

Okay so, the first thing I would do is join this community <a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap" rel="nofollow">http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap</a>. Once you do you will feel alot of social anxiety go away, since it's likely you would be "letting" go of your testosterone that way.A friend of mine had an addiction and started with this and it worked out so well for him.Next you need to hit the gym, and start small and try 3 days a week.Second make some goals about things you want to get done before you reach next year.Next do deep introspection, think about your self in the third person, and ask your self what you hate about yourself.Go write it down and spend a everyday on one of those things and chip away at it by breaking it down into smaller tasks.Lastly Smile people love other people who smile, it makes them more approachable.Reddit says, 30 is the best of your life if you are not married or tied down to a relationship.<a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenOver30/comments/2a3zyp/is_being_single_in_your_30s_as_bad_as_this_thread/" rel="nofollow">http://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenOver30/comments/2a3zyp/is_bein...</a>Need support feel free to hit me up on twitter? @0xFA11DEAD

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